


Hear You Me

by through_shadows_falling



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ableism, Anal Sex, Bottom Castiel, Bottom Dean, Deaf Castiel, Deaf Sam, Dean/Cas Big Bang 2014, Divorce, Except Dean and a few others, F/M, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Masturbation, Most main characters are Deaf, Oral Sex, Recreational Drug Use, Sex Toys, Top Castiel, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-02-19 17:34:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 84,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2396912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/through_shadows_falling/pseuds/through_shadows_falling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is a college graduate stuck in two dead-end, part-time jobs. Oh, and he's Deaf...which to his oldest brother Michael makes him something to constantly fret over. It's not Castiel's fault that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, right? Not like it's Michael's business anyways. </p><p>Enter Dean Winchester. A chance encounter with the man has the power to change Castiel's life - and in the end, maybe, just maybe, it will help him finally understand and accept who he is and what he's meant to do.</p><p>Written for the 2014 Dean/Castiel Big Bang.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Art masterpost** [here](http://felidraxian.livejournal.com/1662.html) by the fabulous artist, [Zennia, aka brightfallenstars](http://brightfallenstars.tumblr.com/)!  
>     
> Written for the [2014 Dean/Cas Big Bang challenge](http://deancasbigbang.livejournal.com/) on Livejournal.  
> \-----
> 
> I want to first thank my exquisite friend [Ila](http://goodbyeproductivity.tumblr.com/), who endured countless hours of me blathering about this piece and who existed as a solid soundboard to help me figure out where to go with scenes and how to fix certain problems! I would've gone crazy without you! (I should say, craziER!)
> 
> Then a gigantic round of applause for my STUNNING and GORGEOUS artist, [Zennia](http://brightfallenstars.tumblr.com/), whose incredible work had me floating for days when I found out she had selected my story to illustrate! The pieces she did for my story here are just beautiful! I couldn't have asked for better!
> 
> And another thank you to my fantabulous beta, [Allie](http://yesinsertawesometitlehere.tumblr.com/), who provided some critical perspective and permission that was really needed for this story - and I especially appreciate that she worked outside of her normal preferences because she wanted to help. Thanks, love!
> 
> Last but not least, my newest friend from the Supernatural fandom, [Alena, aka peter-pantomime](http://peter-pantomime.tumblr.com/), whose meta is what brought us together and who immediately embraced the BEST Facebook conversations when I was writing this!
> 
> Thanks so much to all of you!
> 
> \-----
> 
>  
> 
> **DISCLAIMER:**
> 
>  
> 
> I am not Deaf, and I am not part of the Deaf community. However, I have extensively researched and educated myself on Deaf culture, as well as taken several ASL classes, so I tried to make this story as accurate as possible to the Deaf experience.
> 
> If you are in the Deaf community and find a glaring error, please let me know and I will do my best to fix it.

Out of all the carts in the break-down room, Castiel chose to shelve Biographies. The section was upstairs in the back corner of the old library, under the flickering fluorescent lights. Hardly anyone went up there, so it was quiet, peaceful, and Castiel could work and forget about the badge on his chest. Up there, he was like every other college graduate, earning glorious minimum wage in a job for which he was vastly overqualified.

The elevator doors opened, and Castiel manhandled his full cart out to the shelves, maneuvering carefully through a winding maze of metal stacks. He accidentally clipped the edge of a bookshelf and mentally cursed, glancing around quickly, but as usual, the Biography area was empty. Pushing the cart into position, he inhaled the dry scent of decades-old books and dust as he took his time shelving, pausing now and then to run his fingers over the mahogany trim inlaid in the stone wall. The library had been renovated years before, with a beautiful, modern addition built right over the old stone building. Castiel preferred the original designs, however, the intricate patterns carved in wood and stone that he could trace with his fingers and eyes as they curled upward into sweeping archways and latticed ceilings.

Castiel was just shelving a Biography for Cary Grant when he felt it – the sensation of someone approaching. He glanced over with a spike of annoyance and sure enough, a young white man was coming at him, speaking something and stopping before him with a raised eyebrow. Castiel could tell he was asking for help, but he was distracted because, well…the guy was _hot_. Tall, with short, light hair, snug jeans, a plaid button-down shirt and…oh, _freckles_.

Just his luck.

Castiel sighed and tapped the badge on his chest, watching the man read it and waiting for his reaction. Let’s see…would he be embarrassed? Maybe throw on a pitying expression as he exaggeratedly mouthed the word ‘sorry’ and beat a hasty retreat? Or would he produce a patronizing smile and fumble for a piece of paper so he could write out what he wanted?  The people who did the latter were the most annoying in Castiel’s experience, as those people tended to have _millions_ of questions and could never take the hint that he had to get back to work. Castiel had taken to keeping a notepad on him with the answers already written out, since every conversation was basically the same:

He’s been Deaf since he was eight.

He knows sign language, but he can’t read lips.

He graduated from Eden College, the Deaf school a few towns over.

He majored in English with a minor in creative writing.

He doesn’t know what he’s doing with his major, or his life.

Yes, Deaf people can get employed in all kinds of places if they know where to look and who to ask.

Thanks for playing, now please _go away_.

Castiel was reaching for the notepad when the guy started moving. It took a few seconds for Castiel’s brain to catch up and realize that the hot guy was _signing_ and it was…beautiful. His face was expressive and Castiel focused on it, simultaneously keeping track of the guy’s signs through his periphery.

 _“_ _Sorry!_ _”_ the man was signing, _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t realize you were Deaf. I_ _’_ _m looking for a book by Kurt Vonnegut. Can you help me?_ _”_

Castiel stared at him dumbly, noticing only belatedly that his jaw was dangling open.

The guy’s lip quirked as he tentatively signed, _“_ _Do you know ASL?_ _”_

Castiel snapped his mouth shut and nodded quickly, ducking his head to hide his furious blush.

 _“_ _Yes, sorry, I know ASL. I don_ _’_ _t usually meet people here who know how to sign._ _”_ He raised his head, frowning, as he asked, “ _Are you Deaf?_ _”_

But that was a stupid question, because the guy had tried talking to him first, and Castiel didn’t recognize him from school even though they appeared to be the same age.

The guy shook his head. “ _No, I_ _’_ _m hearing. But my parents and little brother are Deaf so I grew up signing._ _”_

Oh. A hearing child of Deaf parents, a CODA. Interesting.

 _“_ _You said you were looking for Kurt Vonnegut?_ _”_ Castiel signed.

The guy nodded. “ _Slaughterhouse-Five_.” His fingerspelling was smooth, and for a moment, Castiel was distracted by his hands before he nodded, recognizing the title.

 _“_ _That'_ _s downstairs in the fiction section. Look under the_ _‘_ _V_ _’_  s'  _under_ _‘_ _Vonnegut_ _’_ _and it should be there unless it'_ _s checked out._ _”_

Castiel sighed, disappointed when the guy turned to leave, until his expression became sheepish and he signed, _“_ _Can you show me?_ _”_

Castiel’s heart flipped, but he nodded, signing that he could definitely do that.

As he stepped forward, the guy made him pause as he pointed to himself and fingerspelled his name. _Dean_. He then demonstrated his name sign, the movements of the sign ‘car’ with a ‘D.’   

 _“_ _Hello_ , _Dean. It_ _’_ _s nice to meet you,_ _”_ Castiel signed, practicing Dean’s name sign. Castiel knew his own name was written in big, red letters on his badge, but he spelled it out for Dean anyways, adding his own name sign, which was ‘C-A-S’ against his right shoulder. 

 _“_ _Nice to meet you, Cas,_ _”_ Dean returned, copying his name sign as he sounded his full name out loud. And great, Castiel was staring at his lips, forming the syllables of ‘Castiel.’ _“_ _Castiel. Cool name._ _”_

 _“_ _I think it_ _’_ _s dumb,_ _”_ Castiel signed back.

 _“_ _Why?_ _”_

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _s strange and unnecessarily complicated._ _”_

 _“_ _But it'_ _s Elvish, right? Like Galadriel?_ _”_

Castiel snorted. _“_ _Tolkien got the I-E-L part from angels. So it_ _’_ _s an angelic name._ _”_

 _“_ _So you_ _’_ _re an angel?_ _”_

Castiel hesitated at his flirtatious tone, and Dean winced, blushing.

 _“_ _Sorry, I didn_ _’_ _t mean_ _…”_ he started, and Castiel recovered enough to grin.

 _“_ _I am an angel. The angel of deafness. I can_ _’_ _t hear your prayers so_ _…_ _good luck, you_ _’_ _re on your own._ _”_

Dean laughed and Castiel hadn’t thought it possible, but he was even more beautiful like that. Gesturing for him to follow, Castiel led him to the elevator and was surprised at the awkwardness as the doors sealed shut. He glanced at Dean, who was looking at everything but him. Castiel sighed. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

 _“_ _This library_ _’_ _s BIG,_ _”_ Dean signed suddenly, and Castiel nodded.

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _ve never been here before?_ _”_

Dean shook his head. _“_ _No. I_ _’_ _m not a library kind of guy. I_ _’_ _m only here because my brother_ _’_ _s working on a group project downstairs. I got bored so I started wandering around and thought maybe I should check something out._ _”_ His face split into a wicked grin, which Castiel found himself mirroring.

 _“_ _Since you work here,_ _”_ Dean signed, waggling his eyebrows, _“_ _I bet you know the best places to make out in secret._ _”_

Castiel’s heart thudded in his chest and he prayed Dean couldn’t hear it. His fingers stumbled over the words, but he managed, _“_ _There are some great nooks behind the reference section._ _”_

Dean’s eyes glinted as his grin widened. _“_ _Reference section? Good to know. Now where_ _’_ _s that?_ _”_

Castiel rolled his eyes, trying to get a grip on himself. _“_ _There are signs, you know. Unless the reason you_ _’_ _ve never been to a library is because you can_ _’_ _t read?_ _”_

He hoped it came across as teasing, and was thankful when Dean smirked at him, flipping him off.

 _“_ _I want to read Vonnegut, remember? I_ _’_ _m not completely illiterate._ _”_

Castiel grinned and realized that the elevator had stopped a while ago and the doors were just now sliding shut again. He jabbed the open button and hurried out with Dean behind him. As they made their way through the stacks, Castiel pointed out the signs hanging from the ceiling, demarcating the different sections. He exaggerated his gesture at the FICTION VI - WA sign and glanced at the shelves as they walked through, his eyes scanning the books until they landed on Kurt Vonnegut’s collection. Triumphantly, he pulled out _Slaughterhouse Five_ and handed it to Dean, who looked impressed. Castiel bowed with a flourish and Dean applauded him mockingly as he accepted the book and cracked it open. Castiel hesitated for a moment, wondering if Dean would say anything else, but when he didn’t, he took Dean’s silence as a signal to leave and headed back to the elevators.

Castiel’s smile slipped from his face the farther away he got, and the elevator doors were closing just as Dean appeared on the other side, emphatically signing, _“_ _Thank you!_ _”_

Castiel smiled, signing, _“_ _You_ _’_ _re welcome_ ,” as the doors closed.

And just like that, it was over. Castiel sighed and got back to work.

* * *

Castiel told his older sister, Anna, about the encounter later that night as they ate dinner in their cramped apartment. Anna was hearing, so Castiel adapted his signs so she could understand. She had picked up some Pidgin Signed English (PSE) to communicate with him, and since Castiel had started out learning PSE when he first became Deaf, he was easily able to adjust his ASL.

 _“_ _How hot?_ _”_ Anna signed, and Castiel raised his eyebrows and exaggerated his signs.

 _“_ _ REALLY _ _hot._ _”_

Anna grinned, tossing her red hair as she reached for more mashed potatoes.

 _“_ _Was he into you?_ _”_ she asked, and Castiel chewed wistfully.

 _“_ _I don'_ _t know. He was definitely flirting, but maybe that_ _’_ _s just his personality. I don'_ _t even know if he'_ _s gay or whatever._ _”_

Anna gave him a look. _“_ _If he_ _’_ _s flirting with a guy, he can_ _’_ _t be 100% straight. You realize that, right?_ _”_

Castiel shrugged. _“_ _You know I have zero experience with these kinds of things. I don_ _’_ _t get people, remember?_ _”_

Anna shoved him affectionately. _“_ _Well maybe if you actually talked to some, you would. It_ _’_ _s too bad you didn_ _’_ _t get his number._ _”_

 _“_ _Probably for the best,_ _”_ Castiel signed, and Anna frowned.

 _“_ _Stop that!_ _”_ she signed, swatting him. _“_ _He was flirting with you. Obviously there was some interest there. You_ _’_ _re a catch, my dear brother._ _”_

Castiel made a face. _“_ _Now you_ _’_ _re just making this weird._ _”_

Anna laughed, and Castiel enjoyed the way it lit up her face.

 _“_ _How was work today?_ _”_ he asked, and Anna grimaced.

 _“_ _Same old, same old. Greg screwed up another order, and we just barely caught it in time. Remind me how he got hired again?_ _”_

Castiel winced sympathetically. _“_ _Perhaps he_ _’_ _s a strong test-taker?_ _”_

 _“_ _You don_ _’_ _t take tests to work retail,_ _”_ Anna signed, and Castiel shrugged, jumping when his pocket vibrated. Pulling out his cell phone, he saw a new text from Balthazar.

**Skype now? U free?**

Castiel looked up and hit the table once to get Anna’s attention.

 _“_ _Can I do the dishes later? Balthazar wants to Skype._ _”_

She waved her hand dismissively. _“_ _I got them. Don_ _’_ _t worry about it. Go ahead._ _”_

Relief blossomed on his face. _“_ _Thank you! You_ _’_ _re the best! Love you!_ _”_ He pecked her on the cheek as he dashed to his room and flipped open his laptop. He relaxed in his desk chair as he pulled up Skype and then video-called Balthazar, who greeted him with a smirk.

 _“_ _How was your day, sweet Cassie?_ _”_ Balthazar signed, waggling his eyebrows and using the cutesy name sign he had created especially for Castiel.

Castiel rolled his eyes but leapt into conversation, filling him in on the week’s – hell, _month_ _’_ _s_ – only interesting occasion: his meeting with Dean. Balthazar wanted all the details, and Castiel filled him in more than Anna, savoring the time he could spend with someone actually in the Deaf Community. Since he graduated, he had keenly felt the loss of his Deaf social network, and interacting with hearing people took its toll on him some days. Even with those who knew how to sign like Dean and to some extent Anna, it wasn’t quite the same.

Balthazar was quick to extrapolate the sexual innuendos of his and Dean’s conversation, which was _really_ grasping at thin air, and it made Castiel blush even as he laughed, amused at his friend’s wide variety of facial expressions. Castiel smiled wistfully and then his shoulders slumped.

 _“_ _Why the sudden long face, Cassie?_ _”_

Castiel sighed. _“_ _I miss you. I wish we could be back at school._ _”_

Balthazar’s face twitched, but he nodded solemnly. _“_ _At least you live near the school. But I agree. Who ever thought graduating was a good idea?_ _”_

Castiel grinned wistfully. _“_ _Not me._ _”_

They chatted for another hour and then Castiel said goodbye and curled up with his laptop on his bed, scanning Reddit and then searching for the closed caption version of his stupid obsession, a medical soap opera called Dr. Sexy, M.D. It was an utterly ridiculous show about an attractive male doctor who wore cowboy boots, and while Castiel couldn’t get enough of the ridiculous drama, he also _highly_ appreciated the main character’s looks, grateful that the show had taught him something about his sexuality.

Castiel sent off some texts and a few emails to his other Deaf friends, wondering if they would be too busy to respond as usual before getting ready for bed. As he lay down that night, he let his thoughts flicker only briefly to Dean, but as it had been a casual encounter, and it was likely he’d never see him again, Castiel dismissed them, closing his eyes and sinking into sleep.

At least he had had _some_ excitement for once in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **DISCLAIMER 2:**
> 
>  
> 
> I am by no means an expert on signing, so I want to be clear that I have taken a few liberties with the dialogue in this story! Some of it would not be able to be signed, or would not make sense in sign language; however, much of it is implied with body language and other non-manual signals, so I just incorporated that layer of meaning into the dialogue.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Castiel got up early to head out to Eden College, glancing quickly at his online calendar to see the appointments scheduled for the day. As it turned out, he had a few free periods, so he grabbed a book and rushed out the door to his car. The drive was uneventful, and he got to the Writing Center before he had to officially start. The receptionist, a sweet, white Deaf woman named Muriel, got up to hug him after he’d taken off his jacket, which was their usual greeting. Castiel received it warmly, hugging her back before they finally parted, quickly updating each other on their lives. Castiel had already forgotten about Dean, so he said it was much the same on his end and he was still trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. Muriel gave him the eye and asked about his story, which Castiel admitted he hadn’t been working on lately.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _ve lost my inspiration for it,_ _”_ he signed, and Muriel’s face was disapproving. _“_ _What? It_ _’_ _s just a hobby. I_ _’_ _m not looking to get published._ _”_

 _“_ _And why not?_ _”_

Castiel waved his hand. _“_ _Too much pressure. Too many people to deal with who_ _’_ _ll make me change my ideas. You know the deal._ _”_

Muriel’s face hadn’t changed, but she let it drop when their director appeared, beaming widely at Castiel before stifling a yawn. It was an early morning image Castiel was familiar with, having taken nearly every writing class Hannah had offered. Back then it had been Professor Simon, but since she had hired Castiel as a tutor for the center, and he was an alumnus, they were on more equal footing now and _Hannah_ it was.

Before he could speak with her, though, Hannah disappeared into her office, and then Castiel’s first appointment arrived. The junior needed to have his lab report checked for errors, so Castiel spent the hour with him making sure he understood exactly what the experiment had been about and that it was communicated clearly through the his writing. Following him was a girl with a sociology essay, and the rest of the morning’s appointments trickled in steadily.

Right before lunch, Castiel was pleased to recognize one of the center’s regular attendees, a sophomore named Sam. He was white, had long brown hair, and stood over six feet tall, but was the opposite of intimidating, with a kind, earnest face that was quick to smile. Castiel had worked with him many times before, and frankly, he found him fascinating. For such a large man, Sam’s signs were careful, precise, small even, and he used such tiny gestures to convey such large concepts. His was a bright mind, and Castiel enjoyed the discussions they had shared over lunch a few times. He wondered if they might get together again today, and Sam must’ve read his mind because the first thing he asked was if Castiel wanted to hang out after his appointment. Castiel immediately agreed, and they sat down to tackle Sam’s English essay.

At the end of the hour, Sam sat back, sticking out his tongue.

 _“_ _Why is English so hard? Memorize dates for history? No problem. Explain that scientific principle using clear examples? Easy. But analyze a piece of literature and talk about its themes? Yeah, I don_ _’_ _t get it._ _”_

Castiel shrugged. _“_ _It_ _’_ _s not for everyone._ _”_

 _“_ _Sure, you can say that, Mr. English Major,_ _”_ Sam signed, pouting, before shoving the papers back into his overflowing backpack. _“_ _Lunch?_ _”_

Castiel nodded. _“_ _Dining hall or Bean & Leaf?_ _”_

Sam made a face. _“_ _Dining hall. I_ _’_ _ve been spending a lot of money lately._ _”_

Castiel raised an eyebrow and went to log out of the center.

 _“_ _I met someone,_ _”_ Sam signed as they stepped into the hallway and made their way toward the dining hall.

Castiel grinned. _“_ _And do I know this someone?_ _”_

 _“_ _Her name_ _’_ _s Jess. She_ _’_ _s a freshman but really cool and we_ _’_ _ve gone on a few dates._ _”_ He shrugged it off like it was no big deal, and Castiel smirked as he nodded in sudden understanding.

 _“S_ _o you_ _’_ _re being the perfect gentleman, paying for her food?_ _”_

Sam shot him a look. _“_ _Yeah, that_ _’_ _s what you_ _’_ _re supposed to do! And actually, speaking of meeting someone, I think my brother met you the other day._ _”_

Castiel froze and Sam fumbled to a stop beside him.

 _“_ _Your brother?_ _”_ Castiel signed. 

Sam nodded. _“_ _Yeah. Dean. He said he met a guy named Castiel at the library, and I figured it was you, since no one else I know has that name. You met him, right?_ _”_

Castiel blinked and then nodded. _“_ _Yes, I did. He_ _…_ _spoke about me?_ _”_

 _“_ _Yeah, he said you were helpful. He wondered if we knew each other,_ _”_ Sam signed, but there was an odd look in his eyes. _“_ _Why?_ _”_

 _“_ _No reason. He was just_ _…_ _never mind._ _”_

 _“_ _What? Wait, don_ _’_ _t tell me. He flirted with you._ _”_ Sam’s face was deadpan and Castiel’s shoulders drooped. Sam patted him on the back, wincing. _“_ _Sorry, but Dean flirts with anything that moves. Nothing against you. Sorry if you got your hopes up._ _”_ He frowned, chewing on his lip. _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t know that you were_ _…_ _._ _”_

 _“_ _That doesn_ _’_ _t_ _…_ _bother you, does it?_ _”_ Castiel asked carefully, and Sam shook his head.

 _“_ _No! Of course not! Especially not with Dean the way he is._ _”_

Castiel filed that comment away for later and smiled when Sam rolled his eyes.

 _“_ _Good,_ _”_ Castiel signed. _“_ _Because we_ _’_ _re already Deaf, right? So what does being gay really matter?_ _”_   

Sam laughed, and the way he threw his head back reminded him of Dean.

They spent the first half of lunch catching up, until Sam’s face fell when his phone vibrated and he glanced at the screen.

 _“_ _What_ _’_ _s wrong?_ _”_ Castiel asked, and Sam sighed.

 _“_ _My mom,_ _”_ he signed back, and Castiel’s face creased in sympathy, remembering their previous conversations.

 _“_ _How_ _’_ _s she doing?_ _”_

Sam shrugged. _“_ _Not great. The divorce is getting ugly._ _”_

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m so sorry,_ _”_ Castiel signed.

 _“_ _Thanks. It_ _’_ _s rough at home. She_ _’_ _s crying a lot. Dean just texted me because now she_ _’_ _s upset that we can_ _’_ _t afford to upgrade my hearing aids._ _”_

Castiel glanced at the buds in Sam’s ears, cringing sympathetically. He had tried hearing aids once, right after he had gone deaf, but they hadn’t worked for him, amplifying a whooshing noise that made everything indistinguishable.

 _“_ _Is there anything I can do to help?_ _”_

Sam shook his head. _“_ _No, we_ _’_ _ll be fine. I_ _’_ _m used to these hearing aids anyways, so it_ _’_ _s not a big deal. I just worry about her. And Dean. He gets worse when he has to pretend to be strong so he can take care of us._ _”_

Castiel cocked his head, trying to reconcile his image of flirtatious Dean with caretaker Dean. He frowned, not able to see it. Castiel shook his head when he realized Sam was waving at him, trying to get his attention. His large, boyish face was concerned.

 _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t mean to unload all my problems on you,_ _”_ he signed.

Castiel shook his head, using his hands to add more emphasis. _“_ _No, not at all! Please, I don_ _’_ _t mind. We_ _’_ _re_ _…_ _friends, aren_ _’_ _t we?_ _”_

Sam’s smile was wide and sincere, and Castiel found himself grinning back.

 _“_ _You should come over sometime,_ _”_ Sam signed excitedly. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m not living in the dorms anymore to save money, and we don_ _’_ _t live that far from here. You ever played Elder Scrolls?_ _”_

And with that, Sam was off, back to his buoyant, animated self. Castiel laughed at his enthusiasm and agreed to come over at some point to see this amazing game in action. He enjoyed games but much preferred watching them, and he told Sam as much. Sam, however, insisted that he make his own account because it was _worth it!_ Castiel signed that he would think about it.

When the hour was up, Castiel said goodbye to Sam with a long hug and more remarks about how he would visit soon. He was nearly late to his next appointment at the Writing Center, but got there just in time to help a young freshman with her seminar paper.

That night, Castiel was amused to see that he had over 15 text messages from Sam, who appeared anxious to arrange details for their upcoming visit. Sam suggested that very weekend, and Castiel agreed before he even thought about it. For a moment, he wished he could retract his reply. But then Sam immediately texted back an enthusiastic, _awesome!_ and that was that.

It wasn’t that he was uncomfortable with Sam’s family situation. Castiel knew that Sam, his brother, and their mother had moved here a little over a year ago so Sam could attend the college – and Castiel understood that it was also so they could put distance between themselves and their father. Though Sam hadn’t gone into details, Castiel suspected a nasty affair had been involved. Instead of being rude and prying, though, Castiel equalized the playing field by explaining that his own parents were dead and that he lived with his older sister. Castiel didn’t give away much more than that, though now that he thought about it, Sam had probably read Castiel’s face and body language and figured out more on his own. Which was fine, because they were friends.

So what was the problem?                                                                               

The rest of the week passed quickly. By the time Saturday rolled around, Castiel was looking forward to getting out of the apartment. When he pulled into the driveway of Sam’s suburban home, he was surprised at the pounding vibrations he felt first through his car, and then through his shoes on the asphalt. The source of the noise was apparent, as a large record player was visible from inside the open garage. On the ground next to it, a pair of legs was sticking out from under a sleek, classic car that Castiel couldn’t identify.  He approached it out of curiosity more than anything, bobbing his head to the beat as he came to a stop near the car, absently running a hand over its smooth, black finish.

Castiel jumped when another set of vibrations clashed against the music, and he tripped backward as the legs knocked into him. The person they were attached to completely rolled out from under the car, and Dean Winchester’s face was annoyed until he saw that it was Castiel. Immediately, he signed an apology.

 _“_ _Sorry! Didn'_ _t hear you._ _”_

Castiel couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow, blurting out, _“_ _Is your music really that loud? You should be careful or you could go deaf._ _”_

Dean’s apologetic expression melted into a smirk as he stood up. _“_ _At least I already know how to sign._ _”_

Castiel tracked Dean’s movement as he brushed his hands on his pants. The October morning was warmer than usual, and Dean was in ripped jeans and a white, grease-stained t-shirt that clung to his chest, leaving little for the imagination. Castiel made sure his mouth was shut this time, knowing he would’ve been drooling by now. He shook his head, forcing himself to remember that there was nothing here but casual attraction. They had flirted once. So what? Now they were flirting again. So what? Except that Dean was now posing for him because Castiel hadn’t stopped staring. _Wow_ , Castiel wasn’t good at this.

 _“_ _See something you like?_ _”_ Dean signed, waggling his eyebrows, and Castiel couldn’t stop himself from immediately signing, _“_ _Only if you_ _’_ _re offering._ _”_

Dean’s eyebrows skyrocketed and he started to choke on laughter as Castiel, realizing what he had said, ripped his gaze away and blushed fiercely.

 _“_ _Sorry! I_ _’_ _m sorry! I didn_ _’_ _t_ _—”_ he signed frantically, wanting to curl up and hide. He was here to see _Sam_ , not make a pass at his brother! Barely regaining his composure, Castiel avoided Dean’s gaze, pretending to look past him at a wall of power tools. _“_ _Is Sam here?_ _”_

Dean’s amusement was still evident in the quirk of his lips as he signed back, _“_ _I hope so, since he does live here._ _”_

Castiel rolled his eyes.

 _“_ _He_ _’_ _s showering, I think,_ _”_ Dean signed, jerking his thumb at the door in the corner of the garage and barely concealing a wicked grin. _“_ _Sleeping Beauty ran into some_ _…_ _unexpected trouble._ _”_

Castiel peered at Dean closely as the elder Winchester started chuckling to himself.

 _“_ _What kind of trouble?_ _”_ Castiel asked slowly, and Dean doubled over, nearly crying he was laughing so hard. Castiel found himself chuckling.

 _“_ _Ask him!_ _”_ Dean barely managed to sign, and that was when the door was thrown open and Sam appeared. Castiel choked at the still-visible signs of colorful paint on Sam’s face –yellow on his forehead and cheeks, with blue circles around his eyes, green around his lips, and a bright red nose.

 _“_ _He screamed like a girl when he looked in the mirror,_ _”_ Dean managed to sign, still shaking with laughter. _“_ _He_ _’_ _s not a big fan of clowns._ _”_

Sam’s face was murderous as he signed some rather inappropriate words at his brother, who just laughed harder. Castiel couldn’t suppress his grin as he looked between the both of them, feeling a pang that he had never had this kind of relationship with any of his brothers.

It was then that Sam finally noticed Castiel, and with a deep breath, he calmed enough to gesture for him to come inside, where Sam’s mother instantly appeared to fuss over him. She had light hair like Dean’s that curled down her shoulders and back, and her brown eyes were creased at the edges.

 _“_ _That soap didn_ _’_ _t work?_ _”_ she signed.

Sam shook his head miserably, his still-wet hair flopping around his face, which Castiel could see was red and raw from scrubbing. His mother looked like she was trying hard not to laugh.

Sam pouted. _“_ _Dean used the old Halloween makeup that stains forever. This will never come out!_ _”_

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _ll come out. Come on. Try this._ _”_ She placed a hand on her son’s shoulder and paused before guiding him back to the bathroom. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m Mary,_ _”_ she introduced herself to Castiel, shaking his hand quickly. _“_ _Please make yourself comfortable. We_ _’_ _ll be right back._ _”_

Castiel was left standing there awkwardly. As he gazed around their foyer, he wandered over to view some pictures on the wall, all of Sam and Dean growing up. Sam had had buckteeth as a kid, and Castiel was chuckling at a picture of Dean with a bowl haircut when a light tap on his shoulder had him whirling around. It was Dean, and Castiel’s first thought was that he had aged _particularly_ well.

 _“_ _Want a tour of the place?_ _”_ he signed, and Castiel nodded.

Dean led him first to the den, which branched off the foyer. A widescreen TV sat on a wooden entertainment system, with game consoles visible through the glass windows and controllers strewn on the ground in front of it. Up a mini flight of stairs was the kitchen, and following that was a sitting room with several large bookcases and a bay window facing the street. They passed a bathroom and Dean pointed out the main staircase, which led to all their bedrooms.

 _“_ _Thanks for the tour. Your house is lovely,_ _”_ Castiel signed.

Dean shrugged. _“_ _We haven_ _’_ _t been here long, but it feels like home, you know?_ _”_

Castiel nodded, though he wasn’t sure he really did understand, never having felt truly at home anywhere but at school, and even they had had programs to force him to go home on weekends.

They returned to the kitchen, where Dean offered Castiel something to drink. As Castiel waited for his drink, he asked Dean, _“_ _Do you prank your brother often?_ _”_

Dean grinned as he presented Castiel with a glass of water. _“_ _Enough to keep him guessing. Today was getting back at him for replacing my beer with pickle juice._ _”_

Castiel snorted into his water, wrinkling his nose. _“_ _What did that even taste like?_ _”_

Dean shook his head, mock horror in his eyes. _“_ _You don_ _’_ _t want to know._ _”_ He brightened suddenly, grinning. _“_ _You like Smash Brothers?_ _”_

And that was how Sam found them twenty minutes later. Castiel’s eyes were glued to the screen as he mashed buttons and wiggled his Wii remote, effectively kicking Dean’s Samus in the head with Waluigi’s boot. Dean followed up with some clever moves of his own, but Castiel managed to avoid them long enough to get a crate dropped on him, which subsequently exploded. Waluigi was sent flying into the distance and Dean did a lewd victory dance. He stopped and Castiel turned to see that Mary was waving at him, gesturing at his ‘filthy’ clothing. Dean scowled but got up, dumping his controller on Sam, who swiftly took his seat and restarted the game so he could play as Kirby.

After an hour, Sam brought Castiel up to his room to show him Elder Scrolls. It was a beautiful game, but Castiel’s eyes were drawn to the open door across the hall: Dean’s room. When Sam wasn’t looking, he darted out for a quick peek, knowing Dean had gone back downstairs.

It was as he expected, with clothes scattered everywhere and things in general disarray. All except for his record collection, which was filed neatly. Castiel glanced at it from the doorway as his eyes trailed over Dean’s unmade bed, and then up to the ceiling where there was a poster of two scantily clad women kissing. At that, Castiel retreated back to Sam’s room, oddly disappointed.

He ended up staying for dinner, which was fettucine alfredo. Castiel complimented Mary as they ate at the kitchen table, but she waved it off, explaining that it was all Dean’s doing.

 _"He_ _’_ _s a fantastic cook,_ _”_ she signed, and Castiel grinned at the way Dean ducked his head.

 _"Yeah, it_ _’_ _s great when it_ _’_ _s not spiked with anything,_ _”_ Sam signed pointedly, jabbing his fork at Dean. Castiel smiled, easing back into his seat. It had been too long since he had last sat with so many people fluent in ASL. It was comforting, satisfying the part of him that had felt off since he graduated.

The rest of the evening passed smoothly, and shortly after dinner, Castiel bid goodbye and drove home. As he reflected over the day, he couldn’t help but wonder at the ease he felt with them all, even Mary. She had been insistent that he come back soon, telling him he _needed_ to be there when Dean cooked his famous beef stroganoff. Castiel promised he would be, as he internally added that he had nothing to do with his free time anyways. The thought of spending more time with the Winchesters was a pleasant one, and Castiel could only look forward to the next occasion. 


	3. Chapter 3

As it turned out, Castiel’s next excursion with the Winchesters was with Sam again, at the Writing Center a few days after their dinner. Castiel joked that Sam was making appointments just to spend time with him, and Sam didn’t deny it completely, though he signed that he _definitely_ needed Castiel to look over his rough draft. They got lunch after his appointment, and as Castiel bit into his sandwich, he watched Sam sign and wondered why the taller man looked apologetic.

 _“_ _Sorry about the other day. My family can be crazy."_ _  
_

Castiel shot him a strange look. _“_ _Crazy? What do you mean? They seemed wonderful to me._ _”_

Sam raised his eyebrows skeptically. _“_ _I looked like a clown._ _”_

Castiel smirked. _“_ _True, that was unexpected. But amusing._ _”_

 _“_ _Good. Glad you_ _’_ _re not completely freaked out._ _”_ His giant shoulders slumped in relief as Castiel just stared at him.

 _“_ _You really thought I would freak out?"_ _  
_

Sam ran a hand through his hair. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t know. It_ _’_ _s not always like that. And of course Dean knew you were coming so he did it on purpose_ _…”_

 _“_ _But your mom seemed happy,_ _”_ Castiel signed, and Sam smiled fondly.

 _“_ _Yeah. She was. Dean's_ _good at doing that. Especially at my expense._ _”_

Castiel grinned, nodding thoughtfully. _“_ _I understand what you were talking about before about Dean._ _”_ The image of the poster on Dean’s bedroom ceiling flashed across his mind.

 _“_ _What'_ _s wrong?"_ _  
_

Castiel returned to the present and shook his head. _“_ _Nothing. Your family was_ _…_ _really great. Thank you for having me over._ _”_

Sam grinned. _“_ _It was really fun. You should come over again this weekend. I invited some other guys to hang out and play Smash Brothers. Wanna join?_ _”_

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _d love to."_ _  
_

_“_ _Awesome."_ _  
_

Castiel cocked his head. _“_ _Anyone I know?_ _”_

 _“_ _Yeah. A few. Andy Gallagher, Jake Talley_ _…_ _Kevin Tran. They go here."_ _  
_

_“I_ _recognize the names. I might'v_ _e tutored them at some point._ _”_

 _“_ _Cool,_ _”_ Sam signed. _“_ _And there_ _’_ _s going to be some of Dean_ _’_ _s friends there, too. Plus some of the people I met from the local Democrat chapter. They work with the club on campus._ _”_

 _“_ _Deaf?_ _”_ Castiel asked, and Sam shook his head.

_“_ _None of the ones from town, and Dean_ _’_ _s friends are all hearing, too. Why?_ _”_

Castiel glanced down before signing, _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t speak._ _”_

Sam’s face slowly lit up with understanding. _“_ _It_ _’_ _s okay. They_ _’_ _re really great people. They_ _’_ _ll understand._ _”_

But that wasn’t Castiel’s concern, since he knew that communication with them would still be trying. He plastered a smile on his face and felt terrible that he was already contemplating an excuse to bow out.

He was still trying to think of one the next day at the library. The problem was, he did want to spend more time with the Winchesters, just not with other people there, too. Castiel knew he was being selfish, but new friends were hard to make, and he genuinely wanted to make it work with Sam at least.

Castiel was distracted from his musings in the Mystery section when a middle-aged woman approached, her body language clearly agitated. With her hands on her hips, she began saying something forcefully and impatiently. Castiel tried to placate her with a strained smile, but as he tapped his badge, she just went off again, this time gesturing wildly. When she was done, she narrowed her eyes at him accusingly, and he could read on her lips the phrase, “Well, aren’t you going to help me?” Castiel pointed to his badge emphatically, and the woman finally got the hint, comically squinting at it before shaking her head, appearing not to understand. As she burst into her tirade yet again, Castiel sighed and dug into his pocket for his notebook, wondering how clearly he needed to spell it out for her.

Thankfully, he was spared from doing anything more when Dean appeared out of nowhere. Castiel blinked at the elder Winchester as he offered the woman a winning smile and nodded intently while she unloaded her earful on him. This time when she finished, Dean turned to Castiel and signed an explanation, all while the woman looked on with a confused expression.

 _“_ _She'_ _s looking for a Julia Child cookbook but she doesn'_ _t understand how to find it. It'_ _s not under the_ _‘_ _CH_  's' _._ _”_

Castiel barely refrained from rolling his eyes. _“_ _Cookbooks are nonfiction, and nonfiction books are organized by topic. Most cookbooks start around 641.5._ _”_ As he signed, Dean interpreted it out loud, mirroring Castiel’s ‘follow me’ gesture as Castiel led them out of the Mystery section and toward the nonfiction section. When they got there, Castiel was able to locate several Julia Child books, showing them to the woman. She took them, all the while refusing to meet his eyes.

When she finally left for the Circulation Desk, Castiel thanked Dean profusely.

 _“_ _Those kinds of patrons can be_ _…_ _frustrating. Thank you for stepping in."_ _  
_

Dean shrugged. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m used to it._ _”_

Castiel nodded thoughtfully, not even able to imagine the kind of childhood Dean had had, constantly interpreting for his parents and then his brother. That was not a responsibility Castiel would’ve wanted at such a young age, and yet Dean was forced into it by circumstances he couldn’t control. He had obviously risen to that role, but still… What must it feel like to be hearing in an entirely Deaf family?

No wonder Dean listened to such loud music.

 _“_ _What brings you to the library?_ _”_ Castiel asked.

 _“_ _Just returning the book."_ _  
_

_“_ _Already?"_  

Dean smirked. _“_ _Hey, give me some credit. I do like reading, you know._ _”_

Castiel winced. _“_ _No, I didn_ _’_ _t mean that, I just meant_ _…_ _You read it fast. That_ _’_ _s_ _…”_

 _“_ _Unusual for a lowly mechanic?_ _”_ Dean finished for him, and Castiel frowned.

 _“N_ _o, I didn't_ _even know you were a mechanic until just now."_ _  
_

Dean shifted his weight. _“_ _Okay, fair enough. I guess that never came up..._ _”_ He swallowed and looked around quickly, trying for nonchalant. _“_ _I guess I just thought that since I was here, I might see if you were working._ _”_

Castiel flushed. _“_ _Well, lucky for you I am._ _”_

Dean raised his eyebrows with a grin _“_ _Lucky for me indeed._ _”_

Castiel blushed, momentarily speechless, which Dean seemed to eat up.

 _“_ _Am I going to see you this weekend? Sam said he invited you._ _”_

And suddenly, with Dean standing there smiling with his stupid freckles and his stupid dimples, Castiel’s decision was made for him.

 _“O_ _f course. I'll_ _see you there._ _”_

Which is why that Saturday found Castiel back at the Winchester’s home, though it was more crowded than last time. Mary made a brief appearance as Castiel stepped through the front door, signing that she was locking herself in her room and praying for the best, and that he should have fun. He grinned and she waved goodbye as she disappeared upstairs.

In the den, a Smash Brothers tournament was already in full swing. Castiel recognized the guys Sam had mentioned before – Andy, Jake, and Kevin – though there were also new faces, who Castiel assumed were from the town’s Democrat chapter. Two of them, a blond woman and a dark-haired man, were laughing together on the couch and Castiel couldn’t tell if they were a couple, or brother and sister. A third light-haired man was trying to communicate with Andy, though they were having some trouble since they didn’t appear to have a language in common. Sam, who was standing up, jabbing at the TV on his Wii, glanced over and paused the game to help facilitate their conversation, interpreting for them both from what he could hear with his hearing aid. 

Castiel watched it all from the entryway, unsure how to approach, until the blond woman smiled at him and stood up from the couch.

 _“_ _Hi. Are you Deaf?_ _”_ she signed, and it was clumsy and slow enough for Castiel to understand that she was one of the hearing ones. Still, he was a bit surprised that she knew that much.

He nodded. _“_ _Yes, I_ _’_ _m Deaf. What_ _’_ _s your name?_ _”_

She frowned, trying to repeat his sign, and he did it again so she could see it better. With dawning comprehension, she nodded vigorously, pleased with herself.

 _“_ _My name is Rebecca. You?_ _”_

Castiel had to fingerspell his name several times until Sam filled her in from across the room, and she clearly mouthed ‘nice to meet you, Castiel.’ Castiel signed the same phrase back at her, and there was a long pause where she wasn’t sure where to look. Sneaking a peek at Sam, who was engrossed in the game again, Castiel wondered the extent of his deafness, especially when he turned to greet Dean and his posse.

When Sam had mentioned Dean’s friends, Castiel had certainly not pictured a slim, red-haired woman or a large bear of a man, but there they were at Dean’s side, waving to everyone and quickly introducing themselves. The large man was Benny, as Dean signed for him, and the woman, Charlie, signed for herself, adding that she was teaching herself ASL online. Dean met Castiel’s eye and brought Charlie and Benny over as Rebecca returned to the couch. Dean made introductions on Castiel’s behalf.

 _“_ _This is quite a party,_ _”_ Castiel signed, and Dean interpreted for him as he signed back with a smirk.

 _“_ _You haven'_ _t seen anything yet._ _”_

Castiel raised an eyebrow. _“_ _Should I be afraid?_ _”_

Charlie grinned when Dean spoke for Castiel.

 _“_ _Strip poker!_ _”_ she fingerspelled and Castiel’s eyes widened.

 _“_ _That_ _’_ _s for the adults_ _,_ _”_ Dean explained, waggling his eyebrows and making a face at Sam, who asked him what he was up to. That was one thing about sign language – it could be done across the room without being rude. Well, not _too_ rude, at least.

_“_ _Adult stuff in the basement._ _”_

Sam’s face made Castiel snort as Sam signed, _“_ _Do I want to know? Also, I_ _’_ _m an adult, too!_ _”_

 _“_ _Yeah, you stick with your Wii and soda pop,_ _”_ Dean signed back, smirking when Sam flipped him off. He turned to Castiel. _“_ _Your choice. You can stay up here and play Wii with the other guys or come in the basement with us. I_ _’_ _ve got beer down there, though there_ _’_ _s some up here, too._ _”_

Castiel looked at the crowd in the den and made his decision.

 _“I'_ _ve only played poker once, but I_ _’l_ _l join._ _”_

Dean’s grin lit up his whole face. _“_ _Awesome. Come on, then._ _”_

He led them to a door in the kitchen, and they went downstairs where there was a pool table and a circular poker table to the side, already laden with poker chips and several decks of cards. They took their positions – Castiel squeezed between Charlie and Benny, so he got a perfect view of Dean – and once Dean made sure they all had beers, the game commenced. Each time they lost a round, they had to remove an article of clothing, and Castiel quickly assumed a strategy of folding before the flop so he wouldn’t have to strip, at least not yet.

For the first few rounds, Castiel mostly enjoyed watching the others, even though they broke into conversations amongst themselves that were impossible for him to follow. He had never been good at lip-reading, since all the people he cared to speak to already knew sign language, and he passed notebooks back and forth when he had to deal with the general public. Seeing Dean interacting with his friends reminded Castiel of his family during his first few months of complete deafness, and he felt a familiar stab of loneliness.

All of a sudden Charlie was waving in his face. When he glanced at her, she referred him to Dean, who was trying to get his attention.

 _“_ _Are you okay?_ _”_ Dean signed.

Castiel waved away Dean’s concern and, ignoring his apologetic gaze, took a swig of his beer. He indicated Dean’s pile of ‘clothing,’ which so far was just a necklace and his socks, as he hadn’t lost much.

 _“_ _Be careful,_ _”_ Castiel signed, getting his mind back into the game even as he sent Dean a small, grateful smile. _“_ _You_ _’_ _re going to lose more than just that._ _”_

Dean’s eyes glinted. _“_ _Is that a challenge?_ _”_

Castiel stuck out his jaw, leveling a serious stare. _“_ _Absolutely._ _”_

_“_ _You'r_ _e on, so you better quit folding and take this seriously._ _”_

_“_ _It_ _’_ _s all business now,_ _”_ Castiel signed back, bracing himself for a new, riskier strategy. Beside him, Benny was already down to his undershirt, and Charlie had removed her glasses and hoodie and was squinting hard at her cards. Castiel glanced down at himself, realizing if he lost more than twice, he’d be taking off his shirt. He gritted his teeth and focused on the game.

Alcohol flowed, and Castiel was appreciating the blush on Dean’s cheeks when Dean suddenly threw his head back and roared with laughter, triumphantly displaying his cards and revealing that Castiel had completely lost this round. Castiel glared at him as he fingered the buttons on his shirt, popping them open and gently laying the shirt on his pile, over his socks. He noticed Charlie eyeing him with raised brows, and she said something Castiel couldn’t catch. He looked to Dean for interpretation, but Dean was staring at him, his gaze unfocused, and it wasn’t until Charlie punched him that Dean snapped out of it. His cheeks redder than before, Dean’s hands smashed together as he struggled to sign.

 _“_ _Sorry. What?_ _”_

_“_ _What was Charlie saying?_ _”_ Castiel asked.

 _“_ _She was just saying that you_ _’_ _re_ _…_ _ripped._ _”_

Castiel blushed, subconsciously hunching into himself as both Charlie and Dean waved their arms in large, reassuring gestures.

 _“_ _No, it_ _’_ _s not a bad thing! We just didn_ _’_ _t expect it,_ _”_ Dean signed hurriedly, and Castiel gripped his shirt and held it to his chest, lifting his head sheepishly. _“_ _Really, it_ _’_ _s cool! Sorry, we didn_ _’_ _t mean to offend you._ _”_

Castiel frowned, finally putting the shirt back on the table. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m not offended. Just_ _…_ _embarrassed._ _”_

 _“_ _Why? You don_ _’_ _t need to be,_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel narrowed his eyes at him, wondering if Dean was joking. Dean appeared equally confused as he shook his head and filled in Charlie and Benny on their silent conversation. Benny burst into laughter, muttering something that had Dean blushing brightly and stubbornly refusing to meet Castiel’s gaze. Charlie was laughing, too, and Castiel tamped down the frustration roiling in his gut.

Thankfully, they got back to the game and the mood shifted to one of drunken silliness until they were all shirtless and laughing for no reason at all. Castiel’s eyes kept darting back to Dean, roaming over the planes of his chest and…luckily got distracted when there were vibrations down the basement stairs and Sam and the rest of the group appeared, some stumbling and more red-faced than others as they clutched their beer cans. A few had come down just to say goodbye, and Castiel bid a vague farewell to Andy, Jake, and the hearing people from the Democrat chapter, all of whom were far more sober than the rest of them.

After their departure, Castiel felt relief when Sam and Kevin immediately signed with him, filling him in on the results of the Smash Brothers tournament. Apparently, Kevin had blind-sighted them all with Ganondorf, who was slow but deadly.

With everyone downstairs, they started a new game that Castiel didn’t join, wanting to better control his spinning vision. Sam had also opted out and was chatting with him, and it was only during a lull in their conversation that Castiel glanced at his cell phone and saw how late it was. When he brought it up, Sam told him it was fine if he needed to stay overnight, as there was plenty of space in his room.

 _“_ _That_ _’_ _s probably a good idea,_ _”_ Castiel signed, giggling to himself as he thought about driving back like this. He compensated for his deafness with his eyesight, and right now, he knew he’d be all over the road.

Pulling out his phone, Castiel texted Anna to let her know the plan, and then settled back, nodding off. Sam nudged him back awake, and Castiel barely remembered grabbing his clothing pile and shuffling up two flights of stairs to Sam’s room, where they groggily rolled out sleeping bags. It felt like high school, but Castiel was too tired to turn on a flashlight in the dark and have a life-changing, late-night conversation with his friends. After all, he was exhausted and he still barely knew Sam and Kevin. So, once he was cocooned in his sleeping bag with a pillow beneath his head, Castiel simply closed his eyes, grateful that the silence that greeted him let him pass out without another thought.


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel awoke early, as usual, and for a second, he panicked at his unfamiliar surroundings. As memories from the previous night trickled back into his brain, he sat up, wincing at his sore muscles. He was getting far too old to sleep on the floor like this.

Stretching, he uncurled from the sleeping bag and made his way to the bathroom down the hall, glancing hazily at Dean’s closed bedroom door and wondering if Charlie and Benny had also spent the night. Castiel sighed as he relieved himself, smirking when he thought of all the stories he could tell Balthazar. Castiel, playing strip poker? Not to mention Dean’s strange behavior, and how he had purposefully sought out Castiel in the library the other day. Was it his imagination, or did Dean _really_ seem…interested? No one had mentioned Dean having a significant other – be it girlfriend or boyfriend – and the way he had been looking at Castiel last night…

No, it couldn’t be. He was just reading too much into it.

Castiel gargled some toothpaste to get out the awful remnants of beer still in his mouth, and, yawning, straightened his clothing and paused at the top of the stairs, smelling fresh coffee. That sounded perfect right now, because even though he wasn’t completely hung over, his head was still fuzzy and pounding slightly. He made his way down the stairs, scrubbing at his hair, and when he got to the kitchen, he was surprised that it wasn’t Mary who had put on a fresh pot – it was Dean, bleary-eyed and blinking owlishly at Castiel as he stepped forward.

 _“_ _Morning,_ _”_ Castiel managed to sign, and Dean just nodded as he turned to rummage in the cabinets for a mug that he offered to Castiel. _“_ _Thanks,_ _”_ Castiel signed, pouring a fresh cup.

Dean set down his mug on the counter, lazily signing, _“_ _Cream? Sugar? Milk?_ _”_

 _“N_ _o thanks. I take it black._ _”_

At that, Dean nodded appreciatively. _“_ _Same._ _”_

They relaxed into a comfortable silence, leaning against the counters and sipping at their coffee. After a while, Castiel put down his mug to ask Dean about his mother.

 _“_ _She went out a little while ago. Meeting a friend for brunch._ _”_ He smirked. _“_ _She said she didn_ _’_ _t want to deal with the aftermath._ _”_

 _“I_ _don't_ _blame her. But at least I'm_ _not hungover. Not completely._ _”_

Dean nodded and repeated, _“_ _Same._ _”_

They lapsed into silence again, though this time, with the caffeine slowly kicking in, Castiel couldn’t help but recall last night, and how Dean had looked when he was shirtless and laughing. With the way Dean was not-so-subtly shooting him glances over his mug, he almost wondered if Dean was thinking along similar lines. For an agonizing five minutes, they said nothing, shuffling from foot to foot as they sipped their coffee, and Castiel was caving in to the unbearable urge to flee when Charlie and Benny appeared. He closed his eyes in relief and watched as Dean and his friends scurried to put together some kind of breakfast for everyone.

The rest of the morning passed in a blur. The others got up, they all helped with breakfast – well, they helped mixed the batter, but Dean cooked the pancakes – and after eating, they parted ways. Castiel was the last to leave, and hugged Sam goodbye. When he turned to Dean, the elder Winchester just waved at him with a small smile, and Castiel felt a stab of something in his chest that he decided not to dwell on. He vaguely promised Sam they would see each other again soon, and then he was dazedly driving home, pondering the night he had had. 

* * *

 Balthazar, predictably, blew the whole thing out of proportion during their next Skype chat.

 _“_ _Cassie, my boy, you'_ _re finally going to get some!"_

Castiel rolled his eyes. _“_ _Nothing happened! Now stop it. You_ _’_ _re making me have expectations._ _”_

Balthazar’s expression was flat. _“_ _Come on, he was clearly into you! Climb aboard the Winchester wagon and ride him all the way to the station!_ _”_

Castiel grimaced. _“_ _That is a terrible metaphor. Please never repeat it._ _”_

Balthazar just winked lewdly, and Castiel huffed, a smile tugging at his lips even as he shook his head.

Truth be told, it was overwhelming, and Balthazar wasn’t helping. This casual encounter was blossoming into something embarrassingly reminiscent of a crush. Though, as Castiel now relived his memories of the party, analyzing every detail, he wasn’t able to draw any conclusive evidence of Dean’s mutual interest.

Dean had blushed and fumbled to sign after Castiel took off his shirt? That was just the alcohol and his friends’ teasing, not to mention his surprise that Castiel was “ripped,” and Dean had only commented on that because he’d only ever seen Castiel in a library or heard about him in the Writing Center, and he didn’t seem like the athletic type. That was it.

Or was it?

Against everything, Castiel was starting to hope, and that was a dangerous thing to do.

To clear his head, he decided to go for a run. Castiel tried to go out at least four times a week, sometimes more when he had nothing else to do, and right now, it was exactly what he needed. The rhythmic pounding of his shoes on the sidewalk filled his mind, canceling out all other noise and terrible ‘what if’ scenarios until he was left feeling cleansed, despite being sweaty and out of breath.

 _Ripped_ indeed.

Castiel smirked.

* * *

Days passed, and Castiel didn’t think of Dean. Or at least, he tried not to.

With each day that went by, Castiel further convinced himself that it had all been in his head. After all, it wasn’t like they had exchanged numbers. If Dean really _was_ interested, he could’ve asked Sam for Castiel’s phone number, but clearly he hadn’t, as Castiel’s phone was its usual self – quiet, except for a few texts from some of his friends from school. It helped that he hadn’t heard much from Sam either, other than a text saying that Sam hadn’t needed to make an appointment and actually had other plans for lunch this week. Sam had offered instead to get together again during the weekend, and Castiel was about to say yes when it turned out he was going to be busy.

Almost a week after the party, he came home from work to Anna grudgingly informing him that their older brothers would be dropping by since they had a conference in the area. As usual, it was a last-minute arrangement and they expected to stay in town and visit all weekend, so of course that meant Castiel and Anna had to drop everything they were doing and prepare for their arrival.

The only consolation was that Gabriel would be coming as well, probably due to some form of bribery. Out of the three of them, Gabriel had made the largest effort in communicating and keeping in touch with Castiel around his busy work schedule, since he owned his own business – a small coffee shop/bakery near the local university. Though they didn’t talk enough, at least Gabriel had a knack for diffusing the tension that often sprung up between Michael and Lucifer.

Still, having all three of them crowded into their small apartment was never pleasant, and Castiel spent the rest of the week dreading his brothers’ arrival, all the way up until the instant Gabriel threw open their apartment door with a wide grin.

Castiel was the baby of the family, with all his siblings at least ten years older than him, but at least with Gabriel he was taller, and that gave him some measure of satisfaction as he towered over his brother. Gabriel trounced inside followed by Lucifer, who entered with his nose already in the air and judgment in his eyes. Castiel and Anna had spent all of their free time in the last few days scrubbing the apartment from floor to ceiling, and it looked cleaner than when they had moved in, but of course, Lucifer immediately ran his finger along their bookshelf and pulled it away, a look of comic disgust on his face at the microscopic dust on his fingertip. Anna blanched and stuttered an apology, and Castiel’s hands curled into fists, not relaxing when his oldest brother, Michael, swept inside, his presence immediately lording over them all as he stared at them up and down.

The rest of the evening went about as expected. Over dinner, Michael and Lucifer filled them in on their oh-so-exciting lives. Since they had moved into the city with the excuse of supporting their family, they had both entered and were now the heads of rival consulting firms. Castiel had yet to understand what that meant either of them actually _did_ , but it wasn’t like they could explain it to him even if they wanted to, as neither had bothered to learn more than a handful of signs. That forced Anna into a role similar to Dean’s, and Castiel tried not to look too bored as he followed her interpreting.

Oh look, Michael and Lucifer both had new women in their lives. Michael was with a woman named Raph, and Lucifer’s sweetheart was Lillith. Lovely. Which only prompted the question Castiel had been dreading.

To be fair, Anna looked equally exasperated as she interpreted for Michael, asking, _“_ _Anyone new in your life?_ _”_

Castiel huffed as he signed, _“_ _You know what to tell him._ _”_ Anna gave him a look and he was immediately chastened, knowing it wasn’t her fault she was stuck being their go-between.

While Anna supplied his standard answer, Castiel raised an eyebrow at Gabriel, who interrupted everyone by reaching across the table to spear asparagus on his fork and then obscenely wiggle it in the air. His distraction worked, causing Anna to smile, Lucifer to roll his eyes, and Michael to purse his lips in the grim line Castiel remembered most about him. Castiel could only sigh and stare at the clock.

When Anna started to get tired and struggled to keep up with interpreting, Castiel told her to stop, and he spent the rest of their conversation watching what felt like a silent film without dialogue cues. All he could read was body language, and considering Anna’s rigid posture, they must’ve moved on to discussing her life. Lucifer, as usual, appeared to be enjoying her discomfort, and of course Michael presided over it all with a smug sense of satisfaction, if his righteously puffed-up chest was any indication.

As for Gabriel, he was his normal enigmatic self, sometimes grinning and other times scowling, but unlike his older brothers, he remembered that Castiel was there and attempted to sign with him.

 _“W_ _hat_ _’s_ _up, brother?"_ _  
_

Castiel shrugged, not up to playing this game. Gabriel was selective in the signs he remembered, often going for the most lewd ones, and Castiel was not in the mood.

 _“_ _Nothing._ _”_

 _“_ _Nothing?_ _”_ Gabriel echoed. _“_ _You sure there_ _’_ _s no special girl in your life?_ _”_

Castiel glared at him.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m sure,_ _”_ he signed.

 _“_ _Or a special_ _…_ _boy?_ _”_

Castiel’s jaw tightened and he refused to answer as Gabriel continued pestering him until finally, Castiel had to push away from the table and stomp to his room, slamming the door behind him.

When he finally emerged an hour later, it was to find Gabriel and Lucifer watching TV, and Anna and Michael in deep discussion at the kitchen table. Castiel glanced over and saw beyond them that the sink was close to overflowing with dishes, so he trudged over and got to work. He could feel his siblings’ gazes, particularly Michael’s, on his back, but he ignored them, scrubbing harder than he needed to. He could tell Michael was itching to say something to him, but it would have to wait, or perhaps not happen at all, because, blessedly, he had shifts at the library all weekend.


	5. Chapter 5

Working at the library did little to help Castiel’s mood while his brothers were visiting.

Saturday was an all-day affair. It was busier than usual, and the break-down room filled up as fast as he was able to shelve everything. On top of that, there were several kids’ events going on, and during the whole affair, no less than three toddlers escaped down the aisles with their frantic parents chasing after them. One nearly tripped Castiel, but he didn’t make an effort to catch them, not when he had books to shelve in their _proper_ places because people had left them lying around everywhere. A harried mother followed, and Castiel flattened himself to the bookshelf to let her pass. It was while his gaze was directed beyond her that he saw an interesting image.

Dean was there, just outside of the stacks, talking to a pretty white brunette with a boy in front of her who was roughly six or seven years old. Dean was grinning vibrantly as he spoke with her, moving flirtatiously, and when he knelt to ruffle the kid’s hair, it seemed like a familiar motion.

Castiel frowned but forced himself back to shelving, jamming in the books a little harder than necessary. He didn’t realize he was gritting his teeth until someone lightly tapped him on the shoulder, and he spun around to face none other than Dean, who grinned beautifully at him. Castiel had no right to feel angry, but a spike of annoyance shot through him and he stared pointedly at his cart, refusing to acknowledge Dean’s attempts at conversation. Dean finally patted his arm forcefully, and Castiel looked up to find concern on the Winchester’s face.

 _“_ _Are you okay? You seem mad._ _”_

Castiel’s shoulders slumped as he let out a sigh. It wasn’t fair of him to take out his own insecurities on Dean when he hadn’t done anything wrong. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m fine. Just tired,_ _”_ he signed, and at Dean’s raised eyebrow, he added, _“_ _My older brothers are visiting. One of them decided to crash with us, so I had to sleep on the floor._ _”_ He hissed internally when his mind recalled the last time he had slept on the floor – at the Winchester’s home, a little over a week ago.

Dean’s expression was sympathetic. _“_ _That sucks. I used to love it when we went camping as kids, but now I_ _’_ _d give my left kidney to sleep on my Memory Foam._ _”_

Castiel smiled despite himself. _“_ _Memory Foam?_ _”_

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _ve never tried Memory Foam? You don_ _’_ _t know what you_ _’_ _re missing! Seriously, don_ _’_ _t knock it till you try it! You should come over and_ _…”_ Dean cut himself off with a blush, and Castiel couldn’t help but rub it in.

 _“_ _Are you inviting me to your bed, Mr. Winchester?_ _”_

Dean smirked, and he waggled his eyebrows so ridiculously that Castiel laughed out loud. He was surprised when Dean assumed a wistful expression, and he asked him what that was for.

 _“_ _I like your voice,_ _”_ Dean signed hesitantly, and Castiel’s heart froze in his chest.

 _“_ _My voice?_ _”_

Dean nodded. _“_ _It_ _’_ _s lower than I thought. Can you_ _…_ _speak at all? Sorry if that_ _’_ _s offensive,_ _”_ he added quickly.

Castiel swallowed heavily. _“_ _I lost my hearing when I was eight, so I suppose I can. But I haven_ _’_ _t tried since then._ _”_

 _“_ _Why not?_ _”_ Dean signed, and then cringed. _“_ _Sorry. You don_ _’_ _t have to answer._ _”_

Castiel huffed bitterly, amused at the timing. _“_ _My brother, Lucifer_ _…_ _He used to make fun of me. Whenever I tried new words, I guess I never pronounced them correctly and I remembered seeing a Deaf person in a video in school once, and I thought they sounded weird and_ _…_ _I didn_ _’_ _t want to sound like that._ _”_ He let out a long breath, feeling an odd lightening in his shoulders at the confession. That is, until he remembered it was Dean he was confessing it to, and he ducked his head in embarrassment, just barely catching Dean’s reply.

 _“Wow, you have a brother named Lucifer. And no surprise, but he s_ _ounds like a dick._ _”_

Castiel let out a quick burst of laughter, which he reined in as he lifted his head, mirroring Dean’s smirk.

 _“_ _He is a dick,_ _”_ Castiel signed, unable to keep a smile off his face.

 _“_ _Is he the one visiting?_ _”_

 _“_ _One of the three._ _”_

 _“_ _Three older brothers? Wow._ _”_

 _“_ _And a sister._ _”_ Castiel made a face. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m the baby of the family._ _”_

Dean nodded before growing tentative. _“_ _I heard from Sam that it_ _’_ _s just you guys._ _”_

Castiel inhaled a breath and started shelving books again, not wanting to get in trouble with his boss and using that as an excuse to avoid Dean’s gaze. He nodded and paused to put down a book and sign, _“_ _Yes. My mother died around the time I lost my hearing, and I don_ _’_ _t remember much of my father._ _”_ He winced. Why was he telling this to Dean again?

But Dean just looked like he understood. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m sorry._ _”_ His gaze darted away for a second and he licked his lips. _“_ _I guess you heard from Sam what_ _’_ _s going on with us. The divorce. My dad_ _’_ _s affair._ _”_

Castiel nodded. _“_ _Yes, but you don_ _’_ _t need to tell me if you don_ _’_ _t want to._ _”_

Dean shrugged. _“_ _No, it_ _’_ _s okay. I_ _’_ _m just_ _…_ _mad at him, but I miss him, you know? The thing is, it wasn_ _’_ _t just an affair. He had another kid with another woman, and now he_ _’_ _s living with them._ _”_

Castiel’s mouth parted in shock.

 _“_ _It was going on for years, and we had no idea! I have a fucking half-brother!_ _”_

Castiel was speechless at that, and suddenly all his own family drama seemed tame. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m so sorry,_ _”_ he signed lamely, unsure what else there was to say.

Dean’s shoulders slumped. _“_ _Thanks._ _”_ An unsure smile tugged on his lips as he met Castiel’s eyes and then stared at his feet, starting to sign something and then stopping.

 _“_ _What is it?_ _”_ Castiel asked.

Dean tried again but stopped, shaking his head. _“_ _Never mind. I should go. My mom needs help at the house. I was just_ _…_ _stopping by. I should let you get back to work._ _”_ He smiled unsurely and Castiel nodded, confused.

 _“_ _Okay. I guess I_ _’_ _ll_ _—”_ he stopped and grinned suddenly. When Dean frowned at him, Castiel nodded past him, and Dean turned around to see what Castiel was indicating.

 _“_ _The man in the lab coat and boots,_ _”_ Castiel explained when Dean turned back. _“_ _He_ _’_ _s one of our regulars. His outfit reminds me of that TV show_ _–_ _do you watch Dr. Sexy, M.D.?_ _”_

Dean stifled a laugh and Castiel was glad to see him happy again. _“_ _Do I watch Dr. Sexy, M.D.? Hell yeah I do!_ _”_

Castiel lifted his eyebrows. _“_ _I_ _’_ _ve never met anyone who declared that so proudly._ _”_

Dean blushed and shrugged defensively. _“_ _What? Sue me. The dude_ _’_ _s got style._ _”_

Castiel barked out a laugh at Dean’s face, dissolving into giggles as Dean looked more and more offended.

 _“_ _No judging!_ _”_

Castiel just grinned. _“_ _I can hardly judge when I watch the show religiously._ _”_

 _“_ _You do? What do you think about_ _—”_

 _“_ _No, don_ _’_ _t spoil anything! I haven_ _’_ _t seen most of season four. I can_ _’_ _t find the closed caption versions online._ _”_

Dean made an unimpressed face. _“_ _Okay, I own them and they come with closed captions. You should come over and watch it._ _”_

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _d love to,_ _”_ Castiel signed, smiling.

 _“_ _Awesome._ _”_ Dean grinned back. _“_ _But I_ _’_ _ve got to go, so_ _…_ _wait, let me give you my number so we can text._ _”_ Castiel reached for his notebook and handed it to Dean, telling Dean to write it the old-fashioned way since he had to leave his phone in the break-down room. Castiel felt a pleasant tingling as Dean scratched out his number and gave his notebook back before waving and turning to leave.

The moment Castiel got back to the break-down room, he sneakily took out his phone and plugged in Dean’s information, texting him immediately so that Dean would have his number. It was only after he sent it that Castiel realized how over-eager he had seemed, and he winced until his phone vibrated with Dean’s reply, just seconds later.

**_awesome! thx. :)_ **

Castiel’s heart fluttered even as he grimaced. Balthazar was definitely going to rub this in his face.

* * *

The rest of Castiel’s afternoon passed quickly as he got busy shelving again. He was in such a good mood that he kept smiling randomly. Sure, his and Dean’s conversation had dipped into some heavy, depressing topics, but he had ended up with Dean’s number, so that meant it was successful, right? Castiel fought off the urge to text Dean again, just because he could. He didn’t want to seem clingy or desperate, so he held back, allowing himself to float on the happiness of Dean’s encounter until he got home to find Michael waiting expectantly for him at the table, his laptop opened to a new Word document. Michael swiveled the laptop to face Castiel as he toed off his shoes, and Castiel felt his joy seeping out of him as he trudged over, bracing himself. He slid into the seat next to Michael and read what his brother had already typed out.

**_We need to talk._ **

Castiel grabbed the laptop and typed underneath that, **I still don** **’** **t see why you couldn** **’** **t have just sent an email.**

Michael read it and his jaw tightened. **Because I wanted to talk in person.**

 **Right.** **“** **Talk.** **”**

 **That** **’** **s not fair and you know it. We are talking, like this.** When Castiel rolled his eyes, Michael typed furiously, **Really, Castiel? You still blame me for not learning sign language? Do you not get how much else I** **’** **ve got going on? Stop acting like a child.**

Castiel ground his teeth. **I understand. You** **’** **ve got your company to run. You don** **’** **t have time for family.**

Michael slammed his hand on the table, making Castiel jump. **You understand nothing! You don** **’** **t even know why I** **’** **m here, do you? Well, guess what, I** **’** **ve been spending my free time researching for you, and I** **’** **ve found a new brand of cochlear implants that have gotten positive reviews.**

Castiel yanked the laptop out of his brother’s grip to type. **I understand nothing? How many times have I told you that I don** **’** **t want cochlear implants?**

Michael was aghast. **But why? You could hear again. The technology is remarkable and you could have great success. Do you know how much easier your life would be?**

**For who? For you, or for me?**

**For all of us! Castiel, you** **’** **re not out there in the world. I know, and I understand why. You** **’** **ve been hanging around here because you** **’** **re lonely and you can** **’** **t figure out what to do with yourself. This could give you options!**

**I have options!**

**And what are those again? Please enlighten me as to how your writing dreams are going to come true. I know for a fact that you** **’** **ve not even written a sentence of this story you keep talking about.**

Castiel thrust the laptop away as he shoved to his feet. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m done,_ _”_ he signed, and Michael seemed to get the gist as he shook his head angrily and typed, **Sit down. We** **’** **re not finished here.**

 _“_ _But I am finished. I_ _’_ _m not having this conversation anymore,_ _”_ Castiel signed, his gestures tight, livid. He smirked in satisfaction as Michael stared at him hard, clenching and unclenching his jaw.

 **Please sit down** , Michael typed. **I want to talk with you and I can** **’** **t understand when you sign.**

Castiel grinned smugly and flipped him off, knowing that that was a sign his brother would recognize. Michael’s face began to turn an interesting color but Castiel ignored him, yanking on his coat and shoes and flinging the door open. He felt something hit his back, and knew Michael was throwing things at him to get his attention, but he walked out and slammed the door behind him, shaking.

In his car, Castiel leaned back and closed his eyes, inhaling long, deep breaths. The last time Michael had visited, Castiel had recovered from their argument by driving to the mall a few towns over and walking it off, but tonight, he didn’t feel like going far, and he needed something that would completely distract him so he wouldn’t fixate on his brother’s truths. He found himself reaching into his pocket to pull out his phone, bringing up his two-line text conversation with Dean.

It was way too soon, wasn’t it? But if Dean was free… What better distraction was there than a stupid TV show marathon?

He had texted Dean before he knew it, filling the message with sorrys and plenty of ways for him to back out if he didn’t feel comfortable enough. When a few minutes had gone by, Castiel started to formulate a back-up plan, knowing he shouldn’t have expected much, because obviously Dean was busy and this was so last-minute. But then Dean replied that he was free, and was actually about to watch Dr. Sexy on his own, so why not have Castiel join him? Castiel grinned widely and started the ignition, driving quickly to the Winchester’s home.

There, it was just a matter of sitting with Dean in the den as Mary looked over documents in the kitchen. Sam was out with Jess, and Castiel laughed as Dean mocked the way Sam spoke about her, as if she was the next coming of Christ. Though he sensed that Dean knew Castiel was upset, Castiel was infinitely grateful that he didn’t pry, and they settled back and watched Dr. Sexy, lounging on separate parts of the couch. Castiel wished they were closer so he could lean against Dean and feel his solid warmth, but this was enough for now.

This was enough.


	6. Chapter 6

By the time Castiel returned home, he was feeling 100% better, and managed to get through the next day by remembering that he and Dean had made plans for later that week. Michael didn’t try to talk to him again, but Castiel knew from experience that he hadn’t given up, and that they _would_ hash it all out later.

The night his brothers left, Anna and Castiel celebrated by ordering pizza and watching movies that were so bad, even the closed captions were their own source of amusement. It had been a long time since Castiel had had a good, long laugh with his sister, and after several glasses of wine, they caught up for real, spilling on their love lives – or lack thereof – and Castiel was pleased to learn that Anna had met someone recently, and that she was really interested in him.

 _“_ _He_ _’_ _s a surgeon so he_ _’_ _s really good with his hands,_ _”_ Anna signed, waggling her eyebrows, and Castiel groaned.

 _“_ _Please don_ _’_ _t say any more,_ _”_ Castiel signed back, and Anna laughed. Castiel let her go on and on about ‘Inias,’ all the while burying his own feelings about a certain crush. After all, it wasn’t like he had anything to add that Anna didn’t already know. Nothing between him and Dean had changed.

Except it had.  Watching Dr. Sexy with Dean had marked a shift in their relationship, and Castiel began to spend several hours at the Winchester home each week. At first, it was just to catch up on Dr. Sexy. But then, when they finished the box set, Dean wanted to show him something else, and then something else, and before Castiel knew it, they had a routine established. It wasn’t exactly the same every week, but Castiel showed up either on Friday night or Saturday night and stayed as late as he wanted. They would watch TV or play video games or hang out in the basement, and sometimes Sam would join them when he wasn’t spending time with Jess or doing homework for school. That was the one good thing about having graduated, Castiel surmised, privy to one of Sam’s freak-outs over a paper he had to write. Castiel didn’t have homework, but he did find himself missing the academic world as he coached Sam through his mental breakdown.

If Castiel didn’t know better, he would say that he and Dean were fast forming a close friendship. The problem was, Castiel was still madly attracted to him in a more-than-friend way. He loved Fridays the most because that was when Dean was fresh from the garage, and even though he showered, there was always a faint scent of motor oil clinging to him, and that smell, mixed with his body wash, was, frankly, intoxicating, especially to someone whose nose was more sensitive than most.

Then, there were the times Dean taught him pool in the basement. First, there had been light touches on Castiel’s back and hips to show him the proper stance, and calloused hands folded over his own to demonstrate how best to hold the cue. Then, after Castiel (disappointingly) had learned quickly enough for Dean to leave him on his own, he got to watch Dean lean over and play, and _damn_ he had a great ass. It didn’t help that Dean often wore his grubbier jeans when he was relaxing, and they had a tendency to slide down his hips, giving Castiel far too many ideas.

The worst by far, though, were the nights Castiel was able to get there early enough so Dean was still cooking dinner. Mary, as she insisted Castiel call her, was usually working late – Castiel learned that she had two jobs, one in a karate dojo as assistant instructor, and another as a housekeeper – so, it was often up to Dean to cook dinner while Sam was still in class or at meetings. While Dean had no problem with cooking, he had confided in Castiel on more than one occasion that he was annoyed his mom wouldn’t let him search for a second job himself. Castiel knew Dean already worked overtime at the garage, but Dean apparently wasn’t satisfied, wanting to work more to support their family and help Sam get through school. But the Winchesters were a stubborn breed, and Castiel could do little to console him except offer praise for his meals, telling Dean that cooking for his family was an important task as well, and if he was working, who would be home to provide food for everyone? Dean always shone when Castiel complimented him, and the shy smiles and blushes were enough to let Castiel know he had a real problem.

His attraction to Dean went _beyond_ just the physical. It was now going past being just a crush, and it made Castiel feel all tingly and warm inside whenever Dean looked at him in a certain way, and though it felt good in the moment, Castiel always berated himself later.

First of all, though Dean seemed unattached, Castiel knew next to nothing about his personal life in terms of romantic interests (and he had yet to figure out who that woman had been in the library). Was he interested in someone? Did he even like guys? Castiel remembered Sam’s vague comments, and wished he could learn something more decisive, even though it was rude to pry into such personal matters.

Second, they hadn’t initiated anything outside of Dean’s home. If Dean was interested back, wouldn’t he want to spend time with Castiel somewhere else? And sure, he dropped by the library sometimes, but they hadn’t gone out to eat or to see a movie or do anything 'datey' like that. Obviously Dean just wanted to be friends.

Third, it had been a long time since Castiel had connected so quickly and so strongly to another person, and he didn’t want to ruin it by forcing a relationship. He had so few people in his life as it was, and though he felt blessed to have them, he knew he wouldn’t make it if they left him. He needed them too much, especially after Michael’s visit.

Though his eldest brother was gone, the words Michael had left in his wake kept trickling into Castiel’s mind when he least expected them, making him annoyed and antsy.

 _Was_ he doing enough to figure out his life? Castiel knew that he was sinking into dangerous complacency with his poorly-paying jobs, and though he had vague ideas of what he wanted to do, they weren’t enough to motivate him to make drastic changes. After all, he liked his life right now, and with his friendship with the Winchesters deepening, he was able to forget the sense of dissatisfaction radiating through him.

But then Michael started emailing him. Constantly. Castiel had snorted when he got the first one, shocked that Michael had actually listened to him, but as they got more frequent, Castiel’s amusement turned to desperation, and he ignored them as long as he could. He was grateful when there was a brief hiatus, during which Gabriel informed him that Michael and Lucifer were fighting, but then the emails resumed at full force.

Castiel felt like he was suffocating or going mad. He wanted to punch something, he wanted to travel, he wanted to cry, he wanted to sleep and never wake up. It didn’t help that he didn’t go out often, though Anna kept trying to make him interact with the outside world. He couldn’t help it if he wasn’t interested, right? Especially with the way it was so aggravating to deal with hearing people sometimes…

Thankfully, his time with Dean distracted him, and Castiel began looking forward to their visits as the highlights of his week. Though they couldn’t always get together, and several times, Castiel wasn’t the only one visiting, it was enough to soothe him, at least for now.

* * *

It was a few weeks after Halloween, and Castiel was sitting on a barstool in the Winchester's kitchen, watching Dean throw together some tomato sauce for spaghetti. The smell of sizzling onions and tomatoes wafted through the air, and Castiel hummed happily, grinning at Dean when the Winchester shot him a weird look.

 _“_ _What are you so happy about?_ _”_ Dean signed, gesturing with the spoon in his hand and accidentally flicking bits of tomato sauce on the floor. As he bent down to wipe it up, Castiel admired the view, shifting awkwardly as other parts of his body also made their appreciation known.

When Dean straightened, Castiel signed, _“_ _I like watching you cook. And I_ _’_ _m excited to taste your sauce. Mary says it_ _’_ _s ten times better than the canned stuff._ _”_

 _“_ _Hell yeah it_ _’_ _s better than the canned stuff,_ _”_ Dean signed back, his expression smug.

 _“_ _Have you ever thought about cooking professionally?_ _”_ Castiel asked. _“_ _Your food is good enough to be in a restaurant. Seriously._ _”_

Dean rolled his eyes. _“_ _You_ _’_ _re just saying that._ _”_

 _“_ _No, I mean it. It_ _’_ _s delicious! I wish you could cook for me every night._ _”_

Dean grinned wickedly. _“_ _And make me do all the work? I see how it is. You just sit there and relax, honey._ _”_

Castiel rolled his eyes and just watched Dean as he started mouthing along to what Castiel guessed were song lyrics, slightly swaying his hips and bobbing his head. Dean had insisted on playing some of his favorite music for Castiel, and even though Castiel obviously couldn’t hear anything, he had appreciated the vibrations and the way Dean looked when he closed his eyes and drifted away from the world.

Since he had gone deaf, Castiel had missed music, especially after learning how important it was to Dean. Dean always seemed to have earbuds dangling from his pockets or hanging around his neck. In addition to the record collection in his room, there were also several guitars in his closet, which Dean had so far refused to play, claiming embarrassment. Castiel had pointed to his ears with a wry expression, and Dean had jokingly demanded why he even asked. That shut Castiel up, since he hadn’t wanted to reveal how much he enjoyed watching Dean when music flowed through him.

Castiel blinked and returned to the present, catching himself staring and hurriedly looking away. Dean didn’t appear to notice. 

 _“_ _Hey, Cas,_ _”_ Dean signed after filling a pot with water and setting it on the stove.

 _“_ _Yeah?_ _”_                                                

 _“_ _What are you doing for Thanksgiving?_ _”_

Castiel shrugged. _“_ _Just a little dinner with Anna, probably. Nothing special._ _”_

 _“_ _Your brothers won_ _’_ _t be visiting?_ _”_

 _“_ _No. Thankfully. They usually make their own Thanksgiving plans._ _”_ Castiel peered at Dean closely. _“_ _Why?_ _”_

Dean leaned against the counter, nonchalant. _“_ _No reason. My mom was just thinking of inviting you and your sister here. If you want._ _”_

 _“_ _That_ _’_ _s very kind. But don_ _’_ _t I eat enough of your food already?_ _”_

Dean grinned. _“_ _Yeah, but you can bring something this time. Make it kind of a potluck. We_ _’_ _re just planning on the three of us, though we_ _’_ _re going to stop by to see my grandparents and cousins later in the day._ _”_

 _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t know you had family around here._ _”_

Dean nodded. _“_ _My mom grew up near here, and so did me and Sammy for a little while._ _”_

 _“_ _You grew up here?_ _”_

 _“_ _Until I was six. But then we had to move because of Dad_ _’_ _s job._ _”_

Castiel nodded slowly, absorbing the information.

 _“_ _So_ _…_ _Thanksgiving?_ _”_ Dean asked after a short silence.

 _“_ _Right, I_ _’_ _ll have to talk to Anna. See what she thinks. We don_ _’_ _t want to impose._ _”_

Dean snorted. _“_ _We_ _’_ _re_ _inviting you. You won_ _’_ _t be imposing on anyone._ _”_

With that, Dean turned to the now-boiling water and poured in a package of elbow pasta. And after dinner, Castiel swore off of canned sauce forever. 

* * *

Anna gladly accepted the invitation, happy to get to meet Dean and the Winchesters after all she’d heard from Castiel. The day before Thanksgiving, Castiel had a half-day of work, and spent his free time navigating the crowds at a grocery store and then setting up the ingredients at home to attempt a pecan pie. Dean had told him that he would cook so Castiel and Anna could bring dessert, and Sam had added in a text that Dean was a huge fan of pie. It was a customary dessert for Thanksgiving anyways, but Castiel wanted it to be special since the Winchesters were putting in so much effort on their behalf.

Sadly, Castiel learned the hard way that he wasn’t meant to be a baker.

The first pie crust he attempted was soggy. The second burned around the edges, and after investigating online, he learned that a way to avoid that was using aluminum foil. Each time, he had to make new filling, and his apartment quickly smelled like an odd mixture of sugar and burning pastry. When Anna came home, she made a face and threw open the windows, helping Castiel finish the pecan before tackling an apple and then a pumpkin pie. Having helped their mother bake as a child, she had slightly more experience to offer, and Castiel added his own discovery of how pie crusts _should_ be made. By late evening, the desserts were complete, and Castiel couldn’t wait for Dean’s reaction, wishing Anna had let him sample a piece to make sure it was good enough.

The next day, after calling and wishing their brothers a happy thanksgiving, they drove to the Winchester’s home, arriving by 11:30 so they could hang out before the meal at noon. Sam greeted them at the door, and Castiel was instantly engulfed in a hug, which he vigorously returned. When they pulled apart, he commented on how good it smelled and Sam nodded eagerly. As Anna and Sam exchanged pleasantries, Castiel ventured ahead, his nose guiding him to the kitchen where Mary and Dean were putting finishing touches on their dishes. Castiel grinned at them as he set down his pie carrier, amused at Dean’s flowery apron.

 _“_ _Pie?_ _”_ Dean asked, and Castiel nodded.

 _“_ _Homemade apple, pecan, and pumpkin,_ _”_ he confirmed.

 _“_ _Awesome!_ _”_ Dean signed with enthusiasm. A second later, his smile shrank, and Castiel turned to see his sister frozen in the doorway, her eyes wide as she and Dean stared at each other. Sam glanced at Castiel, and they shared a confused look as both Dean and Anna snapped out of it, pointedly avoiding the other’s gaze.

 _“_ _Anna, this is Dean and Mary,_ _”_ Castiel introduced. Overcoming her abrupt awkwardness, Anna put on a smile and stuck out a hand, which Mary shook. They signed briefly and then Anna and Dean were shaking hands. Dean had an odd set to his shoulders, and Castiel noted how stiff his sister appeared.

Did they know each other?

Castiel caught Sam’s look again, and he could tell the younger Winchester was thinking along similar lines. But before they could inquire further, Mary ushered them into the den and pushed wine glasses into their hands. She disappeared into the kitchen and apparently shooed Dean out, as he stepped into the den with a wave, now apron-less and brandishing a bottle of wine. He made a beeline for Castiel, holding up the bottle and pouring it quickly. With his hands full, Castiel hesitated to ask what was going on, so he just watched as Dean filled all of their glasses and then gestured to the table, where some fruit appetizers and a can of mixed nuts were laid out. Then he, too, vanished like his mother back into the kitchen, and Castiel was left staring at Anna, who was biting her lip.

 _“_ _You already knew him,_ _”_ Castiel signed after putting down his glass, and Sam made a show of giving them privacy as he helped himself to the appetizers.

Anna sighed. _“_ _It was a while ago. A quick fling. Nothing special._ _”_

Castiel’s jaw dropped. _“_ _Wait. You slept_ _with him?!_ _”_

Anna hunched over in embarrassment. _“_ _Yes, okay? I was lonely, I went to a bar and had a one-night stand with a man named Dean, who apparently is the same Dean you_ _’_ _ve been talking about this whole time. But it didn_ _’_ _t mean anything, I promise._ _”_

Castiel blinked at her, his stomach in knots. He held up his hands to speak, but didn’t know what to say. Part of him wanted to ask how it went, while another part was curious if Dean was really into him when he clearly liked women, and yet another part felt a stirring of jealousy, which made no sense. Dean and Castiel were just friends. Castiel had nothing to be jealous of, because there was nothing special there. Nothing at all.

It was just in his head.

Castiel inhaled deep breaths, hoping to untangle his gut, but now it just felt bruised, as if he had been punched.

That’s what he got for hoping.

 _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t do that,_ _”_ Anna chided, making Castiel meet her eyes. _“_ _It meant nothing, okay?_ _”_

Castiel nodded glumly and jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder. Sam’s gaze was curious but he didn’t ask. 

 _“_ _The food_ _’_ _s ready,_ _”_ Sam signed as he spoke aloud, nodding to Anna. They followed him into the kitchen and sat down for their noontime meal.

There was a gorgeous spread on the table, and though there was some awkwardness at first, it quickly dissipated as they all gave quick thanks and dug into the food. The conversation was spirited, half-signing and half-speaking out loud around laughter, and though Castiel missed bits of it, he allowed himself to relax, enjoying the company. The wine made his head feel hot and light, and with the weight taken from his mind, nothing bothered him anymore, not even knowing his sister’s history with Dean. It didn’t matter. Dean was still his friend, and that was the important thing, right? He would have to deal with his disappointment later, and bitter disappointment it was when Dean made a sex face at him after taking a bite of his pecan pie.

After they finished, they all pitched in to clear the table and wash the dishes, and then gathered in the den to sink into the couch and digest. Mary gestured for Dean to go get something, and when he returned with his guitar, Castiel couldn’t take his eyes off him. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Sam adjust his hearing aid, and wondered what he could actually hear. Could he make out the words, the guitar’s strumming? Or did Dean’s voice shine above it all?

But it didn’t matter, because when Dean played, it was one of the most beautiful things Castiel had ever seen. His eyes fixated on Dean’s fingers and then roamed up to his face, which was rosy and relaxed with his eyes closed and lips parted. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Mary looking on with pride, while Sam grinned and Anna swayed softly to the beat, mouthing the lyrics. It was a perfect moment, and Castiel refused to let anything ruin it.

At four o’clock, he and Anna bade farewell, as the Winchesters had to visit with their relatives. Laden with leftovers and still light-headed from the wine, Castiel slid into the passenger seat of his sister’s car and smiled contentedly, his head lolling back.

 _“_ _Did you have a good time?_ _”_ he signed lazily, and was surprised when he glanced over and saw tears streaking from Anna’s face. _“_ _What_ _’_ _s wrong? Are you okay?_ _”_

Anna just sniffed and shook her head. _“_ _I had a great time. But it just made me really miss Mom._ _”_

And with that, they pulled out of the driveway and Castiel’s heart felt heavy. His family hadn’t crossed his mind once, and he wondered if he should’ve felt guilty about it. At the very least he wanted his sister to feel better, so he took her hand in his and squeezed hard. She squeezed back and they drove home.


	7. Chapter 7

The aftermath of Thanksgiving felt no different than before, though Castiel made more of an effort to first be aware of his romantic feelings toward Dean, and then to let them go. It wasn’t easy, as they spent so much time together, but after two weeks of telling himself it wouldn’t happen, he felt like he was finally managing to make progress. Now, whenever Dean shot him a dazzling smile, there was only a dull flair in his gut, and by reminding himself that they were friends and nothing more, it was getting easier to ignore it.

But perhaps he wasn’t making as much progress as he thought, because one day, Sam texted him about lunch, and Castiel found himself with the younger Winchester in the Bean & Leaf Café across from campus. Castiel was just dunking his grilled cheese into the house-made tomato soup when Sam started signing.

_“_ _Can I ask you something?_ _”_

Castiel nodded, gesturing with one hand. _“_ _Of  course._ _”_ Sam looked uncomfortable, and Castiel frowned. _“_ _What is it?_ _”_

_“_ _What'_ _s going on with you and my brother?_ _”_

Castiel choked on his sandwich and coughed for a second. He shot Sam a look, signing hurriedly, _“_ _What are you talking about? Nothing_ _’_ _s going on. We_ _’_ _re just friends._ _”_

_“_ _You guys hang out an awful lot for just friends._ _”_

_“_ _We_ _’_ _re friends_ _,_ _”_ Castiel repeated firmly.

Sam made a face. _“_ _Really? Because I_ _’_ _m deaf, not blind, and I_ _’_ _ve seen the way you two look at each other. Especially at Thanksgiving._ _”_

_“_ _It_ _’_ _s nothing,_ _”_ Castiel signed, quashing the surge of hope in his stomach.

Sam’s expression was flat. _“_ _Nothing? I don_ _’_ _t think Dean_ _’_ _s ever gone to the library this much in his life. He_ _’_ _s got a stack of books in his room and I don_ _’_ _t think he_ _’_ _s actually reading any of them!_ _”_

_“_ _But he_ _’_ _s always sounded interested in them,_ _”_ Castiel signed. _“_ _Why would he take them out if he didn_ _’_ _t want to read them?_ _”_   He was proud that his logic was sound, but Sam just rolled his eyes.

_“_ _How many times does he visit you there? At least once a week, right?_ _”_

_“_ _Yes, but only when he'_ _s not working through lunch. And the garage is nearby, so it_ _’_ _s not a big deal for him to want to take a walk_ _—”_

_“_ _Why are you denying this so much?_ _”_ Sam cut in. _“_ _I thought you were interested in him._ _”_

Castiel swallowed and glanced down.

_“_ _What, do you think he_ _’_ _s not interested back?_ _”_ Sam asked. _“_ _Because I_ _’_ _ve known Dean my whole life, and he_ _’_ _s definitely interested._ _”_

Castiel sighed. _“_ _Stop. Just stop._ _”_

_“_ _No, I don'_ _t get it. You'_ _re both into each other. What'_ _s stopping you?_ _”_

_“_ _It_ _’_ _s not like that, okay?_ _”_

_“_ _Why? Because Dean slept with your sister two years ago?_ _”_

Castiel’s eyes widened. _“_ _How did you_ _—_ _?_ _”_

_“_ _Dean told me. And well, it was kind of obvious, the way they were both acting. But what_ _’_ _s the problem?_ _”_

Castiel’s expression was frustrated. _“_ _The problem is that I still barely know Dean! I have no idea about his personal life, and he wants to keep it that way because we_ _’_ _re just friends. That_ _’_ _s why we_ _’_ _ve only hung out at your house. He doesn_ _’_ _t want to go out anywhere and make it seem like we_ _’_ _re more than that._ _”_

_“_ _But he goes out with Benny and Charlie all the time,_ _”_ Sam signed, and Castiel’s brows furrowed.

_“_ _He does?_ _”_

_“_ _Yeah. Because they are his friends. You are something more, and he_ _’_ _s been too afraid to do anything about it._ _”_

_“…_ _that can_ _’_ _t be true._ _”_

_“_ _Why? Because he likes women? Well, news flash, Dean likes men, too._ _”_

_“_ _He'_ _s told you this?_ _”_

Sam scrunched his face. _“_ _Not in so many words. But he_ _’_ _s hinted at it. And I_ _’_ _ve seen him stare at men all his life. Why do you think he likes Doctor Sexy so much?_ _”_

Castiel fiddled with his napkin, his gut swooping with joy even as he tried to contain it.

_“_ _So you think he_ _’_ _s interested? In me?_ _”_

Sam nodded vigorously. _“_ _Yes. But he_ _’_ _s never been with a man before. And he_ _’_ _s had exactly one long-term relationship in his life._ _”_

Castiel snorted. _“_ _And I_ _’_ _ve had none._ _”_

_“_ _So what? Christmas is coming up. Maybe you guys should figure it out._ _”_ His face fell. _“_ _Especially since our dad_ _’_ _s going to visit. Dean will need something to make him happy._ _”_

Castiel felt something heavy settle inside him at that, and was grateful when Sam changed the subject to school and then Jess.

But Castiel couldn’t stop thinking about their conversation. Sam knew Dean better than anyone, and what if he was right? What if Dean really _was_ interested? When he asked them, Anna and Balthazar gave him the same advice – just go for it. And while Castiel’s heart pounded fearfully when he thought about finally confronting Dean, he was also overwhelmed by joyful anticipation. The walls he had built around his attraction to Dean crumbled easily, and Castiel was surprised that he had thought they were so strong when all he wanted to do was admit to Dean that he liked him.

Castiel spent the following week, the third week before Christmas, gearing himself to confess to Dean during their next hangout. Only, as it turned out, on Wednesday afternoon he got a text from Dean after work.

**sorry, gotta cancel plans for friday. got a new job.**

Castiel stared at the words, waiting for them to make sense.

**A new job?** He texted back. **I thought your mom didn** **’** **t want you to get one.**

Dean didn’t respond for several minutes, and when he did, it was with a vague, **we** **’** **ll talk later.**

Later ended up being the next day at the library, where Castiel abandoned his concerns about Dean to zone out while shelving. Dean found him in the 500’s, shelving books about animals, and Castiel was saddened by the tired expression on his face.

_“_ _What_ _’_ _s going on?_ _”_ he asked immediately, and Dean sighed, scrubbing a hand down his face.

_“_ _More divorce papers came through, and we_ _’_ _re not getting as much money as we thought._ _”_

Castiel winced. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m so sorry._ _”_

_“_ _Yeah. We'_ _re behind on mortgage payments and Sammy_ _’_ _s college payments so I got a new job as line cook at this place called The Roadhouse. Small business, family owned, and I guess my boss at the garage knew the woman who ran the place, which is why I got the job. It_ _’_ _s nights. Every night._ _”_

 Castiel frowned. _“_ _Every night? So you_ _’_ _ll be working overtime at the garage and then go work there? That_ _’_ _s too much. You_ _’_ _ll kill yourself._ _”_

Dean scoffed. _“_ _What else am I going to do? We need the money, and Sam needs to focus on school._ _”_

Castiel felt guilty as he thought about his own relatively lax working hours. His and Anna’s apartment wasn’t exactly big, but neither of them made that much. They got by comfortably because Michael insisted on sending them money every month, which was his way of saying he still cared about them.

_“_ _At least you_ _’_ _re getting professional cooking experience,_ _”_ Castiel signed tentatively. _“_ _That_ _’_ _ll help if you do want to go to a culinary school eventually._ _”_

_“_ _Like we'_ _d be able to afford it._ _”_

_“_ _There are such things as scholarships. And I just shelved a whole bunch of books on raising funds for school if you_ _’_ _re interested_ _—”_

_“_ _Thanks, but that_ _’_ _s not happening._ _”_ Dean sighed, his shoulders slumping. _“_ _And Mom_ _’_ _s crying again. The money she put aside for Christmas gifts is all gone._ _”_

Dean looked so miserable that Castiel impulsively reached out to brace his hands on his arms in a gesture of comfort. He squeezed once and pulled back, signing, _“_ _We can help. Anna and I._ _”_

Dean’s face pinched at the mention of Anna, a subject they had determinedly avoided.

_“_ _No, you guys don'_ _t need to do anything._ _”_

_“_ _Please,_ _”_ Castiel signed. _“_ _You gave us one of the best Thanksgivings we_ _’_ _ve ever had. It_ _’_ _s the least we could do._ _”_

  _“_ _We_ _’_ _re not taking your money._ _”_

_“_ _What if you don_ _’_ _t have a choice?_ _”_ Castiel threatened, and as Dean scowled Castiel pressed on before he could say anything. _“_ _At least let us help with gifts. Anna works retail. She might know of ways to get discounts. Please. I_ _’_ _m sure she_ _’_ _d be happy to help._ _”_

Dean’s scowl only deepened, and Castiel could tell that this would take a lot more convincing.

_“_ _Please, Dean. I really want to help you. Let me._ _”_

Dean turned away from him. _“_ _You shouldn_ _’_ _t have to. You barely make enough as it is._ _”_

_“_ _It_ _’_ _s not like I_ _’_ _m saving up for anything at the moment. Please,_ _”_ Castiel signed, grabbing Dean’s arm again. He was shocked when Dean didn’t twist out of the grip but instead leaned into it, stepping forward to pull him into a tight hug, resting his head on his left shoulder. Castiel stood there stiffly for a moment before relaxing and hugging back. Pressed so closely, Castiel could feel the hard planes of his chest and the warmth of his body. For a moment, there was a rumbling added to that and a tickling on the back of his neck, and Castiel realized Dean was saying something. They pulled apart and Castiel looked at him questioningly.

_“_ _What did you say?_ _”_ Castiel signed, but Dean just shook his head.

_“_ _Nothing._ _”_ Dean stared at the floor but slowly lifted his gaze, smiling sadly. _“_ _Thanks. I_ _’_ _ll text you. I_ _’_ _ve got to get back to work now. See you later._ _”_

* * *

 Those were the last words Castiel got from Dean in person over the next week. Their hangouts were indefinitely canceled, and since Dean was still adjusting to the harder schedule, Castiel tried not to be too disappointed when Dean stopped visiting the library, opting instead to take naps during his lunch breaks. Still, they texted when they could, and Castiel made it clear that Dean didn’t have to apologize. Castiel understood. Family was important.

Anna apparently understood that, too, which was why she was quick to help them out when Castiel told her about the Winchester’s financial struggles. She went right to work and pulled some strings, managing to get a few hefty gift cards that Castiel passed to the Winchesters the next time he saw Sam at school. The Winchesters were beyond grateful, and Castiel couldn’t thank Anna enough, especially since he still felt guilty over the awkwardness that had hung between them since the revelation of her night with Dean.

Castiel hadn’t wanted to think about it – it was his _sister_ – but of course, that meant Anna had to bring it up one night while they were chopping vegetables for stir fry. 

_“_ _He was really sweet. Very gentle, very_ _…_ _giving,_ _”_ she signed shyly, grinning when Castiel flushed.

_“_ _Please stop,_ _”_ he signed stiffly, but Anna insisted.

_“_ _You could do a lot worse. A lot worse, trust me. Dean'_ _s great, and his family_ _’_ _s great. I'_ _m happy for you._ _”_

Castiel sighed. _“_ _You make it sound like I_ _’_ _m already married to them. You do realize Dean and I aren_ _’_ _t even dating?_ _”_

_“_ _Which is ridiculous,_ _”_ Anna signed. _“_ _Why aren_ _’_ _t you saying anything again?_ _”_

_“_ _The timing_ _’_ _s not right._ _”_

_“_ _And when will it be right? Maybe he needs this right now._ _”_

_“_ _I_ _’_ _m not forcing myself onto him when he_ _’_ _s stressed enough as it is!_ _”_ Plus, Castiel would be Dean’s first experience with a man and he didn’t want to rush it, though he only added that thought to himself. 

Anna was gazing at him knowingly, and Castiel figured it was an eye for an eye.

_“_ _So, things are going well with Inias? When am I going to meet him?_ _”_

Anna pursed her lips, acknowledging the subject change, but she brightened considerably as she described her relationship. Inias was kind, quirky, fun…and he held no stigmas against anyone with different ways of life. Castiel felt himself warm at that, realizing that it was important to Anna that her boyfriend to be able to accept Castiel.

The rest of their evening passed, and Castiel fobbed off Balthazar’s texts, not wanting to deal with his boisterous friend, who would undoubtedly continue to demand that Castiel give up his v-card by hooking up with Dean Winchester already.

And okay, so Castiel was making a few excuses to avoid revealing himself to Dean. But some of them just so happened to be legitimate reasons, right? Relationships weren’t easy, at least that’s what everyone kept telling him, and Castiel didn’t want to burden Dean with anything else. Timing _did_ play a factor, and he would be damned if he ruined their friendship because he tried something new too soon.


	8. Chapter 8

Two weeks before Christmas, Castiel was perusing Reddit in his room. He yawned, glancing at the clock on the bureau, which read 11:30. He stood up, stretching, preparing to march into the bathroom and brush his teeth, when his pocket vibrated and he pulled out his phone to see that he had received a text. Balthazar had said he wouldn’t text since he was heading to Las Vegas with some friends, so Castiel curiously opened up the message and was surprised to see that it was from Dean.

**i can** **’** **t do this.**

Castiel’s heart froze and he had to take a few deep breaths before his fingers flew over the buttons.

**Are you okay?**

When Dean didn’t answer immediately, Castiel frantically sent another text.

 **Dean? Please talk to me. Tell me what'** **s wrong.**

 **i hate him** _,_ came Dean’s reply, and Castiel breathed a sigh of relief.

**Your father?**

**yeah**

**What happened?** Castiel texted back, and Dean’s reply came in a sequence of messages, one after the other.

**he took me and sam shopping for gifts and kept saying we should get something nice for mom**

**like it wasn** **’** **t his fault she** **’** **s like this**

**and everything he pointed to was expensive and he thought we were being cheap**

**then he made fun of our gift cards**

**i can** **’** **t believe i missed him**

**but you know what the worst part was?**

Castiel swallowed, afraid to ask, but he texted, **What?**

It was several minutes before Dean responded, and Castiel’s heart ached as he waited.

**he asked me to move back with him because he could use another hearing person at his garage**

Castiel read the heartbreak in that simple message and felt a swell of fury against John Winchester for so perfectly undermining Dean’s value as a person. That was not how a father should treat his son.

Castiel was pondering a reply when the phone vibrated again.

 **i know it** **’** **s late and you** **’** **ve got work tomorrow but can I come over? i'** **m afraid i'** **m going to go to a bar and i promised my mom i** **’** **d cut back on drinking**

Castiel’s heart leapt into his throat.

 **Of course** , he texted Dean, giving him the address to their apartment complex. Castiel scurried around, hastily cleaning up the apartment, and when Dean appeared fifteen minutes later, his face was haggard but a small smile tugged his lips at the sight of Castiel in his fluffy pajamas.

 _“_ _Where are your bunny slippers?_ _”_ Dean signed wryly.

 _“_ _I was saving them for you,_ _”_ Castiel signed back, and Dean grinned, laughing when Castiel signed seriously, _“_ _I mean it. They_ _’_ _re soft and warm and I thought you_ _’_ _d like them._ _”_ He disappeared into his room and came out with an actual pair of blue bunny slippers in his hands, which caused Dean to double over in laughter.

Castiel had never been so grateful for Gabriel’s sense of humor.

Dean grabbed them and signed in surprise, _“_ _Wow, they are soft._ _”_

Castiel nodded and then brought his fingers to his lips. _“_ _Make sure you_ _’_ _re quiet, because Anna_ _’_ _s sleeping._ _”_ He indicated her closed door, and Dean made a face.

 _“_ _Yeah, I remember._ _”_

Castiel’s eyes widened. _“_ _Wait you did it HERE?_ _”_

Dean failed to suppress his snort. _“_ _Yup._ _”_

 _“_ _Was I HOME?_ _”_

Dean shrugged. _“_ _Maybe? I was a little drunk. But I_ _’_ _ve got sneaky ninja skills so even if you were you wouldn_ _’_ _t have noticed._ _”_

 _“_ _The one time I_ _’_ _m thankful for being deaf,_ _”_ Castiel signed, grinning as Dean chuckled.

They lapsed into silence, and Castiel watched Dean grow crestfallen again. He grabbed Dean’s hand and pulled him to the couch in their living room/kitchen area.

 _“_ _Want to watch a movie?_ _”_

Dean nodded. _“_ _Got anything good?_ _”_

Castiel grimaced, embarrassed. _“_ _Actually, no. I usually just stream them from online. I don_ _’_ _t think we own any_ _…”_

 _“_ _Then why_ _’_ _d you ask?_ _”_ Dean asked, and Castiel shrugged before Dean added, _“_ _Lucky for you, I come prepared. I_ _’_ _ve got a bunch of DVDs in my car. You up for Raiders of the Lost Ark?_ _”_

 _“_ _Indiana Jones? Never seen it._ _”_

Dean stared at him, his eyes comically big. _“_ _Yeah, we_ _’_ _re watching it. I_ _’_ _ll be right back._ _”_

He exited out the door and Castiel was left gazing after him, wondering what was going on. Dean had brought movies on purpose, like he had expected (or hoped) Castiel would let him visit. Had Castiel been his first choice, or had Dean been turned down by both Charlie and Benny?

Dean reappeared with a bulging DVD case in his arms, and flipping it open, he pulled out the Indiana Jones DVD and popped it into the DVD player, choosing the English closed captions. They sank onto the couch, sagging into the worn cushions, and unlike previous times watching shows or movies together, Dean purposely sat closer to Castiel, so they were barely an inch apart but still not touching. Castiel puzzled over that, noting how close their hands were. It would take no effort at all for him to grab Dean’s hand, but…no, he couldn’t do that. Dean wanted a pleasant, comfortable distraction from reality. Castiel wouldn’t force this on him.

Which was why ten minutes later, Castiel jumped at the sensation of his thigh being touched. He glanced down to see that Dean’s hand had drifted, and his fingers were idly stroking the soft fabric of Castiel’s pajamas. Dean’s hand stopped the moment Castiel tensed, and their eyes locked. For one heart-stopping moment, Castiel thought Dean was going to kiss him, but then the Winchester withdrew his hand and blushed.

 _“_ _Sorry. They'r_ _e really soft._ _”_

Castiel couldn’t form words for a second, but then nodded dumbly. _“_ _Yes. That_ _’_ _s why I like them._ _”_

 _“_ _Right. I bet you_ _’_ _re more sensitive to touch,_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel watched the blush on his face deepen. _“_ _Sorry. I didn_ _’_ _t mean to say that._ _”_

 _“_ _No, it_ _’_ _s true,_ _”_ Castiel signed matter-of-factly, not wanting him to be embarrassed. Dean shot him a small, grateful smile.

 _“_ _That_ _’s_ _what I like about you, Cas. I feel like I can say anything to you._ _”_

Now Castiel’s face was warming, and he felt a lump in his throat. _“_ _Of course. That_ _’_ _s what friends are for._ _”_

The word ‘friends’ seemed to hang in the air for a moment, and Castiel sensed that Dean was drawing courage, preparing for some sort of confession. Castiel began to rouse his own, knowing that if Dean revealed his feelings, it was only fair that Castiel do the same.

But then Dean deflated and relaxed back into the couch, his eyes stubbornly trained on the TV. Castiel bit back his disappointment and copied Dean’s motions, focusing back on the movie. Castiel quickly became immersed in the story, though it felt a tad slow, and time was catching up to him. He felt himself nodding off about forty-five minutes in and tried to respectfully angle away from Dean’s body, but then a strong, warm arm was across his shoulders, tugging him close, and Castiel leaned against Dean’s side and closed his eyes, breathing him in deep.

Did Dean do this with all his friends?

For once, Castiel decided not to care.

Sometime later, Castiel drifted awake and realized he was still pressed against Dean, though this time, the Winchester’s head was lolled back and his mouth was parted in sleep. This was the latest they had ever hung out together, and Castiel felt his heart squeeze at how open and peaceful Dean looked. But as Castiel carefully tried to sit up without disturbing him, Dean’s eyelids fluttered and he scrunched his face, blearily opening his eyes and peering first at Castiel, and then at the TV, which had started rolling credits.

Carefully drawing back his arm, which made Castiel’s back feel cold, Dean signed lazily, _“_ _We missed the part where the Nazi_ _’_ _s face melts off._ _”_

 _“_ _Spoilers,_ _”_ Castiel signed back, but without much conviction. He glanced at Dean’s tired face, watching him yawn, and hesitantly signed, _“_ _Did you want to spend the night?_ _”_

Dean’s eyes widened slightly as he blushed. _“_ _No, it_ _’_ _s fine. It_ _’_ _s not far._ _”_

Castiel nodded. _“_ _Okay. Do you want coffee or anything?_ _”_

 _“_ _No, I think I'_ _ll be fine._ _”_

They stood up, and Castiel smiled as Dean removed his bunny slippers and replaced them with his boots, which he had left near the door. When he straightened, pulling on his jacket, Castiel signed at him.

 _“_ _Text me when you_ _’_ _re home._ _”_

Dean grinned at that, and Castiel made a face as he hurried back to the DVD player to retrieve Dean’s movie.

 _“_ _No, hang onto it,_ _”_ Dean signed. _“_ _You have to see the whole thing. It_ _’_ _s awesome._ _”_

 _“_ _Will you come over to watch it with me?_ _”_ Castiel asked, and Dean winced.

 _“_ _If I have time. You might have to finish it on your own._ _”_

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _ll wait for you,_ _”_ Castiel insisted, stifling his own yawn. _“_ _Maybe around Christmas? I have to give you and your family our gifts anyways._ _”_

 _“_ _Cas, you didn_ _’_ _t need to get us anything,_ _”_ Dean signed with a frown.

 _“_ _I wanted to._ _”_

Dean rolled his eyes, but appeared to be too exhausted to argue. He left with a vague promise to text plans for when they would next get together, and Castiel fell into his bed that night with his mind spinning. 

* * *

 Christmas had never been a holiday Castiel was invested in, though that was true for most – if not _all_ – holidays. At least with Thanksgiving, his siblings had opted to have quiet meals with their own friends and loved ones where they lived.

But Christmas? There was no doubt the family was getting together.

Back when their mother was alive, Christmas had been her favorite holiday. She went all out every year with decorations, getting them all to participate, and she insisted they attend mass. They had been very religious, and as a child, Castiel remembered the reverence surrounding Christmas, the quiet awe and anticipation whenever he passed lit-up scenes of The Manger. He had enjoyed the festive spirit as well, the louder side of the holiday, with carols blasting from every store and bells ringing in the streets. People always seemed more cheerful in their scurrying, more spring to their steps, and Castiel had basked in it, excited every year.

But then he got sick, and then his mother did, too. And then one day voices faded, as did the life in his mother’s eyes, and Christmas seemed a whole lot emptier.

Now, as Castiel helped Anna sparsely decorate their apartment, he felt the urge to curl up and sleep until the holiday was over. He supposed he should’ve been grateful that his brothers were sparing Castiel and Anna the hassle of traveling by coming their way again, but that meant dealing with them, and Castiel was just bracing himself for Michael’s explosion.

Michael’s emails were incessant. Each one bore attachments of brochures, links to information, success stories on Youtube, and a million other things. Part of Castiel knew he was acting childish by ignoring Michael, but the other part, the part that had clung to him since he became deaf, was vindictively pleased. Sure, Michael was trying to help, but the fact was, Castiel didn’t need help. He was figuring it out. He _would_ figure it out. Eventually.

And why was it that Michael was picking on _him_ again? It wasn’t like Anna was in a stellar career. She had recently gotten promoted to supervisor at the boutique she worked at, and although she liked the authority and mostly didn’t mind the job, she had made it clear to Castiel that she wasn’t completely satisfied, and was actually thinking of returning to school.

Castiel had been surprised when she first mentioned it, as, on a whim, she had signed up for a self-defense course at the dojo where Mary Winchester worked, and the two had gotten together at a café after the session to chit-chat. Apparently, they had made their post-session discussions a weekly event, and Castiel was glad that Anna had made a friend in Mary.

It was during one of these discussions that Mary convinced Anna that it was never too late to start another career, and Anna had been heartened enough to begin researching. Castiel had no idea if she had informed Michael yet, and he hoped, selfishly, that Anna might come to bear the brunt of his eldest brother’s ‘good intentions,’ at least until Castiel sorted himself out. He just needed more time.

Which he would have once Christmas was over. For now, he needed to get gifts for everyone. He had already procrastinated enough, and he didn’t have much time left. Castiel had never been a good gift-giver, mostly because he didn’t _know_ many people well enough, but this year he just went with the easiest option – books. Since he shelved them constantly, certain titles had caught his eye, and he had thankfully made mental notes to buy them later. Now, he had one for each person that mattered.

First, there was Michael. Castiel almost (spitefully) chose a book on learning sign language, but went instead with an economic bestseller, where the man on the cover smiled and said he knew all the answers to making money.

For Lucifer, Castiel found a set of graphic memoirs on the Vietnam War. His brother had always been fascinated by that kind of real-life violence, which Castiel decided not to think too hard about.

Gabriel was easy. Shelving cookbooks inspired Castiel to get his brother a do-it-yourself guide to handcrafted candy and other confections. If Castiel knew anything about Gabriel, it was that he had a ridiculous sweet tooth, and devoted far too much time to getting cavities.

Anna was also easy. Like Castiel, she was a writer, though she gravitated more toward news and journalistic writing. Castiel bought her two books – one by a famous woman journalist for inspiration, and another on journalism careers, which was packed with advice.

To Balthazar in California, he shipped one of the very popular romance novels he was constantly shelving. It was partially as a joke, but also somewhat serious, as he knew Balthazar secretly loved ‘trashy’ novels.

The Winchesters were next. Castiel teamed up with Anna to purchase Mary a spa day, and then Castiel figured on books for the brothers. For Sam, Castiel chose a book on obscure laws and interesting tidbits on the history of law, which Sam had recently expressed an interest in pursuing. Dean’s gift was a huge photography book of old-fashioned cars, including his precious ’67 Chevy Impala, which he referred to as his ‘baby.’

At the end of his shopping, Castiel wasn’t completely satisfied, but he wasn’t sure he could do much better. Still, he amused himself thinking about all of the reactions he would get, and hoped Dean, especially, would appreciate his gift. It had taken Castiel a long time to settle on just that one book, unsure if he should hint that they could be something _more_ with a personalized gift or something special, like the beautiful necklace Inias had bought Anna for Christmas. But Castiel had quickly opted out of that idea, certainly not out of cowardice, but out of regard for Dean and not wanting to push him.

As for Inias and Anna, the two were in their honeymoon phase, and it was as  much adorable as it was puke-worthy. Castiel had met Inias the other night, and had been surprised to like him instantly despite the fact that they couldn’t communicate, as Inias didn’t know sign language, and Castiel had told Anna she didn’t need to interpret for them. She had flashed him a smile and spent the night blushing and giggling under Inias’s adoring gaze, and Castiel had just looked on, overwhelmed with happiness for his sister even as his chest clenched with a feeling he identified as envy. It was stupid, because he _was_ overjoyed that Anna had found someone, he truly was. He just couldn’t help but want it for himself, and boy, didn’t that make him sound like a greedy bastard.


	9. Chapter 9

It was the weekend before Christmas, and Castiel had come home from work to find Inias and Anna snuggling on the couch, engaged in a deep discussion. Castiel wondered if they would’ve invited him to join in if he could hear, but as it was, he retreated to his room to give them privacy. His stomach rumbled, and he dreaded emerging, not wanting to make it awkward for Anna, when suddenly his phone buzzed in his pocket.

**got time off. dinner?**

Castiel stared at the text, his eyes wide.  

 **we could finish indy after** , came a second text immediately after the first.

Castiel’s heart pounded.

 **Where?** he texted back.

**roadhouse. ellen** **’** **s ending my shift early and said i could get free dinner. u in?**

Castiel sucked in a deep breath. **Sure. When?**

 **now?** came Dean’s immediate reply.

Castiel glanced down at himself and grimaced. He was wearing _sweatpants_ and a ratty t-shirt and oh god, what was he _thinking_? Flinging back the chair from his desk, Castiel ripped off his clothes and tore through his drawers and closet, stopping only when he realized he hadn’t responded to Dean yet.

**Sure! Be there in ten.**

Well, that was cutting it close, wasn’t it? Castiel pulled on some nice jeans and an argyle sweater, then shucked it off to try a polo. When that didn’t work, he grabbed a plain black t-shirt and threw on a blazer over it. Glancing at himself in the mirror, he winced, trying to flatten his hair. Sure, he had gone to work like this, but this was different, this was dinner with _Dean_ , this was…

Nothing. It was nothing. This wasn’t a date.

 _Not a date, not a date, not a date,_ Castiel repeated in his head as he flew out of his bedroom, making vague motions at the door for his sister’s baffled amusement before charging out, nearly forgetting his keys. The drive to the Roadhouse didn’t take long, but Castiel felt each second like a hundred years, not wanting to be late and wishing he had said fifteen minutes instead of ten.

But when he got there, he looked at his phone and saw that he was right on time. Standing breathlessly in the doorway of the small joint, Castiel immediately shrank at the unfamiliar sight. The place was seedier than he expected, and there were several members of what looked like a biker gang in the back corner, bent over a poker table. Other grisly men and a few scantily clad women were scattered throughout, laughing over beers, and Castiel jumped when a short man in a mullet clapped a hand on his shoulder, hard. The man was clearly drunk, and Castiel cringed away from him, hating the smell of alcohol on his breath. Then Dean appeared, laughing at the man and gently steering him away.

 _“_ _That was Ash. Sorry, he gets friendly when he_ _’_ _s drunk._ _”_

 _“_ _You work here?_ _”_

Dean frowned. _“_ _Yeah, you got a problem?_ _”_

Castiel saw people side-eyeing them, obviously not used to witnessing sign language.

 _“_ _No, I just didn_ _’_ _t expect_ _…_ _this._ _”_ He gestured to the place, and must’ve made a face because Dean’s body tightened.

 _“_ _I invited you here. If you want to leave, be my guest._ _”_ He turned his back on Castiel and sauntered to the bar, depositing himself on a barstool and grinning at a matronly woman behind the counter, who was wiping off wine glasses. She shot Castiel a curious look and then chatted with Dean, leaving Castiel standing dumbfounded and feeling incredibly out of place.

Dialing back his discomfort, Castiel slid into the seat next to Dean.

 _“_ _Sorry,_ _”_ he signed. _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t think you_ _…”_

 _“_ _Didn_ _’_ _t think I what?_ _”_ Dean snapped.

 _“_ _No, never mind._ _”_ Castiel glanced away. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m sorry. You seem_ _…_ _upset about something._ _”_

Dean let out a sigh as he closed his eyes and hung his head. _“_ _Sorry. Just tired._ _”_

 _“_ _Should we do this another time then?_ _”_

 _“_ _This?_ _”_

Castiel swallowed. _“_ _Dinner?_ _”_

Dean made a face, a strange emotion flitting across his eyes before Castiel could pin it.

 _“_ _Yeah. Okay. I can get it to go. Do you still want to watch Indiana Jones?_ _”_

When Dean failed to stifle a yawn, Castiel smirked. _“_ _Will you be able to stay awake?_ _”_

All of a sudden, Dean scowled fiercely and turned to flip off someone behind them who was apparently yelling something. Castiel watched Dean mouth off with a pot-bellied trucker, alarmed at how quickly it was escalating. A moment later he surged forward, gripping Dean tightly by the shoulder to stop him from lunging at the man. Dean viciously shrugged off his hand, barking at the woman behind the counter when she yelled something, too. Then a younger blonde appeared with a Styrofoam box in her hand, which she shoved at Dean, pointing to the door. Castiel sighed as he grabbed Dean’s hand and tugged. They stumbled into the parking lot, Dean clutching the container, and when they arrived at Dean’s car, he set it down on the hood and shoved Castiel backward.

 _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t need you to rescue me!_ _”_

Castiel’s eyes flashed. _“_ _You were about to get into a brawl! I didn_ _’_ _t want you getting hurt!_ _”_

 _“_ _It'_ _s not my first bar brawl, and it won_ _’_ _t be my last!_ _”_

Castiel stared at him, aghast. _“_ _Where is this even coming from?_ _”_

 _“_ _This is who I am, Cas! These are my people, okay? If you can_ _’_ _t deal with that, then leave!_ _”_

 _“_ _What are you talking about? You_ _’_ _re _ _the one who invited me! And sorry if I_ _’_ _m not one of your people but I don_ _’_ _t think you should be acting like this. You'_ _re better than that._ _”_

 _“_ _Am I, Cas? Am I?_ _”_ Dean demanded, getting up in his face so it was almost impossible to see him sign. As their eyes locked, Castiel saw desperation and pain, and something clicked.

 _“_ _Your father_ _’_ _s still here, isn_ _’_ _t he?_ _”_ he signed carefully as he put some distance between them, and Dean’s eyes shuttered closed as he nodded miserably.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m so tired. All I want to do is watch stupid crap with you but he keeps popping up._ _”_ He swallowed, scratching at the back of his neck. _“_ _I missed you._ _”_

 _“_ _I missed you, too._ _”_

They stood for a moment, shifting and staring at the ground, and then they gazed at each other, smiling shyly.

 _“_ _Guess I should_ _’_ _ve warned you about The Roadhouse. Here you are, dressed like a fancy prep kid,_ _”_ Dean signed, smirking at Castiel’s outfit.

Castiel shook his head. _“_ _I can_ _’_ _t believe you work somewhere like this. Isn_ _’_ _t it dangerous?_ _”_

Dean shrugged. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t mind it. Ellen_ _’_ _s great, and her daughter Jo is, too. And most of the people that show up are fine. Some get too drunk and whatever, but it_ _’_ _s a good job. Pays really well for something I got short notice._ _”_

 _“_ _Jo was the blonde woman at the end?_ _”_

Dean nodded. _“_ _Yeah. Why?_ _”_

Castiel waved his hand, annoyed at the churning in his gut. It was natural for Dean to enjoy his time with other hearing people, even…attractive ones. He abruptly recalled the brunette from the library and inhaled a bracing breath. _“_ _Nothing, nothing. She seems_ _…_ _nice._ _”_

 _“_ _Nice?_ _”_ Dean let out a burst of laughter. _“_ _You don_ _’_ _t know her at all! She_ _’_ _s got a temper to match her mom_ _’_ _s. And believe me, it_ _’_ _s pretty terrifying._ _”_

Castiel smirked. _“_ _Perhaps you should invest in some of your mother_ _’_ _s self-defense classes._ _”_  

 _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t think that would help,_ _”_ Dean signed with an exaggerated expression that caused Castiel to huff in amusement. They both eyed their feet as silence descended.

 _“_ _What should we do now?_ _”_ Castiel asked, adding, _“_ _My sister has her boyfriend over so we can_ _’_ _t go back to my place. I did bring the movie though, if we wanted to go back to your house._ _”_

Dean grimaced. _“_ _My dad_ _’_ _s at my house right now. Part of the reason Ellen let me off early. She wants me to talk to him, but obviously I_ _’_ _d rather punch a guy in the face than see him._ _”_

Castiel fought to conceal his smile, knowing it wasn’t funny, but then they were both cracking up.

When they recovered, Castiel was struck with a thought.

 _“_ _I have an idea,_ _”_ he signed.

His idea ended up leading them to the mall in Castiel’s crappy car, as Dean wanted to chow down without worrying about driving, and no way would he risk crumbs in his baby. Dean had finished wolfing down his burger by the time Castiel parked, and then they wandered inside, browsing through shops and peeking in store windows. It was a favorite habit of Castiel’s, to just let his feet carry him wherever while his eyes roamed around, soaking up the myriad images of people just being people. No one had ever bothered him here if he didn’t bother them, so he equated the mall to a place of peace, like the Biography section of the library. Here, he was just a man strolling through a wide space filled with others doing the exact same thing.

Only, this time he was with Dean, and Castiel immediately found it better than being alone. With Dean, Castiel could pose like mannequins and make Dean burst into laughter, his whole face lit up. With Dean, they could split up to find the stupidest As-Seen-On-TV product and then show it to each other to see whose was worst. With Dean, they could laugh and joke and make fun of people right in front of them in sign language, which had garnered them many stares, but had left Castiel completely uncaring for once. With Dean, the mall didn’t seem quite so huge or cold, and Castiel fought the impulse to hold Dean’s hand as they strolled down the main thoroughfare to the food court.

While Castiel settled for a sandwich, Dean chose fast food pizza as a second dinner, and they munched away at a two-person table that made it feel like a date, though Castiel adamantly reminded himself that it wasn’t.

 _“_ _This is better,_ _”_ Dean signed after putting down his pepperoni slice.

 _“_ _This?_ _”_

 _“_ _Dinner,_ _”_ he signed with a smile, and a warm flush spread from the root of Castiel’s hair to the tips of his toes. His heart started pounding as Dean kept staring at him, his face soft and open, and Castiel wondered if Dean was going to kiss him. But Dean just ducked his head and signed with a sigh, _“_ _Thanks, Cas._ _”_

 _“_ _For what?_ _”_

 _“_ _For putting up with me._ _”_

 _“_ _Of course,_ _”_ Castiel signed immediately, waiting until Dean had met his eyes. _“_ _And don_ _’_ _t let your dad get you down. He doesn_ _’_ _t seem to have your best interests in mind._ _”_

Dean snorted, rolling his eyes, but there wasn’t humor in the gesture. _“_ _Yeah, I know. I just wish_ _…_ _he_ _’_ _d go away and stay away. Far away. Leave me and Sam and Mom alone._ _”_ He shook his head. _“_ _But he insisted on visiting for Christmas and I_ _’_ _m sure Mom_ _’_ _s all upset and probably throwing plates at him again._ _”_ His shoulders slumped. _“_ _And then he_ _’_ _ll leave and who_ _’_ _ll be left the pick up the pieces again?_ _”_

 _“_ _You don_ _’_ _t have to take it all on by yourself._ _”_

 _“_ _Yeah? And who else is going to do it? Sam'_ _s got school, and it's_ _not like I_ _’_ _m working up to anything special. They need me._ _”_

 _“_ _They need you to be happy and healthy. Working so many hours is not good for you._ _”_

Dean refused to look at him. _“_ _It_ _’_ _s good when we can pay our bills and not get kicked out of the house._ _”_

Castiel shot him a knowing look. _“_ _Your mom wouldn_ _’_ _t let it get that bad. You_ _’_ _re exaggerating._ _”_

Dean’s body had grown stiff again, and at Castiel’s words, he released the tension in his shoulders and sagged forward, scrubbing at his face.

 _“_ _Can this never end? I don_ _’_ _t want to go home yet._ _”_

Castiel smiled. _“_ _Unfortunately the mall closes at 10._ _”_ He glanced at his phone. _“_ _We have an hour._ _”_ He hesitated. _“_ _You could stay at my place if you want? I can text Anna and see if her boyfriend is still over. If not, you_ _’_ _re free to the couch._ _”_

 _“_ _Thanks, but I really should get home or my family will know I_ _’_ _m avoiding them. I_ _’_ _m sure my mom knows Ellen let me out early._ _”_ Dean paused for a moment, and then his hand was snaking across the table and his fingers were twining in Castiel’s. Castiel’s breath hitched as Dean squeezed, signing an awkward thank you with his left hand. Castiel was too distracted to say anything back and Dean smirked, obviously aware of the effect he was having. He withdrew his hand and Castiel felt the slide of Dean’s calloused skin on his own before the warmth was gone.

 _“_ _Want to hit the video game store? Bet I could beat you in the test version of Zelda._ _”_

Castiel grinned. _“_ _You_ _’_ _re on._ _”_


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks to Castiel’s visit to The Roadhouse, he was inspired to attempt a new strategy to survive Christmas. It was called ‘stay buzzed until everything is funny,’ and Castiel employed it with cheap wine and absolute apathy. His head was already swimming when his brothers showed up – without their significant others, as this was a special family occasion – and though Anna had initially made a disappointed face at him, she had quickly changed her mind when he shared his booze. Together, they greeted their brothers with flushed faces and slightly glazed eyes.

Castiel didn’t know why he hadn’t done this before. Alcohol made his brothers tolerable – heck, even Michael’s and Lucifer’s bickering didn’t grate on him like it used to, and Gabriel, instead of being annoying, seemed downright hilarious. Everything was smoother, and though Michael’s disapproval was clear by his taut expression, Castiel could only smirk and try, badly, to hide his laughter at the whole situation. At one point, Michael started railing into Anna, blaming her for Castiel’s situation, but she was so gone that she just cackled. Castiel cracked up watching her, and then they were settling down to dinner and Gabriel was laughing as Castiel and Anna sloppily signed back and forth. In Anna’s case, she was filling Castiel in on their brothers’ stupid argument, and Castiel was amused at how she interpreted what they said, making faces and adding her own commentary. It was enough to get him through the meal they had ordered from a nearby restaurant and picked up the day before.

It was when they were opening presents that Castiel was forcibly sobered, because when he opened his card from Michael, his eyes popped out of his head.

 _“_ _What does it say?_ _”_ Anna signed at him as he stared into the card he had opened.

Inside was a check for $40,000, the cost of the latest, greatest cochlear implant, and Castiel was beside himself. On the one hand, he was shockingly humbled by the sheer amount of money Michael was giving him – it was several times what he made in a year, both his jobs combined.

But on the other hand, this was Michael’s way of taking control again, of making Castiel’s decision for him. Castiel was tempted to rip up the check, but all he did was hold it in his trembling hands, not sure if he was shaking from rage or from the alcohol in his system. Wordlessly, he handed the check over to Anna, whose eyes bugged comically as she read it. She turned to Michael, her eyebrows furrowing, and Castiel withdrew into himself, his face pinching as his head ached. He rubbed his temples wearily, not caring that his brother was scribbling furiously in a notebook, hoping to explain himself. Abruptly, Castiel stood up and went to his room, closing and locking the door behind him.

But that wasn’t enough.

He flung the door open again, meeting the startled gazes of his siblings. His head was throbbing, and he was taken aback when Lucifer was the one to stand up and yell at him. Castiel distinctly read the words ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ on his brother’s lips, and he reeled backward, unsure how to answer that question. What _was_ wrong with him? Here Michael was, throwing money at him while Castiel was throwing a tantrum. What was _wrong_ with him?

But that was it, wasn’t it?                              

 _Nothing_ was wrong with him. So he was deaf. That didn’t mean he was _broken_ , that he needed to bie _fixed_. What if Castiel was happy with the way he was?

Castiel clutched at his head, his eyes snapping up when a pillow connected with his shin. Yanking if off the ground, Castiel glared at Lucifer, who was holding another one threateningly. Lucifer pointed at Michael, and Castiel couldn’t exactly understand his words, but he got that Lucifer was furious on Michael’s behalf, and wanted Castiel to thank his brother and show him some respect. Gabriel stood to calmly weasel the pillow out of Lucifer’s hands, and then Anna was standing, too, trying to pacify him, and in the middle of it all Michael hadn’t moved, his eyes boring into Castiel’s, glinting with frustration.

Castiel turned and stomped back to his room, gathering his trench coat, keys, and cell phone. Without a word, he left the apartment, settling into his car and starting the ignition. It was Christmas Day. Nothing was open. He couldn’t go to the mall to calm down, and he couldn’t bother the Winchesters, since he didn’t want to interrupt their holiday. Castiel smirked. He supposed he could go to a Chinese food restaurant, though that wasn’t appealing at the moment, and he didn’t feel like running, especially now that he had exited so dramatically and would have to go back inside to change into exercise gear.

With a sigh, Castiel stepped on the gas and reversed out of the lot, letting his mind wander as he just drove, not really sure where he was going until he recognized the roads he was traveling. Suddenly, his heart turned heavy and he gripped the steering wheel tightly, so distracted that he accidentally blew through a red light. Thankfully, no one was coming, but a few minutes later, there were flashing lights in his rear-view mirror, and Castiel banged his head back against the headrest as he pulled over. Of course this would happen. It was just _perfect_. He knew the cop was just doing her job, but really, on _Christmas_?  Why was it that cops patrolled most diligently on holidays? Did they really love being killjoys that much?

Having never been pulled over before, Castiel went with how it appeared in popular culture, pulling out his registration from the glove compartment and his license from his wallet. The cop who tapped on his window was a middle-aged white woman, and as Castiel rolled down the window, Castiel pointed to his ears and signed, making it obvious he was deaf. The cop frowned, looking somewhat wary as she flipped her notebook to a blank page and wrote sloppily, **Where you headed?**

Castiel grabbed his own notebook and wrote, **Lester Cemetery.** He paused, his shoulders slumping. **I** **’** **m sorry I went through the red light. I was distracted.**

The cop stared at him thoughtfully after she read what Castiel wrote, and then scribbled on her pad.

**Holidays can be tough. Why do you think I** **’** **m working right now?**

Castiel smiled sadly at her. **I** **’** **m sorry** , he wrote, his gaze somewhat questioning as the cop wrote four words.

**My husband and son.**

Castiel swallowed. **My mother.**

The cop nodded and then clapped a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, squeezing briefly before pocketing her notepad. She pushed Castiel’s registration and license back at him when Castiel tried to hand them over, and then with a nod, the cop sauntered back to her squad car. Castiel felt pinpricks behind his eyes as the cop drove off, passing by with a quick wave.

The rest of the way to the cemetery, Castiel felt a flood building inside him, a wave of emotion that made his eyes burn and his chest ache. And it didn’t make sense, because his mother had been dead for so long that he had forgotten what she looked like, what she sounded like, how she smelled, how she felt.

As he parked and wandered through the freshly fallen snow, Castiel came to a stop and stared down at all that was left of his mother – a stone with her name carved into it, and a vapid phrase below that she was ‘resting with angels now.’ The words blurred in his vision and Castiel let tears fall, ignoring the incessant buzzing in his pocket.

Sometimes, when he was lucky, sense memories were triggered of her, but as he stood there, shivering in the cold, his pants and shoes wet from the snow still on the ground, all he could recall was how much she had loved him, the general feeling of warmth whenever she embraced him after he had been crying. He hadn’t been a very social child, going long periods of time without speaking, and with siblings far older than him, he had been lonely growing up, not finding a reason to talk anyways. He turned to books more than people, and as a result, he had been ostracized, even bullied when the students remembered he was there. Castiel had sensed, even as a child, that something was different about him, something was wrong in the way the teachers eyed him with pity, the way doctors kept trying to get him to open up.

And then, all of a sudden, he stopped going to see doctors and Castiel was no longer bothered. He didn’t know why until his mother sat down with him one night, trailing her warm fingertips through his hair. He felt her heartbeat and his head rose and fell with the rhythm of her breath as she told him she was sorry, that it was okay that he was quiet. He didn’t need to talk if he didn’t want to, and she wouldn’t try forcing him anymore.

She told him she loved him just the way he was.

Castiel had wrapped his small arms around her, squeezing with all his might, never imagining that her steady presence in his life would cease, that fate would take his hearing in a cruel coincidence.

They had been halfway to moving here so Castiel could have a chance at a Deaf school when she fell sick, and by the time she was gone, they had settled in a small house that never felt right. Michael and Lucifer split their time at the house and in the city, shouldering the family’s debt and trying to find work. Gabriel disappeared at some point, and when Castiel was old enough, they sold the house and he and Anna moved into their apartment, both of them seeking independence and escape from the oppressive home that had never been theirs.

Now, as Castiel traced the name carved into his mother’s gravestone, his fingers frozen in the frigid air, he wished he had been older when she died, or at the very least, less distracted by his own problems. Maybe then he could’ve saved more of her things, more of the sentimental trinkets Michael and Lucifer had carelessly tossed to save on moving expenses.

Sometimes, Castiel selfishly felt like he had been the only one who really loved her, who really missed her.

The sun was starting its descent when Castiel sensed a presence behind him. He turned to see his siblings approaching, comically hunched in their winter clothes. Anna surged forward to pull a hat over Castiel’s ears and wrap a scarf around his neck, and as she did so, he realized just how cold he was. He shivered and she drew him to her chest as she was flanked by their elder brothers, all traces of argument gone in their unusually somber expressions. Castiel watched Michael and Lucifer exchange a sad look, and was shocked when his eldest brother crouched in front of their mother’s grave and put his chin to his chest, his eyes closed. With a start, Castiel realized Michael was praying, as he clasped his hands and mouthed words, his face calm. Lucifer and Gabriel bent their heads in acknowledgment, and as Anna did the same, Castiel let his head fall, too, imagining the words Michael was offering to their mother. An apology, perhaps? After all, how long had it been since Michael had last visited her?

They all took turns kneeling before her grave, all except Castiel, who had already had his moment. When it was Anna’s turn, Gabriel took her place beside Castiel and pulled him into a one-armed embrace, squeezing hard. Castiel felt the pinpricks again and couldn’t hold the tears back any longer, embarrassed as he wet his brother’s shoulder. But when Anna stood, her eyes were watery as they locked with his.

 _“_ _I had a feeling you would be here,_ _”_ she signed, answering Castiel’s unspoken question. Castiel reached out a hand and gripped hers, feeling her squeeze even through the gloves she wore.

They lingered there in the cemetery for several moments, none of them speaking, their breaths puffing in the air. Castiel wondered if his siblings were tuned in to the absolute silence of the moment, if there really was anything worth hearing as they stood before their mother’s grave.

For one shining moment, Castiel felt like he _belonged_.           

* * *

 

The impromptu visit to the cemetery, if anything, lessened their aggression toward each other, though it did nothing to dissuade his brother’s stubbornness. No matter how many times Castiel insisted that he didn’t want Michael’s money, Michael refused to take it back, and Lucifer shot Castiel a glare every time he tried to communicate this. Anna interpreted for them even as she played the role of mediator, and by the time his elder brothers packed up to leave, Castiel had been forced to compromise that he would ‘at least think about it.’ At the doorway, he was surprised when, just before trotting after Michael and Lucifer, Gabriel paused to properly embrace him.

Since the cemetery, Gabriel had been subdued and thoughtful, and Castiel wasn’t sure if he was just playing trickster in disguise or what. But then Gabriel had made some comments on Castiel’s behalf, and for once, Castiel hesitantly felt understood.

With Michael, Castiel could explain his feelings till he was blue in the face, going over and over the frustrating maintenance and rehabilitation involved with cochlear implants, the lack of guarantees that he would be able to hear anything more than dull thuds, but his brother wouldn’t listen. Even if Castiel threw in his more personal arguments, Michael just wouldn’t _get_ it. And while they might’ve reached some sort of truce by the end, Castiel doubted he and Michael would ever see eye-to-eye.

But with Gabriel…maybe something else was happening. Castiel chose not to dwell on it as he accepted his brother’s hug and bid him goodbye.


	11. Chapter 11

When the door closed behind his brothers, Castiel felt more lighthearted than before they had arrived, like a weight had been lifted from his chest. The smile on his face only grew the following day, as he and Anna made their way to the Winchester’s to have one final Christmas celebration. They were all overstuffed with food when they rolled themselves into the den to open gifts, and Castiel felt his cheeks flame, now unsure that he wanted to see their reactions, as he was certain his presents were terrible and he should’ve gotten them something better.

But Sam was delighted, and Dean’s face lit up as he perused his book, his eyes catching on certain pages as he scanned through the pictures. Mary held the spa gift certificate to her chest, tears in her eyes as she expressed her heartfelt thanks, and then Castiel and Anna were opening their gifts in exchange.

They had, of course, insisted that they didn’t need anything, especially since the Winchesters were providing the food again, but knowing this family, they were too stubborn to accept that. The result was that both Anna and Castiel received coupons for free sessions at Mary’s dojo, and Dean gave them a handwritten note stating that if they had ever had problems with their cars, they could bring them to the house or his garage and he’d fix them pro bono. Sam sheepishly rubbed the back of his head as he passed over his gifts, a Sci-Fi novel for Castiel, and a framed piece of art for Anna. Castiel bent to inspect it and saw that it was a small copy of Van Gogh’s _Starry Night_ , and it looked like some of the paint was reflective.

 _“_ _I saw it at a tag sale and remembered you mentioning it once,_ _”_ he signed, and Anna smiled at him.

 _“_ _Thank you. That'_ _s so thoughtful of you._ _”_

Compared to the money and various household appliances they had gotten from their brothers – seriously, Lucifer had bought them a Keurig machine – the Winchester’s gifts were personal, and Castiel felt a swell of affection for what he was realizing was his adopted family.

After gifts, Castiel followed Dean as he led him to his room, apparently wanting to show Castiel something. Aside from opening presents, Dean had been unusually silent to Castiel all day. Every time Castiel had tried to talk with him, Dean had avoided his gaze, fidgeting with his hands like he wanted to speak, but something was stopping him.

Now, as they trod the stairs up to Dean’s room, Castiel squinted at Dean’s back, wondering if he should be worried. He reached out to latch onto Dean’s arm, gripping him by his shirt. Dean turned and met his eyes for only a second before he stared at the floor, his posture rigid.

 _“_ _Dean, are you okay?_ _”_

Dean nodded stiffly and jerked his head toward his room. Castiel trailed him hesitantly, his brows furrowed in concern.

In his room, Dean stood over his desk, eyeing a piece of paper. With a huge gulp of air, he grabbed it and shoved it at Castiel, who stumbled backward as he grabbed it. The paper was a printed email receipt of a dinner reservation to The Brewery, one of the nicer restaurants in town. It was for two guests for the Saturday after next, which was the third day of the New Year. Castiel glanced up when he sensed Dean’s anxiety, watching as the Winchester blushed.

 _“_ _Well?_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel cocked his head.

 _“_ _Is this for your mother?_ _”_ Castiel asked, perplexed, and Dean rolled his eyes.

 _“_ _No, it_ _’_ _s for us! If you want to._ _”_

Castiel blinked, nodding slowly. _“_ _Of course. Dinner would be great. I_ _’_ _ve only been to The Brewery a few times and it_ _’_ _s quite delicious._ _”_

Dean’s whole face scrunched up as he stared at Castiel, seemingly incredulous. He mimed smacking himself.

 _“_ _Cas, I'_ _m trying to ask you out._ _”_

Castiel’s heart stopped, or at least he swore it did. There was no way he had read those signs correctly, except Dean’s face was open, completely vulnerable, and the longer he stood there in silence, the more Dean seemed to shrink into himself.

 _“_ _I mean, we don't_ _have to_ _…_ _we can just be friends, but I'_ _m okay if we want to be something more. But no pressure, you don_ _’_ _t have to_ _—”_

Castiel grabbed his hands to stop him from signing, and Dean looked up with so much desperate hope in his eyes that Castiel felt his heart leap into his throat. He pulled away to respond.

 _“_ _I thought you_ _’_ _d never ask._ _”_

Dean’s smile split his face and then they were hugging and Castiel was literally swept off his feet. When he was back on the ground, Dean stood before him, still beaming, and Castiel felt the same dopey grin on his face. He had the feeling that it would never leave as long as Dean was there. Dean’s smile dimmed slightly as his eyes roved over Castiel’s face and settled on his lips, and Castiel’s grin became shy as he inhaled deeply and nodded. Then Dean was pressing his lips to Castiel’s, and it was as chaste as it could be, but Castiel felt fire zing to his gut.

Dean _wanted_ him. _Dean_ wanted _him_. If Castiel could sing, he would, because there was no other way to describe how badly his heart wanted to burst from his chest. Dean threaded his fingers in Castiel’s, and Castiel thrilled at the warmth. Casting shy grins at each other, they headed back downstairs and Castiel could’ve sworn he was floating and that his cheeks had to be burning from how hard his muscles were trying to suppress his smile.

Of course, who was he kidding? Walking into the room with their hands clasped made it obvious enough, and the room burst into smiles.

 _“_ _Finally!_ _”_ Sam signed at them, frowning when Dean flipped him off. Mary turned to chide him but there was no rebuke there – Castiel could tell from the delight on her face. Castiel felt the loss as Dean pulled away to reach for his guitar case, and when he glanced back to see Castiel staring at him, Dean made a face.

 _“_ _I hope you'_ _re not expecting me to write a song about you. That_ _’_ _s Taylor Swift level sap._ _”_

Castiel folded his arms in mock outrage. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m offended that you would not profess your undying love to me via song._ _”_ As he signed it, he felt himself blush at the word ‘love,’ knowing it was way too soon to even be thinking about it. Thankfully, no one else caught on, and Dean was strumming the guitar, apparently tuning it. Castiel watched Sam fiddle with his hearing aid, grimacing and causing the room to look at him as Castiel guessed it made some kind of noise.

 _“_ _Sorry,_ _”_ Sam signed, and Castiel was reminded why he had hated the hearing aids when he tried them out, and how glad he was when they didn’t work. Then again, he had an enormous check sitting on his desk for cochlear implants. He sighed internally. That just went to show how utterly ungrateful he was. He tried not to dwell on it as he focused on Dean, who was practically glowing as he sang. Castiel was suddenly struck with a desperate longing to _hear_ him, and at that thought, he froze.

What if he got the cochlear implants?

What if he got over a lifetime of (somewhat) misplaced anger and let Michael help him?

What if he could _hear_ again?

What if he could _speak_ again?

Castiel inhaled a huge breath and calmed his racing heart. He felt Anna’s eyes on him, her eyebrows creased in worry, and Castiel smiled to let her know he was fine. This was something he’d have to consider later. After all, he and Dean were _going out_ and that was way more important. He beamed at Dean, feeling bubbly at the thought that they were together, that they were more than friends, that they were _exactly_ what he had wanted for so long.

It was a pretty perfect Christmas.

* * *

The next few days, however, were a little less than perfect. Mostly because Castiel couldn’t see Dean at all, due to his work schedule. It felt like nothing had changed between them as they texted like normal, promising to see each other for New Year’s. The only difference was the flurry of giddiness and (manly) giggling whenever he woke up and remembered that Dean had asked him out. He couldn’t stop replaying the scene in his mind, and it made his insides all squirmy. It apparently also made him grin like a fool, as one of his co-workers at the library tapped him on the shoulder and presented him a note asking if he was okay. He assured her that he was and went back to shelving, unable to stop himself from smiling.

Ah, so _that_ _’_ _s_ what Disney meant by the word, ‘twitterpated.’

Anna made fun of him as well, but he could read the serious expression beneath her teasing, and felt even gooier inside that she was happy for him. He was pretty happy for himself, too, and when he lay on his bed, he stared at the ceiling and thought of all the things he and Dean could do now. He was definitely getting ahead of himself with some of those thoughts, but for the first time in a while, Castiel felt hopeful and _excited_ for his future. Michael be damned – Castiel didn’t need him. Look what he could do all by himself… _while_ he was Deaf! What a concept!

The next time Castiel saw Dean in person was New Year’s Eve, at the party he and Anna were hosting at their apartment. They had invited the Winchester trio, as well as any other guests they wanted to bring, and Castiel spent the days leading up to it meticulously cleaning and decorating the apartment. It hadn’t been long since they last tidied up the place, as their brothers had visited less than a week before, but Castiel was determined to make it spotless. As he tackled the grime on the bathroom tiles, Anna mopped the kitchen floor. Then, together, they went out shopping for snacks and party favors, buying several bottles of champagne, some ridiculous party poppers, and a few noise-makers that Anna assured him were plenty annoying enough.

When they unloaded the groceries in the kitchen, they got to work on chili, measuring spices and getting it going in the slow-cooker. Something about the preparations felt thrilling for once, and Castiel noticed that Anna was smiling as she threw in a can of black beans. He touched her arm and grinned at her.

 _“_ _You look happy,_ _”_ he signed, and her smile widened.

 _“_ _I am. I_ _’_ _m excited for tonight and things with Michael weren_ _’_ _t that bad and we got to visit Mom. I am happy._ _”_

Looking at his sister, Castiel felt a sudden swell of emotion in his chest. _“_ _Anna, I can_ _’_ _t thank you enough for looking out for me all this time. I know it hasn_ _’_ _t been easy._ _”_

Anna’s face softened even as she teased, _“_ _Definitely not easy. But worth it._ _”_ She grew serious. _“_ _Michael and Lucifer and Gabriel may not say it, but I will. I_ _’_ _m proud of you, Castiel. You_ _’_ _ve come a long way. I can_ _’_ _t imagine how difficult it was in the beginning, and I want you to know that no matter what, I_ _’_ _m here for you._ _”_

Castiel felt heat behind his eyes, and blinked fiercely. _“_ _Thank you. That means a lot. But I still have a long way to go. I_ _’_ _m still so selfish_ _…_ _And part of me can_ _’_ _t stop hating Michael for no reason._ _”_

 _“_ _Oh, I can think of a few reasons,_ _”_ Anna signed, her expression wry. _“_ _Now stop being so serious. You_ _’_ _re not allowed to grow up. You_ _’_ _re my baby brother forever._ _”_

She reached out to mockingly ruffle his hair, but Castiel darted out of the way, grinning. He felt pinpricks behind his eyes again, and swallowed hard.

 _“_ _Really, Anna, thank you for everything. I don_ _’_ _t know what I would_ _’_ _ve done without you._ _”_

Anna blinked her own watery eyes and pulled Castiel into a tight hug, rubbing his back like she used to when he was younger. She had never felt the same as Mom – she lacked the confidence in the gesture, at least at first. But after years of caring for him, of learning sign language and sending him off to school and waving from the doorway, of trying so hard to make their home feel like a home, Anna had become more than his sister. Castiel loved her more than anything.

Which was why Castiel felt brave, all of a sudden, brave, and wanting to fully express his gratitude to her. He opened his mouth when she turned to gather some avocados for the dip they were making. Inhaling a breath, he braced himself, trying to remember what the words sounded like.

“Anna,” he spoke, and her head snapped up. She stared at him, frowning, and he repeated it as she watched, her eyes widening. “Anna, thank you. I love you.” Then he was stumbling backward as she flung herself at him, squeezing tight. When she pulled back, Castiel bit his lip, staring at the ground as he signed.

 _“_ _I hope that came out right. Did it sound okay?_ _”_

Anna lifted his chin. _“_ _It sounded perfect,_ _”_ she signed. _“_ _You_ _sounded perfect._ _”_

 _“_ _But it was weird, right, like I have an accent? You could tell I was deaf, right? Tell me, honestly._ _”_

Anna stared at him seriously. _“_ _You haven_ _’_ _t spoken in fifteen years, and you can_ _’_ _t hear anymore, but I understood you well enough. So what if it was a little off?_ _”_

Castiel’s heart was beating fast. _“_ _Really?_ _”_

 _“_ _Really, I could understand you just fine,_ _”_ Anna signed, barely containing her joy. _“_ _So does this mean you_ _’_ _re going to try speaking again? Because we could get you a speech therapist and everything._ _”_

Castiel shifted awkwardly. _“_ _Yeah, I guess so. If you_ _…_ _want me to._ _”_

 _“_ _I want you to if you want to._ _”_

_“_ _But it would make you happy, right?_ _”_

Anna nodded tearfully, and that settled it.

“I’ll do it,” he spoke, his mouth feeling strange, like he was chewing something thick and rubbery. He grinned when Anna smiled, adding, “Merry Belated Christmas, Anna.” When Anna threw herself at him again, he rolled his eyes and pushed her away, signing, _“_ _Can we get back to the food now?_ _”_ Anna nodded, though her smile never dimmed.

Castiel wasn’t ready to test out his voice on the Winchesters yet when they arrived several hours later, Jess in tow, so he kept to signing, greeting them at the door and helping them inside. Anna had also invited Inias, and he stepped through the door only a few minutes after the Winchester party had settled into the hors d’oeuvres. Anna had put on some upbeat music, if Dean’s bobbing head was anything to go by, and Castiel felt … _weird_ approaching Dean, the word ‘boyfriend’ echoing in his head in a sort of impending way.

Dean looked equally spooked and grinned nervously. He waved and Castiel waved back, coming to stand beside Dean, gently nudging his shoulder and jerking his head toward his room. Dean quirked an eyebrow but followed as they went into Castiel’s room and sat on the edge of the bed. The room was small, with barely enough space for his bed to begin with, not to mention his desk and bureau. Both of their gazes darted around, focusing on anything but each other, though Castiel caught Dean’s smirk as he noticed the Dr. Sexy calendar hanging on the wall.

Castiel tapped his arm. _“_ _You like it? I told you I was a fan,_ _”_ he signed, and Dean grinned.

 _“_ _Like I could doubt it when you blew through what, five seasons in a week?_ _”_

Castiel shrugged. _“_ _He is very sexy._ _”_

 _“_ _Should I be jealous?_ _”_ Dean signed, but there was uncertainty in his expression, and Castiel frowned.

 _“_ _What_ _’_ _s wrong?_ _”_

Dean stared at the floor, picking idly at Castiel’s comforter as an uncomfortable silence descended. Finally, Castiel couldn’t stand it anymore and trapped Dean’s hands in his, causing Dean to raise his head and meet Castiel’s eyes. Castiel released Dean’s hands to sign.

 _“_ _Tell me what_ _’_ _s wrong._ _”_

Dean swallowed. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t want to screw this up,_ _”_ he signed finally, his shoulders slumping.

Castiel’s chest felt hollow, his elation seeping out of him. _“_ _Do you not want to go out with me?_ _”_

 _“_ _No!_ _”_ Dean signed hurriedly. _“_ _No! I do! I just_ _…_ _don_ _’_ _t know what I_ _’_ _m doing. I_ _’_ _ve never really done_ _…_ _this_ _before,_ _”_ he added, gesturing between the two of them. _“_ _And_ _…_ _not with another dude._ _”_

 _“_ _I know. Sam told me._ _”_

 _“_ _Sam told you? What? How does he know this stuff?_ _”_ Castiel couldn’t help but grin at Dean’s face. _“_ _What?_ _”_ Dean demanded.

 _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t you know that we Deaf people have superpowers? They_ _’_ _re called observation skills. We_ _’r_ _e especially handy with our eyes._ _”_

Dean slowly broke into a smile. _“_ _I could see that being sexy._ _”_

Castiel grinned back, hearkened at seeing the old Dean. He rolled his eyes dramatically. _“_ _Must you turn everything sexual?_ _”_

 _“_ _Says the dude who brought me to his bedroom. Sounds like the beginning of a porno to me._ _”_

Castiel snorted. _“_ _Complete with supportive onlookers?_ _”_ he signed, gesturing to the cracked door.

Dean shrugged. _“_ _If you_ _’_ _re into that, I guess so_ _…”_

Castiel punched him and Dean laughed, the tension dissolving until it was just them, Dean and Castiel, best friends. Except they were more than that now, and Castiel swallowed, wondering if they should kiss. Dean’s grin faded, his hand twitching, and Castiel agreed that that was a good starting point as he shyly entwined their fingers. They had been swept up with emotion the first time they had kissed, but without that swell… it was nice just holding hands. Only, how long were they supposed to hold them? Was Castiel supposed to squeeze and keep that pressure, or relax? If he let his muscles go too loose, their hands would break apart, but if he tightened the pressure, it would start to hurt. As Castiel struggled to find the balance, Dean pulled away abruptly, motioning to the door.

 _“_ _Sam'_ _s yelling at us to stop making out. Guess we should head back out there._ _”_

He phrased it like a question, and Castiel nodded, annoyed when he felt the urge to sigh in relief. Apparently his body wasn’t on board with his brain. But then he and Dean rejoined the group and accepted bowls of steaming chili with all the fixings.

They had no more time alone that night, as they all ate together and then commenced a rousing game of Pictionary to fill the hours until midnight. Dean and Castiel were on one team, Anna and Inias on another, and then Sam and Jess on the last one. Mary couldn’t be persuaded to join, saying she’d rather watch despite their best attempts to cajole her. Instead, she acted as timekeeper, and they all got to laugh over the ridiculous pictures they produced. At one point, Dean was nearly crying with laughter at Castiel’s attempt at drawing an anteater. Several extra limbs were involved, and Dean was convinced that the creature’s ears were supposed to be antlers, and don’t even get him started on the _tongue_. Castiel hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time.

After the game ended with Anna and Inias victorious, they decided to take a break and dig into some of the desserts Mary had brought, plus cookies Jess had baked earlier. Inias revealed his own offering of cupcakes, and though he was clearly skeptical of how they came out, they all ensured him they were delicious, if not extremely cute with their silver and gold sprinkles.

After that, Dean, Castiel, Sam, and Jess started a game of Apples to Apples. Castiel got to really talk to Jess for the first time, and he quickly learned that she had a dirtier and more terrible sense of humor than him, as she made even Dean’s eyebrows skyrocket with a nasty combination of cards.

During one round, Castiel and Jess met eyes, grinning, and Dean roughly elbowed him from where they were sitting on the floor.

 _“_ _Hey, none of that you two,_ _”_   he signed. _“_ _No double dates. It_ _’_ _s lame._ _”_

 _“_ _Then what do you call this?_ _”_ Jess signed, and as she flipped her hair, Castiel saw hearing aids in her ears.

Dean had no retort and left his mouth dangling open, which Sam immediately took advantage of by trying to toss a grape inside. Dean swatted it away, startled, but then they tried for real, cheering when Sam scored and Dean triumphantly chewed the winning shot.

Ten till midnight, they quit their game and started pouring out glasses of champagne. Anna turned the TV to the station showing the ball drop in New York. When the two minute mark hit, Castiel abruptly recalled one of the traditions of New Year’s: for couples to kiss when the clock struck midnight. Shooting Dean a nervous glance, Dean gave him a small smile and a nod. Castiel moved to stand beside him, and together, they all counted down to the New Year. As confetti streamed down on the crowd in Times Square, the camera panned to couples kissing, and Dean and Castiel promptly pressed their mouths together in an approximation of a kiss that was so fast, if you blinked you’d miss it. As they stood back, they saw that Sam and Jess were far more into it, and Dean had to chuck a grape at Sam’s head to get them to break apart. They all laughed, but Castiel felt an unpleasant churning in his gut.            

They would get past this, right?


	12. Chapter 12

_“_ _What do you think about being obnoxious and ordering the most expensive wine on the menu?_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel rolled his eyes.

 _“_ _I don'_ _t think either of us can afford it, but you_ _’_ _re paying if you do._ _”_

Dean grinned and settled back in the chair. They were at The Brewery, using up the reservation Dean had set aside as Castiel’s Christmas present, and Castiel had to smirk at Dean’s effort to ‘dress up.’ He was wearing a pair of nice khakis, but he was in his usual flannel shirt, a crisscross pattern of red and black stripes. It would’ve been okay by itself, but then Dean had added a bow-tie to the mix. The result was that he resembled a very sharp-looking lumberjack.

Castiel had said as much when they first met in the lobby, though Dean’s retort was that Castiel’s perpetual sex hair was worse. Castiel had _tried_ to flatten it at home, but he needed a haircut and everyone was just going to have to deal with it until he could get one. Not that The Brewery was _that_ fancy, but it was nicer than most places. It was bustling on this Saturday night, buzzing with chatter in the dim lighting, which cast shadows on the white tablecloths. Castiel stole a glance around the place, noting all the couples, all the _hetero_ sexual couples, and he sighed. 

But Dean didn’t appear to be bothered. Lounging back, he dramatically swung open the menu and adopted a sophisticated expression as he mimed licking his finger and turning the pages.       

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _re being ridiculous,_ _”_ Castiel signed in small gestures, rolling his eyes when Dean clapped a hand over his heart in mock outrage.

 _“_ _Who, me?_ _”_

_“_ _We_ _’_ _re in public,_ _”_ Castiel signed more urgently, and Dean just grinned, making a show of hiding behind the menu to ignore him. Castiel was happy that he was in such a good mood, but really, this was their first appearance in public, and they were already getting stares. Not that he wasn’t used to that, but still…

Castiel huffed and leaned forward to prop the menu down so he could sign. _“_ _Could you stop, please?_ _”_

Dean finally folded the menu and set it down, his expression exasperated. _“_ _Come on, I_ _’_ _m just trying to lighten the mood. This place is stuffier than I remember._ _”_

 _“_ _Then why did you even get a reservation here?_ _”_ Castiel signed agitatedly. Dean’s grin slid off his face and he adopted an unsure expression as he nervously tapped his fingers on the table.

Castiel cursed himself. “ _No, don_ _’_ _t do that. This place is great._ _”_

But now Dean’s expression was skeptical, and he wouldn’t meet Castiel’s eyes. _“_ _No, I should_ _’_ _ve known this place was too fancy for our first official date._ _”_ He shook his head. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t know what I was thinking._ _”_

 _“_ _No, this is great_ _,_ _”_ Castiel signed forcefully, but Dean still wasn’t looking at him.

 _“_ _I'_ _m sorry. We can go_ _…”_

Castiel waved to get his attention. _“_ _No, I don_ _’_ _t want to go. I just want you to act normal. Pretend we_ _’_ _re back at the mall. Remember that?_ _”_

A lopsided smile appeared on Dean’s face and he finally glanced up.

 _“_ _Yeah. That was awesome._ _”_ His smile faded. _“_ _We should_ _’_ _ve just done that. This isn_ _’_ _t really us, is it? I mean, the last time I was here was years ago. Me and Sammy took Mom here for Mother_ _’_ _s Day when we first moved in._ _”_

 _“_ _Really?_ _”_

 _“_ _Yeah, it was good, but we were all still a wreck._ _”_

Castiel nodded thoughtfully, gazing around. _“_ _Michael brought us here to celebrate my graduation._ _”_ He started when a waiter appeared at his elbow. Dean quickly raised his hands to interpret, and Castiel nodded at the specials, impressed that the waiter didn’t immediately stare at Castiel like he was some monstrosity. Then again, they probably saw a number of Deaf students over the course of the year.

 _“_ _You know what drink you want?_ _”_ Dean asked him, and Castiel frowned.

 _“_ _Water? With lemon?_ _”_

Dean smirked and then relayed his order to the waiter, who scurried away.

 _“_ _No booze for you then?_ _”_ Dean asked after a moment.

Castiel grimaced. _“_ _I_ _’_ _d rather not spend that much money. Besides, it makes my head all fuzzy._ _”_

 _“_ _That_ _’s_ _because you'_ _re a lightweight. It takes me four beers to start feeling anything._ _”_

Castiel’s brows knit. _“_ _That_ _’_ _s not really a good thing, Dean._ _”_

Dean rolled his eyes as he threw his head back in exasperation. _“_ _What? So I drink a little more than most? So what?_ _”_

 _“_ _Actually_ _—”_ Castiel started, but Dean interrupted him.

 _“_ _Can we not fight please? This is our first date._ _”_

Castiel pursed his lips, but nodded. They were both quiet, scanning their menus, and several minutes later the waiter delivered their waters. Castiel was secretly relieved that Dean didn’t order anything alcoholic. When the waiter looked confused at where to start, Castiel held up the menu and pointed at what he wanted, using Dean to add a side salad with Ranch, a baked potato, and a medium rare steak with his order. The waiter wrote it down and Castiel watched Dean speak, unable to tell what he was getting. When the waiters took their menus and left, there was silence again. Castiel fiddled with his napkin as he noticed that Dean was playing with his straw wrapper, folding it up so it resembled a caterpillar.

This was ridiculous. Why was it so hard to talk all of a sudden?  If they were just friends, what would they have been talking about right now?

 _“_ _What_ _’_ _d you get for the rest of your Christmas presents?_ _”_ Castiel signed, having to repeat the question when it took a second to get Dean’s attention. Dean looked relieved at the topic, and finally, they fell into a steady rhythm of conversation. Dean talked about the crazy cards he got from his relatives, prompting him to go into a long anecdote about his dad’s dad, the ‘coolest, nerdiest grandpa ever.’ Dean finished the tale with a wistful smile, and Castiel could tell he was thinking that it would’ve been better if his father had turned out more like his grandfather.

 _“_ _Michael gave me a check to get cochlear implants,_ _”_ Castiel blurted out before Dean could sign anything else. That gave Dean pause, and his face grew thoughtful.

 _“_ _Are you going to go through with it?_ _”_

Castiel swallowed hard. _“_ _Do you think I should?_ _”_

 _“_ _I can_ _’_ _t tell you what to do. But if you want to, you should. Those things aren_ _’_ _t cheap, and if you can do it_ _…”_ Dean shrugged. _“_ _We looked into those for Sammy, but we didn_ _’_ _t have insurance so yeah, there_ _’_ _s no way we could afford them. We don_ _’_ _t all have rich, douchebag brothers._ _”_

Castiel grinned despite himself. _“_ _Lucky you._ _”_

 _“_ _But really, are you thinking of doing it?_ _”_

 _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t know._ _”_ Castiel looked away, his gaze distant. _“_ _I haven_ _’_ _t really thought about it. It could be great, but_ _…_ _it would change so many things. I gave up on hearing so long ago. I don_ _’_ _t_ _…_ _know how to not be Deaf, you know?_ _”_

Dean nodded, pensive. _“_ _I guess I can understand that. For the record, it doesn_ _’_ _t matter to me what you do. Deaf Cas, hearing Cas, I don_ _’_ _t care. We_ _’_ _ll still be_ _…_ _whatever we are._ _”_

Castiel smiled, a lump in his throat, and as his gaze locked with Dean’s, he remembered, suddenly, how much he was attracted to him. This was _Dean_ and they were _together_ and as weird as it was, they’d figure it out. They were just in an awkward transitional phase. It would pass.

And it did pass as the night continued pleasantly. Conversation flowed, especially when they both decided to screw it and order wine to go with their identical steak dinners. They split the check, hung around talking for a little longer, and then Dean drove Castiel home in the Impala. The closer they got to his apartment, though, the more Castiel felt a flurry of nerves in his stomach. There was usually a kiss to seal the end of a first date, right? His heart beating a steady staccato, Castiel braced himself for the moment, but then Dean just waved at him, and Castiel got out of the car, wishing him goodnight before Dean sped away.

It hadn’t been a terrible first date, but still…they _would_ get over whatever this was, right?

* * *

Or maybe they wouldn’t.                                                            

Over the next few weeks, not much changed. It was like Dean had never asked him out. They still texted, they still hung out, but it was the same routine, all except for Dean’s visits to Castiel’s apartment. Finally, _finally_ , he had caved in to Castiel’s increasingly forced invitations, and it actually worked out better, as it was easier for Dean to swing by after work when he was already on his way home. As Castiel was almost always free, they could meet up at any of the odd hours Dean had off, and at first, Castiel was excited. Anna worked late shifts more often than not, so they had the apartment to themselves to do whatever they wanted.

Only, what they did was exactly what they had done before: hanging out, talking, making food, eating said food, watching TV, laughing at videos on the Internet. Castiel thought the flip had been switched during their first date, but apparently not, as there was always a healthy distance between them. It made Castiel wonder if they were even relationship material, though his brain was helpful in proving that that was wrong, that they _could_ be more, as his fantasies involving Dean had become dangerously…intimate.

Castiel had sexual fantasies – _a lot_ of them, in fact, especially involving Dean’s bare chest and what little he had been able to glimpse so far – but more than that, he wanted to _touch_. He kept envisioning pressing up behind Dean, circling arms around his waist and drawing him close to just breathe him in, nipping at his ear but pulling him back to the bed so they could spoon, so he could feel Dean’s warmth radiating into all parts of him. It was so _stupid_ but he wanted it _so bad_ and he had to force himself to ball his hands into fists whenever he thought about it. 

He didn’t want to push Dean, after all.

Castiel spoke to Anna about his dilemma one Friday, after Dean had texted him to see if it was alright to spend the night with Sam. It was silly that Castiel had to give him permission to spend time with his own family, or heck, even have a night off for himself, but Castiel knew Dean was just trying his best to make their pseudo-relationship work. It didn’t help that Castiel was _always_ desperate to spend more time with him, like the selfish bastard he was, and he knew, objectively, that this was veering into unhealthy territory, but he couldn’t stop. This was his first real relationship, and if he was going to get anywhere – physically, mentally, emotionally – then they needed to spend time together so he could get comfortable with it.

Anna was watching the latest Law and Order when Castiel confronted her, seeking her advice. Her relationship with Inias was going well, and Castiel had seen him several more times over the past few weeks. He was nice and endearing in the way he kept trying to communicate with Castiel, and Castiel could see why Anna was smitten with him. That said, they _had_ gone through a rough patch recently – something involving Anna’s outings with her co-workers – and though Castiel didn’t know the whole story, he was grateful when they smoothed it over.

Anna paused the TV as Castiel sat beside her on the couch, his eyes downcast.

 _“_ _What_ _’_ _s up?_ _”_ she signed, and when Castiel raised his hands, Anna caught them in her own, smiling encouragingly. Castiel sighed, trying to remember what his speech therapist, Erica, had told him. She was a recent graduate, and smiled beautifully whenever Castiel spoke in her presence. They had only had a few sessions so far, but she had already helped him correct some of his pronunciations, though he was glad that the damage didn’t appear too severe. After all, he had had eight years of speaking before going Deaf, and it, surprisingly, wasn’t too difficult accessing those memories, even though they had been slightly altered by time.

“I’m worried about me and Dean,” Castiel said slowly, shaping each word with care and feeling the buzzing of his vocal chords. Erica had told him to try to concentrate on that instead of signing at the same time, though the more proficient he got, the more he could do what Dean and Sam did with simultaneous communication if he so chose.

Anna pressed his hands down to remind him as she lifted hers to sign. _“_ _Why? What_ _’_ _s going on?_ _”_

“Nothing. Nothing is going on and that’s the problem!” Castiel said, fighting the urge to sign, though his hands twitched in frustration. “Nothing has changed. I don’t know what to do.”

 _“_ _What do you mean nothing has changed?_ _”_

Castiel filled her in on some of the details, blushing when he said that they had barely kissed, and even then, it had felt strange.

Anna smiled fondly. _“_ _You_ _’_ _re over-thinking things and putting too much pressure on yourselves. It sounds like Dean is, too, so that_ _’_ _s why you_ _’_ _re both afraid of going further._ _”_

“It’s Dean’s first relationship with a man.”

 _“_ _And it'_ _s your first relationship, period. I get that you both want to take it slow, but you need to communicate. That_ _’_ _s the most important thing. Talk to each other. Tell Dean what you want. Don_ _’_ _t make him guess. Everyone has different expectations. How are you going to know what Dean wants if you don_ _’_ _t ask?_ _”_

At Castiel’s frown, Anna sighed, adding, _“_ _Talking about this stuff isn_ _’_ _t easy, but it_ _’_ _s important. And you can_ _’_ _t try to force things to change. Just_ _…_ _go with the flow. Stop worrying so much._ _”_ She grinned. _“_ _You_ _’_ _ll get even more wrinkles that way._ _”_

Castiel scowled. “I don’t have wrinkles.”

 _“_ _Not yet, old man,_ _”_ Anna teased, and Castiel mockingly flipped her off before grinning back.

“Thanks, Anna,” he said, and she wrapped him in a hug.

When they pulled apart, she signed, _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t worry. It will all turn out okay._ _”_

* * *

If only that were true.

It was a week till Dean’s birthday, the 24th of January, and Castiel was determined to sit down and talk with Dean about where their relationship was going. His first two attempts had so far failed disastrously, as Dean was often tired when he dropped by, and he usually passed out soon after they threw in a movie. Castiel was loath to prod him awake, especially since he needed Dean to be clear-headed. So, he let it slide…until one night, Castiel couldn’t sit through the opening of _The Empire Strikes Back_ again.

They were at Dean’s house reclining in his room, where he had his own TV/DVD system hooked up so he could watch anything from the comfort of his bed. Dean had just showered, and Castiel enjoyed the smell of his soap for a moment before he realized that this was as awake was he was going to get Dean – it would be all over once they dimmed the lights to watch the movie.

Dean was leaning over to pull on some socks on the edge of the bed, and Castiel watched the shirt tighten on his back. He wished Dean felt comfortable enough to change in front of him, but that would come eventually, especially if they got this conversation out of the way. So, scrambling over the mussed covers of Dean’s bed, Castiel poked him on the arm, making Dean glance at him questioningly.

 _“_ _We need to talk,_ _”_ Castiel signed, and immediately, Dean stiffened. He looked like he was fighting to keep his face blank as he ungracefully clambered after Castiel until they were both leaning against pillows at the headboard.

 _“_ _Talk about what?_ _”_ Dean signed back, going for casual, though Castiel could see his whole body was taut. He winced internally but forced himself to stay strong. _“_ _About us._ _”_

Dean inhaled a breath. _“_ _What about us?_ _”_

Castiel held Dean’s gaze. _“_ _Do you still want there to be an_ _‘_ _us_ _’_ _?_ _”_

Dean blinked. _“_ _What the hell kind of question is that?_ _”_

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m asking if you still want to go out with me._ _”_

Dean scowled. _“_ _Yeah! I asked you remember?_ _”_ He swallowed and added tentatively, _“_ _Unless you don_ _’_ _t want to anymore._ _”_

Castiel rolled his eyes. _“_ _Of course I still want to go out with you! I just wanted to figure out where we_ _’_ _re going with this._ _”_

Dean blew out a breath and then narrowed his eyes, seeming to finally process what Castiel had signed. _“_ _Wait, what do you mean?_ _”_

 _“_ _Our relationship. Where is it going?_ _”_

Dean huffed. _“_ _Isn_ _’_ _t it a bit early to be asking that?_ _”_

 _“_ _No, because we haven_ _’_ _t even started anything!_ _”_

 _“_ _What are you talking about?_ _”_

Castiel met Dean’s scowl with one of his own. _“_ _Nothing has changed between us. We_ _’_ _ve barely kissed! We don_ _’_ _t even_ _…_ _hold hands anymore!_ _”_

Dean rolled his eyes, amused. _“_ _So you want to hold hands more, Cas?_ _”_

Castiel squared his jaw. _“_ _Yes. And I want to_ _…_ _do more! We_ _’_ _re together, aren_ _’_ _t we?_ _”_

At that, Dean’s amusement vanished, replaced by pale terror. _“_ _Oh. So you want to_ _…_ _you know_ _…”_

Castiel bit his lip, unable to meet Dean’s eyes. _“_ _I mean, yes, eventually. But we have to work up to that somehow, right?_ _”_

 _“_ _So what are you saying?_ _”_

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m saying_ _…_ _I want to touch you more. To kiss you and_ _…”_

Dean’s lip quirked. _“_ _And cuddle?_ _”_

Castiel squirmed but nodded. _“_ _And cuddle, yes._ _”_

 _“_ _Okay._ _”_ Dean shrugged. _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t know if you were ready for that kind of thing_ _…”_

 _“_ _Exactly!_ _”_ Castiel signed emphatically. _“_ _We need to communicate more! That_ _’_ _s the only way this will work._ _”_ He gestured between them and Dean nodded slowly in dawning comprehension. _“_ _We_ _’_ _re both new to this,_ _”_ Castiel added shyly. _“_ _We need to be clear about what we want and what we_ _’_ _re ready for._ _”_

Dean’s eyes widened suddenly. _“_ _Holy crap. I_ _’_ _m your first relationship. I didn_ _’_ _t even think of that_ _…”_ He gulped and stared at Castiel. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m sorry you_ _’_ _re getting a crappy deal._ _”_

 _“_ _Stop that. I_ _’_ _m happy it_ _’_ _s with you. This way we can learn together,_ _”_ Castiel signed.

Dean burst out laughing. _“_ _Oh my god you just quoted every single rom-com ever_ _._ _”_

Castiel felt a grin tugging at his lips. _“_ _Sadly that_ _’_ _s all I_ _’_ _ve got to rely on at this point. That and Anna_ _’_ _s advice._ _”_

 _“_ _So Anna told you to say that? Dude!_ _”_

Castiel swatted him. _“_ _Shut up about your one night stand. No one cares anymore. And yes, Anna did say we should talk and I have to say I_ _’_ _m glad we did._ _”_

 _“_ _So you want me to ask for permission when I want to do something?_ _”_

Castiel raised an eyebrow, subconsciously licking his lips and watching as Dean tracked the movement with his eyes. _“_ _I would appreciate it. For now, at least. Until I get more comfortable._ _”_

 _“_ _Okay. So_ _…_ _can I kiss you? Get you more_ _…_ _comfortable?_ _”_

Castiel blushed. _“_ _Yes. Though it_ _’_ _s still really weird. I never realized how squishy and wet it is. It always seems dry and straightforward on TV._ _”_

 _“_ _That_ _’_ _s because they_ _’r_ _e acting. You know, it_ _’_ _s not real?_ _”_

Castiel shrugged, rolling his eyes. _“_ _Like I said, I have no experience to base my expectations off of._ _”_

 _“_ _We_ _’_ _ll just have to fix that then,_ _”_ Dean said, leaning forward to capture Castiel’s lips in his own. It _was_ weird at first, and Castiel desperately followed Dean’s lead in the whole ‘open-and-close’ part. But after a few moments of trying to keep up, Castiel let himself relax, sagging down and just allowing the sensations to take over. Warmth pooled in his gut, and it spiked when Dean cupped Castiel’s face in his hands, smoothing the calloused pads of his fingers down Castiel’s chin and neck. Castiel shuddered and tried to bring up his own hand to match Dean’s actions, but he faltered when he couldn’t focus on two things at once.

Castiel finally broke apart from Dean, breathing hard, his hand still hanging in the air in its aborted attempt. Dean’s eyes were questioning, and Castiel just nodded, surging forward to kiss him again, needing to feel Dean’s lips on his as the warmth spread to all of him. Dean let his hands fall to his sides to give Castiel room to touch his face, and Castiel thrilled at the way his skin caught on the stubble of Dean’s chin. He traced Dean’s jawline and then the shell of his ears, pulling back when Dean’s breath hitched oddly. As they sat apart, Castiel realized that Dean was laughing.

 _“_ _Why are you touching my ears? That_ _’_ _s weird._ _”_

Castiel blushed. _“_ _Sorry. My hands_ _…_ _wandered._ _”_

 _“_ _Yeah. They do that,_ _”_ Dean signed, bringing up his hands to drag them down Castiel’s neck to his shoulders, then the lengths of his arms over his shirt, making Castiel shiver. Dean finished with Castiel’s hands, and Castiel saw him smile a little to himself, flushing. Castiel raised an eyebrow.

Dean grinned shyly. _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t realize that guys felt different from girls. You_ _’_ _re so ripped and you feel so_ _…_ _hard and muscly._ _”_ He ducked his head and Castiel grinned, waggling his eyebrows.

 _“_ _Very hard and muscly._ _”_

 _“_ _Shut up! I_ _’_ _m not used to it, okay?_ _”_

 _“_ _But you like it right?_ _”_

Dean pounced, pinning Castiel beneath him as he mouthed, _Hell yeah_. He bent to ravish him, and Castiel lost track of time, giving in to the sensations. Dean did little more than kiss him, and though they could’ve grinded against each other as Castiel noted his and Dean’s obvious arousals, they didn’t go that far, maintaining a distance as they were sealed only by their lips. Castiel took advantage of the situation and let his hands roam Dean’s body as Dean fought to keep himself upright. Dean was right about the whole ‘hard and muscly’ turn-on, _good lord_. The planes of his body… _damn_.  Even through his shirt, his muscles were well-defined.

Needless to say, their conversation was _very_ worth it, and they didn’t get around to watching the movie after all. Castiel would just have to watch the beginning again…for the fifth time.

Surprisingly, he didn’t care.


	13. Chapter 13

Dean was given the night off for his birthday, and he invited Castiel over to his house for a small party with his family. When Castiel found the Winchesters in the kitchen, he was amused to see that Dean was practically glowing under the attention of his mother and brother. Mary was shoving a card at him, and Sam was presenting his lumpy attempt at what looked like an Impala cake, though…it was not entirely accurate. Still, after they sang happy birthday and Dean blew out his candles, he took a huge helping immediately proclaimed that it was the best thing he’d ever eaten, except for pie, of course. With his mouth full, he shot a pointed wink at Castiel, who felt his cheeks turn pink.

Since their conversation, er, rather, make-out session the previous week, things between them had been…better. Whereas there had been a barrier before, now it was rapidly crumbling, to the extent that Castiel was nervous. They had made-out several more times since then, though they were lazy and slow since it was always late and Dean smelled like motor oil. Castiel was fine with that, but today was Dean’s birthday, and he knew that couples did extra things on each other’s birthdays…right? Which was why he hadn’t bought Dean a gift. Not like any of them had, as Dean had adamantly denied needing anything – which explained why he was currently giving his mother a hard time, as she had clearly given him a check in his birthday card. Castiel watched them bicker, both of them stubbornly refusing to back down, and he met Sam’s eyes and smiled.

Castiel loved this family, but he was still worried.                     

After cake, they transitioned into card games – anything but poker, as Mary declared. So, Uno was up first. It was the kind where they had to press a button on a battery-powered machine every round, and it would spit tons of cards at them at random intervals. Castiel was not lucky, and the machine continually spewed cards at him until he was sure he was holding half the deck in his hands. Mary laughed at him before winning the game, causing Dean and Sam to throw their cards down in mock outrage. Dean signed that she was supposed to let him win since it was his birthday, but she just leveled a glare and signed, _“_ _Thirty-six hours, Dean, thirty-six hours._ _”_ That shut him up.

Their whole exchange made Castiel wistful, though he tried to keep thoughts of his own mother at bay. She would’ve liked Mary Winchester very much. They might’ve even been friends. Dean caught him spacing out and drew him back in with a wink, though his eyes were worried.

_“_ _What are you thinking about, Cas?_ _”_

Castiel grinned. _“_ _Just counting all your gray hairs, old man._ _”_

Dean huffed as Sam laughed, making a show of leaning over to meticulously count the strands of his brother’s hair. Dean swatted him away and the brothers broke away from the table, slapping at each other, making their way to the living room where they started to wrestle. Castiel watched them from the kitchen, and he and Mary rolled their eyes and slowly picked up the game. When that was done, she shooed away Castiel’s attempt to do the dishes, and he made his way down to the den where Sam and Dean had turned their physical aggression into a fierce game of Mario Kart. Sam kicked Dean’s ass as Toad, and Castiel laughed at Dean’s sullen expression, even though it made butterflies burst in his stomach.

_“_ _You_ _’_ _re cute when you_ _’_ _re mad,_ _”_ he signed, and that only made Dean pout more. When the game was over, Castiel went to Dean and held out his hand, aware that Sam was watching. Dean met his gaze and suddenly Castiel’s throat went dry at the heat in his eyes. His heart stuttered as Dean accepted his hand and then looped an arm around Castiel’s shoulders. They shuffled around to bid goodnight to Sam, who was eyeing them knowingly.

_“_ _Just remember that even though we_ _’_ _re all deaf, we_ _’_ _d rather not be scarred for life. Again._ _”_

Dean made a spectacular face and moved away from Castiel to throw a pillow at his brother.

_“_ _That was one time you jerk, and there was a sock on the door!_ _”_

Sam’s shoulders shook with laughter. _“_ _Use protection!_ _”_ he signed after them as Dean forcefully Castiel steered away, not before flipping off his brother. They headed upstairs and Castiel felt his breaths catching his lungs. Was this really going to happen? But no, that was stupid… Mary and Sam were home. That would be…awkward, to say the least.

Still, Dean appeared to have something in mind as they got to his bedroom and he closed the door. He flopped onto the bed and pulled Castiel on top of him, flipping them over so he was on top. He leaned down to kiss Castiel, who braced himself for it by pursing his lips and closing his eyes. But when Dean’s weight disappeared, he opened his eyes to see Dean sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at him and chewing his lip.

_“_ _What is it?_ _”_

Dean swallowed. _“_ _Communication, right?_ _”_

Castiel nodded, trying to calm his speeding thoughts.

_“_ _I was just thinking_ _…”_ Dean started. _“_ _I mean, is it okay if_ _…_ _if I see you? All of you?_ _”_

_“_ _You want to see me naked?_ _”_ Castiel signed, shocked at how calm his signs were compared to his racing heart.

Dean nodded, licking his lips. _“_ _Yeah. If you_ _’_ _re okay with it._ _”_

Castiel took a moment to think about it. It wasn’t a big deal, right? The only weird part would be exposing his…junk, and it wasn’t like it was that different from what Dean already had. Penises were penises, right? No big deal.

Only, Castiel was frozen, and he found he didn’t know what to say. He was okay with it, surely he was okay with it. So why couldn’t he just sign the go-ahead? Why couldn’t he just do this for Dean on his birthday?

A second later, Dean was peppering kisses on his face, startling Castiel out of his thoughts. He pushed Dean off, a question on his face.

_“_ _You_ _’_ _re not ready,_ _”_ Dean signed. _“_ _It_ _’_ _s okay._ _”_

_“_ _But I_ _…_ _want to._ _”_

Dean raised his eyebrows. _“_ _No, you definitely don_ _’_ _t. You went all_ _…_ _rigid. Scared. Obviously not comfortable. It_ _’_ _s okay, really. We_ _’_ _ll build up to it, right?_ _”_ He tacked on a smirk to the end of his sentence, and Castiel clenched his hands into fists before uncurling them to sign.

_“_ _I'_ _m sorry. I wanted to_ _—”_

_“_ _Seriously, it_ _’_ _s okay. I still get to kiss you, right?_ _”_

Castiel swallowed around a lump and nodded, letting Dean take charge as Dean kissed him breathless, using his hands to sweep along Castiel’s face and through his hair. Castiel’s toes curled as he bared his throat, feeling heat flare in his belly again. Only this time he gasped because Dean grinded down into his crotch and it felt _amazing_. Pleasure zinged through him as Dean pulled back, leaning so he could sign with one hand.

_“_ _Is that okay?_ _”_

Castiel nodded frantically, and Dean grinned, rocking into him again as he nuzzled into Castiel’s neck. Castiel threw back his head and opened his mouth in a moan, unable to process everything until suddenly, it all stopped and he looked up to see Dean shaking, his face angled down. Reaching up, he lifted Dean’s chin and found that Dean was laughing hysterically.

_“_ _What?_ _”_ he signed, and Dean took one look at his face and burst into a new fit of laughter. As Dean sat back on his haunches, Castiel’s eyes flashed to his obvious arousal and then to Dean’s face, scowling as he demanded again what was so funny.

_“_ _It_ _’_ _s just_ _…_ _you_ _’_ _re so_ _…_ _loud_ _!_ _”_ Dean signed, his whole body trembling with his laughter. _“_ _You sound like a goddamn porn star! Jesus Christ!_ _”_

Castiel flushed. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m sorry. I didn_ _’_ _t know_ _—”_

_“_ _No! Don_ _’_ _t apologize! It_ _’_ _s hot! I just didn_ _’_ _t expect_ _…”_ Dean shook his head. _“_ _Your voice is freaking sexy. Don_ _’_ _t ever stop._ _”_

Castiel nodded frantically, making an impatient gesture with his hands, and Dean smirked as he dove back in.

Castiel had never realized just how glorious friction could be when it was with someone else. Dean was a solid body of heat, and Castiel could feel him quivering the more they increased their speed. The fabric of his pants and underwear was slightly bunched and beginning to chafe as they rocked together, but Castiel focused more on trying to breathe, feeling the bed shake beneath him as he started to tremble. Sweat formed on the back of his neck and everywhere he and Dean were touching, and it was so hot and sticky but wonderful and he never wanted to stop. His cock practically _burned_ with need, straining against his clothing, and then all at once pleasure swept from the back of his head to the front, whiting out his vision for a fraction of a second. His mouth fell open and he moaned, feeling his release pumping through him, soaking his underwear. Dean was still straining above him, his face red and his eyes closed. Castiel arched himself off the bed, rutting even harder against him, letting out little noises when his sensitive cock brushed gloriously against the textured fabric.

It was while Castiel was writhing beneath him that he got to watch Dean reach his own peak. Dean’s face went slack and his mouth parted, and then he was shuddering hard. Castiel gripped his shoulders as he worked through it, his hips dry-humping the air, until he finally collapsed beside Castiel, breathing hard. They turned to one another and laughed, Castiel feeling giddier than he could ever remember being before.   

_“_ _Happy birthday, Dean,_ _”_ Castiel signed, and Dean’s smile grew even wider to match his dazed expression.

They lay still, getting their breaths back, until things started to get uncomfortable. Dean sat up with a grimace, glancing at Castiel.

_“_ _You can stay if you want,_ _”_ he signed, abruptly shy. _“_ _Or you can just shower and go home. Whatever._ _”_

Castiel sat up, too, squirming. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t have my pajamas with me._ _”_

_“_ _You could borrow some of mine. They_ _’_ _re not as soft as yours but_ _…_ _they should fit._ _”_

Castiel smiled. _“_ _That sounds perfect._ _”_

_“_ _You can shower first. I_ _’_ _ll get you a towel._ _”_ Dean leapt to his feet and opened the door. After making sure the coast was clear, he awkwardly shuffled into the hallway to grab Castiel a towel from the linen closet. He kept glancing over his shoulder as he returned and shoved the towel at Castiel. He winked. _“_ _Guess we can try that whole cuddling thing when we_ _’_ _re clean._ _”_

Castiel raised his eyebrows. _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t give me that face. I_ _’_ _m sure you_ _’_ _ll like it even more than me_ _._ _”_

He was right, obviously.

Later, when they were both smelling fresh and clean, with lingering heat wafting from their bodies and slightly damp hair, Dean pressed in close behind him on the bed. Castiel could feel Dean’s breaths puffing on his neck, and yes, it was strange at first, but it was nothing he hadn’t felt when Dean was above him, grinding down into him.

And this…this was nice. Just breathing, feeling each other’s heat but not needing to do anything but share it and feel close. Castiel liked this very much, and before long, his eyelids started to droop. By the time Dean pulled a blanket over them, he was well on his way to dreamland. He was oddly grateful his orgasm had made him so sleepy, because normally he tossed and turned to get comfortable, and this would only upset the delicate balance he and Dean had made. So, instead of kicking around and needing space, he let the feeling of Dean behind him lull him into a deep sleep. It was only as he drifted off that he realized that, oops, he had forgotten to text Anna to let her know he was spending the night.

Oh well. She had probably guessed as much anyways. 

* * *

Valentine’s Day came and went with little fanfare. Dean was fixedly opposed to the holiday, so Castiel didn’t make a fuss about it, not caring either way. Dean was working that night anyways, so all they did was text each other stupid candy heart messages. Castiel sent Dean a picture of one that said ‘Diva’ on it, while Dean sent back ‘Angel,’ and Castiel had to laugh, recalling their first conversation. It was crazy how far they had come in little more than five months, and they kept going farther each time they got together.

What held them up though, was, as usual, Dean’s schedule.

Castiel tried not to get frustrated, he really did. It wasn’t Dean’s fault that he had to work so much to support his family. In fact, his dedication was one of the things Castiel admired most about him, and wouldn’t want to change. Only, was it him, or did Dean seem more devoted to everything _but_ Castiel? 

It was a stupid, selfish thought, but Castiel couldn’t deny it one day, when he corroborated Dean’s schedule and discovered an opening on Saturday. Usually, they could only spend late nights together, during which Dean would already be so exhausted, it was always just a matter of time before he passed out. Once, he had fallen asleep in the middle of kissing, which Castiel would _never_ let him live down.

So when Castiel double- and triple-checked that Dean was indeed free on Saturday, he practically whooped for joy as he texted Dean right away. Maybe this time they could actually go out and do something as a couple. There was a chocolate festival that weekend, having been postponed due to bad weather close to Valentine’s Day, so that could work. Or, if Dean didn’t feel comfortable doing that, they could try other things closer to home, specifically closer to a _bedroom_.

Ever since Dean’s birthday, Castiel had been feeling…antsy. He wasn’t an idiot. He recognized the feeling as one of sexual frustration, because frankly, it wasn’t anything new. It had been going on since freshman year, when he and Balthazar had been assigned as roommates in college.

Through Balthazar, young, naïve Castiel had had his eyes opened to the glorious world of sexual pleasure. It was to Balthazar that he had first come out to, Balthazar who first convinced him to get a toy, and Balthazar who had coached him through his first ever purchase of one – a butt plug designed for prostate stimulation. It took Castiel a long time to get it to feel _good_ , and by then, he was browsing sex toy sites every other day, wanting to explore more. The result was a fairly modest collection of plugs, cock rings, sleeves, and dildos. His favorite by far was a vibrating plug that he could get to brush his prostate if he was lucky, causing some of his most powerful orgasms.

But being with Dean had felt so _different_. The carnal pleasure of having a living, breathing partner had made Castiel come harder than he ever had in his life, save for a few memorable occasions. Dean had awakened something in Castiel, tempting out the fantasies he had built up over the years, making him _want_. Suddenly, his abundant free time was _torture_ , and though Castiel knew he was still getting ahead of himself – he had been afraid to even let Dean see him naked, after all – it didn’t change the fact that he wanted to spend more time with Dean.

Needing to focus on something else, Castiel had started channeling his pent-up frustrations into running and writing his novel, which was a useful distraction for a time. But now that he had a week to plan a whole Saturday with Dean, Castiel was again sidetracked. He knew that before he could let himself go crazy with ideas, though, he had to make sure it would really go through, so he texted Sam, and the response was that they had nothing going on. Actually, Sam was meeting with the local democrats that weekend, and he said his mom was going to be using her Christmas gift at the spa.

Castiel’s excitement built, only to be crumbled by Dean’s reply an hour later.

**sry got plans during the day maybe sat night?**

What other plans? With his hearing friends? Couldn’t Dean hang out with them some other time, maybe switch it so Castiel could at least share daylight with his boyfriend? Was that too much to ask?

Castiel sank into a foul mood as the week progressed. The first few times Dean came over at night for his usual visits, Castiel didn’t say much, sulking, but during their third gathering, he couldn’t take it anymore. He snapped, they argued, and Dean left in a huff long before the movie was over.

It figured, then, that in the days following his and Dean’s first fight and stubborn radio silence, that Castiel would be graced by a visitor notorious for throwing things even more out of whack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first time writing all-out honest to god porn (except for an embarrassing attempt in high school with some OCs.) I have passed a mighty milestone!


	14. Chapter 14

It started with a few innocent comments over Skype.

Balthazar was getting sick of California. He was thinking of taking a vacation. And so what if Dean and Castiel weren’t on speaking terms at the moment? Balthazar still wanted to meet him.

Castiel _really_ should’ve put the pieces together, but by the time he did, it was too late. Balthazar had gone through Anna, the bastard, and now Castiel was in the car with her, driving to pick his friend up from the airport. Anna hadn’t quite mastered the ability to sign basic conversation while driving, so the ride was silent, Castiel glaring out the passenger window and debating whether to text Dean or not. By the time they pulled up to the arrivals gate, Castiel had firmly decided that it didn’t matter, because it wasn’t like he was going to see Dean anyways since he was so _busy_. Castiel smirked to himself. Also, it was vindictively amusing to think of Dean running into Balthazar without warning.

Castiel loved his friend, but Balthazar made really bad first impressions. Castiel could recall when Michael first met him, and Balthazar had made a lewd comment about Michael and Lucifer being together…sexually. As Balthazar was able to speak fairly clearly since he wasn’t as profoundly deaf as Castiel, Castiel’s brothers had readily understood Balthazar’s implications and now, both of them threw a fit if Castiel even mentioned Balthazar’s name in their presence. Michael and Lucifer had even joined efforts to forbid Castiel from hanging out with him, but Castiel, being the rebel he was, had continued not only being friends with Balthazar, but also requested he be his roommate every year in college.

Years later, Balthazar remained his closest friend, the one who had actually stuck when everyone else drifted away. As they stopped the car, Castiel’s chest tightened when his friend appeared outside the terminal, wearing a ridiculously low v-neck and a long coat, which he pulled tighter around him as his breath puffed in the air. Castiel threw himself out of the passenger door and raced over to him, and he glimpsed Balthazar’s wide smile before they were hugging tightly, rocking back and forth.

When at last they pulled apart, Balthazar dramatically shivered.

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _s freezing! I forgot how cold it is here._ _”_  

 _“_ _Welcome to the Midwest,_ _”_ Castiel signed. _“_ _It_ _’_ _s not my fault you didn_ _’_ _t check the weather._ _”_

Balthazar stared at him before laughing, pulling him into another hug as he ruffled Castiel’s hair.

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _s so good to see you,_ _”_ Balthazar signed, looking pale as they stepped under a streetlight.

 _“_ _And you as well. Though here I thought the California sun would do you good, but you_ _’_ _re practically ghostly._ _”_

Balthazar shoved him. _“_ _You really think my poor white skin and light hair means I_ _’_ _ll tan? I_ _’_ _ve got English in my blood. We_ _’_ _re a vampiric species. And look at you, very mountain man with all the stubble, though at least you_ _’_ _ve cut your hair. Don_ _’_ _t like it when your man pulls it? I thought you were into pain._ _”_

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _re an ass,_ _”_ Castiel signed, but he was grinning and they hugged one more time before helping Anna load Balthazar’s suitcases into the car. Balthazar greeted Anna, and Castiel watched them speak for a moment before Balthazar turned to him, his teeth chattering.

 _“_ _Great now can we go before I freeze off my precious jewels?_ _”_

They piled into the car as a cold gust of wind whipped through them, and the ride back went ten times faster with Balthazar to entertain both him and Anna. Balthazar could hear some things, including some people’s voices, so he was adept at both speaking and signing, though not usually at the same time. He managed to make Castiel and Anna laugh in the space of a few minutes, and then he demanded that Castiel practice his voice with him, so he could hear it in person. After a few clipped sentences, with Castiel blushing, Balthazar clapped him hard on the back and told him he could hear him a little bit and it sounded great.

Back at the apartment, they each claimed a bag and lugged it up the stairs of their complex.

 _“_ _What did you pack and how long are you planning to stay, exactly?_ _”_ Castiel asked when they made it inside, all of them a little out of breath.

Balthazar gestured to his luggage. _“_ _I had to plan for everything._ _”_

 _“_ _We_ _’_ _re not going clubbing. Never again,_ _”_ Castiel signed, putting his hands on his hips, and Balthazar assumed a hurt look.

 _“_ _But Cassie, I found you a perfect fishnet belly shirt._ _”_

Castiel rolled his eyes and Balthazar beamed. They settled his stuff in Castiel’s room and joined Anna in the kitchen to help make dinner. After they were full of pasta, Balthazar yanked Castiel in the bathroom to apply eye-liner and get them ready to go bar crawling.

At first, Castiel had protested, not believing that alcohol was the answer. But when Balthazar gave him puppy dog eyes and told him it would help him feel better for a night, Castiel had relented, accepting his friend’s ministrations with an exasperated air, though he secretly loved the attention. Now, as he changed into his tightest skinny jeans and pulled on the leather jacket Balthazar had loaned him, he eyed his reflection and felt…fierce. Balthazar was still wearing his gray v-neck and jeans, though he had slipped on some cowboy boots and added his own flair of eye makeup. Castiel lifted his eyebrow but Balthazar said nothing as they linked arms and strode out the door.

Castiel forgot he was such a lightweight, and probably had far too much to drink by the time they made it to the third bar downtown. He was so out of his head that the world was spinning. But even so, he recognized The Roadhouse across the street, and when he stared blearily at his phone, he realized that Dean’s shift was ending in fifteen minutes. He pointed at the place enthusiastically as he and Balthazar stumbled down the sidewalk, and Balthazar laughed as he steered him toward it, guiding them as they crossed the street and entered the bar.

It wasn’t as crowded as the other places they had gone to – it was Sunday night, after all – though Castiel recognized a few of the regulars he had seen a few times since his first experience. Dean was there behind the counter, leaning against the bar as he spoke with Ellen. He was still wearing his stained-white apron from the kitchen, and he did a double-take as Castiel sauntered over, Balthazar hooked around one arm. Dean opened his mouth in shock as Castiel gestured between him and Balthazar. 

 _“_ _Introduce,_ _”_ he signed, or at least he tried to. His hands didn’t seem to be cooperating, as they veered in random directions. He stared at them, puzzled when they didn’t stop moving, and Balthazar halted them before signing.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _ve got it, Cassie._ _”_ Balthazar turned to Dean and introduced himself. They exchanged a few words before Dean hesitantly shook his hand across the bar. Ellen had crossed over to the other side of the bar to give them privacy, though she was shooting them suspicious looks.

Dean eyed Castiel chatting briefly with Balthazar, which Castiel didn’t catch a word of because wow, were the lights always shaped like that?

 _“_ _Are you wearing eyeliner?_ _”_ Dean signed when he finally got Castiel’s attention, and Castiel nodded eagerly, wincing when it felt like there was liquid sloshing around in his brain.

“Yes,” he spoke without thinking, not wanting to deal with his hands, and Dean’s eyebrows skyrocketed.

 _“_ _Did you just talk?_ _”_ he asked and Castiel’s lips stretched over his teeth as he beamed, swaying slightly.

“Don’t ask stupid questions. It’s a surprise! I’m taking speech therapy. For Anna, for Christmas.” He let out a burst of laughter. “Do I sound good?”

A range of expressions crossed Dean’s face before he eventually settled on trying not to laugh. _“_ _You sound drunk._ _”_  

Castiel swallowed hard, feeling tears well in his eyes. “I worked so hard…and now the surprise is _ruined_ … _forever_ …” He hid his face in Balthazar’s shirt, feeling his friend pat him awkwardly on the back. From the rumbling in his chest, he knew he and Dean were having a conversation over his shoulder but his head was too heavy and he couldn’t lift it.

But then he was getting pried away and Dean was on their side of the bar without his apron, which was amazing because since when could Dean walk through solid objects? Castiel gaped at him, but looking at his face reminded him how much he liked Dean even though he was mad at him, and he leaned forward to crash their lips together, making Dean lurch back in surprise.

 _“_ _Hey, whoa! Calm down! Man, I_ _’_ _ve never seen you like this._ _”_ Dean shook his head, smiling hesitantly. _“_ _Maybe we should go out more._ _”_

Castiel nodded. “I’m a lightweight,” he said, but apparently it wasn’t clear so Castiel signed instead, _“_ _I_ _’_ _m a lightweight._ _”_

Dean nodded, rolling his eyes. _“_ _Yeah. I can see that._ _”_

Castiel didn’t remember much more of their conversation and somehow, he and Balthazar made it back to his apartment. It smelled like leather so they must’ve been in the Impala at one point, but Balthazar didn’t drive an Impala, did he?

Then it was all one big blur, and Castiel woke Monday morning feeling like he had been hit by a semi.

Thank god he had the day off. 

Castiel groaned, flopping his arm over and shooting upright when it connected with solid flesh. Balthazar was curled up next to him, still in his outfit from the night before, as was Castiel. Castiel turned to blink at his phone, picking it up from the nightstand and seeing several messages on it, though he couldn’t focus on them yet. His eyes felt puffy and his stomach was rolling.

Lurching to his feet, he stumbled to the bathroom to relieve himself, wincing when he picked a post-it off the mirror and read Anna’s angry message.

**I hope you had a good time last night. You woke me up, asshole! You** **’** **re lucky I love you. There** **’** **s food in the fridge. YOU OWE ME.**

Castiel sent a prayer to heaven for his sister as he stripped, took a shower, brushed his teeth, and then snuck into his room to grab some clothes. Out in the kitchen, he finally perused his texts, smiling when he saw several from Dean.

**it was good to see u last night**

**u should get drunk more often ;)**

**it was cool hearing u talk and stuff u sound really good**

**ur friend is weird and he def touched my butt btw**

**if ur not too hungover wanna get lunch and talk?**

Castiel glanced at the time and swore mentally. If he was going to meet Dean he’d have to hurry…but he couldn’t just leave Balthazar, could he? Plus, he and Dean really _did_ need to talk.

He texted Dean back, **You could come here for lunch if it** **’** **s not too out of the way. I can make you something.**

Dean’s answer was immediate. **sure ur not gonna puke on me?**

**Probably not. I can** **’** **t make any guarantees for Balthazar though.**

There was a few minutes’ delay before Dean texted back, **on my way**.

Castiel bustled in the kitchen, seeing that his sister had bought more eggs. He pulled out some bacon from the freezer and got to work on brunch, which he knew Dean would appreciate. As the frying pan heated up, he ducked in his room to try to rouse Balthazar, who stared at him groggily. Castiel explained what was going on and left Balthazar to shower, feeling oddly nervous. He knew Dean and Balthazar had already met, but they had been under the influence, so it wasn’t entirely genuine…actually, why was he worrying? Balthazar acted like that normally.

Though he _would_ have to speak to him about groping his boyfriend. Only Castiel had access to that ass, even while they were fighting.

Castiel snorted to himself and put the bacon in the pan, imagining the sizzle as he cracked some eggs into a bowl. Balthazar finally poked his head out of the bedroom at the smell of bacon, and Castiel lost track of him as he heated up a second pan. He was so intent on scrambling the eggs that he jumped when Balthazar leaned in beside him, grabbing for the tea kettle.

Several minutes later, a flashing light indicated someone was ringing the doorbell. Castiel shoved the spatula at Balthazar, intercepting him before he got to Dean first.

Dean was in his overalls from the garage and he smelled perfect, his scent mixing with the bacon on the stove. Dean smiled shyly, his eyes dragging down and then snapping back to his face. Oh yeah, Castiel was in his boxers. Immediately he flushed, overwhelmed with the urge to kiss Dean even though he couldn’t.

 _“_ _Can we go inside?_ _”_ Dean signed after a moment, adding with a smirk, _“_ _You_ _’_ _re practically standing naked in the doorway._ _”_

Castiel winced and hastily yanked Dean inside, shutting the door. Dean was laughing at him as he toed off his work boots, though his smile quickly dimmed as he ran a hand through his hair.

 _“_ _Look, I_ _’_ _m sorry. I can see why you were mad. We really haven_ _’_ _t _ _gone out much together, have we?_ _”_

 _“_ _No, we haven_ _’_ _t,_ _”_ Castiel signed, sighing. _“_ _But I understand that you_ _’_ _re busy. I just_ _…_ _want to spend more time with you._ _”_  

Dean nodded. _“_ _I know. I_ _’_ _ll talk to Ellen and Bobby. See if we can move some shifts around or something. Let us have some days to hang out._ _”_

And just like that, Castiel felt like a load had been lifted from his chest. He smiled.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _ll talk to my bosses, too. We can coordinate our schedules._ _”_

Dean grinned, appearing equally relieved. _“_ _Nerd. Can I kiss you now?_ _”_

 _“_ _What are you waiting for?_ _”_

With the scent of bacon in the air, the taste of Dean was like an aphrodisiac and Castiel couldn’t get enough. He traced Dean’s lips and plunged his tongue into Dean’s mouth, tangling with Dean’s as they breathed hot and heavy.

It was a flying spatula that broke them apart, and Castiel glared at Balthazar, who winked as he slow-clapped for them. Castiel rolled his eyes and tugged Dean toward his bedroom, but not before telling Balthazar to pick up the spatula and wash it.

In his room, Dean reached out to brush his fingertips down the sides of Castiel’s face, his eyes gleaming. Castiel leaned into the touch, not realizing how much he had craved it, and frowned when Dean pulled away to sign.

 _“_ _Did you_ _…_ _mean it?_ _”_ Dean asked.

 _“_ _Mean what?_ _”_

 _“_ _You don_ _’_ _t remember?_ _”_

 _“_ _I_ _…_ _no. I_ _’_ _m sorry, did I say something_ _—_ _?_ _”_

Dean blushed. _“_ _Yeah, you kept saying_ _…_ _how much you want to touch me._ _”_

Castiel grimaced, easily imagining himself babbling every fantasy he had ever had about Dean _to_ Dean.

 _“_ _I_ _…_ _yes, I_ _…_ _meant it. I mean it,_ _”_ Castiel signed, biting his lip. _“_ _Like I said. I want to spend time with you. And that means I want to touch more of you. All of you. Like this._ _”_

Castiel approached Dean, hesitantly at first until Dean relaxed, opening his arms like an invitation. Castiel waited no longer to bury his nose in Dean’s neck, nuzzling and purposely dragging his stubble against Dean’s skin so he could feel him shiver. At the shell of his ear, Castiel nipped gently, causing a full-body shudder to course through Dean.

Breathing hard, Dean pushed him away, his face flushed and his eyes dark as he scowled.

 _“_ _Asshole! Don_ _’t_ _do that to me now, not when I have to go back to work soon!_ _”_

Castiel grinned wickedly. _“_ _Why, am I turning you on, Mr. Winchester?_ _”_

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _re such a dick!_ _”_ Dean signed, leaning in. _“_ _And if your friend weren_ _’_ _t right out there_ _…”_ He purposely raked his eyes over Castiel, licking his lips, and it was Castiel’s turn to shudder, though the mood was effectively broken when Dean suddenly slapped a hand to his face.

 _“_ _What?_ _”_ Castiel asked, chuckling when he saw Dean’s shoulders moving up and down.

 _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t know how to dirty talk_ _…_ _dirty sign?_ _”_ Dean signed, laughing, and then Castiel was snorting.

 _“_ _I could think of a few signs. You could talk to Gabriel. He knows many._ _”_

Dean made a face. _“_ _Thanks but no thanks. I_ _’_ _ll have to look it up_ _…”_ He shook his head, his eyes growing soft. _“_ _I missed you, Cas._ _”_

 _“_ _I missed you, too._ _”_

They were leaning in for one last kiss before Dean stopped, yanking a thumb at the door.

 _“_ _Your friend just wolf-whistled at us,_ _”_ Dean explained, his face deadpan, and Castiel sighed.

 _“_ _Yes, I suppose it_ _’_ _s rude to keep him waiting. Shall we?_ _”_

They went over to help finish making brunch, and then sat at the table to eat. Castiel decided that he really should’ve thought this through, because being the mediator between Dean, who had a quick temper, and Balthazar, who loved to rile him up with every lewd remark under the sun, was _exhausting_. Though, to be fair, it was also pretty entertaining, especially when Dean’s face morphed into disgust after Balthazar used a rather crude gesture to describe his ‘recreational activities’ out in California.

 _“_ _It was a lovely m_ _é_ _nage-_ _à…_ _how do you say twelve in French?_ _”_ Balthazar was signing.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m EATING_ _,_ _”_ Dean signed as he shoved his plate away, glaring pointedly at Balthazar and then turning to Castiel. _“_ _How the hell are you friends with him?_ _”_

Castiel tapped his chin thoughtfully. _“_ _I suppose it really started then_ _…_ _Yes, it_ _’_ _s a long story involving a terrible professor, a stupid assignment, and penis-shaped balloons filled with whipped cream._ _”_

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _re both crazy,_ _”_ Dean declared and Castiel chuckled.

 _“_ _Absolutely._ _”_

 _“_ _You should ask Cassie about the pizza man story,_ _”_ Balthazar cut in, and Castiel smacked his forehead with his hand.

 _“_ _No, please don_ _’_ _t!_ _”_

Dean grinned curiously, glancing at Balthazar before checking his phone and making a face.

 _“_ _Back to work?_ _”_

Dean nodded. _“_ _Nice meeting you for real,_ _”_ he signed to Balthazar, who returned the sentiment.

 _“_ _Nice to finally meet Cassie_ _’_ _s boy toy._ _”_

Dean shook his head between Balthazar and Castiel. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t think I_ _’_ _m ever going to get you two._ _”_

 _“_ _It is rather complicated. More than most can comprehend,_ _”_ Balthazar agreed with a nod, and Dean rolled his eyes as he leaned over to peck Castiel’s forehead.

 _“_ _See you later,_ _”_ he signed, and when Castiel met his eyes, there was a heated promise there, a promise that made his heart pound in his ears. Dean waggled his eyebrows and swaggered out, pulling on his boots and shutting the door. Castiel turned back to Balthazar, who was forking the last of his eggs in his mouth.

 _“_ _I like him,_ _”_ he declared, and Castiel smiled until Balthazar added, _“_ _He_ _’_ _s good spank bank material. Greasy overalls? Take me now, Mr. Mechanic!_ _”_

Then Castiel had to ball up his napkin and throw it at his friend, who just laughed.


	15. Chapter 15

The rest of the week with Balthazar was both wonderful and draining. Castiel had forgotten just how exhausting Balthazar could be for prolonged exposure, and he was grateful for the short interludes work provided him. That, and when Dean could join them, though it was only twice more because of Dean’s schedule.

In the meantime, Castiel and Balthazar hung out, watching movies, going shopping, hitting up the bowling alley a few times, and even strolling through the park. The weather was still cold, but the sun was warmer now, and Castiel loved the fresh air. It helped clear his head, especially since the image of Dean’s eyes followed him, making him tremble with anticipation.

There was something so _hot_ about his eyes, and the way they had so lustfully burned into his. Castiel had never felt so _wanted_ and it took most of his willpower to forget just what he wanted to do with Dean – what he wanted Dean to do to him. After all, it wasn’t fair to Balthazar (and he certainly wasn’t going to share these thoughts, no matter how much Balthazar wouldn’t have minded hearing them, the pervert). Unfortunately, his mind kept drifting and he was having trouble focusing on his conversation with his friend, especially when Balthazar snapped in his face, causing them both to pause in the center of the path.

 _“_ _Gone again,_ _”_ Balthazar signed, his face mockingly wistful.

Castiel winced, his gaze wandering away to a flock of pigeons that took to the air. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m sorry. I_ _’_ _m just_ _—”_

 _“_ _Fantasizing about Dean again, I know. I get it, I do. He'_ _s beautiful. I would fantasize about him, too, if I had one. And congrats on making up, by the way. Knew you_ _’_ _d get over that stupid argument, whatever it was about._ _”_

 _“_ _Thanks. And I_ _’_ _m sorry for being awful. We haven_ _’_ _t seen each other in forever and here I am_ _…”_ Castiel made vague gestures with his hands, frustration evident on his face.

 _“_ _Not fully enjoying my excellent presence, yes,_ _”_ Balthazar cut in. _“_ _But I_ _’_ _ve got an idea for how you can make it up to me._ _”_

Castiel sighed. _“_ _Anything._ _”_

Balthazar’s eyebrow twitched, and Castiel realized that he had just put himself in a very dangerous position. He sucked in a his breath, grimacing, but gestured grudgingly for Balthazar to get on with it.

 _“_ _The sex shop on ninth. We_ _’_ _re going, and you_ _’_ _re buying._ _”_

Castiel’s eyes widened, though he admitted to himself that he should’ve expected it. With another sigh, he nodded, and they were off. On the way, Balthazar went on and on about various toys he was curious about and how he planned to use them. From the looks they got, Castiel saw that random passersby, while not fluent in sign language, could tell Balthazar was not speaking very appropriately, and it made him cringe. They got enough attention as is without Balthazar signing the word for—

 _“_ _Balthazar!_ _”_ Castiel signed in outrage, breaking apart Balthazar’s fingers that were tapping on each other. He had a nasty suspicion his friend was also making sexual noises on top of that, if the sudden startled looks shot their way were any indication.

 _“_ _Just getting my revenge,_ _”_ Balthazar signed when Castiel finally released his hands with a stern expression. _“_ _Plus,_ _”_ Balthazar went on with a wicked grin. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m making you buy something crazy for yourself._ _”_

 _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t need anything else. I_ _’_ _ve got too much that I barely use already._ _”_

 _“_ _Come on, Cassie, be adventurous! I know you_ _’_ _ve got all kinds of naughty thoughts in there,_ _”_ Balthazar signed, poking Castiel’s forehead. _“_ _Now you must let them free!_ _”_

Castiel waved Balthazar’s hand away and braced himself as they crossed the street and arrived at the store.

It wasn’t as bad as he had thought it would be. Castiel had purchased all his toys online, too afraid to make eye contact, and especially mortified that he would have to write what he was interested in on a piece of paper…. So, to be safe, they had all been quick and easy faceless transactions.

Once he graduated, he had continued the routine at the apartment, making sure he was home to get the mail when it came, and stealthily hiding the packages from his sister, even though he knew Anna wouldn’t care. She was all about ‘free love’ or whatever, and Castiel could recall an incident in his youth when he had accidentally stumbled upon her own collection of toys…

Castiel shuddered. There were some things you just didn’t need to know about your siblings.

Balthazar, as usual, had pranced ahead, flitting through the aisles like a bumblebee collecting pollen. Now _that_ was an amusing image, and Castiel grinned to himself as he peered more closely at some of the products. The store was medium-sized, well-lit, fairly clean, and spacious between the aisles, which made Castiel feel like he was just at the mall, buying clothes or something appropriate to discuss at the dinner table. Oh, he could hear his sister now, railing into him for that thought because why not make sex a discussion for the dinner table? Castiel smirked, thinking that Gabriel certainly wouldn’t mind. What would Lucifer think? Lucifer was probably into BDSM actually…and Michael would just be appalled and resign to never speak to them again.

Maybe he _should_ bring it up at the dinner table —

Castiel jumped when a skinny man appeared beside him with a colorful nametag that read, ‘Garth.’

Garth smiled and started babbling, no doubt asking if Castiel needed help. Castiel realized, with a start, that he had been so distracted by Balthazar that he had left without his usual notebook. He wondered frantically what to do before he lifted his head and visualized the words.

“No, I’m just looking, thank you,” Castiel said. He held his breath, waiting for Garth to frown in confusion, but he just nodded and bounced away. Maybe Anna and Dean were right about his voice. Maybe he _did_ sound relatively normal.

All in all, the trip to the sex shop was an interesting experience. Castiel’s internal accountant freaked out upon seeing the price tag of all that Balthazar wanted, and he firmly refused to get himself anything. Even though Balthazar tried to insist, Castiel gave him a choice: Castiel could buy Balthazar a toy, or he could buy himself a toy. Thankfully in this case, Balthazar was predictable, and they left the store with Balthazar clutching his bag to his chest and practically purring with delight, a dopey, blissed-out expression on his face.

Castiel was glad to have appeased him, but his mind was back in the store. Truth be told, some things _had_ caught Castiel’s eye, but they would have to wait till later.

Later, when he could use them with Dean.                                                        

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m so happy,_ _”_ Balthazar signed out on the sidewalk, distracting Castiel from the spike of arousal curling in his gut. He nodded, laughing when Balthazar tried to swoop him in a hug that Castiel dodged. They ended up in an impromptu game of chase, and Balthazar should’ve thought things through better because Castiel ran for fun.

They made it back to the park, which they would have to cross to return to the apartment. Balthazar drew up beside Castiel, panting.

 _“_ _You would think I_ _’_ _d be used to such exertion,_ _”_ he signed, and Castiel rolled his eyes.

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _re worse than Dean._ _”_

Balthazar grinned, but it quickly became thoughtful.

 _“_ _Cassie, I want you to know I_ _’_ _m here for you if things ever go sour with lover boy. Not that they will,_ _”_ he amended quickly, holding up his hands in surrender at Castiel’s glare. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m just saying that relationships are tricky. Why do you think I_ _’_ _ve avoided one for so long? I guess_ _…_ _remember that no one knows what they_ _’_ _re doing and that it_ _’_ _s alright to be afraid. Just make sure you_ _’_ _re comfortable and everyone_ _’_ _s consenting and all that. That_ _’_ _s the important thing, or what I gather at least._ _”_

Castiel canted his head, nodding slowly. _“_ _I believe that, too. And thank you. I don_ _’_ _t know what I_ _’_ _d do without you._ _”_

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _re going to make me blush. Stop it!_ _”_

Castiel smiled, his eyes serious. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m sorry about this whole trip. I know it_ _’_ _s been boring that I_ _’_ _ve had to work and everything. I_ _’_ _ve been an awful friend. I haven_ _’_ _t even heard about your life. Can I help you with anything?_ _”_

Balthazar shrugged. _“_ _Nah, my life_ _’_ _s actually quite boring. Sure, it_ _’_ _s always exciting when I get a new temp job, but then when it_ _’_ _s over, it goes back to blah. Wish there were more fun things to do with sign language, but that_ _’_ _s the film industry for you._ _”_

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _ll get something. Just keep trying. You_ _’_ _re certainly flamboyant enough._ _”_

 _“_ _Thanks for that pep talk._ _”_ Balthazar smiled back before nodding down at his armful of goods. _“_ _And thanks for these. This makes up for having to deal with your pining. I imagine you_ _’_ _ll go straight from the airport into his arms. Recreate Flashdance except in greasy overalls and jeans._ _”_

Castiel rolled his eyes and they recommenced walking back to the apartment complex. 

* * *

Balthazar returned to California shortly after, and Castiel wondered just where to start with Dean now that he had time. Should he text him to meet up for lunch so they could talk about what to do…and when to do it? It made his heart rate quicken just thinking about it, and though he didn’t mean to, he ended up procrastinating all day after Balthazar’s departure in the hopes of figuring out the best course of action. It wasn’t until Anna got back from Inias’s house close to dinner time that Castiel realized he needed to just _do_ something. Taking out his phone, Castiel was just about to text Dean when Anna’s hand waved in his face, and Castiel sat up on the couch, glancing at her.

 _“_ _Can you run and get some milk?_ _”_ she signed. _“_ _And some eggs while you_ _’_ _re at it? The convenience store down the block should have everything._ _”_

Castiel pouted and Anna gave him such a mom look that he rolled his eyes. Nodding, he pocketed the $10 dollar bill she passed him and then he pulled on his trench coat and swept out the door.

Spring was making its best attempt for early March, at least in the green buds of crocuses poking from the ground. Castiel was ready for the warm weather. Bright sunny days always made him feel better and forget about the pathetic life he led, and sometimes they were helpful in actually motivating him to change, unlike the endless, dreary days of winter. He sighed, thinking about Michael again. His brother hadn’t relented and his emails were getting more forceful, at least from what Castiel could gather, having taken to skimming them briefly before deleting them. Still, they were constant enough to stay in Castiel’s thoughts, wriggling in there like a worm.

To do cochlear implants, or not to do cochlear implants, that was the question. For one thing, it was permanent. It couldn’t be undone. Also, while the potential benefits were great, there were also tons of risks – it required surgery, after all, and all kinds of infections could result from that. Not to mention that Castiel doubted how much he would be able to hear. Would it really be worth it if the sounds he heard all seemed mechanical, as many patients described? True, that usually faded with time, but that didn’t take away from the fact that this would require a lifestyle change. He would need to worry daily about batteries and if the electrical surges in the implant would set off theft alarms or metal detectors or mess with his computer or cell phone signals. Plus, on top of the whole ‘three to six weeks of recovery time’ to heal from the stitches, he’d have to get auditory training and rehabilitation, which could take weeks if not months if not _years_ depending on how well he was able to readjust.

And what if it didn’t work? He’d have to go through everything all over again!

Castiel sighed again, his eyes trailing over the trees studded along the sidewalks, bare and just waiting for more sun to allow their buds to burst with leaves.

Leaves…he might hear them rustling again. He might hear that dog barking, or that door slamming, or that car beeping. He’d be able to hear voices, use the telephone to call people again, enjoy _music_ if it worked well enough.

Would it be worth the risks involved?           

It was as that thought crossed his mind that Castiel spotted a lone figure sitting on a bench at the edge of the park, smoking a cigarette. Castiel would’ve thought nothing of it if it weren’t for the leather jacket, which looked remarkably familiar. Then he noticed the Impala parked at the curb a short distance away, and he sucked in a breath. Wasn’t Dean supposed to be at The Roadhouse right now?

Before he knew it, Castiel was jogging across the street and standing beside Dean, who jumped when he noticed him, his cigarette nearly falling out of his mouth.

 _“_ _Since when do you smoke?_ _”_ Castiel signed with a frown, blurting out the first thing on his mind.

Dean’s shoulders slumped, and Castiel noticed that the knuckles of his right hand were bandaged. Something was very, very wrong.

 _“_ _Dean? What_ _’_ _s going on?_ _”_

Dean glanced away, taking another drag before yanking it from his mouth, blowing out a puff of smoke as he bent down to stub it out on the ground. He inhaled a breath, and Castiel saw something crumble in his expression, his façade shattering until he was squeezing his eyes shut around tears. Castiel’s heart ached as he slid onto the bench beside him, pulling Dean into a hug and rubbing his back. They stayed that way for a long moment as Dean shook in his arms, and when he pulled away, Castiel watched him angrily swipe away his tears.

“Dean,” Castiel spoke, and that got Dean’s attention enough to shake his head, his expression bitter.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m so fucking stupid, Cas,_ _”_ he signed.

 _“_ _What happened?_ _”_ Castiel demanded, rewarded first by Dean’s stony silence before he caved, his fists clenching before he released them to sign.

  _“_ _I got fired._ _”_

 _“_ _From The Roadhouse?_ _”_

Dean nodded miserably, and Castiel felt guilty at the flare of relief in his gut.

 _“_ _Why?_ _”_

Dean’s face was harsh. _“_ _I guess bosses don_ _’_ _t like when you get into fistfights while on shift._ _”_

 Castiel couldn’t prevent the disappointed look that flitted over his face, and he knew Dean saw it when Dean’s jaw clenched.

 _“_ _What happened?_ _”_ Castiel asked.

 _“_ _I was defending us, you know, so don_ _’_ _t give me that disappointed crap,_ _”_ Dean signed with a glare.

Castiel scowled back. _“_ _What are you talking about?_ _”_

 _“_ _One of the guys in there saw us when you came in last week with Balthazar. He brought some buddies in just so they could yell about us being faggots and something about taking pity on disabled queers. I didn_ _’_ _t hear much else after that._ _”_ He shrugged, and Castiel let out a long sigh as he gripped Dean’s injured hand and brought it to his lips, kissing each knuckle gently.

“Oh Dean,” he said between kisses. “My beautiful, brave, Dean.”

Dean yanked back his hand. _“_ _Your stupid, idiot Dean._ _”_

 _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t say that,_ _”_ Castiel signed with a frown, and his expression became alarmed when Dean suddenly lurched to his feet, his whole body singing with rage. Castiel followed Dean’s gaze and saw a gang of teenage boys mocking them further down the path, exaggerating their gestures to appear mentally handicapped. They sniggered when Dean stormed toward them, still flapping their hands in an offensive imitation of sign language. Dean yelled at them and they finally scattered, one of them flipping Dean off. Castiel saw Dean bristle and prepare to pursue, and hurriedly raced over to stop him.

“Dean! Stop!” he said, and Dean turned to him, his fists clenching at his sides. “They’re not worth it,” Castiel insisted.

 _“_ _They_ _’_ _re making fun of you,_ _”_ Dean signed furiously, his gestures taut. He nodded over at where the boys had slowed their pace, walking backwards as they continued to ‘sign.’ A muscle in Dean’s jaw twitched. _“_ _They_ _’_ _re making fun of your voice now._ _”_

Castiel grabbed Dean’s hands. “I don’t care,” he said, forcing Dean to meet his eyes. “I’m used to it. Please. It’s not worth getting arrested.”

Dean fought with himself. _“_ _But it_ _’_ _s not right,_ _”_ he signed when he pulled back his hands.

 _“_ _I know. But people will always be cruel,_ _”_ Castiel signed. _“_ _That_ _’_ _s just the way it is._ _”_

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _s stupid._ _”_ Dean signed, and all the fight left him as he closed his eyes and started to shake. _“_ _What am I going to do, Cas? I fucked up. I need this job._ _”_

 _“_ _Here_ _’_ _s what you should do,_ _”_ Castiel signed, cupping Dean’s face and pressing a quick kiss to his lips, wrinkling his nose at the lingering taste of nicotine. _“_ _You should come home with me, text your mother where you are, and watch Dr. Sexy until you fall asleep. Then tomorrow, meet with Ellen and beg for your job back._ _”_  

Dean smirked a little at that. _“_ _Eat some humble pie, huh?_ _”_

Castiel nodded. _“_ _Lots of it._ _”_

 _“_ _I knew you_ _’_ _d know what to do,_ _”_ Dean signed, blushing.

Castiel smiled. _“_ _So that_ _’_ _s why you were loitering in the park like some creeper._ _”_

Dean huffed out a breath. _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t know what else to do. And Balthazar left yesterday, so I figured you_ _’_ _d be around_ _…”_

 _“_ _You don_ _’_ _t need to justify coming to your boyfriend for help,_ _”_ Castiel signed, repeating out loud, “Boyfriend.”

When Castiel returned to the apartment with milk, eggs, and Dean in tow, Anna raised her eyebrows but thankfully said nothing, and that night, Castiel was the big spoon, curling his arms round Dean to remind him that Castiel was there and that Dean was wanted and _loved_. He didn’t let his mind intrude, and just breathed deep, falling asleep with Dean’s smell enfolding him.


	16. Chapter 16

_“_ _Sam, I don_ _’_ _t know how to tell you this, but you_ _’_ _re way off the prompt and I think you need to completely rewrite this._ _”_

Sam’s eyes were comically huge as he stared at Castiel, who calmly folded his paper back to the front page and set it down on the desk in the Writing Center.

_“_ _What? I spent weeks on that and what do you mean I didn_ _’_ _t follow the prompts? I have the exact wording right there and_ _—”_

_“_ _April Fool_ _’_ _s!_ _”_ Castiel signed, and Sam punched him in the shoulder, making a face.

_“_ _Asshole! Don_ _’_ _t do that to me!_ _”_          

 Castiel couldn’t help grinning and chuckling to himself as Sam side-eyed him and huffed, shaking his head.

_“_ _Well, are you going to help me edit this or not?_ _”_ he signed, and Castiel inhaled a breath and re-focused on the paper in front of him, thinking that Dean would be proud.

An hour later, their session at the Writing Center ended and Sam invited Castiel out to lunch.

_“_ _Sorry it_ _’_ _s been so long,_ _”_ Sam signed as they headed to Bean  & Leaf. Castiel waved away his apology, overjoyed that he could step out into weather that was actually warm and smelled like spring. He was wearing his usual trench coat, but with the heat of the sun, he almost didn’t need it.

_“_ _It_ _’_ _s okay. I know you_ _’_ _ve been spending time with Jess,_ _”_ Castiel signed as they slipped inside the café. They ordered sandwiches and made their way to a booth in the back.

Sam nodded. _“_ _And all the guys from town, too. We_ _’_ _ve got some cool debates coming up. I_ _’_ _ve been busy._ _”_ He ducked his head, scanning the room stealthily, and Castiel frowned curiously when Sam turned back to him. _“_ _Okay, and please don_ _’_ _t tell Dean, but I just got a job._ _”_

_“_ _A job?_ _”_

_“_ _A lousy one,_ _”_ Sam confirmed with a nod. _“_ _Just in the printing center. Stuffing envelopes, mostly. Makes my hands dry and gives me paper cuts, but I get paid minimum wage so I can help with groceries._ _”_ Sam lifted his hands, and Castiel saw a Band-Aid wrapped around the middle finger of his left hand.

_“_ _Why don_ _’_ _t you want me to tell Dean?_ _”_

Sam rolled his eyes. _“_ _Are you kidding? Dean thinks it_ _’_ _s up to him to save us, or however he imagines it. He wants me to focus on school and not have to worry about getting a job. He_ _’_ _d tell me to quit if he found out._ _”_

Castiel nodded, his expression wry. _“_ _I suppose that_ _’_ _s true._ _”_

_“_ _So_ _…_ _anything new with you?_ _”_ Sam asked, and Castiel blew out a long sigh.

It had been two weeks since The Roadhouse incident. Dean had taken Castiel’s advice to heart and begged Ellen for his job – Dean later commented that he was grateful he had grown up with Sam, because the kid had puppy dog eyes that could accomplish anything. Though Ellen took pity on him, she gave him his job back under two conditions; the first was that he was demoted to busboy, and the second was that, if he passed probation without any more incidents, he’d be able to get back in the kitchen. She was paying him the same wage, though, and when Dean got his first paycheck and realized it, he vowed to Castiel that he would work his ass off to make it up to her. And he was doing just that, volunteering for more shifts and making it known just how grateful he was.

Castiel loved that about Dean, but of course that meant he had less time to spend with Castiel even after they had promised to make things work, and right now, Castiel really wished he was around. He sighed again.

_“_ _Sam, can I talk to you about something?_ _”_

Sam nodded, his brows knitting. _“_ _Of course. What_ _’_ _s up?_ _”_

Castiel launched into his story about Michael’s extravagant Christmas gift and his incessant emails. The latest one was the most troubling. Michael had set a deadline for the end of April, saying that Castiel needed to make a decision by then or Michael would make it for him. Which, legally, wasn’t true, but Michael had his ways, and he could easily stop helping them with their rent and make his and Anna’s lives miserable.

Castiel couldn’t do that to her, so he when he read his brother’s words, his eyes had flickered to the desk drawer where he had put the check for safe-keeping. It was just sitting there, waiting, and Castiel no longer knew what to feel. Guilt? Apprehension? Rage? Sure, he had started some minimal research into the procedure, but he was nowhere near to making that kind of decision. He needed more information. He needed more…outside opinions.

_“_ _So what would you do?_ _”_ Castiel asked Sam.

_“_ _That_ _’_ _s_ _…_ _tough,_ _”_ Sam signed, chewing his lip. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t know. I mean, it might help, but_ _…_ _the thing is, I_ _’_ _ve always been Deaf. I don_ _’_ _t know how_ not _to be Deaf, you know? And how could I be with Jess and all my friends still? I_ _’_ _d still know signs, and I mean, you wouldn_ _’_ _t hear perfectly with the surgery, but_ _…_ _I don_ _’_ _t know, it would just be weird._ _”_

Castiel nodded, having had the same thoughts. _“_ _So if you had the option, you would say no?_ _”_

Sam squirmed, his mouth quirking. _“_ _At this point, I have no idea. I mean_ _…”_  He broke off, rolling his eyes as he fiddled with his hearing aid. 

_“_ _Are you alright?_ _”_ Castiel asked, and Sam nodded.

_“_ _Stupid thing is breaking, I think. It keeps making these popping noises. Your question comes at a great time._ _”_

Castiel smiled wryly before growing thoughtful. _“_ _What can you hear with that? If you don_ _’_ _t mind my asking._ _”_

_“_ _No, it_ _’_ _s fine,_ _”_ Sam signed, settling back into his chair and sipping at the tea he had ordered. Castiel did the same, waiting for Sam’s answer.

_“_ _It_ _’_ _s mostly big noises, which helps me at least know when people are arriving or leaving or doing certain things. I can hear my brother_ _’_ _s music when he plays it really loud. I mean, it doesn_ _’_ _t sound like it should. I can_ _’_ _t pick out the parts of it, you know, it just sounds like one big noise. But I can tell when it_ _’_ _s playing. Same for people talking. I usually can_ _’_ _t pick out words, but I can hear certain sounds they make. That helped me learn to talk, and just those sounds make it easier for me to read lips._ _”_

Castiel nodded and Sam made a face, adding, _“_ _Oh, and before I forget, please don_ _’_ _t tell my mom or Dean what I said about my hearing aid. I don_ _’_ _t want them to worry about getting a new one. I know we_ _’_ _ve got the house and everything to pay for._ _”_

_“_ _Sam,_ _”_ Castiel signed, concerned, but Sam waved it away.

_“_ _Please?_ _”_

Castiel sighed. _“_ _Fine._ _”_

They were quiet for a moment, finishing their drinks, before Sam spoke up.

_“_ _So what are you going to do? Michael won_ _’_ _t leave you alone, right?_ _”_

_“_ _No. He certainly won_ _’_ _t,_ _”_ Castiel signed wearily. _“_ _I have no idea what I_ _’_ _m going to do. That_ _’_ _s the theme of my life right now. Two stupid jobs, complete dependence on my family. Some college graduate I am._ _”_

_“_ _Come on, your jobs aren_ _’_ _t stupid. You help a lot of people in the writing center. It was thanks to you I got an A on that English paper a while back. You ever think about going into editing or something with English? You_ _’_ _re good at it._ _”_

Castiel shrugged. _“_ _I suppose I could think about it some more. I know I_ _’_ _ve been meaning to write more of my story, too._ _”_

Sam patted his arm. _“_ _Hey, you could be an English professor. Have your summers off to write._ _”_

Castiel nodded slowly. _“_ _Maybe._ _”_

_“_ _And I bet you could get a job here. Muriel and Hannah could give you great references, and you_ _’_ _re already fluent in ASL._ _”_

Castiel smirked. _“_ _When you put it like that, I don_ _’_ _t know why I haven_ _’_ _t thought of it before._ _”_

_“_ _My mom always said you can_ _’_ _t wait for life to be handed to you. You have to seek it for yourself. I_ _’_ _d look into it. Talk to the English professors here, see what they say. Mrs. Hawkins is really great._ _”_

_“_ _Thanks, Sam. You_ _’_ _re wise for someone much younger than me._ _”_

Sam grinned. _“_ _No problem. And it_ _’_ _s been great catching up. Sorry I_ _’_ _ve been so bad at keeping in touch._ _”_

_“_ _At least things are going well with Jess, though?_ _”_

Sam blushed. _“_ _Yeah. It_ _’_ _s good. Really good. She_ _’_ _s coming over this weekend to our_ _–_ _I forgot, you and Anna and Inias are invited to our house this weekend. We_ _’_ _re having a party._ _”_

_“_ _What_ _’_ _s the occasion?_ _”_

Sam shrugged. _“_ _Spring? Mom just said that we deserve to have fun every once in a while. I think she_ _’_ _s invited some of our family, too. You_ _’_ _ll get to meet our cousins and grandparents if you come._ _”_

Castiel sucked in a breath at that, not knowing how he would introduce himself. Was he just Dean’s friend to them, or his boyfriend? Was Dean out of the closet with the rest of his family? Could his family sign?

_“_ _If you can_ _’_ _t make it, that_ _’_ _s okay,_ _”_ Sam signed.

Castiel shook his head. _“_ _I work half the day but I should be able to come after. I_ _’_ _ll ask Anna and see what she wants to do._ _”_

_“_ _Cool. Well, I_ _’_ _ve got to run to class soon, but it was good seeing you. We should do this again soon. And please remember what I said about not telling Dean or my mom._ _”_

Castiel nodded. _“_ _Of course._ _”_

With that, Sam waved and swept out of the café, leaving his dirty plate on the table for Castiel to clean up. Castiel scowled after him, but it was affectionate.

Was this what it was like to have a younger sibling?

* * *

It turned out that Anna had made plans to go to a concert with Inias, so Castiel flew solo to the Winchester’s home for their party. Their driveway was filled with cars, so Castiel parked farther down the street, approaching the home with a bag of chips under his arm, which he had picked up on the way there. The party had started over an hour ago, but Castiel had only just gotten out of work, so he picked up his gait, hoping to make his entrance as smooth as possible even though he was very late.

Castiel needn’t have worried, because no one was inside when he slipped through the front door. In fact, the whole house was empty. Seeing as it was sunny and warm, especially for the beginning of April, he guessed – correctly – that everyone was outside, relishing the good weather. The back porch was filled with people, and Castiel peered through the sliding door. Sam appeared and guided him outside.

Castiel went and set his bag of chips down on the food table, inhaling the scent of grilling meat as an older man opened the lid and a puff of smoke billowed out. Castiel’s mouth watered, feeling his stomach rumble as he realized he hadn’t eaten in five, no six, hours. He was tempted to dig into the hors d’oeuvres, and couldn’t stop himself from dipping some carrots in vegetable dip and stuffing them in his mouth.

Which is how he found himself cornered by two of Sam’s cousins, he presumed, as they eyed him shrewdly. Castiel swallowed hard and gave an awkward wave, quickly pointing at his ears and shaking his head. The man, white, with a wily sort of face, assumed a mocking expression as he spoke, clearly saying nothing but ‘blah’ but still finding it funny because apparently Castiel couldn’t understand him. The woman, a white, curly-haired brunette, whacked him across the chest with an expression that said something like ‘behave’ and the man shut up, extending a hand. The woman reminded Castiel of a scene from months ago, when he had seen Dean speaking with a similarly-featured woman in the library. Only, that woman had been with a child, and there were no children here. Did that mean she wasn’t part of their family? Just who had that mystery woman been, anyways?

Castiel snapped out of it to shake the man’s hand, hoping his face didn’t betray how much he disliked him. Then again, that was his default face, so Castiel had a feeling he’d gotten away with it when the woman took her turn to shake his hand.

_“_ _Hi, I_ _’_ _m Gwen,_ _”_ she signed. _“_ _And this is Christian. You_ _’_ _re Deaf?_ _”_

He nodded, thinking that was obvious.

_“_ _Castiel,_ _”_ Castiel signed back, watching Gwen frown as she attempted to decipher his signs. When she didn’t appear to understand, Castiel withdrew his ever-present notebook (thank goodness he remembered this time) and wrote his name, saying he was a friend of Dean’s. Gwen and Christian read the note and nodded, but quickly grew disinterested when Castiel offered nothing else.

When Gwen’s eyes wandered away, Castiel followed her gaze and saw an older woman signing with Mary. Their resemblance was uncanny, and Castiel figured that that must be her mother, Deanna, whom Dean had mentioned he was named after. That meant the older man at the grill was Mary’s father, Samuel. Satisfied that he now knew who everyone was except for a blond-haired man off to the side, Castiel excused himself from Gwen and Christian and made his way over to Sam, who was laughing with Jess as they sat on the stairs. In the dwindling sunlight, Jess’s hair shone radiantly, and Castiel’s mind flickered to Dean and his freckles. That’s when he realized he hadn’t seen Dean at the party at all. Was he at work?

_“_ _Hi, Castiel,_ _”_ Jess greeted him as he sat beside her.

_“_ _Hi, Jess. How are you?_ _”_

Instead of an answer, Castiel was pulled into a hug, which he reciprocated tightly, breathing in her curls.

_“_ _I_ _’_ _m great. You?_ _”_ Jess signed with a smile.

Castiel shrugged in response, his gaze drifting across their backyard. _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t realize there was so much space back here. I_ _’_ _ve barely seen it without snow._ _”_

_“_ _Yeah. I_ _’_ _m glad it_ _’_ _s turning green again,_ _”_ Sam signed close to his chest, making a subtle face as he jerked his head toward his cousins. _“_ _Sorry about them. They_ _’_ _re assholes._ _”_

Castiel snorted. _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t notice. Why did your mom invite them?_ _”_

_“_ _They_ _’_ _ve been bugging us to get together,_ _”_ Sam signed. _“_ _Mom couldn_ _’_ _t say no. We hoped it would just be Grandma and Grandpa, but no, the cousins came, too. They_ _…_ _don_ _’_ _t know how to sign._ _”_

_“_ _Somehow I got that._ _”_

_“_ _Yeah, we were never close_ _…_ _They mostly avoided me growing up,_ _”_ Sam explained. _“_ _Which is why I invited you and Jess. I needed someone to talk to._ _”_

_“_ _What about Dean?_ _”_

At that, Sam smirked. _“_ _He was tired from work so Mom told him he could take a nap. But he_ _’_ _s been up there for a long time_ _…_ _so long that he might miss the entire party._ _”_

Castiel mirrored his smirk. _“_ _Want me to get him then? Make sure he doesn_ _’_ _t miss the fun?_ _”_

_“_ _He can_ _’_ _t avoid it forever,_ _”_ Sam signed, and Jess laughed.

_“_ _You should jump on him,_ _”_ she signed, and Castiel grinned.

_“_ _In the sexy way?_ _”_

Sam’s wrinkled face was worth it. _“_ _Gross. Please don_ _’_ _t. Just make him come down here and suffer with the rest of us._ _”_

_“_ _Will do,_ _”_ Castiel signed as he stood up, heading back into the house and up the stairs. Dean’s door was cracked open, and Castiel peeked through, seeing that Dean was lying, fully-clothed, on top of the covers of his bed, an arm thrown over his eyes. Castiel didn’t know how much Dean had heard of him coming up the stairs, but Castiel was quiet as he pushed open the door and slipped inside. From the way Dean’s lips twitched, quickly to a smile and then flat again, Castiel knew he was awake and had heard him. Still, Dean kept up the charade of faking sleep, so Castiel stood at the end of his bed and pondered his options.

Did Dean know it would be Castiel up here, or was he expecting Sam or his mom?

Castiel’s lips spread into a slow, devious smile. Dropping to his knees, Castiel started by tickling Dean’s toes through his holey socks, ducking his head when he felt Dean shift as if to look for him. When he was still again, Castiel rose up and saw that Dean was keeping his eyes closed, though he was fully smiling now. Without waiting, Castiel pounced forward, dragging his whole body onto the bed in an extremely uncoordinated movement. He crawled over Dean’s body and poised above him, his knees bent at Dean’s sides and his face hovering just above Dean’s. It took a second for his brain to catch up and realize just how sexual a position this was, and he was so distracted that he jumped up when Dean leaned up to kiss his nose.

_“_ _I was hoping that was you and not Sam,_ _”_ Dean signed awkwardly with a grin, seeing as his arms were boxed in by Castiel’s body.

Castiel huffed out a laugh, which made Dean close his eyes at the whoosh of air in his face. It was such a cute reaction that Castiel felt no hesitation in bringing their lips together, feeling Dean smile and sigh into his mouth. Castiel found himself just enjoying the sensation, gasping when he leaned his body into Dean’s and Dean responded by rolling his hips upward, shooting pleasure through Castiel’s groin as his knee pressed into Castiel’s cock. Castiel groaned loudly in surprise and broke off the kiss, feeling Dean shaking beneath him. Glancing up, he saw that Dean was laughing and had a finger to his lips in the universal shushing gesture. Castiel sat back to sign, straddling Dean’s body as he blushed.

_“_ _What? It felt good,_ _”_ he signed, his face still flaming.

Dean’s eyes twinkled as he smirked. _“_ _Yeah, but there are other hearing people here! Which is too bad. You look good like this._ _”_ He eyed Castiel up and down, and Castiel figured his cheeks were burning even hotter as his heart stuttered in arousal. When Dean laughed at his reaction, Castiel knew he had to play dirty. Leaning forward again, he whispered into Dean’s ear.

“Your family’s outside, and you look _so good_ under me.”

Dean blew a sharp breath at Castiel’s face as his hips bucked of their own accord, making Castiel teeter as he kept his balance. Dean’s pupils were dilated.

“Asshole,” Dean said with a mock pout, which Castiel easily read from his lips. 

“You love it,” Castiel said, and as they gazed at each other, their teasing faded. _“_ _I came to bring you to the party,_ _”_ Castiel signed, and Dean stuck out his tongue.

_“_ _Can_ _’_ _t we just stay up here and enjoy this?_ _”_

_“_ _I know, but we should go,_ _”_ Castiel signed back, and Dean grimaced as he threw his head back into the pillow.

_“_ _Do we have to?_ _”_

_“_ _Yes, we do. Now come on._ _”_

When Dean was quiet, Castiel clambered over his body to sit on the bed, dangling his legs over the side and shifting so he could touch Dean’s upturned face.

 “Your family’s waiting,” Castiel said, not wanting to remove his hands from where his thumbs were stroking circles along Dean’s jawline. Dean’s eyes were closed, and Castiel felt a vibration from his voice that made him think Dean was sighing. At last, the Winchester nodded and pulled away, standing up and reinstalling the mask.

_“_ _So which of the assholes in my family have you met?_ _”_

* * *

The rest of the party was more interesting with Dean there. Castiel’s favorite part was watching Dean interact with his grandmother, who obviously adored him. She was just shy of pinching his cheeks half the time, and Castiel had to stuff his fist in his mouth to keep from sniggering at Dean’s expression, which was struggling to maintain its manliness even though he clearly loved the attention.

With Dean talking to his grandmother, Mary with her father, the cousins with each other, and Sam with Jess, Castiel found himself alone. He took up his usual position of awkwardly creeping at the fringes, staring at people and wondering if they would come and talk to him. As he was Deaf _and_ a relative stranger, he doubted anyone but the main Winchesters would approach him, and he was right. It wasn’t the first time, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last time Castiel would be excluded, but it still hurt, and after a torturously long half hour, Castiel went up to Sam, made excuses for leaving, and waved goodbye to Mary and Dean. He told the Campbells he was glad to have met them and bowed out, walking quickly to his car and mentally planning the rest of his evening. It was still light out, so if he hurried, he could make it home and go for a run.

Which is exactly what he did.

The run was a balm on his mind, a soothing, rhythmic presence of repetition. His feet pounded on the concrete, his breaths pumped in his lungs, his muscles strained and stretched. It was just what he needed, and by the time he made it home, he was sweaty yet satisfied, all his lingering thoughts relegated to the back of his head. That is, until he glanced at his phone and saw he had six unread texts. He scanned them quickly, having expected the apologies from Sam and Dean and even one made on behalf of Mary. But what he hadn’t expected was for Dean to initiate some odd version of phone sex.

**wanna see u. wanna touch u. when can i see u?**

Castiel’s insides fluttered and heated up as he stripped and stepped into the shower, wondering how he should reply. Dean’s words distracted him. 

Dean wanted him. Dean _wanted_ him.

The steady hot water beat against his back as Castiel thought of Dean, of how good he was, how he took care of others but not himself, how much he cared about his family and those he loved. Maybe Castiel was included in that. Castiel’s breath hitched, and he realized his hand was absently stroking his cock. It had been a while since he had done this so lazily, but here he was, letting the smooth slide of his hand make pleasure shiver up his body.

Now he could picture Dean in his bed, his eyes creased with laughter, his face dotted with freckles that trailed lower and lower… Castiel wanted to see them all, use his finger to connect the dots and map out Dean’s body. He wanted to touch him everywhere, press into his flesh, taste him, breathe him in, bask in the scent that was Dean. Would it smell the same down there, down past the dark curls, down where Dean’s cock was straining upward, curved and flushed and ready? Castiel only felt it through their clothes when Dean grinded into him, that warm line against his thigh. What would it feel like to have Dean panting beneath him, hot and hard, their skin sticky as they pressed together, rubbing, the friction heating them up, their pulses pounding—

All at once Castiel went lightheaded and he threw his head back, his mouth parting in an ‘O’ as his knees buckled. Steadying himself against the shower wall, breathing hard, Castiel watched his come swirl down the drain.

Castiel leaned back, letting the hot water massage his scalp. They were so close to being ready…so close…Castiel just needed to turn off his brain and _feel_. And he couldn’t wait to feel Dean, flesh on flesh, quivering and warm and… It was far too soon to get so aroused again, and Castiel laughed softly to himself as he stared at his cock, which was twitching now even though it would take some time to recover. Castiel shut off the shower and put his forehead against the wall.

**Soon** , he texted Dean. Soon.


	17. Chapter 17

Sooner turned out to be later. Dean and Castiel were both so busy that they didn’t meet again until the third week of April. It was a rare afternoon off for Dean, who had been sent home early by his boss, Bobby. According to Dean, Bobby said they were for once caught up in the shop and he didn’t want Dean there just sitting with his thumbs in his ass.

 _“_ _An eloquent man,_ _”_ Castiel commented as Dean took a seat on the couch. Anna was at work and Castiel had done a shift at the library that morning, so it was just the two of them in the small apartment. That much was made obvious when the conversation dropped, and their eyes wandered around, each one waiting for the other to start.

It was Dean who spoke up first.

 _“_ _I'_ _ve missed you._ _”_

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _ve missed you, too._ _”_

 _“_ _Wanna make out?_ _”_

 _“_ _Okay._ _”_

And that was how it went for a while, small, gentle kisses at first, growing as Dean pulled away from his lips to nip at his neck and collarbone. Castiel arched against him and made a dissatisfied noise when Dean sat back, his face flushed and looking somewhat embarrassed.

 _“_ _So_ _…_ _communication, right?_ _”_ When Castiel nodded, frowning, Dean continued, _“_ _I was thinking_ _…”_ He blushed, and there was a glint of shyness in his expression that Castiel understood when Dean finally signed. _“_ _How do you feel about me sucking your dick?_ _”_

Castiel’s breath lurched in his lungs. He must’ve read that wrong. He must’ve. Dean wouldn’t say…

But Dean was smiling, a little unsurely now as he glanced away sheepishly and signed, _“_ _We don_ _’_ _t have to. If you don_ _’_ _t feel comfortable, that is...._ _”_

“Are you…are you serious?” Castiel spoke out loud, his hands frozen.

Dean turned to meet his eyes. _“_ _That I want to suck your dick?_ _”_ He blushed again and nodded. _“_ _Yes. I_ _…_ _want to suck your dick._ _”_

“Oh my god, _yes_ ,” Castiel blurted out, his heart hammering in his chest. “I…would like it if you sucked my dick.” That was probably the dirtiest thing he had said aloud in a long time.

Dean’s eyes popped and then he burst out laughing. _“_ _You sound like you_ _’_ _re accepting a formal invitation!_ _”_

Castiel laughed as well, picturing something out of _Pride and Prejudice_ , like a gentleman in a frock coat and an envelope on a silver tray with a polite request written in cursive. _May I have the honor of sucking your dick?_

Suddenly, Castiel was crying he was laughing so hard, and now Dean had joined him, breaking the tension as they collapsed onto the ground, red-faced. When they had calmed enough to catch their breaths, they glanced at each other and then they were making out again. Castiel went for the tongue, dirty and wet, smiling into Dean’s mouth as their fingers were entwined and they were maneuvering back onto the couch with Castiel on the bottom. This time, when Dean grinded against him, Castiel was beyond ready for it, and could tell he was making some kind of whimpering noises because Dean kept pausing to close his eyes and swallow hard, trying to control himself.

 _“_ _Fuck you_ _’_ _re so hot,_ _”_ Dean signed, his gestures sloppy before he captured Castiel’s mouth in a searing kiss to emphasize how much he loved it. He pulled back suddenly, making Castiel frown in confusion. _“_ _This is definitely okay, right? This is good?_ _”_

Castiel melted at the genuine concern in Dean’s eyes. He arched up to cup Dean’s face in his hands, admiring his bruised, plush lips and imagining them going elsewhere…

“This is perfect. You’re perfect. Please suck my dick,” Castiel said. Some abstract part of his mind thought it was good to practice speaking when he was so otherwise compromised. Maybe now it would flow more naturally.

Dean laughed at that, his face tingeing pink.

“Do I have to tell you twice?” Castiel demanded as he lay back, making his voice go low and enjoying as Dean shuddered above him.

 _“_ _Your voice, fuck!_ _”_ he signed before crawling backward on the couch, straddling Castiel’s legs, his hands poised above the zipper of Castiel’s jeans. They stared at each other for a moment, assessing, and Castiel nodded, breathless and terrified but wanting this so bad it _hurt_.

Still, it was very odd feeling another man’s hands in his pants, and Castiel nearly laughed at the absurdity of it until Dean’s hands were on him, and then he couldn’t suppress a groan. Dean’s touch was feathery light, exaggeratedly gentle, and Castiel didn’t hold back groaning again once he was free of all confining fabric. His cock bobbed against his shirt, leaking pre-come, and Castiel watched Dean’s eyes fixate on it, his pupils dilating. Dean swallowed heavily, and Castiel remembered that this was probably a first for both of them.

“Dean, are you okay?” Castiel asked, and only then did he start feeling awkward lying there on his couch, fully dressed except for his cock hanging out of his pants.

Dean nodded and then grinned. _“_ _I_ _’_ _ve thought about this a lot,_ _”_ he signed, and Castiel felt his dick twitch at that, apparently happy to be included in Dean’s fantasies. Dean smirked, noticing the movement, and he made sure to meet Castiel’s eyes as he signed, _“_ _I_ _’_ _m hungry for your dick. Starving_ _._ _”_

 Castiel moaned, arching involuntarily and wondering just why that was so _hot_. He forced his eyes open to regard Dean.

 _“_ _See? I figured out that you can sign dirty. You like that, huh?_ _”_ Dean waggled his eyebrows.

“Yes, thank you, now put your cock-sucking lips around my dick,” Castiel said, using his low voice again but this time eliciting a laugh from Dean.

 _“_ _Holy shit, where did you pull that from?_ _”_ he signed, and then a thought made him laugh harder. _“_ _Shit, you have to find porn with closed captions, don_ _’_ _t you?_ _”_

Castiel was blushing now, and he shifted his hips, his cock so hard that it ached.

“Don’t make fun of me when I’m like this,” he whined, and Dean’s gaze swept over his body, landing on his face and growing soft. He reached up to brush Castiel’s cheek, and Castiel jerked because Dean’s other hand had found his cock, and was stroking it now.

“Dean…Dean…I’m not used to…if you don’t I’m going to…” Castiel babbled breathlessly, and Dean just grinned before ducking down until his face was level with his crotch. Castiel was shaking now, from both anticipation and nervousness, and he saw that Dean was feeling similarly as the smile was replaced by a determined line.

“Dean,” Castiel said, and Dean finally glanced up at him. “We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”

At that, Dean squared his jaw, and with a fierce look, he didn’t break eye contact as he took Castiel’s head into his mouth. Castiel twitched as a low moan was punched out of him. Holy _fuck_ Castiel would never be able to replicate that feeling of hot, tight suction.

Dean started to experiment, carefully documenting Castiel’s reactions as he swirled his tongue around and released Castiel to lick along the shaft, bringing up his hands to cup Castiel’s balls. Even though Dean caught his teeth a few times and made Castiel wince, everything else he did had Castiel writhing, though it was when Dean teased his slit with his tongue that Castiel nearly arched off the couch, his eyes rolling back.

When he recovered enough to glance back down, Castiel watched Dean smile as he repeated the motion, sucking the head and pumping the shaft with his hands. Castiel could no longer control himself and started to thrust in earnest, trying to keep it shallow, though he felt Dean choke a few times as he went too deep.

“Sorry, sorry,” Castiel panted as he brushed his fingers through Dean’s hair, wishing there was more to grip.

Dean shook his head slightly as if to say it was okay, and then he nodded, allowing Castiel to fuck his mouth. It took only a few more thrusts before Castiel felt the heat building in his abdomen.

 “Dean, I’m going to—!” Castiel warned, and Dean pulled off at the last second, a trail of spit extending from his mouth, as Castiel tensed and came hard, his hips snapping to shoot his release all over Dean’s face. Dean closed his eyes to the onslaught and Castiel lost sight of him as he squeezed his own eyes shut, his breaths coming hard through his nose. When his cock stopped twitching, his muscles finally relaxed, and Castiel sank back into the couch, boneless. 

Waving at Dean, Castiel murmured an apology, but Dean just grinned, darting out his tongue to taste some of the come dripping down his cheek.

 _“_ _Come doesn_ _’_ _t taste how I expected,_ _”_ Dean signed, breathing hard, and Castiel was so blissed out that it was the most hilarious thing he had ever heard. He laughed, his gut straining with the effort, and then he was sitting up, his eyes drifting down to Dean’s hands, which were tightly gripping his crotch. Castiel’s mouth salivated as his eyes focused on the bulge, watching Dean shift, uncomfortably hard.

 “I want to taste you,” Castiel said, and Dean’s knuckles whitened as his face fell forward, his whole body shuddering. He shook his head, slowly releasing his hands to sign.

 _“_ _Maybe next time. I don_ _’_ _t think I_ _’_ _ll last long enough._ _”_

“Okay. Let me help you.” Castiel batted Dean’s hands away and fumbled with the zipper on Dean’s jeans, his whole body still trembling from his orgasm. When he finally managed it, he rooted through the rough and then soft fabric, feeling the warm hardness of Dean and gently closing his hands around it. He found the slit in Dean’s underwear and pulled him out, marveling at the weight and the velvety-smooth feel of his skin, pulsing under Castiel’s fingertips as it strained with blood. There was a sharp tang to Dean’s scent when he was fully out, and Castiel breathed it in, smearing pre-come over the head before bending to kiss it, causing Dean to shiver and laugh.

Dean grabbed his hand and guided Castiel toward his cheek, where Castiel wiped his own cooling come off Dean’s face and applied it to his cock, slicking it up so Castiel could easily grip and tug. That Dean was mixing their scents had Castiel groaning again, and he pulled roughly at Dean, finding a rhythm and applying techniques he used on himself. Dean threw his head back, his mouth parted and his eyes squinted in pleasure. His hands found Castiel’s hair and gripped there, hard enough to make Castiel cry out, and then Dean was coming, painting Castiel’s shirt.

They both came down, breathless, sprawling on opposite sides of the couch but facing each other. It was a few minutes before either could speak, and both of their signing was sloppy and uncoordinated.

 _“_ _You okay, Cas?_ _”_ Dean signed and Castiel nodded.

 _“_ _I can_ _’_ _t believe that just happened. In my living room. On my couch._ _”_

 _“_ _Come on, we didn_ _’_ _t get it dirty or anything._ _”_

Castiel tilted his head in acknowledgement, and then a slow smirk spread on his face.

 _“_ _What?_ _”_ Dean asked.

 _“_ _You were hungry for my dick? Really, Dean?_ _”_

Dean squirmed. _“_ _I watch a lot of porn, okay? And it turned you on, right? So shut up._ _”_

Castiel laughed. _“_ _It sounds so weird out of context. Like some sort of commercial for breakfast cereal._ _”_

Dean shot him a strange look. _“_ _You don_ _’_ _t have to tell me all of your thoughts you know. I could_ _’_ _ve gone without that image._ _”_

 _“_ _What image?_ _”_

Dean grimaced. _“_ _You know, like a bunch of kids and dicks and_ _…_ _oh great, now I_ _’_ _m scarred for life._ _”_

Castiel’s shoulders shook with laughter. _“_ _Part of a balanced breakfast!_ _”_

Dean reached over and whacked him, and Castiel laughed until he realized he was still exposed. He covered his crotch with his hands, scowling.

“Careful of the merchandise!” he said, repeating it when Dean had trouble understanding.

 _“_ _Come on, don_ _’_ _t hide it! I was enjoying the view,_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel shyly removed his hands. And there it was, his cock in plain view, and there was Dean’s, and why did Castiel think this would be super weird again? Penises were penises, right?

Dean tucked himself back into his pants and Castiel followed suit, pulling off his t-shirt and folding it with the come-encrusted side in. He would bury that shirt _deep_ in the laundry basket. When he turned back around, Dean was crossing to the bathroom, no doubt to wash the come off his face, and when he came back out, Castiel was posing on the couch, soaking up Dean’s gaze as it raked over his bare torso.

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _re so hot,_ _”_ Dean signed.                                                

 _“_ _That_ _’_ _s what I get for running. You know, exercise?_ _”_ Castiel teased, and Dean frowned.

 _“_ _When would I have time for that? I barely have time for this,_ _”_ he signed, gesturing between them, and there was so much truth in the statement that Castiel sat up and indicated for Dean to come sit with him. Castiel pulled Dean into his arms when he got closer, nosing into his neck and feeling Dean sigh.

“Let’s just enjoy this time while we can,” Castiel said. “Live in the present moment. Do what we can.”

Dean pulled away so he could sign.

 _“_ _Okay. I can do that._ _”_

Then they were kissing again, slow and sweet, and Castiel had never been happier.

* * *

 A week later was when it first happened. Dean was over Castiel’s apartment, and they were trying not to jostle each other as they prepared a meatloaf and other fixings in the tiny kitchen. Dean was elbows deep in the mixing bowl as he combined the ground beef, egg, and veggies to form a loaf. Castiel had his back turned, focused on chopping potatoes, but glanced back at Dean when he felt the tip of Dean’s foot nudge his calf.

Dean lifted his hands from the bowl, trying to sign around the mess on his fingers, and Castiel had to duck to avoid a piece of flying carrot. Dean rolled his eyes and jerked his head down, mouthing a word that took a few moments to click. Castiel nodded and reached for the buzzing phone in his pocket, grinning lecherously as he slid his hands around Dean’s thighs. Dean wriggled and batted at him with his elbow, still holding up his dirty hands and trying not to touch anything. By the time Castiel removed the phone the call had ended, and he saw that it was a missed call from someone named Lisa.

“Lisa?” he asked, and Dean went very still. Castiel frowned, wracking his brain, but he couldn’t remember Dean ever mentioning that name. “Who is she?” he added, watching Dean as he stalked over to the sink to wash his hands. After drying them, he grabbed his phone from Castiel and apologized before excusing himself to the privacy of Castiel’s bedroom. Castiel stared after him, concerned, but went back to the potatoes, attempting to chop them using the method Dean had taught him. 

A few minutes later, Dean emerged from the bedroom, a serious expression on his face. He made more apologies and told Castiel he had to run.

 _“_ _An emergency?_ _”_ Castiel signed and Dean gave a half-shrug.

 _“_ _Kind of. But I need to go. I don_ _’_ _t think I_ _’_ _ll be able to get back tonight. Sorry._ _”_ He pulled Castiel into a kiss before heading out the door.

Castiel swallowed his disappointment, tamping down the anticipation in his gut. He had hoped they might do some more exploration tonight… He sighed and finished dinner on his own, wishing Dean was there to make his delicious meatloaf glaze, all the while wondering just who this Lisa woman was to Dean, and if she was alright.

Little did he know that this wouldn’t be the last time he’d think of Lisa. In fact, as the days passed, Castiel thought of her a lot, especially when Dean began canceling his and Castiel’s plans. At first, there were innocent excuses: running errands, filling in for a co-worker, that sort of thing. But then it came to Dean mentioning appointments with ridiculous-sounding doctor names, and ‘family time’ that was denied by Sam when Castiel texted him.

Talk about whiplash. Here Castiel was, thinking they had conquered a major milestone in their relationship, and now Dean was acting suspicious. Castiel tried not to agonize over it, but what was he supposed to think? Did Dean not want to be with him anymore? Was it because Castiel couldn’t hear? If that wasn’t it, then what was it that made Dean feel he had to lie? Was it something shameful, something he was hiding from his family? Neither Mary nor Sam indicated anything was strange about Dean’s evasive behavior, and Castiel refused to go behind Dean’s back to ask them if they knew what was going on. Castiel still hoped – perhaps foolishly – that Dean would come to him and explain once the situation was taken care of.

But when would that be?

Suddenly, Michael’s deadline loomed and Castiel had no idea what to do. He had talked with everyone he knew to get their opinions, but none of them had helped him make his decision about the implants. April was ending tomorrow, and Castiel would have to choose. He knew if he didn’t provide an answer, his brother would email him, pester Anna to get to him, and possibly fly over if Castiel remained stubborn. Castiel had no doubt that, in person, Michael would get exactly what he wanted, especially since he had gotten Anna on his side.

 _“_ _You look into the cochlear implants?_ _”_ Anna had started asking at breakfast.

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _ve got free time now to do some research,_ _”_ she would suggest when he got home from work.

 _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t you want to make sure you give Michael the right answer?_ _”_ she would comment as Castiel was washing the dishes.

 _“_ _Stop being lazy! You don_ _’_ _t have much time left,_ _”_ she would sign whenever Castiel was attempting to text Dean to see when they could next hang out.

Each time, Castiel tried not to get mad at her, but it was frustrating even _looking_ at her, since she would pointedly raise her eyebrows.

Castiel got used to swallowing his retorts and instead of exploding at her, he holed himself up in his room and grumbled about his interfering siblings to no one but himself. Balthazar had found a temp job and was working overtime, making it impossible to Skype. Sam was overwhelmed with end-of-semester work, and Dean…well, Dean’s promise to spend more time with Castiel was laughable.

So what was he going to do?                

Castiel sighed, thumping his forehead against the Biography stacks. All day his movements had been sluggish, his mind far away as his body operated on auto-pilot. He wished he could go home and sleep long enough for tomorrow to be over so he wouldn’t have to confront Michael. Even better – if he could sleep longer, he could forget his problems with Dean, and pretend that, after their first time, they had shared blissful weeks together instead of Dean leaving Castiel alone to wonder what he had done wrong to drive him away.

Castiel was abruptly jolted from his thoughts when he turned to see one of the younger reference librarians, a blonde named Rachel, jogging down the aisle, waving her arms. Castiel frowned at her, pulling out his notebook, and he was just reaching for his pen when Dean appeared behind her. Castiel blinked at them both as Rachel recognized Dean, speaking to him briefly and gesturing toward the ceiling before departing just as quickly as she had arrived. Castiel stared after her and turned to Dean quizzically, noting a sense of urgency to his features.

 _“_ _Fire alarm,_ _”_ he signed, and Castiel took a few steps forward and glanced up, noting the flashing light in the corner that was impossible to see in the exact spot he had been shelving. No wonder Rachel had charged up here so quickly, having glanced at the shelving log to find exactly where Castiel was.

 _“_ _Thank you,_ _”_ Castiel signed, too tired to focus on speaking. He brushed past Dean, not bothering to move quickly since he didn’t smell smoke, knowing it was highly likely that it was just dust that had set it off again. A few steps later, Dean caught up with him, gripping his shoulder and forcing him to spin around and face him. 

Castiel was just about to sign when Dean pulled him into a hug, wrapping him up tight. Castiel was too shocked to do anything but stand there, and he sensed Dean’s disappointment when Dean stepped back, his face sad.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m sorry I_ _’_ _ve been so awful, Cas,_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel shrugged.

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _s fine. I just wish you could_ _’_ _ve told me._ _”_

Dean cocked his head. _“_ _Told you what?_ _”_

Castiel sighed. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t want to talk about it here. Firemen are going to get mad if we don_ _’_ _t leave._ _”_

 _“_ _No, wait. What are you talking about? I know I_ _’_ _ve been stupidly busy, but I still want to see you. I still_ _…_ _want to be with you. Unless_ _…”_ he trailed off, looking vulnerable as he hunched his shoulders.

Castiel stared at Dean. Had he had gotten it wrong? Dean _did_ look earnest. Was it possible that it was all in Castiel’s head, that his apprehension about the cochlear implants had somehow projected itself onto Dean and made up things that weren’t really there?

 _“_ _Things got crazy all of a sudden,_ _”_ Dean signed. _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t mean to cut you off. I_ _’_ _m really sorry. Oh, and I finally got to talk to Bobby and Ellen and it looks like I can get every other Saturday off so we can_ _…_ _you know, if you still want to._ _”_

Castiel’s expression softened, but something still nagged at him.

 _“_ _Is Lisa alright?_ _”_

 _“_ _Lisa?_ _”_ Dean signed, nodding. _“_ _Yeah, she_ _’_ _s good._ _”_ He forced a smile.

 _“_ _Who is she?_ _”_ Castiel asked. _“_ _You_ _’_ _ve never spoken of her before._ _”_

Dean shuffled on his feet. _“_ _She_ _’_ _s an old friend. I met her in high school. There was a family emergency so I was just helping her out._ _”_ He shrugged and then glanced around, his expression suddenly serious. _“_ _We need to get out, you know. The fire alarm_ _’_ _s still going off._ _”_

At Dean’s genuine concern, Castiel finally let himself relax. As he slumped in relief, he reeled Dean in for a proper hug, throwing his arms over him and just breathing in the smell of him, feeling the solid warmth of his body. Dean was still leaving something out, and he hadn’t explained why he lied, but at least it wasn’t Castiel’s fault.  

They pulled apart only when another librarian appeared to wave at them and get them to leave. Castiel gripped Dean’s arm and they hurriedly exited the building toward the street. A small crowd was already gathered out there, and many of the patrons milling about looked annoyed while several staff members tried to herd them further away from the building. Fire trucks rounded the corner, their lights flashing and their sirens probably blaring, and Castiel and Dean, plus several others, stepped aside to form an aisle so that the firemen could access the building. Passersby glanced over at the library in curiosity before going back to their own business, and Castiel looked to Dean when Dean threw an arm over his shoulders and clutched him tightly. 

“Dean, are you alright?” Castiel asked out loud, enjoying the contact too much to shift so he could sign.

Dean inhaled a shaky breath, nodding slowly.

“What’s wrong?”

Dean eyed Castiel as he signed one-handedly, _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t like fire._ _”_

 _“_ _Did something happen?_ _”_ Castiel signed, pulling away slightly as he recognized the need for a private conversation.

Dean stared at the ground. _“_ _When I was four, shortly after Sammy was born, we had a fire in our house. Some electric problems I guess. My dad had me carry Sam out of the house while he got Mom, who almost got trapped behind the flames. I remember the heat, the smoke. I remember her screaming_ _…_ _thank God they got out._ _”_

Castiel squeezed Dean soothingly as firemen darted into the building, some carrying hatchets. Many of them were young, and Castiel blinked in surprise when he saw Benny among them, decked out in a full uniform.

 _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t know Benny was a fireman._ _”_

 _“_ _Yeah, right?_ _”_ Dean relaxed somewhat as the minutes ticked by. It helped that the firemen were slowing down, not rushing or frenzied, which meant that nothing was wrong. Castiel frowned wryly at Dean, whose gaze was locked on one of the younger rather attractive firemen.

Castiel cleared his throat. “I’m standing right here you know.”

Dean smirked. _“_ _You jealous?_ _”_

Castiel switched to signing. _“_ _Yes. I_ _’_ _ve missed you. You_ _’_ _ve denied me the pleasure of getting to taste you._ _”_

Dean blinked, his eyes widening.

 _“_ _Yes, you know what I said, so don_ _’_ _t give me that look. It_ _’_ _s been almost two weeks. What do you expect?_ _”_

Dean shook his head, a grin tugging at his lips. _“_ _What have I created?_ _”_

 _“_ _When are you free?_ _”_ Castiel continued, undeterred. _“_ _My shift ends in a few minutes._ _”_

 _“_ _Yeah, I know, that_ _’_ _s why I came to see if I could pick you up. Did you bring your car?_ _”_

Castiel shook his head. No, he had run to the library and changed in the bathroom, hoping to clear his head and give him more energy, though that had failed until now.

 _“_ _Awesome. Well, I_ _’_ _m off tonight,_ _”_ Dean signed.

Then it was Castiel’s turn to grin. Not all was forgiven, but this would help. He could use a good distraction.

  _“_ _Good,_ _”_ he signed. _“_ _Because I_ _’_ _ve got some ideas._ _”_


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for slight dom/sub overtones.

Riding in the Impala with Dean was always an experience. This time around, they were both excited and fidgety. Dean cranked up his music just the way Castiel liked it, and the vibrations pounded through him as Dean drove and sang along, tapping his hands on the steering wheel. Castiel loved just watching the way music lit him up from the inside. Part of him knew Dean was still hiding something, potentially a big something, but for right now, Castiel was tired of worrying. Dean still wanted him, and that was all that mattered.

Once they got to Castiel’s apartment and closed the door, Castiel shoved Dean against the wall and kissed him hard, fiercely licking into his mouth. His body suddenly zinged with energy and he pressed up against Dean’s heat, growing bold as he felt Dean puff breathlessly against his mouth before surging back against him. The scruff of their beards scraped hotly as they shifted, twirling their tongues. Castiel had forgotten how weird it felt, but he wanted more, wanted to chase the arousal curling in his gut. Now that he knew he was allowed, Castiel let none of Dean go untouched, enjoying the different fabrics Dean was wearing as his hands wandered, finally finding Dean’s face and feeling the prickliness of his stubble with his fingertips.

When they pulled apart, they were both breathing hard. Dean’s lips were swollen and red, and his pupils were blown.

 _“_ _Holy shit,_ _”_ he signed, and Castiel laughed at how utterly debauched he looked.

 _“_ _I told you I missed you._ _”_

 _“_ _So_ _…”_ Dean took a moment to breathe. _“_ _What do you want to do? I_ _’_ _m letting you run the show here._ _”_

 _“_ _First I need to shower,_ _”_ Castiel signed, grimacing. He was wearing deodorant, but the sweat from his run had dried beneath his work clothes, and he really wanted to get clean. Plus… A lance of fear shot through him, even as he felt a thrill. He _could_ prepare himself to go all the way with Dean, but was he ready? His heart pounded deafeningly, and he sucked in a breath when Dean’s warm hands cupped his face.

 _“_ _Take a deep breath. You_ _’_ _re hyperventilating,_ _”_ Dean signed as he pulled back, leaving a reassuring hand to trace along Castiel’s jaw. Castiel leaned into his touch, nodding. _“_ _We don_ _’_ _t have to do anything if you don_ _’_ _t want to._ _”_

 _“_ _I know,_ _”_ Castiel signed, trembling, and that’s when he had a flash of inspiration. He brought their lips together and smiled. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m going to shower. But first, I_ _’_ _m going to show you something._ _”_

Dean frowned curiously, allowing Castiel to lead him to his bedroom. There, Castiel rummaged under his bed and pulled out a plastic box. Unceremoniously, he scooted Dean further back and dumped out his collection of toys, lube, and condoms. Dean’s eyes widened and his face grew red as he surveyed the goods, clearly out of his depth.

 _“_ _While I shower, you_ _’_ _re going to try to guess which one_ _’_ _s my favorite,_ _”_ Castiel signed, and Dean shuddered.

 _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t even know what some of these things are_ _._ _”_

Castiel kissed him again, and inhaling a shaky breath, began to peel off his clothes. Dean had seen pieces of it before, but not all together, and Castiel hesitated at his underwear, feeling exposed. Anticipation had already made him half-hard, but it flagged with his nervousness as he carefully stepped out of his boxer briefs, lifting his head to find Dean’s eyes raking over him appreciatively, practically salivating with his mouth hanging open. Emboldened, Castiel struck a pose and even licked his lips for good measure, amused when Dean tracked the motion and shifted, his own arousal becoming apparent.

 _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t worry. I can show you how they work,_ _”_ Castiel signed, wagging his eyebrows at the toys, and Dean closed his eyes, apparently needing a moment. Castiel waited for him to open them before adding, _“_ _The party doesn_ _’_ _t start till I get here. No touching yourself, understand?_ _”_

Dean nodded, and Castiel noted he was breathing hard. _“_ _Asshole, making me wait._ _”_

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _s only fair. And when I get back, you better be naked._ _”_

Dean mock-saluted him even as he swallowed. _“_ _Yes sir._ _”_

Castiel grinned and went to shower.

Needless to say, it was one of the fastest showers of Castiel’s life. Thinking of Dean in the next room just sitting there, anxious and wondering what they were going to do, had Castiel so excited that he didn’t even need to touch himself to get hard. His cock twitched as he thought of Dean watching him, and then of Dean trying toys on himself, and it was all Castiel could do not to come right there. Still, he forced himself to be patient, cleaning himself out even more thoroughly than he would have if it were just him, wanting it to be perfect for Dean. When he deemed himself ready, he stepped into the shroud of mist and dried off, swiping the towel only once through his hair before throwing open the door, not able to wait any longer.

When he got to his room, he groaned at the sight of Dean spread out on his comforter, gloriously naked. His hands were rubbing impatiently at his thighs, and between them, Dean’s cock bobbed at half-mast, starting to fill with blood. Dean gulped when Castiel appeared, and shyly covered himself up for a second before letting his hands drop down to the bed.

Dean was _gorgeous_. Castiel had known that from day one, but seeing Dean like this, so open and trusting, had his heart squeezing even as his cock jumped. There were so many freckles… Castiel wanted to taste them all, and for a moment, he had an out-of-body experience wondering that this was really happening right now, that he really _did_ have a model-like boyfriend posing seductively on his bed next to a pile of sex toys. This was _real_ and it was happening to _Castiel_ who had never in a thousand years thought he would be lucky enough to have something, and someone, like this. How could this be his life?

Castiel shook himself out of it, bringing him back to the present. Dean was eyeing him again, taking it all in, and Castiel gave him a shy smile as he closed his bedroom door and sat on the opposite side of the pile. He raised an eyebrow at Dean, smirking when Dean’s eyes fell on one of the toys.

 _“_ _What the hell is that thing?_ _”_ he signed, and Castiel reached for a blue sleeve. Establishing its elasticity, Castiel showed Dean the nubs on the inside.

 _“_ _You jerk off with that?_ _”_ Dean asked, and Castiel nodded.

 _“_ _Yes. Let me give you a demonstration._ _”_ Castiel winked as he grabbed his bottle of lube and squeezed a dollop on his fingers. Massaging it over his cock, he let out a contented sigh, glad to relieve some of the pressure. Castiel unrolled the sleeve to squirt lube at the tip, and then, catching Dean’s eyes, Castiel stretched it over his cock. Gripping it, Castiel jacked himself slowly, letting out a moan as the nubs brushed over his sensitive skin. This was one of his favorite sleeves, as the lubed top provided great sensations to the glans, teasing the slit and making Castiel shiver with pleasure. He often used this one for a quickie with a twist, but knowing Dean was watching made it feel even more amazing.

Castiel’s whole body felt hot under Dean’s gaze, which was laser-focused on his cock. Castiel began canting his hips, rocking into the sleeve, letting groans pour from his mouth because why not? Anna was out with Inias and Dean was naked and his cock was stiffening, the head flushed red as it strained out. Dean’s chest heaved as he watched, and Castiel felt himself starting to breathe heavily, sweating. He shifted to change the pressure on his muscles and made sure to give Dean a good show, though he cut himself short when he felt the heat pooling in his pelvis.

No, this is not how he would get off for Dean.

Dean looked disappointed when Castiel removed the sleeve and he hazily brought up hands to sign, _“_ _What? That one_ _’_ _s not your favorite?_ _”_

 _"I thought I told you to guess,_ _”_ Castiel teased, smirking as he grabbed a turquoise cock ring. This one was always fun because it had an opening to fit a bullet vibrator into it, making it even more pleasurable. Thankfully the battery was already charged, so Castiel slid the ring on and activated the vibrator, actually thrusting into the air in shock at the sensation even though he was expecting it. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Dean tugging at his own hard cock, biting his lip as he watched, and smug satisfaction filled Castiel, basking him with warmth. He turned the vibrator off and winced as the ring squeezed his cock, but he was nowhere near ready to remove it. He needed to last for the grand finale.

 _“_ _What_ _’_ _s your guess?_ _”_ Castiel asked, slapping at Dean’s hands to stop him from touching himself. Castiel couldn’t hear his groan, but it was written all over his face.

 _“_ _Cas, you_ _’_ _re killing me! Why do I have to guess?_ _”_

 _“_ _Because I said so. And I promise you_ _’_ _ll like it._ _”_

Dean pouted, rolling his eyes, but he scanned Castiel’s collection and gestured vaguely at a plastic cylinder. _“_ _What about that thing? That_ _’_ _s a_ _…_ _pump, right?_ _”_

Castiel nodded, shrugging. _“_ _It_ _’_ _s a pump, but it_ _’_ _s not my favorite. I actually haven_ _’_ _t figured out how to make it work for me yet._ _”_

 _“_ _One of the plugs?_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel grinned at the desperation in his face. His hands were inching toward his cock again, and Castiel grabbed them, planting a kiss on each knuckle as he shook his head. He peeked up at Dean, who pouted again, and then Castiel grabbed his favorite – a purple, vibrating butt plug with a wire and remote attached to it to control the speed. Castiel knew if he angled it just right, it would hit his prostate.

First, he would have to get himself ready. The plug wasn’t big, and he knew he didn’t have to prep very much…but Dean didn’t know that.

Castiel let a sly grin take over his face as he grabbed the bottle of lube and coated his fingers. Dean was frozen as Castiel went to his knees and reached back, circling his rim and then dipping inside. With his cock already straining against the ring, the first intrusion made sparks of pleasure radiate through him, and Castiel teased his flesh, puckering around his finger as he added a second and scissored ever so slightly. Dean’s chest was heaving madly now and his hands were fluttering helplessly at his sides as he tried to control himself.

Castiel didn’t think he’d ever been so turned on in all his life as he was by Dean’s face, glued to him as Castiel inserted the plug. Just breaching the rim, stretching the sensitive flesh and watching Dean, was almost enough to make Castiel come except for the cock ring that just held him back. His mouth parted in a strangled moan as he pulled off the cock ring, releasing his cock, which reared up and bulged with blood. Dean’s was in a similar state, hard and leaking pre-come at the tip. Without thinking, Castiel passed Dean the remote and then leaned down, taking Dean's cock into his mouth.

Dean jumped in surprise and Castiel nearly gagged even as he thrilled at Dean’s tangy taste. This was his first time giving a blow-job, but he was so out of his mind with lust that it didn’t feel weird. Castiel loved the feel of Dean in his mouth, the velvety smooth head, the throbbing ridges of his veins, the hot weight pressing down on his tongue, stretching his lips. Dean's pre-come was salty, bitter, and it was accompanied by the musk that was unmistakably Dean – sweat, motor oil, soap, deodorant. Castiel wanted to nuzzle in the hairs down there, but Dean was big and Castiel was new to this. Already his jaw ached, but he instantly forgot when the plug activated, vibrating just so. Castiel moaned, choking slightly when Dean rocked into his mouth. He felt fingernails clawing at his scalp, and when the vibrating accelerated, Castiel had to pull off to breathe as a powerful orgasm ripped through him.

It was like he couldn’t get enough air. The pleasure was so blinding, so intense, that he was lightheaded for a glorious moment, his vision black and his body straining with release. His hips thrust mindlessly and he had no idea where he was aimed, if he was hitting Dean or ruining his room. Castiel couldn’t find it in him to care even a little bit as he finally came back to awareness. He was kneeling and his leg muscles killed him as he shifted, noting the vibrator was off as his eyes caught sight of Dean lounging back, his own release strewn all over his chest and his eyes half-lidded. Castiel let the plug stay in as he drifted forward, dragging his tongue over the ropes of come, lapping up Dean and tasting him like he had wanted to for so long. When he finished cleaning him, he scooted up to Dean’s face and they kissed long and slow as they both sagged into his bed, sated. At long last, Castiel parted to reach back and remove the plug, setting it on a tissue and letting Dean reel him back into his side as they cuddled together.

 _“_ _That was the hottest thing I_ _’_ _ve ever seen,_ _”_ Dean awkwardly signed to him after a long moment, when Castiel felt his eyelids drooping.

Castiel hummed. _“_ _Glad you liked it,_ _”_ he signed lazily, and Dean pressed a kiss to his sweaty head.

 _“_ _We should shower or else this stuff_ _’_ _s going to dry on. I already feel sticky._ _”_

 _“_ _You work on car engines and get covered in grease all the time. I don_ _’_ _t see why this should bother you,_ _”_ Castiel signed, feeling Dean’s warm huff move through his hair.

 _"Fair enough. But seriously, I_ _’_ _m starting to get itchy._ _”_

Castiel whined as Dean moved, wanting to just curl up in his warmth and stay there forever. A reminder niggled at the back of his head and Castiel grimaced, hiding it from Dean as Dean stood and went to shower.

Castiel was left to clean up their mess. Or rather, _his_ mess, as it appeared he had come all over his comforter while Dean had just gotten himself dirty. Castiel stripped the comforter, put away his clean toys, and set the used ones on the tissue so he could wash them. Dean didn’t take long, and when he came back, he quickly pulled on his clothes, stopping at his jeans and shirt when Castiel shook his head.

 _“_ _I want you as naked as I can get you,_ _”_ he signed, and Dean smirked even as he shivered.

 _“_ _Alright. Same for you then. Your turn in the shower._ _”_ His eyes grew heated. _“_ _Wish I could join you, but you_ _’_ _ve got the smallest shower in the world._ _”_

Castiel nodded, twisting his lips. _“_ _Your house then. When we can._ _”_

Dean grinned and Castiel hurried past him, his toys in his arms.

* * *

They spent the rest of the afternoon lazing around watching TV before both drifting off into a nap, waking when the sun was almost done setting. They raided the kitchen for food, as they were both famished, and it was at the table that Castiel saw the calendar on the wall and wanted to cry.

Dean noticed his look, and Castiel indicated the date.

 _“_ _I have to give Michael my answer tomorrow. I don_ _’_ _t know what to do._ _”_ He gazed at Dean, who appeared thoughtful. _“_ _What would you do?_ _”_

Dean finished chewing his sandwich, thinking hard. At last, he shrugged. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t know. It_ _’_ _ll be a lot to get used to, you know? But_ _…”_ He shook his head abruptly and Castiel prodded him.

 _“_ _But what?_ _”_

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _s nothing._ _”_

 _"Dean, tell me._ _”_

Dean sighed and leveled his gaze with Castiel’s.  _“_ _It_ _’_ _s just_ _…_ _think of if it worked. Think of all the things you could hear. Music, voices_ _…_ _I know they wouldn_ _’_ _t sound perfect, but it_ _’_ _d be something._ _”_ He swallowed and tore his eyes away. _“_ _But that_ _’_ _s just me being selfish._ _”_

Castiel was suddenly struck with the realization that Dean, apart from his other friends and co-workers, was surrounded on a daily basis by Deaf people. His parents were Deaf, his brother was Deaf, heck, even his _boyfriend_ was Deaf. What a world he lived in, and how frustrating it must be to constantly juggle these sides of himself.  

They sat in silence for a while, Castiel’s mind whirring. Hours later, when Anna came home and Dean left, Castiel was still thinking, considering every option, every angle. Finally, as he was lying down to sleep, the conclusion came to him.

It was silly, really, because his fears were unfounded. It wasn’t like getting cochlear implants would boot him from the Deaf community. His friends would still be his friends. He would still know sign language. But this time, he could talk more, engage in conversation by _listening_ , enjoy doing things with some of the people he most loved, like watching movies with Anna without closed captions, or hearing Dean sing…

…maybe.

As much as Castiel smiled to think of the idealistic possibilities, it wouldn’t be easy adjusting to the implants, and in reality, they might not even work. Like hearing aids, they might just amplify indistinguishable noise and still make it impossible for him.

The fact remained that he would never hear again normally. His illness had gone untreated for too long, and the damage was too severe. As much as he initially regretted it, losing his hearing had opened up a whole new world for him, and for once, he felt like he _belonged_ in it. Getting implants might not ruin that, but it could strain it, and Castiel remembered Sam’s thoughts about the implants, how he wouldn’t know how _not_ to be Deaf. Castiel had vague memories of before he lost his hearing, but he understood what Sam was getting at. Castiel hadn’t known who he was when he could hear, and it was almost like he had found himself after going deaf. It was stupid but…as much as he was floundering with his life now, at least he knew, at his core, that this was who he was.

Still…for Dean, for Anna, for _Michael_ , maybe the implants were the best option. Maybe it would be easiest and better for everyone.

* * *

Castiel made his decision.

He had an afternoon shift the next day, so he woke up early and spent the morning of April 30th reading everything Michael had sent him, just to make sure he knew what he was getting into. He read brochures, browsed forums online, watched videos of success stories, and memorized the facts and details. Castiel frowned at all the appointments he would have to make with an audiologist, but then he came across one of Michael’s emails and it appeared his brother had found a well-reputed one an hour away.

It was all there, staring him in the face, and Castiel knew what he had to do, even though something twisted in his gut.

Castiel emailed his brother with words that echoed like the door of a jail cell clanging shut.

 **I** **’** **ve decided to go ahead with the implants.**

Michael was ecstatic, sending a reply as soon as Castiel emailed him. A flurry of emails followed where he had CC’d the rest of their family, and suddenly, there was another gathering planned at Anna’s and Castiel’s apartment, as his brothers all wanted to be there for when it happened. Castiel had to email them back telling them they didn’t need to come – this would be a lengthy process, after all, and he had to make an appointment to see if he even qualified for cochlear implants. As they were supposed to be for people whose inner ear damage was so severe that hearing aids didn’t work, Castiel figured he was a great candidate, but still…his brothers did _not_ need to come all this way for an off-chance that Castiel would be fitted with new, more advanced hearing aids instead of full implants.

But then Gabriel had to be Gabriel, and Castiel banged his head on his desk at his brother’s message, which Lucifer and Michael immediately replied to in agreement.

They wanted to meet Dean. Of course they did. Castiel had only mentioned him to stop Anna from spreading unnecessary gossip, and though he had said they were _just friends_ , Castiel knew it would be all over when they showed up and Gabriel would make some horrifying comment about Castiel’s ‘gayness.’

Castiel sighed. On the one hand, maybe it was time to get his brothers on the same page, to fully come out and let them understand who he was.

On the other hand, perhaps it was the worst time, because what if Michael reacted badly to the news and retracted the money, giving Castiel hope to hear again and then just ripping all that away because of social and moral stigma? That made Castiel squirm because yes, they were religious – they _had_ been at least, he didn’t know if his brothers still practiced or not – and though they had never been part of a group that outright deplored homosexuality, his brother had fierce opinions.

Then of course, there was Dean. Oh gods, they would eat him alive. There was no way Castiel could prepare him for the storm that was the Novak brothers, and he could easily see Dean getting swept away, never looking back as he fled for his life.

Castiel rolled his eyes, annoyed with his dramatic self. Still, a part of him _really_ hoped that Dean would be busy on the dates they were visiting. Michael had managed to squeeze in his appointment at the end of May, so Castiel would at least have time to prepare himself and Dean for the worst. 

Castiel texted Dean the news, first about getting the implants and then about his brothers demanding to meet him, and unfortunately, as he feared, Dean rose to the challenge. Promising to request that day off, Dean’s last text appeared with all the confidence and bravado afforded to words on a screen:

**bring it on, dude**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which Kelly had to look up popular male sex toys and reviews. 
> 
> She learned about many things...and now understands how penis pumps work. Huh.


	19. Chapter 19

In the weeks that followed Castiel’s decision, Castiel found himself restless and unfocused. He couldn’t concentrate on his novel, running started to stress him out, and working became nearly unbearable. Castiel managed to rein himself in, though, because it wasn’t fair to take it out on all the desperate students clamoring for an appointment for the last weeks of school. It was busy at Eden College and Castiel eagerly took on extra shifts, distracting him from his strange frustrations. It helped that Dean, as if to make up for the time he had spent with Lisa, was now making a concerted effort to see Castiel as often as he could, even if was only for a few hours in between shifts. It was enough to make things between them even more heated, and Castiel loved the post-orgasmic bliss that accompanied most of Dean’s visits.

In whatever stolen time they could manage when they were alone, they explored each other’s bodies, sometimes just making out with wandering fingers, other times exchanging hand-jobs or blow-jobs. Castiel was getting better at them for sure, and he had even gotten Dean interested in trying toys for himself, which was fun for both of them. A part of him was still frustrated that they didn’t go out much, but the newness of it all sustained him, or at the very least, kept him from dwelling on unpleasant thoughts. 

It got to the point where Castiel needed, _wanted_ , Dean as often as he could have him. He knew he was being unfair, asking Dean over so much when he had so little free time as it was, but honestly, Dean seemed perfectly happy with the arrangement. Dean smiled more than Castiel had ever seen him, and finally the bags lifted from his eyes. Castiel also made sure to demonstrate his gratitude, taking care of Dean and giving him as much pleasure as he could. Castiel’s favorite thing in the world was to worship Dean’s body, whispering praise into every crease, every pore, until Dean was shaking from holding back his tears, and Castiel was kissing him reverently on the forehead, telling him to sleep.

Perhaps that was the greatest change in their relationship. No longer did they head out early, leaving things hanging unfinished between them. Now, Dean or Castiel spent the night at each other’s places, wanting to fall asleep together and wake up together. It was an arrangement that took some adjusting, as Castiel was so used to curling up by himself that to suddenly have a warm body next to him limited his usual tossing and turning, keeping him awake. Spooning was also strange, as Castiel got too hot whenever Dean was the big spoon, and whenever they reversed, Castiel’s right arm always got squished to the point of no circulation, leaving it cramped and panging in the morning.

After experimenting, they found that it worked best when Dean was the big spoon, curling up near Castiel but not on top of him, leaving enough space for Castiel to feel his warmth, but not too much that he would sweat and need to throw off the blankets. It was an arrangement that Castiel came to expect, and he was sad whenever he woke up alone, usually because they hadn’t gotten together the night before or the morning was going to be too hectic to lay in bed together.

Their families, thankfully, accepted these arrangements in stride, and Castiel saw Sam teasing Dean more than once about their apparent sex life, though they slept together more often than they had sex, and even then, it was never the kind with penetration. Castiel was looking forward to that next step even as he dreaded it, because he loved waking up to Dean’s hardness pressing into his backside, but he was afraid of what it would mean. Yes, he was over-thinking again, but he couldn’t help but wonder when they would have an argument too big to get over. Castiel had already thought Dean was breaking up with him once, and with his cochlear implants now looming on the horizon, he didn’t know what he’d do if something happened and they split up.

Luckily, there were other happier things to distract him aside from Dean.

Sam’s birthday, for one, came and went before Castiel could blink. Sam, overwhelmed with approaching finals, had put off his birthday celebration for a few weeks until school was out, and, like the dork he was, he had insisted on a party at the bowling alley. Castiel had only ever bowled once, back before he lost his hearing when some random kid invited their whole class to his party, so he wasn’t prepared for how strange it was.

The whole process of bowling was ridiculous, and it didn’t help that Dean made faces at him and puffed up his chest every time Castiel got a gutter ball. Which was almost every time, except for once when he tried the old reliable trick of rolling the ball from between his legs. Dean had cackled at that, claiming that that was an old lady move, and Castiel had flipped him off. When Dean invaded his space and kissed away his pout, Castiel couldn’t even be self-conscious, despite all the friends Sam had invited. No, there was far too much booze in his system for embarrassment, and it wasn’t until Sam chucked a French fry at Dean’s head that they finally broke apart and remembered where they were. Oh, right. Dirty bowling alley, with greasy food, crappy beer, random disco lights, and stained shoes. Romantic.

As gross as the bowling alley was, though, it was fun to be in public with Dean. Castiel loved getting lost in Dean’s body when they were together in private, but this…this was different, and Castiel remembered wanting to do this with Dean before the crazy incident with Lisa. Why had he stopped pressing the issue? Was he too afraid to ruin what they had going?

It was Anna, of course, who finally convinced him to take initiative. After happily accepting the news about Castiel’s implants, she had backed off on hounding him about his life until one night, when she confronted him at dinner.    

Castiel was wolfing down his food in preparation for Dean’s arrival, knowing Anna was soon to go out with Inias. Castiel’s body thrummed with anticipation of what they might get into that night. He had barely worked all day, and was full of energy. Maybe tonight they would go all the way. Castiel just needed to clean himself really well, prepare just in case –

Castiel blinked as Anna retracted the fingers she had snapped in his face.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _ve been trying to talk to you for five minutes,_ _”_ she signed, as Castiel glanced at her.

“What?” he said, practicing his speech like Erica told him to.

Anna scowled. _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t use that tone with me._ _”_

Castiel rolled his eyes, resorting to signing. _“_ _What tone? You realize I can_ _’_ _t hear myself talk._ _”_

 _“_ _But you know who can hear you talk? Me. I can hear it quite plainly. And this apartment is small. With thin walls._ _”_

Castiel had the grace to flush at that. _“_ _Sorry. We_ _’_ _ll be quieter._ _”_

Anna sighed. _“_ _That_ _’_ _s not what I meant, though, yes, you could be quieter._ _”_

Castiel frowned. _“_ _So what did you mean?_ _”_

Anna’s mouth pinched as she steeled herself. _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t take this the wrong way, but Dean_ _’_ _s over here a lot. A lot._ _”_

 _“_ _Yeah, so?_ _”_

 _“_ _So, how many times are you over his house?_ _”_

 _“_ _Are you saying it_ _’_ _s unequal? Because it_ _’_ _s not. It_ _’_ _s just more convenient for him to stop here on the way back from The Roadhouse._ _”_

Anna wouldn’t look at him, her face scrunched in thought. She let out a sigh. _“_ _I guess what I_ _’_ _m trying to say is_ _…_ _maybe you should branch out more. You guys don_ _’_ _t go out. You_ _’_ _re always here, inside._ _”_

 _“_ _I know. I_ _’_ _m not an idiot. It_ _’_ _s not like we haven_ _’_ _t tried. It_ _’_ _s just that Dean_ _’_ _s got a lot going on right now. It_ _’_ _s easier this way._ _”_ Castiel scowled.

 _“_ _Easier for Dean or easier for you? It isn_ _’_ _t healthy_ _—”_

 _“_ _How is my relationship with Dean unhealthy?_ _”_ Castiel interrupted, frustrated.

 _“_ _Because you_ _’_ _re using him! Something_ _’_ _s bothering you and instead of thinking about it, you_ _’_ _re just letting Dean distract you with sex!_ _”_

Castiel glared coldly at her. _“_ _We_ _’_ _re doing what we can. I can_ _’_ _t help that his schedule is crazy and we can_ _’_ _t always go out!_ _”_

 _“_ _Stop using that as an excuse to keep doing nothing! I_ _’_ _m glad you_ _’_ _ve found someone you obviously like and trust, but Cas, going out more won_ _’_ _t make you lose him. It_ _’_ _ll help. And then maybe you guys can talk about what_ _’_ _s bothering you_ _—”_

 _“_ _Nothing_ _’_ _s bothering me! I_ _’_ _m happy._ _”_

Anna’s face was disbelieving. _“_ _I know you, and I know that something_ _’_ _s off. If you can_ _’_ _t talk to Dean about it, please know you can always talk to me. I just want you to be happy._ _”_

 _“_ _Nothing is wrong! And Dean and I are doing fine, thank you very much._ _”_

 _“_ _Just fine? Because Cas, sex is great, but there_ _’_ _s more to a relationship than that._ _”_ She held up her hands in a placating gesture at Castiel’s fierce look. _“_ _I know you know that. But have you stopped to think that maybe Dean wants time for himself? He_ _’_ _s always over here with you. Has he gotten to spend time with anyone else? Maybe you can try to go out more on your own, meet new people, make new friends_ _—”_

Castiel’s jaw clenched. _“_ _Right, because it_ _’_ _s so easy to meet people when you have no method of mutual communication. Why should I make the effort if no one else will?_ _”_

Anna drummed her fingers on the table before flipping her hair out of her face. _“_ _That_ _’_ _s not the point. I_ _’_ _m just_ _…”_

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _re just trying to control me like everyone else,_ _”_ Castiel cut in. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t get it. What_ _’_ _s so pathetic about me that everyone thinks they need to hold my hand every step of the way? I_ _’_ _m 23!_ _”_

Anna’s expression was pained and her eyes distant, and Castiel knew immediately that she was surrounded by the memories closely following the loss of their mother and Castiel’s hearing. It had been a dark time for all of them, Castiel most of all, who withdrew into himself and didn’t speak for months. He had even been hospitalized at one point, after Gabriel caught him about to carve into his thigh with a knife. Castiel couldn’t remember much of his hospitalization, as they put him on so many drugs it was hard to recall anything but numbness. That is, until Lucifer broke him out against Michael’s orders.

Castiel still didn’t know if Lucifer had used him to spite their eldest brother or if he was genuinely concerned for Castiel’s well-being, but he had to admit now that he was grateful for the intervention. It was what he had needed to snap out of it. Suddenly, in the light of day, with his mind clear, Castiel had woken up from what felt like centuries of sleep and decided to live, mastering sign language and plowing through Deaf schools until he got here…here where the endless horizon stretched before him and he could travel down a million different paths. It was what their mother would’ve wanted, right? She wanted him to be himself, discover himself, find what made him happy.

The petulant side of Castiel wanted to berate Anna for her choices, demand why she was staying at this job that she hated, why she wasn’t changing _her_ life for the better. After all, it had been a while since she mentioned grad school, but then again, had Castiel even asked recently? Maybe he had been too obsessed with his own world…and when was the last time he had Skyped with Balthazar? Had he exchanged more than a few words with Muriel at the Writing Center? Before Dean, she and Castiel had gotten together several times to just chat about their lives. She had been dating a man named Tom, and was thinking of moving in with him… Were they still together now? Did they actually get a place together? Were they considering marriage?

When had Castiel completely fallen off the grid? It had been happening some time before meeting Dean of course, but it was like Castiel had been pulled into the gravitational orbit that was the Winchester family. First Sam, then Dean, then Mary…Castiel didn’t need anyone else, right? Right?

But maybe Dean _did_.

That thought drew him up short. He glanced over at his sister, who was eyeing him knowingly, and Castiel thought of all the times Dean had appeared after work, which was nearly every day. The days he didn’t visit Castiel were those when he went home to spend time with Sam or his mother or to run personal errands. Did he have any other time for himself to just relax? Had Castiel truly, selfishly, monopolized Dean’s life, like he swore he wouldn’t when Dean first asked him out?

But Dean would’ve said something, right? He had made no indication that he disliked their current arrangement. In fact, he was _very_ on board with their sexual activities, but a relationship couldn’t survive on that alone. And Dean _was_ the self-sacrificing type…

Castiel groaned and covered his face with his hands. Here he thought they had been doing _so well_.

Anna was smiling sadly at him when he finally peeked out from between his fingers, his expression sour.

“I’ll talk to him,” he promised, and Anna nodded, raising her eyebrows in a face that clearly said ‘you better.’

* * *

 When Dean arrived an hour later, Castiel met him at the door with a light sweater draped over his arm and his shoes on.

Dean’s eyebrow quirked. _“_ _Going somewhere?_ _”_

 _“_ _Yes, we are. We_ _’_ _re going out. Where do you want to go?_ _”_

Dean shifted in the doorway, frowning in concern. _“_ _Did I do something wrong?_ _”_

Castiel breathed out. _“_ _No. You didn_ _’_ _t do anything wrong. I just think we should try to go out more, if you_ _’_ _re feeling up for it._ _”_

 _“_ _Do you not_ _…_ _want to do all that stuff anymore? Because I_ _’_ _m fine with it. Really!_ _”_

Castiel grabbed his hands with his own.

“I’m fine with it, too, more than fine…” he glanced around and withdrew his hands to sign, _“_ _I very much enjoy having sex with you. But that_ _’_ _s all we_ _’_ _ve been doing for almost a month._ _”_

 Dean smirked. _“_ _I still don_ _’_ _t see the problem here._ _”_

Castiel smiled at him, both sad and fond as he reached up to cup Dean’s face and bring him in for a kiss.

“You had fun at Sam’s party, didn’t you? You like going out.” When Dean shrugged, nodding, Castiel added, “So tell me truthfully, have you gone out at all this month besides then?”

Dean opened and closed his mouth, frowning, and Castiel nodded.

“See?”

 _“_ _But I like being here with you,_ _”_ Dean signed.

“I know you do, and I do, too,” Castiel said. “But we promised each other we’d try harder to go out and do things together. Now we can.”

 _“_ _You sure nothing_ _’_ _s wrong?_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel shook his head. _“_ _You_ _’_ _d tell me if there was, right?_ _”_

“Yes, of course,” Castiel said. “And the same with you. I just want to go out and do something…fun.”

Dean failed to conceal a smirk. _“_ _That sounded painful. You and fun really don_ _’_ _t mix._ _”_

Castiel rolled his eyes but laughed against Dean’s mouth as Dean yanked him in for another kiss. He pushed Castiel against the wall and wedged a thigh in between Castiel’s legs, making Castiel squeak. They both froze when a pillow connected with Castiel’s head, and they turned to see Anna standing with her hands on her hips.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m still here, remember?_ _”_ she signed angrily, though there was mischief in her eyes. Castiel looked at Dean, whose whole face was red. He apologized to Anna and she huffed and made a shooing gesture.

 _“_ _Get out of my house!_ _”_ she signed, stalking forward to push them. Castiel and Dean obliged, stumbling into the hallway and staring at the door as Anna closed it behind them.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m guessing this wasn_ _’_ _t entirely your idea?_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel snorted.

“No, but I’d still like to go out with you. What would you be doing tonight if you weren’t here?”

Dean chewed on his lip, thoughtful. _“_ _Some friends from The Roadhouse invited me to this line dancing club on Marvin Ave_ _…”_ he trailed off, blushing, and guilt pooled in Castiel’s stomach even as he grinned.

“You dance?”

Dean shrugged. _“_ _No. But they keep telling me to come with them. I guess you learn there?_ _”_

Castiel cocked his head. “I’d like to see you dance.”

Dean smirked and assumed a mockingly sexy expression, quirking his eyebrow, before startling himself by yawning.

“Are you sure you’re awake enough?” Castiel asked, and Dean shook himself, nodding.

 _“_ _Yeah, and are you sure you want to go? It_ _’_ _s a bar, and I know you don_ _’_ _t normally like_ _—”_

“If you want to go, then we’re going,” Castiel said, tugging on his sweater.

 _“_ _Dressed like that?_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel rolled his eyes as he hurried down the stairs to the parking lot.

“Sorry, let me go back up and get my cowboy hat and ass-less chaps.”

Castiel went to unlock his car door when Dean slid behind him, cupping his ass and then pinching it, making Castiel yelp. He swatted Dean’s hands away and glared at him, seeing the Winchester’s eyes twinkle in the glow from the street lamp as he crossed to the passenger side.

 _“_ _What? Ass-less chaps aren_ _’_ _t a bad idea,_ _”_ Dean signed, having to hand-spell the ‘chaps’ part because who brings that up in casual conversation? They got in the car and buckled their seatbelts, Dean smirking the whole time.

“Have we discovered a kink?” Castiel teased, and Dean blushed, glancing out the window as Castiel backed out of the lot.

Dean looked up directions on his phone and directed Castiel to the establishment on Marvin Avenue with the light on in the car so Castiel could see him sign. It was a Friday night, and usually they spent those nights enjoying some of the more sensual pleasures in life, especially since Dean didn’t have to go into work until noon the next day, so he could spend the night and they wouldn’t have to rush in the morning. It sucked when Castiel had an early shift at the library, but he had lucked out this week and was off on Saturday. That meant they had the whole night and morning to do whatever they wanted.

And as it turned out, going dancing was the perfect way to spend their night.

The club was hopping when they arrived, filled with people and smells and flashing lights. The place was divided in half with one side being a bar, a gift shop, and tables, chairs, and booths, and the other taken up by a wooden dance floor where a throng of people were currently line-dancing, kicking out their cowboy boots and mostly following a pattern, though Castiel wasn’t one to see it. He was too distracted by the music pulsing through his body, making him realize it was impossibly loud in there. Castiel turned to Dean to comment on sign language being useful in a place like this, but stopped himself because Dean was lit up, his head bobbing to the music and a grin on his face. Castiel felt even more guilt churn in his stomach.

How could Castiel have been so blind? Of _course_ Dean had made an effort to spend more time with Castiel – he had just sacrificed his own happiness to do so. That was just the kind of person he was. Castiel should’ve been smarter and realized what Dean was doing.

He was really going to have to thank Anna later.

Maneuvering around people, Castiel was jostled several times before he and Dean arrived at a table with a few familiar faces. The mullet-clad man who had approached Castiel at The Roadhouse was there – Castiel vaguely recalled that his name was Ash. Then there was the blond, Jo, Dean’s boss’s daughter, who waved at him in recognition. Charlie and Benny were there, too, which Castiel was surprised about, not thinking they fit in with the crowd, but apparently Jo and Charlie went way back. The only person Castiel didn’t recognize was a dark, curly-haired woman wearing sunglasses. She was curled up next to Ash, and her posture clearly indicated possession over the man, which made Castiel smirk. Castiel watched Dean address the group and then indicated the woman, spelling out her name for Castiel.

Pam, her name was Pam, and as he discovered a few seconds later, she was wearing the sunglasses for a reason. When Pam stood and jutted out a hand, her face aimed past Castiel, and it took him a moment to realize that it was because she was _blind_.

Boy, he really made friends with the right crowd. Not many people would accept a blind _and_ a Deaf person in their midst, and here they all were, acting like it was perfectly normal. Castiel took Pam’s hand and shook it, not sure how loudly he should raise his voice to be heard as he uttered the usual pleasantries. Apparently, he spoke loudly enough that a slow smile spread out over her face and she nodded, satisfied. Castiel shot Dean a curious look, and Dean filled him in for her.

 _“_ _She likes your voice._ _”_ Dean smirked.

 _“_ _Yeah, I_ _’_ _ve never heard you talk before!_ _”_ Charlie signed, grinning at him.

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _ve improved your signs,_ _”_ Castiel responded, and she nodded proudly.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m taking a class at the community center. The teacher_ _’_ _s really great_ _…_ _and super cute!_ _”_

 _“_ _Wait, who is this now?_ _”_ Dean signed as he spoke, and Castiel was touched by Dean’s courtesy at still including him in the conversation. Beyond them, dancers were exiting the floor, taking a much-needed break by the look of it, and the pounding music ceased enough for Castiel to concentrate.

 _“_ _Her name_ _’_ _s Dorothy. She_ _’_ _s awesome!_ _”_

 _“_ _Why haven_ _’_ _t I heard of her?_ _”_

 _“_ _Because we haven_ _’_ _t talked in like a month!_ _”_ Charlie turned to wag a finger at Castiel. _“_ _I know your man is keeping you busy, but we all want some Dean love, too._ _”_ She gestured to the group and Castiel blushed.

“I’m sorry. That was my fault—”

Dean shoved him playfully. _“_ _No, it_ _’_ _s not. They_ _’_ _re just messing with you._ _”_

Castiel frowned, knowing that there was truth behind Charlie’s mischievous eyes, but deciding not to say anything. They quickly sat down, pulling up extra chairs, and Castiel found himself squished between Dean and Pam. A waitress brought them water as Dean instantly dove into a conversation with Benny, and Castiel was a bit annoyed that he couldn’t tell what they were talking about, but he was used to that, and besides, they deserved time to catch up. After all, Castiel had apparently kept Dean from his friends all this time.

The rest of the table was conversing as Castiel idly picked up a menu, wondering what to order. A hand on his arm made him jump and he turned to see Pam grinning wickedly at him. Castiel smirked. Wasn’t that perfect? A blind woman and a Deaf man trying to communicate. The rest of the table was about to get a weird show.

Pam pointed to her mouth and then her throat, moving her lips like a fish before pointing at him and raising an eyebrow. Castiel followed the pantomime and nodded slowly, though he realized belatedly that she wouldn’t be able to see it.

“You’re asking if I can talk?” he asked, and she beamed, nodding vigorously. “So…you can hear me but I can’t hear you. Can you write?”

Pam scoffed, holding up an imaginary pen and paper and exaggerating her wrist movements, making her ‘pen’ fly all over the page. Right, she couldn’t very well line up her letters, at least not easily…

“How are we going to do this then?”

Castiel’s eyes widened in shock as Pam slithered her hands up his thighs, gripping tight. Castiel must’ve made a noise because suddenly the table was regarding him strangely. Castiel appreciated the possessive scowl Dean shot Pam as he said something to her, and she pulled her hands out from under the table and held them up, chagrined. Ash just rolled his eyes as they exchanged words, and then Dean was grabbing Castiel’s hand and pulling him toward the dance floor.

“Wait, Dean, what are we doing?”

There were hardly any people on the dance floor now that the official line-dancing had stopped, and those that were there were clearly drunk, swaying all over the place and laughing hysterically.

 _“_ _We_ _’_ _ve got to learn the moves. The next major dance is in ten minutes._ _”_

Castiel scowled and then sighed in defeat when Jo and Charlie appeared, posing dramatically as Charlie pretended to lift her imaginary skirts to dance. Both girls were wearing cowboy boots, though, so at least they fit in to the environment. Castiel glanced down at his polo shirt, jeans, and sneakers, and holding up a finger to the others, he jogged over to the gift shop and found exactly what he was looking for.

Castiel knew it was the right decision when Dean, in the middle of trying one of the steps, faltered at Castiel’s approach. The Winchester’s eyes grew hungry as his gaze raked over Castiel’s body, which was the same except for the cowboy hat perched on his brow. Castiel tilted it in a Western style, and Dean licked his lips, making Castiel shiver as he tracked the movement.

 _“_ _Definitely a kink,_ _”_ he signed with a smirk, and Dean snapped out of it enough to blush.

 _“_ _What sign was that?_ _”_ Charlie signed, and Dean shooed her away, returning to Jo and getting her to repeat the steps they would need to know. Charlie huffed, her hands on her hips, before stomping over to bodily haul Castiel in line with Dean and Jo so he could learn the dance moves himself.

Even though Castiel had passed on the astronomically priced boots in the gift shop, it felt like he was wearing them all the same, except they were two sizes too big. He kept tripping over his feet, not able to follow the intricate patterns Jo patiently demonstrated. Dean, on the other hand, took to it easily, and Castiel grinned at him, not realizing the bow-legged man was so fluid. He even put his hips into it, and compared to Dean, Castiel felt like a corpse with how stiff he was.

That is, until Dean came over to stand behind him, wrapping his arms around Castiel as he stepped forward and nudged Castiel’s feet with his own, walking him through the steps and grinding slightly into his hips. Castiel hummed happily, loving the feel of Dean’s warmth on his back, and tilted his head to peck Dean on the chin. The angle was strained but it made Dean laugh, halting him in place as he shook his head and pulled away to sign.

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _re hopeless. Stop distracting me! I_ _’_ _m trying to teach you how to dance._ _”_

 _“_ _That could take too long,_ _”_ Castiel signed back, selfishly wanting to keep their conversation to themselves since there were several people glaring at them in disgust.

 _“_ _I could_ _’_ _ve danced all night,_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel shook his head.

 _“_ _You are far too sober if you_ _’_ _re quoting musicals now. And since when have you watched My Fair Lady?_ _”_

Dean elbowed him, his face flaming. _“_ _It was a school trip!_ _”_ He elbowed him. _“_ _And since when have you watched it, Mr. Closed Captions? Did a little digging to find your favorite musical?_ _”_

Castiel blushed himself. _“_ _It was Anna_ _’_ _s favorite, alright? She made me watch it when we were younger._ _”_

 _“_ _Right. Anna. It was her favorite._ _”_

Castiel elbowed him back. _“_ _Shut up, asshole._ _”_

 _“_ _Oh, touchy. Found a sore spot. Does someone have a musical kink?_ _”_

They were interrupted by Jo who shoved them both before pretending to gag. Dean flipped her off and Castiel laughed. He caught movement out of the corner of his eyes and saw Benny waving them over since a waitress was hovering at their table, ready for an order. They hurried over and Dean grinned at Castiel.

 _“_ _Should I order you a fruity chick drink, Aubrey Hepburn?_ _”_

“I’ll have what you’re having,” Castiel announced, puffing up his chest as Dean’s eyebrows rose.

 _“_ _Alright. Guess we_ _’_ _ll see who the winner is. Do we have a designated driver?_ _”_

He addressed the group and Benny raised a hand, grinning at the two of them before talking to Dean, who interpreted for him.

 _“_ _He said to play nice. He can drive us home but not if we aren_ _’_ _t able to give directions._ _”_

Castiel waved dismissively, grimacing. “Actually I should probably drive my own car. Next time we’ll plan this better.”

Dean shot him a look, a smile lighting up his face, and Castiel knew he had said the right thing. They would definitely be back here if Castiel could see Dean looking so happy and carefree like this.

The rest of the evening passed in a blur. Castiel was mostly quiet, as he could only talk to Charlie, and she got hammered rather quickly. Still, Castiel enjoyed just watching the group, amused by all of their interactions. True to his word, he only had two beers, enough to get slightly buzzed, which helped when Dean dragged him to the dance floor and they completely botched up everything Jo had tried to teach them. They went to a line in the back as the whole dance floor flooded with people, and as Charlie giggled beside them, the dance began.

Concentrating hard, Castiel was pleased to start following the pattern, but when he turned to Dean with a proud look, he saw that Dean was breathless he was laughing so hard. Of course it was at Castiel’s expense, as both Jo and Charlie were mocking him with exaggerated replicas of his ‘frown of concentration.’ When Castiel pouted at them, not amused, they all laughed harder, and he couldn’t help but cave, cracking a smile. 

After the line-dancing ended, regular music came on and the whole table joined them, Ash and Pam included. The couple swayed with each other, completely undeterred, and Castiel grinned at Dean, who held out his hand. There apparently were a few homophobes in the audience, but Castiel pulled Dean’s head against his shoulder, cradling him there as he shielded Dean from their insults with his body. It was enough to get Dean to relax, and then it was just them, dancing, Castiel probably moving offbeat since the song didn’t pulse through him as previous ones had. Still, it was one of the best moments of his life, and Castiel didn’t want it to end.

By the time they piled into Castiel’s car to drive home, they were sweaty, stinking of booze and cigarettes, and their muscles were aching. Dean had somehow acquired Castiel’s cowboy hat and was modeling it with pursed lips, making Castiel shove him so he could focus on driving. Dean got sleepy soon after that, and curled against Castiel’s shoulder, remaining there until Castiel pulled into his driveway. Dean sat up with a yawn, signing a signal word.

 _“_ _Stay?_ _”_

And how could Castiel refuse? Texting Anna to let her know, Castiel followed Dean upstairs, where they brushed their teeth and then collapsed in bed, almost instantly falling asleep.


	20. Chapter 20

Castiel woke up the morning after line-dancing feeling a very pleasant sensation in his groin area, causing pulses of pleasure to spread through him, lazy and slow. Squinting open his eyes, he saw that Dean was nosing around down there, and Castiel let out a sigh as he fisted a hand in Dean’s hair. Dean smirked up at him as Castiel cocked his head.

“What’s this for?”

Dean’s hand snaked underneath the waistband of Castiel’s boxers, and Castiel sucked in a ragged breath when his fingers met very sensitive skin. Dean squeezed before pulling away to sign.

 _“_ _I wanted to thank you for last night._ _”_

Castiel whined, wanting Dean to touch him again, so it took him a few moments to process Dean’s words. When he did, he scowled and sat up, shifting away from where Dean was reaching down again. Dean glanced at him, confused, as Castiel spoke.

“Why are you thanking me?”

 _“_ _For making us go out. It was a lot of fun. Why? Did you_ _…_ _not have fun?_ _”_

Castiel sighed, trailing his fingers down Dean’s cheek and smiling when Dean closed his eyes and leaned into it. “No, of course I had fun. I just wish you had told me you wanted to go out. I’ve been selfish, making you stay in with me.”

Dean scowled, opening his eyes. _“_ _You didn_ _’_ _t make me do anything. I enjoyed staying in with you. There were lots of_ _…_ _benefits._ _”_ His hand glided down Castiel’s bare thigh, rubbing closer and closer to his crotch, which Castiel was trying to ignore even though it was making his breath hitch.

“Dean, no, stop, we need to talk about this.”

Dean froze, scowling. _“_ _What is there to talk about?_ _”_

“You’re not telling me what you want. You’re just letting me take over and I don’t want it to be like that. Our relationship shouldn’t be one-sided.”

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _s not one-sided! I wanted to stay in with you because I wanted you to be happy._ _”_

“But don’t you see? That’s something you wanted for _me_. What about what you wanted for _you_?”

 _“_ _Why does that matter?_ _”_

At the sheer disbelief on Dean’s face, Castiel surged forward to kiss him, pressing their mouths together hard, wanting Dean to know that he was important, he _mattered_. When they parted, slightly breathless, Castiel tenderly cupped Dean’s face with his hands.

“It matters because you deserve to be happy, too. Don’t you understand that?”

Dean’s mask fell for a second, replaced by a vulnerability Castiel hadn’t seen before. Almost immediately the look was gone, and Dean was shrugging it off.

 _“_ _I guess I get it. I_ _’_ _m just_ _…_ _what if I don_ _’_ _t know how to be happy? What if I don_ _’_ _t know what I want?_ _”_

“I don’t care. I just want you to tell me everything. Then we can figure it out together.”

Dean huffed and glanced away, his expression sliding into stone seriousness. Inhaling a breath, he looked about to sign something important before shaking his head.

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _s fine. I_ _’_ _m happy with us like this. I_ _’_ _ll_ _…_ _try to be better at communicating, okay? But I want this. I promise, I do. I really do._ _”_

Castiel leaned forward to card his fingers through the short bristles of Dean’s hair. 

_“_ _Okay. I want it, too. This. Us. I_ _…”_ He swallowed, clearing his throat. “I love you,” he blurted out. Dean’s eyes widened and then he was tugging Castiel into a tight hug. Castiel shivered when Dean loosened one hand to draw on Castiel’s back. It was hard to decipher at first, but then he realized Dean was drawing a big ‘U’ and then the number ‘2.’ Castiel’s chest swelled with affection, and when Dean pulled back, he signed to make it official.

 _“_ _I love you, too._ _”_

* * *

Knowing Dean loved him made Castiel settle, feel grounded, in ways he had never felt before. It was only when he remembered that his brothers were coming that Castiel felt fidgety all over again, worrying about how Dean would survive the encounter.

It was stupid, but the hours before Michael and the others were scheduled to arrive, Castiel and Dean were in his and Anna’s apartment baking chocolate chip cookies. As he had promised, Dean had taken the day off, and after arriving at their apartment, he took one look at Castiel, wringing his hands on his clothes, and had declared that they should bake cookies.

Dean had a killer recipe, and Castiel loved everything Dean made, so it calmed him to watch Dean in his element. Dean was happiest in the kitchen, completely carefree and focused in a way that made Castiel’s chest squeeze. It was there that Dean would sway his hips and whistle and bite his lip and squint at recipes and get smudges of flour on his face. How could Castiel not sit there and soak it all in?

The cookies were almost done when Anna finally appeared, returning from a brief shopping trip. Castiel and Dean helped with the groceries, silently putting them away when Anna paused, sniffing.

 _“_ _Are you making cookies?_ _”_ she signed, and Castiel nodded over at Dean.

“Dean is. Dean makes cookies to de-stress,” Castiel said, throwing air quotes over the last word. Anna snorted as Dean shot Castiel an annoyed look.

 _“_ _You can_ _’_ _t just say stuff like that! You make me sound like some crazy housewife._ _”_

 _“_ _You are wearing an apron,_ _”_ Anna pointed out, and Dean flushed all the way to the tips of his ears.

 _“_ _That_ _’_ _s it. None of you get any of my cookies,_ _”_ Dean signed as Anna and Castiel laughed at his petulant face. Castiel sidled up to Dean, swiping some of the flour off his cheek with a fingertip.

“Not even a taste?” He dipped the finger in his mouth, watching Dean’s eyes dilate as he tracked the movement. Dean snapped out of it, tossing his head.

 _“_ _Asshole,_ _”_ he signed, and Castiel laughed, getting a sip of water because flour didn’t taste particularly good on its own.

After Dean removed the cookies from the oven, they waited an agonizing few minutes for them to cool before stuffing them in their mouths. They were heavenly, of course, and Castiel knew he sounded obscene in the way Dean choked on his cookie, glaring at Castiel. Castiel just grinned smugly and turned to see that Anna was observing them, a small smile on her lips.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m happy for you two,_ _”_ she signed, and as Dean ducked his head in pleased embarrassment, Castiel just let out a sigh.

“I hope Michael won’t…be offended,” he said carefully.

Anna scowled. _“_ _If he is, I_ _’_ _m kicking him out. We_ _’_ _ll go cash the check immediately and then you_ _’_ _ll go and get the implants._ _”_

“You don’t have to do that—” Castiel started.

 _“_ _Do what? Stand up for you? I_ _’_ _ve done it before and I_ _’_ _ll do it again. You_ _’_ _re my brother._ _”_ Dean murmured something in response and Anna shared a small smile with him. _“_ _See? Your boyfriend gets it. Must be an older sibling thing._ _”_

Castiel huffed, clearly out-numbered. Still, here was a warm feeling deep inside him, and he held onto that as the hours passed and finally, Dean and Anna glanced at the door from the couch where they had all squished together to watch some crappy TV. Castiel let Anna get the door, finding that he suddenly couldn’t move because he was breathing too hard, and his palms were all sweaty. His brothers had seen him in the hospital, had seen him trying to cut himself, had seen him broken and worse, and yet this was somehow the most terrifying moment of his life.

Michael was first, then Lucifer, and then Gabriel, and they all took turns hugging Anna. They were all staying in a hotel, as they didn’t know how long they would be, and Castiel was grateful for that, even though he couldn’t focus on much else but the panic stirring in his stomach. Dean was standing now, shifting awkwardly and trying to pull Castiel up from where he was glued to the couch. Castiel finally lurched to his feet, his heart thudding. He cut off Michael before his brother could speak.

“Michael, I need to tell you something.”                              

Michael’s eyes widened, and even Gabriel looked shocked. Castiel realized, belatedly, that he had not spoken to any of them yet and they had had no idea he could even talk.

Michael was speaking now, incredulous, and Castiel held up his hand.

“Please. This is important.” He inhaled a deep breath and gestured for Dean, who crossed to stand at his side. “This is Dean Winchester. He’s my boyfriend. And I love him.”

That last bit Castiel hadn’t intended, and he could feel shock rippling through the room again, though Castiel had to sneak a peek at Dean, who was looking at him like he was the most beautiful thing in the world. Right, they hadn’t declared these sentiments in front of anyone else yet. Castiel was really jumping the gun here, but the way Dean’s eyes were watery, he couldn’t find it in him to regret it. It was the absolute truth, after all.

At long last, Castiel returned his gaze to his brothers. Gabriel was smirking somewhat triumphantly, having known all along, of course. Lucifer was frowning, but only in contemplation and not quite disgust, and Michael was…eerily blank. Castiel swallowed heavily as Michael raked his eyes over Dean, looking him up and down. Under Michael’s scrutiny, Dean stood up straighter, his posture defiant as they locked eyes. Tension rolled off them, and Castiel found Dean’s hand and clasped it in his own, offering comfort under the onslaught. Michael’s eyes flickered to the motion, and then he nodded brusquely. He said something to Dean that Castiel didn’t catch, and Dean, startled, replied quickly, turning to Castiel to sign.

 _“_ _I love him, too,_ _”_ he signed, and there it was, laid out before his brothers. Castiel closed his eyes, waiting for Michael to vilify him, but then he was being wrapped in a tight hug and Castiel knew from the scent and the feeling that it was Michael, even though it wasn’t possible, but when he opened his eyes, Michael was pulling back, looking awkward. He said something and Castiel glanced to Anna for the interpretation.

 _“_ _He says he_ _’_ _s glad you changed your mind about the implants. He hopes they_ _’_ _ll work for you._ _”_

Castiel cocked his head. Was Michael completely bypassing the fact that Castiel had just _come out_? At his face, Michael stalked forward and put a hand each on Castiel’s and Dean’s shoulder, patting them briefly before brushing past them toward the kitchen. Castiel stared after him in a trance. Had Michael just given his blessing?

When he turned back to gage Lucifer’s reaction, Castiel saw his brother shrug. He spoke and saw Dean smirk in agreement. It wasn’t until Anna interpreted, bemused, that Castiel’s jaw dropped. 

 _“_ _Lucifer says you caught a hot one at least. And who_ _’_ _s he to judge? Why should he discriminate when he_ _’_ _s into everyone?_ _”_ Anna frowned, adding her voice to the conversation as she asked aloud while signing, _“_ _So, you_ _’_ _re pan?_ _”_

Lucifer nodded and did a half-hearted shrug, his gaze heated as he gave Dean a full-body scan. He spoke a word that had Dean blushing a deep crimson.

“What?” Castiel asked, and Lucifer turned to him, exaggerating his syllables as he spoke so Castiel could read his lips.

“That. Boy. Is. A. Bottom.”

Castiel smacked his face with his hand, his whole body feeling hot. Peeking out from between his fingers, he grimaced and watched Lucifer join Michael in the kitchen, his brother’s shoulders shaking with laughter.

Anna was pink and Gabriel’s face was lit up when he stepped forward to pull Castiel into a hug. He grinned widely.

 _“_ _This is the best family visit ever_ _._ _”_

* * *

This was just a dream, right? Michael and Dean weren’t currently in deep conversation at the kitchen table, and Lucifer and Gabriel weren’t trying to out-do each other with pornographic stories, Anna serving as judge. This…wasn’t his family. It couldn’t be. As nice as it was that Dean had been so readily included, Castiel knew he was going crazy. He must’ve hit his head. Or maybe Dean poisoned the cookies.

Castiel shook himself out of it and wondered which conversation to join first, edging away from Gabriel’s when sudden hand gestures left little to the imagination. Grimacing, Castiel joined Dean and Michael at the kitchen table, wondering what they were talking about, especially with the way Dean was so animated. Dean noticed him as he sat down, and shifted to sign.

 _“_ _You didn_ _’_ _t tell me Michael liked old cars! He_ _’_ _s got several beauties sitting around in his garage and I_ _’_ _m really tempted to visit to at least give them some fresh air. I can_ _’_ _t believe he keeps them stuffed in there without driving them._ _”_

Castiel frowned, shooting a baffled gaze to Michael and then back to Dean.

 _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t know Michael had an interest in old cars_ _…”_

Michael glanced between them, a crease forming between his brows, and Castiel spoke.

“I didn’t know you liked old-fashioned cars.”

Michael’s face smoothed into an expression of pride, a small smile tugging at his lips. As he talked, Dean stepped in to interpret.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m happy to hear you speak. You sound really good. I_ _’_ _m wondering when you first started speaking again._ _”_

Castiel felt his face warm at his brother’s albeit indirect praise. He was really starting to think aliens had abducted him. Not only had Michael hugged him, but now he was smiling and happy, and Castiel was conflicted because part of him wanted to accept it on good faith, but there was another part of him that found it suspicious that Michael would be so pleasant now that Castiel had given in to his demand. Michael was getting his way and therefore, he was satisfied and making that fact known. Others might mistake it for something else, something closer to love and kinship and familial compassion, but Castiel knew that glint in his eye.

Or was he just imagining things, like the petulant child he was?

“I started suddenly. It was like it was all there, just like how I hear things in my head.”

Dean grinned at him and then interpreted again for Michael.

 _“_ _That_ _’_ _s so excellent. I_ _’_ _m sure that_ _’_ _s been very helpful in daily life. It will open a lot of doors and now you_ _’_ _ll be able to get a real job._ _”_

Castiel deflated at that, reading between the lines. Michael was glad Castiel was becoming competent at living in ‘his’ world, as he was becoming less of a nuisance. Did no one else see what Michael was like, how he thought the world revolved around him?

Castiel forced a smile and nodded. “I certainly hope so.”

The rest of their conversation was strained, mostly because Castiel couldn’t keep up the act and Michael could sense he was losing him. Having Dean as the in-between didn’t help, and Dean ended up adding too much personal input, confusing some of the signs with inappropriate facial cues. They gave up not too long after Anna swooped in, and then Castiel was standing and grabbing Dean’s wrist to drag him to his bedroom and shut the door. Inside, Castiel spun and shoved Dean against the door, melding their bodies together as he crushed Dean’s lips with his own. He swallowed Dean’s gasp and cradled his head, pressing flush against him to grind against Dean’s crotch, which made him sigh a moan into Castiel’s mouth. Dean pushed away soon after that, breathless, knocking his head back against the door.

 _“_ _Holy shit. What was that for?_ _”_

Castiel felt disinclined to speak, so he signed instead. _“_ _You met my brothers and survived. I think that deserves celebratory sex._ _”_

Dean huffed, blushing. _“_ _What, here? Now? With them in the other room?_ _”_ When Castiel nodded, Dean made a face at him. _“_ _Really? You don_ _’_ _t think they won_ _’_ _t barge in? Especially Gabriel? You know he_ _’_ _s dying to talk to me. You really do have a voyeurism kink, don_ _’_ _t you?_ _”_ His grin faded when he saw that Castiel wasn’t laughing. 

Castiel sighed. _“_ _Can_ _’_ _t this just be over with?_ _”_

 _“_ _Come on, one down, two to go. It_ _’_ _s not that bad. Sam threw you into the snake pit at our family party. It_ _’_ _s only fair for me to go through the same thing. Especially since_ _…_ _they were really cool about you being gay. Don_ _’_ _t forget that. It_ _’_ _s not always that easy._ _”_

Dean glanced away, and Castiel felt a lump settle in his throat. There were very few people that knew of Dean’s sexuality, and at least at this family event, everyone here knew they were dating. At the Winchester’s party it had been impossible to refer to themselves as anything other than friends.

Though, honestly, Castiel knew Dean’s biggest hang-up was his father. John was a traditionally-minded man, and Dean had argued with Castiel once over whether he should just come out and say it to drive his dad away for good. John was a toxic presence in his life, and maybe Dean would be better without him. But as soon as Dean said that, he had to look away, rubbing at his eyes. Castiel had leaned over to kiss him gently on the forehead, knowing how much Dean struggled to both love and hate his father.

  _“_ _I know that it_ _’_ _s not always that easy. I just wish_ _…”_ Castiel trailed off. He didn’t know what he wished for anymore. Was it to hear? Was it to be with Dean always? Was it to write his book as he had always dreamed?

That was it then – Castiel wished for more certainty, more clarity, more understanding. If only he could sort out of his feelings, then maybe he could make some useful decisions regarding his life. At the very least, he was going in a direction with the implants, but he had done his research, and it was a process that could take weeks – months, even – and that wasn’t including the rehabilitation process and check-ups. To be honest, he wasn’t looking forward to it. But it got Michael off his back, and it was what Dean wanted, so…

Releasing another sigh, Castiel met Dean’s eyes.

 _“_ _Alright then. Are you ready to talk to Gabriel and Lucifer?_ _”_

 _“_ _As ready as I_ _’_ _ll ever be._ _”_

The moment they emerged, Gabriel was on top of them, and Castiel was shooed away so Dean could get the official welcome from the third eldest brother. Lucifer was lounging on the couch, appearing bored, and Michael and Anna were talking now, gesturing to papers Michael had produced from his pockets. The way they were frowning in concentration, they had to be discussing money, and Castiel hugged himself, hoping – ironically – that everyone, including himself, wouldn’t get their hopes up too much. Even if he got an implant, it might not work, and heck, getting to that point would be a stretch. Depending on what his audiologist said, Castiel might have to undergo a psychological evaluation to make sure he was ‘ready’ for the transformation. According to a number of websites, he had to have high motivation, a willingness to commit to the follow-up procedures, and reasonable expectations.

Castiel sighed.

In the days that followed, Castiel worked on motivating himself with thoughts of hearing Dean’s or Anna’s voice, of hearing music again, of being able to participate more in society instead of lurking at the fringes like he was used to. Of course, these thoughts had to be kept in check, balancing with the expectations of the device. Everyone had different experiences with it, and Castiel wondered if he was getting apprehensive for nothing as he and his family sprawled in the waiting room chairs of the nearest center, their eyes darting to the clock as it ticked away the seconds. If Castiel concentrated really hard, he could almost hear the sound in his head.

The cochlear implant center was an hour away from where they lived, and Castiel knew it would be a pain to have to keep driving this way, though they had little choice. Grudgingly, Castiel had to admit that Michael had made a good choice, as it _was_ the best in the area – all the reviews online had been overwhelmingly positive, filled with heartfelt gratitude. Even now, Castiel felt calm radiating into him from the place. It was well-lit, well-decorated, and it smelled soothing. They must’ve done that on purpose, and Castiel couldn’t help but appreciate it, detecting lavender and other gentle perfumes.

As he waited for his audiologist to call him in, his eyes tracked over to movement in the kid’s corner, where a blond woman and her young daughter were assembling train tracks. The girl was biting her lip as she zoomed her train around the curb, opening her mouth in surprise when it collided with her mother’s and skittered across the room, rolling to a stop near Castiel’s feet. With a smile, Castiel scooped it up and walked over to them, offering it in his hand. The girl ducked her head shyly but her mother accepted it, nodding at Castiel before turning to her daughter.

 _“_ _Say thank you,_ _”_ she signed as she spoke, and the girl signed a quick thank you at Castiel before scurrying to put her train back together.

The woman turned back to Castiel, smiling. _“_ _You sign?_ _”_

Castiel nodded. _“_ _Yes. I_ _’_ _ve been Deaf since I was eight._ _”_

 _“_ _So you_ _’_ _re here for transplants?_ _”_

He shrugged. _“_ _Maybe._ _”_ Castiel startled slightly when the woman reached out and gripped his wrist with one hand, indicating her ear with the other. She squeezed and then pulled back to sign.

 _“_ _I got an implant a few months ago. Best decision of my life. I cried the day it was activated. I heard Claire_ _’_ _s voice for the first time._ _”_ She beamed fondly at her daughter and turned back to him. _“_ _Dr. Shepard_ _’_ _s fabulous. You_ _’_ _ll love her. I_ _’_ _m Amelia, by the way._ _”_

 _“_ _Castiel._ _”_

 _“_ _Nice to meet you. What step of the process are you in?_ _”_

 _“_ _This is my first visit. According to online, I think I_ _’_ _m a good candidate, but I understand I have a lot of tests to go through before the actual surgery._ _”_

Amelia rolled her eyes. _“_ _That_ _’_ _s true. But let me tell you_ _–_ _it_ _’_ _s worth it. Every penny, every tear, every minute._ _”_ She hesitated for a moment and then shuffled over to rifle through her purse, which was lying, slumped, against the wall. She returned to Castiel and pressed a business card into his hand. _“_ _I apologize if this is forward of me, but if you have any questions about the procedure, anything at all, you can call me. I wish someone had offered to do this for me. I was terrified out of my mind._ _”_ She offered a smile and Castiel mirrored it.

 _“_ _Thank you, that_ _’_ _s very kind. I_ _’_ _ll probably take you up on that. I_ _’_ _m already nervous._ _”_

Amelia chuckled and Castiel excused himself with a quick goodbye and another round of thanks, sneaking back to his chair. His brothers were engrossed in magazines and hadn’t even seen him dart away, but Anna was watching, and her lips were curled into a grin.

 _“_ _Make a new friend?_ _”_

 _“_ _She just got the implants. She said she could answer any questions if I have them._ _”_

 _“_ _That_ _’_ _s wonderful!_ _”_ Anna beamed, signing her own thanks to the woman across the room who signed back ‘of course.’ _“_ _I have a good feeling about this._ _”_

Castiel blew out a breath. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m glad someone does. I just don_ _’_ _t get why you all had to come. This is a first-time consultation._ _”_

Anna patted him on the arm. _“_ _We want to know everything. We_ _’_ _re Novaks after all._ _”_

Castiel rolled his eyes. _“_ _True enough._ _”_

* * *

The meeting with Dr. Shepard went surprisingly well, all things considered. She was a young, dark-haired white woman in professional doctor attire, and when she appeared to call them into her office, it was clear she hadn’t expected the whole family to be there or for Michael to immediately pull her to the side to share a private word. Castiel frowned at that, noting the way the audiologist’s face strained to remain polite before smoothing out in understanding. It was probably to discuss future appointments, as they had been able to make theirs in such a suspiciously short amount of time that Castiel was convinced Michael was bribing them. He wouldn’t put it past him, especially if it would get Castiel out of Michael’s hair faster.

Castiel glared questionably at his brother as they took seats, Gabriel hopping up onto the examination chair and grinning like a child about to receive a lollipop. Dr. Shepard darted out for a moment to grab a few more chairs, and when they were all seated, she deposited herself at the rolling chair at the desk and swiveled to face them all.

 _“_ _Hello, I_ _’_ _m Dr. Tessa Shepard,_ _”_ she signed, and Castiel smiled at that, knowing she probably worked with many Deaf people, but appreciating the sentiment all the same even though it was more Signed English and not so much ASL. Still, he could at least understand it. She returned his smile and focused on him. _“_ _You_ _’_ _re Castiel, yes?_ _”_ He nodded and she continued. _“_ _Excellent. So, we_ _’_ _re going to start with a few tests. Your brother tells me you can skip the hearing aid trial, but I just want to be sure that implants will be the best option for you. Do you have any questions before we get started?_ _”_

Castiel shook his head, and from there he was shuffled to different rooms to undergo a series of tests. In one, he had a sign-capable nurse – Meg Masters, as Castiel read on her badge – look into his ears, poking and prodding, and then sitting back to ask a barrage of questions in order to confirm his medical history. Meningitis? Profound, bilateral deafness? Tried hearing aids as a child, but found no success with them? Check, check, check. She asked him about his brief stay in the psych ward, and Castiel explained his bout of depression and what had led to the present decision to investigate implants as an option. Throughout the spiel, she nodded, her face attentive as she followed his signs, and Castiel was glad she passed no judgment.

They went over the rest of his medical history and then Nurse Masters administered some hearing tests, audiograms which Castiel found amusing because it was a whole lot of nothing. She printed out the results and then left and returned with a hearing aid. It was more advanced than the one Castiel had tried as a child, but of course, it _had_ been ten years, so he wondered if it would work or not. After installing the device, Castiel fidgeting the whole time to get it seated comfortably against his ear, she turned on the device and asked him repeatedly if he could hear anything. He watched her turn up the dial for the volume, and when she spoke loudly and he could still make out nothing, she nodded and scribbled some notes down to pass over to Dr. Shepard, who ushered Castiel back to his original room. By then, two hours had passed, and his siblings were wilting from having to sit still. Lucifer and Gabriel were engaged in some kind of staring contest when Castiel returned, and he rolled his eyes.

“I told you you didn’t have to come.”

But Michael was on his feet addressing Dr. Shepard, and she was holding up her hands to sign again for Castiel’s benefit.

 _“_ _We_ _’_ _re going to need to take some more tests to determine the best course of action. I_ _’_ _d like to schedule another appointment so we can do some CT scans._ _”_ She turned to address Castiel now. _“_ _This is so we can see if your cochlea has a normal shape, and to make sure there aren_ _’_ _t any growths that might interfere with the insertion of the implant. Those are common in patients with a history of meningitis._ _”_

Castiel swallowed, nodding stiffly.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _d also like to do some MRIs to get a better picture of your inner ear structures,_ _”_ she signed as she spoke. _“_ _In the meantime, I suggest you also schedule a psychological evaluation and a full physical examination to prepare for surgery. After we get the data back, we_ _’_ _ll analyze the results of these tests and speak with other members of our team to see what they believe. If we decide an implant is your best option, we_ _’_ _ll arrange another visit and then talk about how to proceed._ _”_ Noting Castiel’s tight expression, Dr. Shepard smiled.

 _“_ _I realize it_ _’_ _s a lengthy process, but you have to understand that this is designed to be a permanent solution. We don_ _’_ _t want any complications._ _”_

“Thank you. I understand,” Castiel said, nodding and rising, his family close behind him as they filed out the door. Castiel hung back to exchange another smile with the doctor, and she grinned at him.

 _“_ _Should I expect your entire family at every appointment?_ _”_ she teased, and Castiel rolled his eyes.

“I told them not to come, but they insisted. My brother is…persuasive, as you can see.”

 _“_ _I can tell they care about you very much,_ _”_ she signed, and Castiel’s ears went pink.

 _“_ _Maybe too much. How much are they bribing you to get the soonest appointments?_ _”_

Dr. Shepard threw her head back and laughed, though she was mysteriously tight-lipped as she ushered him out of the office and back into the waiting room. Amelia and Claire were long gone and Castiel fingered the business card in his jeans pocket, wondering if he would actually follow through with her. It couldn’t hurt, but wasn’t it weird to communicate with a stranger? Though, he supposed it couldn’t be any stranger than answering someone’s question on an online forum. They were just more visible in real life.

The drive back to town was quiet. Castiel was exhausted from all the tests and tried to pass out against the window in the backseat, groaning when Lucifer and Gabriel started wrestling, clearly both antsy from having sat still so long. Honestly, were they three-year-olds or what? Anna and Michael were speaking in the front, and Castiel closed his eyes, tempted to punch both of his brothers when they kept jostling him.

They went out to dinner as a family, which was not Castiel’s decision, though he made a point to override Michael when they ordered, telling the waitress exactly what he wanted. When he was younger, and not able to speak, Michael would take to ordering for him like he was an infant, and it had aggravated Castiel so much that he pitched a fit and didn’t go out to eat with them for five years. 

Now, as they sat and ate, Castiel was quiet, letting his family chatter on without him. At one point, as his gaze unfocused on a distant table, he was brought back to reality by a pinch on his arm, courtesy of Gabriel. Dragging his attention back to his family, he sighed and waited for Michael to speak and Anna to interpret.

What his brother said made Castiel sigh in relief.

As this testing process could take weeks, Michael, Lucifer, and Gabriel would be returning to their homes to await news, and travel back if Castiel was permitted to go ahead with the surgery. Castiel thought that was a _great_ idea, though he tried not to let it show too much.

Thankfully, when his brothers did leave, it was without fuss. Castiel and Anna promised to stay in touch, and the moment they were gone, Castiel texted Dean to come over when he could. While he waited, he needed to call Balthazar, whom he had been regretfully neglecting since his and Dean’s relationship got more serious. Bracing himself for all the lewd suggestions Balthazar would make, and the details he would demand, Castiel opened Skype and called his oldest friend.


	21. Chapter 21

Spring was slowly morphing into summer as June arrived. Castiel woke up one morning at Dean’s house, stretching as he extricated himself from Dean, who had thrown a leg over him in the night. As Castiel slipped away, he paused to take in the image of Dean in a t-shirt and boxers, his hair mussed, his mouth open. Did Dean snore? Castiel knew _he_ did, or at least according to Dean he did (though he didn’t know how reliable a source that was). The thought made a fond smile tug at Castiel’s lips, and he bent over to peck Dean’s forehead before making a pit stop in the bathroom and then heading downstairs, where the smell of coffee was wafting up.

Surprisingly, it was Sam who was up already, and he shot Castiel a knowing smirk when he emerged into the kitchen.

 _“_ _Morning,_ _”_ Sam signed and Castiel refused to blush.

 _“_ _Good morning, Sam._ _”_

Castiel helped himself to coffee and was just reaching for the milk jug when Sam stopped him.

 _“_ _That_ _’_ _s not milk in there,_ _”_ Sam signed pointedly, and Castiel fought his grin.

 _“_ _Dare I ask what it is, then?_ _”_

 _“_ _Some mix of toothpaste and water. Because Dean is an asshole._ _”_

Castiel scrunched up his nose. _“_ _But what about your mother?_ _”_

 _“_ _Mom takes her coffee black. He knew I_ _’_ _d_ _be the one using it for coffee._ _”_ Sam made a disgusted face and Castiel laughed.

 _“_ _Glad he_ _’_ _s in a good mood._ _”_

Sam rolled his eyes, but as Castiel took a seat, he gave him a long, searching look, his expression fond.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m really glad you guys are together. You both look so happy,_ _”_ Sam signed at last.

Castiel smiled to himself, ducking his head. _“_ _Thanks. Dean deserves to be happy._ _”_

 _“_ _And so do you._ _”_

Castiel shot Sam a grateful smile. _“_ _Thank you. I am happy. I love him._ _”_

Sam made a funny face at the word ‘love.’ _“_ _Does Dean know?_ _”_

 _“_ _Know what?_ _”_

 _“_ _That you love him._ _”_

 _“_ _Yes, and he_ _’_ _s said it back to me._ _”_

Sam’s eyebrows rose and he exhaled a long breath, his lips twitching into a wide grin. _“_ _Really? Dean said that? To your face?_ _”_

Castiel frowned. _“_ _Yes. Why are you so shocked?_ _”_

 _“_ _I guess it_ _’_ _s because growing up, Dean always shied away from that kind of stuff. Said it was too girly to admit your feelings. You don_ _’_ _t even know how many times I_ _’_ _ve tried talking to him about that._ _”_ Sam shook his head. _“_ _The brother I used to know was emotionally stunted thanks to my dad. You know, mister_ _‘_ _men-don_ _’_ _t-have-emotions._ _’”_

Castiel nodded thoughtfully. _“_ _I think the distance from your father has helped, then, because Dean_ _’_ _s been very open with me._ _”_

 _“_ _Good. That_ _’_ _s good. Actually, great. That makes me even more happy for you guys._ _”_

Castiel smirked. _“_ _Have you always enjoyed psycho-analyzing your brother and sharing it with his significant others?_ _”_

Sam snorted. _“_ _What can I say? I like figuring out how people work, how they think. It_ _’_ _s part of the reason why I want to be a lawyer. I love the idea of getting inside a person_ _’_ _s head and figuring out what led them to do something._ _”_

 _“_ _That is frankly terrifying. I fear you may wield too much power and take over the world._ _”_

 _“_ _Maybe. But not until I graduate._ _”_ Sam’s easy grin slipped from his face, replaced by a gentle yet serious expression. _“_ _You know, I_ _’_ _m telling you all this stuff about Dean because I want you guys to work out. When we were growing up, he ignored other kids just to spend time with me, make me feel like a normal kid._ _”_

 _“_ _Really?_ _”_

Sam smiled, his eyes wistful. _“_ _Yeah. He never had any really good friends before. Now he has you, and I_ _’_ _m glad. I trust you._ _”_

Castiel felt his chest clenching, and he breathed deeply through the wave of affection coursing through him. He and Sam shared smiles, and then they both looked up when Mary swept into the kitchen still in her nightgown, smothering her yawn with her hand.

 _“_ _Morning,_ _”_ she signed, and they all glanced up when Dean appeared in the doorway, a crooked grin on his face as he sauntered into the kitchen and slid on the floor in his socks. That was a reference to something, right?

Mary swatted him as Dean kept dancing to an imaginary tune, possibly humming it as he took down a mug, poured himself some coffee and leaned against the counter.

 _“_ _Someone_ _’_ _s happy this morning,_ _”_ Mary signed, giving Dean a significant look that had him scrunching his nose in embarrassment.

 _“_ _Mom!_ _”_

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m not an idiot, you know._ _”_

They had matching smirks and Castiel grinned until he sensed movement and turned to see Sam scowling as he ripped out his hearing aid and slammed it on the table, not hard enough for it to break, but enough for Castiel to feel the reverberations up his arm.

“Stupid thing!” Sam said, Castiel reading his lips. Mary shuffled over in her slippers, her face creased in worry.

 _“_ _Is it broken?_ _”_ she signed, and Sam ran a hand through his hair.

 _“_ _I think so. It_ _’_ _s been buzzing for a while._ _”_

 _“_ _You sure it_ _’_ _s not the battery?_ _”_

 _“_ _I checked. The battery_ _’_ _s fine._ _”_

Mary sighed and Dean approached the table, frowning now. _“_ _Why didn_ _’_ _t you say anything?_ _”_

 _“_ _Because I was trying to make it last! I know we don_ _’_ _t have money to replace it._ _”_

Mary and Dean went very still at his words, and Castiel wanted to shrink out of sight, feeling out of place.

Castiel knew from Sam’s stricken look that he was ashamed to wipe the happiness off his family’s faces, but Mary and Dean were the breadwinners, and every penny mattered. It was why Dean had taken to drinking less when they went out, why they had stuck to cheaper places…

 _“_ _We_ _’_ _ll figure it out,_ _”_ Dean signed eventually, his expression grave, and Mary put a hand on his arm to squeeze once. 

 _“_ _Apparently there are cheaper ones online,_ _”_ Sam signed, his mouth twisting. _“_ _But they_ _’_ _re still like $400._ _”_

 _“_ _And those are the crappy ones I bet,_ _”_ Dean cut in, and Sam’s shoulders slumped.

 _“_ _Yeah, but we can barely afford those._ _”_

Mary and Dean had similar looks on their faces, both computing in their heads before Mary patted Sam on the arm.

 _“_ _This is important, so we_ _’_ _ll make it work, okay? I_ _’_ _ll talk with Nancy at work, see if I can take some more shifts._ _”_

 _“_ _No!_ _”_ Sam signed, rising and shaking his head vehemently. _“_ _No, you both work too much as it is! I can pay for them myself._ _”_

 _“_ _You_ _’_ _ve got school!_ _”_ Dean protested.

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _s June, Dean! I_ _’_ _ve got the whole summer off! I_ _’_ _ll get another job._ _”_

 _“_ _Another_ _job?_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel winced as they both blew up, Dean outraged that Sam had kept his job at the school secret.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _ve just been stuffing envelopes at the print center. It_ _’_ _s nothing, and it doesn_ _’_ _t even matter anymore because they don_ _’_ _t need me for the summer. It was just so we had some more for groceries._ _”_

 _“_ _Why didn_ _’_ _t you tell me?_ _”_

 _“_ _Because I knew this was how you'_ _d react!_ _”_

Dean froze, his fists clenching as he tried to calm himself. _“_ _Fine. But you should_ _’_ _ve been saving for yourself. We_ _’_ _ve got everything covered._ _”_

 _“_ _I just wanted to help!_ _”_

At the abrupt lull in the conversation, Castiel hesitantly waved to get their attention.

 _“_ _May I add something?_ _”_ Castiel signed, waiting until they focused on him. _“_ _If you_ _’_ _re thinking about a job for the summer, the public library hires all kinds of people. That_ _’_ _s how I work there. Some part-time students moved away for the summer, so they_ _’_ _re looking for people to fill their place. It_ _’_ _s menial work, but it_ _’_ _s easy, and time goes by quickly._ _”_

 _“_ _That_ _’_ _s perfect!_ _”_ Sam signed, grinning as he elbowed Castiel while Mary and Dean chewed it over. _“_ _Then we can be co-workers and talk across the stacks in our secret sign language._ _”_

Castiel grinned. _“_ _The boss is incredibly lenient with us. He only knows basic signs so we communicate by writing things down. And you don_ _’_ _t have to worry about hearing aids. They_ _’_ _re not a requirement at all. They would help, certainly, but I don_ _’_ _t use them._ _”_

 _“_ _That_ _’_ _s awesome. Hook me up, Cas!_ _”_

Castiel grinned at Sam’s enthusiasm. _“_ _You_ _’_ _ll probably be better than me at customer service if you keep making that face._ _”_

Sam exaggerated his grin, drawing his lips away from his teeth, and then they were all smiling. As Castiel glanced down to his mug, he found that Dean had slipped into the chair next to him, and was reaching out to pull Castiel’s face into his, searing their lips together in a quick kiss. He raised a finger to flip Sam off over Castiel’s shoulder, but when his gaze met Castiel’s, Castiel felt warmth throughout his chest at the love shining in Dean’s eyes.

He was the luckiest man in the world.

* * *

Castiel thought about sex a lot over the next few weeks. Ever since he and Dean had initiated their sexual relationship, it hadn’t left, and now his mind constantly perused the topic, including each time he shelved books at the library. He couldn’t help it when some of the books were about sex anyways, and he paused shelving to browse through them. It was a public library, so the books couldn’t get too graphic, and none of them involved gay sex, but it was still a constant in Castiel’s brain.

Sometimes, the flip would be switched and a zing of pleasure would shoot to his dick, making it perk up, but it was a public place and Castiel couldn’t indulge in sexual fantasies there, especially not the ones involving fucking Dean against the stacks. What? So Anna had made him watch the film _Atonement_. It was a good movie and a heartbreaking book. But of course it had planted that terribly arousing fantasy in his head, and boy, it had been _hot_ in the movie. Imagine in real life.

But Castiel couldn’t, because he and Dean weren’t there yet. There was lots of frottage going on, more hand-jobs and blow-jobs, and those were awesome enough and easy, too, because Dean and Castiel never seemed to have that much time and energy to partake. The window of opportunity was usually small thanks to their work schedules and needing privacy, and Castiel silently despaired that they may never go further, though he told himself to be patient. It was hard when Balthazar kept bugging him with questions like who would top and who would bottom. Castiel didn’t know how to answer that. He could see himself and Dean doing either one and switching when they felt like it. Neither had to have assigned roles as far as he was concerned.

And yet, it was an interesting question to ponder. Who would top and who would bottom for their first time? Castiel had his _Atonement_ fantasy, but that didn’t mean he felt confident enough to know what he was doing. He should probably let Dean top, right, because he had more experience?

Shivery anticipation curled in Castiel’s gut and remained there, warm and liquid, as his shift ended and he wandered over to the bakery to bring Dean something special for lunch.

The bakery on sixth was owned by a charming black woman named Missouri who had no idea how to sign but seemed to know exactly what Castiel wanted every time he ventured inside. Today was no exception, and the minute he walked in the door, she held up a finger, disappeared into the back, and returned to the front counter with a slice of freshly baked cherry pie. Castiel smiled at her, nodding, and she rung it up. As he exited the bakery, Castiel excitedly imagined Dean’s reaction, his lips claiming each bite, the bliss on his face, the cherry dripping down his chin…

Castiel paused to collect himself and headed toward the garage. Bobby was up front when Castiel walked in, and Castiel nodded to the man, who tipped his ever-present baseball cap back at him. They had only interacted a few times, as Bobby didn’t know how to sign, but Castiel knew Dean loved the man like an uncle, maybe even second father, so Castiel made sure to, at the very least, be polite. Bobby pointed at the clock and held up five fingers, letting Castiel know Dean would be out then. Castiel nodded and sank into the ancient sofa in the waiting room, his nose filled with the scent of rubber and motor oil. He eased his package from the bakery onto his lap, feeling the heat from the still-warm pie radiate through the container and bag.

Castiel stood when Dean appeared at the end of five minutes, and as his eyes fell on the bag, his face lit up. Not caring that Bobby was still there, Dean pulled Castiel into a kiss, smiling hard. He pulled back, signing with black-stained fingers.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _m so happy you_ _’_ _re here. I_ _’_ _ve_ _…_ _got something to show you._ _”_ Dean blushed, making his freckles stand out, and Castiel frowned curiously as Dean spoke to Bobby and then yanked Castiel into the back toward the employee break room. However, instead of sitting down to eat what Castiel had brought him, Dean pulled him into the employee bathroom. It was a handicapped room with no stalls, and Dean shut and locked the door behind him. The fluorescent lights made his flushed face even that much starker against the paleness of the rest of him, and Castiel wondered just what was going to happen here when Dean gripped his shoulders, abruptly breathing hard as his head hung down between his arms. Castiel waited for Dean to explain, and as Dean lifted his head, Castiel watched Dean’s pupils dilate.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _ve got the house to myself tonight,_ _”_ Dean signed as he stepped back. He swallowed. _“_ _You_ _’_ _re not busy, right?_ _”_ Castiel shook his head, his mouth suddenly dry. _“_ _Good,_ _”_ Dean continued, fiddling for a moment with his work suit zipper. Finally, he met Castiel’s eyes. _“_ _If you_ _’_ _re okay with it, I want you to fuck me._ _”_

Castiel stared at him, his mouth hanging open.

 _“_ _I_ _’_ _ve been thinking about it all day. About you and_ _…”_ Dean swallowed again as he reached for the zipper and this time undid it, letting the suit fall to the floor and pool around his ankles. He was wearing jeans underneath, and Castiel nearly had an aneurysm when Dean unzipped them to reveal what he was wearing below.

Panties. Pink, lacy panties that were straining to contain the massive bulge of Dean’s cock. Castiel could imagine the soft feel of the fabric as it cradled him, and his own cock strained against his pants. He tried to ignore it, his eyes drawn to Dean licking his lips.

 _“_ _I want you to fuck me while I wear these,_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel inhaled a shaky breath.

 _“_ _Are you sure? I_ _’_ _ve never_ _…_ _I don_ _’_ _t know if_ _…”_

 _“_ _I want to. I trust you._ _”_

At that, Castiel nodded dumbly. Never in a thousand years would he have expected this, and there was nothing that would drag him away.

“Okay,” he breathed out loud, and Dean grinned shyly.

 _“_ _Awesome,_ _”_ he signed. _“_ _I love you,_ _”_ he added and Castiel swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I love you, too,” he choked out, and then Dean was zipping himself back up and they were leaving the bathroom behind. They sat on a bench outside while Dean ate his bag lunch and the pie Castiel had bought, neither of them speaking but instead enjoying the comfortable, if not somewhat anticipatory, silence.

All Castiel could think was that he needed to stay busy for _hours_ or just the thought of fucking Dean might make him come before it was even time for the real show. Thankfully, Anna had made a list of chores to get done and when Castiel got home, he completed them with fervor. He did the laundry, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, went grocery shopping, and even got dinner started in the crock pot for when Anna got home. He’d be over Dean’s for dinner, and Castiel cursed as he thought about what they were going to do yet again. He picked up the checklist and realized he hadn’t dusted yet, so he grabbed the Swiffer and got busy.

* * *

At Dean’s house, they shared a dinner of leftover shepherd’s pie, and then Dean was going to shower to get fully clean. They had both shared articles with each other on safe sex practices and how to get thoroughly prepared for anal sex, so Castiel was confident Dean would be ready, but that did nothing to diminish the nerves bubbling in his gut. The last thing he wanted to do was ruin this for Dean, Dean who was going to trust him so fully and completely even though Castiel had no experience topping. Castiel tried to remember the lessons he had learned from the blow-jobs he had received, how he had been able to hold off his orgasm longer and longer each time to just enjoy the sensations before coming. It was hard to do, but Castiel would try his best.

Since Dean was going to emerge fully naked except for the panties, Castiel thought it only fair that he be naked, too, stretched out on Dean’s bed and making sure all their supplies were near at hand, including a bottle of lube and a condom. From anticipation alone, Castiel was already half-hard, and he knew it wouldn’t take much for it to go all the way up, knowing how sexy Dean looked mostly nude, especially when dripping wet.

Castiel swallowed a moan when Dean finally emerged in a shroud of steam, a towel around his waist. There was a towel beneath Castiel as well to catch their mess instead of getting Dean’s sheets dirty, and Castiel shifted, loving the soft fabric against his bare skin. Dean let his towel drop, wearing the pink panties as promised, and he closed and locked his bedroom door. Castiel’s heart pounded as Dean stalked forward, all solid and lean except for the pudge around his mid-section, which Castiel loved despite Dean’s protests.

Then Dean was leaning over him, boxing him in, and they were kissing fast and desperate. Both of them had been riding the edge all day, and Castiel felt his nervousness slip away as he reacquainted himself with Dean’s mouth, his tongue, his lips. They got hot and sticky fast, but Dean made sure to hover over Castiel so they weren’t flushed together, obviously wanting to hold out for as long as possible. It made Castiel ache, and he deliberately rolled upward, letting his hard cock brush against the soft panties, smearing them with pre-come before dropping back to the bed. Dean looked like he was growling when he bent to bite at Castiel’s neck, and Castiel groaned even though he was annoyed.

 _Dean_ was the one who should be getting marked up.

Putting his hands on Dean’s shoulders, Castiel sat up and flipped them over so Dean was pinned beneath him, writhing when Castiel scratched his teeth over his nipples. Discovering Dean’s interest in nipples had been a heavenly experience, and Castiel wasted no time pinching and squeezing. Dean’s nipples turned red and angry at the abuse, and Castiel let one of his hands trail down to cup Dean through the panties, feeling how soaked they were where Dean was already leaking and straining against the thin fabric. Dean squirmed beneath him, panting with his mouth open, glistening sweat. His hair was still wet from the shower, and Castiel released Dean’s nipple to drag his other hand through the bristles, digging his nails into his scalp for a moment as he rubbed his fingers in swirl patterns over his cock. The double sensations drove Dean mad, and his hands scrambled for purchase, his fingers clenching and unclenching as he met Castiel’s eyes and nodded.

Castiel slithered down Dean’s body, joining his hands in dragging down Dean’s flesh until they met at the juncture of his thighs. Castiel mouthed at Dean’s cock as his fingers tugged apart the fabric to access his hole, which was still red from where Dean had cleaned it. It looked so small, so puckered and tight, and Castiel was breathless as he stared at it, knowing he had to make this good for Dean.

Castiel helped Dean situate himself on a pillow, which lifted and bared his ass. Then, Dean passed him the lube and Castiel generously coated his fingers, rubbing them together to warm the liquid, and then he was probing at his hole, starting with one finger. He bit back a moan as Dean’s body easily accepted the intrusion. Castiel lifted his eyes to Dean’s face, scanning it for signs of discomfort, and when Dean nodded, waving his hands impatiently, Castiel added a second finger. It took longer to accommodate them both, and Castiel ignored his own pounding pulse as he scissored them inside, again checking Dean’s face. Dean had shut his eyes, and with each crook of Castiel’s fingers, he opened his mouth, desperately sucking in air.

“Fuck,” Castiel muttered as he kept going, making sure Dean could take two fingers easily before inserting another. He could feel sweat coating his body, and Dean’s hair started getting plastered to his head as he began to rock his hips into Castiel’s fingers, taking him deeper. Castiel marveled at the warm, tight heat of Dean, feeling the muscles inside him squeeze around his fingers even as they gave way, providing room for more until he had four fingers inside. Castiel felt around for the nub he so loved in his own body, and when his fingers brushed over it, Dean arched off the bed, his cock spurting come into his panties and his muscles clenching hard over Castiel’s fingers. Castiel fingered him through it, slightly disappointed that Dean wouldn’t come with Castiel buried inside him, but they would have time to work on it. Actually, he had read it was better to have an orgasm before first-time penetration, as it relaxed the body and loosened the muscles.

Dean’s eyes were glazed as he came back to himself, smiling sheepishly at Castiel, who strained to grin at him, his erection now edging on painful. Dean nodded, panting, and Castiel swallowed around a dry mouth.

“Are you ready?” Castiel asked.

Dean grinned blissfully. _“_ _Fuck me, Cas. Fuck me._ _”_

Castiel didn’t need to be told twice. Grabbing the condom packet, Castiel rolled it onto himself and then added more lube to it and then Dean’s hole, slicking it up. Dean just closed his eyes, sighing, as Castiel lined up. He was trembling so hard that he missed the first time, Dean’s entrance so slippery that his cock caught and dragged down his skin but never entered him. The same thing happened on the second try, and when Castiel let out a noise, Dean opened his eyes and reached down to guide Castiel with his hand, lining him up and, meeting his eyes in an intense stare, nodding for him to push.

Castiel swallowed and did, pushing agonizingly slow. Dean bit his lip and Castiel fought the pressure and resistance of Dean’s body until suddenly it gave way, and with a throaty moan, Castiel was inside him, breaching him with the head. He was clasped in wet, tight heat and Castiel wanted nothing more than to bury himself in it, but Dean was making a face, adjusting to the strangeness of it, and Castiel locked his hips in place, waiting.  

“Are you alright?” he asked breathlessly and Dean nodded slowly.

“Fuck,” Dean spoke, Castiel reading the word on his lips as Dean collapsed back against his pillow. “Oh fuck me.”

“Dean?”

Dean brought up his hands to sign. _“_ _You feel so big. Holy fuck. So good. Oh, please fuck me. Please, just go._ _”_ Castiel had barely nodded before Dean was scooting forward to force the rest of Castiel’s cock into him.

 “Fuck, Dean!” Castiel burst out, staring down at Dean who was still cringing, but managing to smirk wickedly as he signed.

 _“_ _Feels good, right?_ _”_

Castiel nodded, barely able to breathe. “Are you…you’re okay?”

Dean grinned. _“_ _Fuck yeah. Move. Fuck me, Cas. Fuck me hard. God, please, I need to feel you._ _”_

That was the last straw. The dam broke in Castiel’s head and all rational thought left him as his base instincts took over. Castiel started slow, working his way into a rhythm, still checking that Dean was alright, but when Dean only showed rapture, Castiel didn’t hold back. He drove into the tight clasp of Dean’s body over and over, feeling Dean’s muscles spasm around him, clench and grip him as he mercilessly thrust into him.

Castiel snapped his hips harder, faster, driving deep into Dean, feeling like he was coming apart as he watched where their parts met, where Dean swallowed him, where he was split open around Castiel’s cock. The slide was perfect, the friction perfect, and Castiel saw that Dean was enjoying it just as much, even arching off the bed when Castiel found his prostate. Castiel tried to angle toward it again, but he was too close, and suddenly he was gone, coming so hard that the pleasant buzzing in his head became a roar, obscuring his sight for just a second.

When he opened his eyes, still thrusting slowly, letting Dean’s body take everything he had until he was spent and pulling out, he saw that Dean was grinning at him, a piece of sweaty hair sticking to his forehead.

“Fuck,” Castiel said, and Dean nodded.

 _“_ _Fuck indeed._ _”_

Castiel peeled off the condom and let it drop to the floor, suddenly boneless and too exhausted to do much more than crawl up to Dean and let his racing heartbeat slow down. They lay together, a tangled sticky mess stinking of sex, and then Dean kissed him.

 _“_ _I love you,_ _”_ Dean signed.

“I love you,” Castiel said.


	22. Chapter 22

The next few weeks were busy with doctor appointments and work, but somehow, Dean and Castiel found time for more…intimate moments.

Castiel couldn’t help but laugh because Lucifer had been right. Dean _was_ a bottom, and he loved it, relished it, even. Sometimes he got so demanding, Castiel just plowed into him with all the force he had, knowing he was probably hurting Dean, but that it was apparently what Dean wanted. Dean was getting excellent at dirty sign language, too, signing all while Castiel was pounding into him, telling him how much he loved being filled with Castiel’s huge cock, how much he loved feeling sore the next day, how much he loved the marks Castiel left on him, putting Castiel’s claim on display for the whole world to see.

It wasn’t all fast and fierce, though. There were softer times, quieter moments where Castiel just loved him with gentle thrusts, rocking into him as he whispered words of praise in Dean’s ears. Then they would cuddle together for hours, lazily making out, sometimes joining each other in Dean’s shower just to scrub the other down.

They tried all kinds of positions, and it was wild and crazy and gentle and slow and Castiel never wanted it to end. 

Not everything was perfect, though. Sam walked in on them once, which Castiel blamed Dean for because he was the one who could _hear_. Then there was the matter of Castiel’s cochlear implants, which were going to happen.

After all the testing and appointments, all the conversations and brotherly interventions, Castiel had been selected as an ideal candidate for cochlear implants. The surgery had even been scheduled already, for the end of July, leaving Castiel a little over a month to stare at his calendar and worry.

Which was silly, because this was a good thing, right? He wanted the implants. It was a step in the right direction, as Michael kept saying, and Castiel should be grateful he was getting this chance.

So why was he so unhappy?

At first, Castiel tried focusing on the positive. 

For one, Dean’s efforts had paid off at The Roadhouse, and he was back to being a line cook, preparing him for a true career in the culinary industry if he really wanted it. Castiel thought it would be an ideal fit for Dean, and wished there were a way to give him the money to go to culinary school and get properly certified. Out of boredom, Castiel even started looking up scholarships, making notes of ones to mention to Dean when was he ready to focus on his own life for once. 

Then there was Sam, who had gotten into the library like Castiel suggested. Castiel had been a staple there for almost two years now, and he knew how to do his job, so the management trusted his recommendation and Sam was hired practically the next day. As Sam was far from stupid, he picked up the job easily, and it made Castiel proud whenever their shifts overlapped and he could watch Sam giving the job his full attention.

Castiel could also watch Sam interact with their co-workers, and it made something fierce tug at Castiel’s gut when he saw how quickly they got along. Castiel had never really made an effort, as he couldn’t speak, and his hearing co-workers couldn’t sign, so he usually kept to himself. But Sam was a natural, knowing how to speak and not being ashamed, walking right up, introducing himself, and engaging in banter that already had them all laughing. He even got invited out to drinks after work from what Castiel could see, and Castiel made himself scarce so that Sam wouldn’t find him and try to include him.

It was hard to stay positive after that.

Seeing how outgoing Sam was made Castiel question himself. He had been a loner as a child, bullied even, and going deaf hadn’t helped. Even when he re-learned to communicate, he hadn’t sought out any friends, preferring the company of books. Now, he could see the clear results of that, and how few people he had in his life. He and Balthazar talked about their mutual friends sometimes, as they had been part of a larger group that hung out regularly. But Castiel didn’t talk to many of them anymore. He hadn’t connected with any of them enough to keep up contact, and they apparently felt the same way, as they didn’t reach out to him either. He was lucky enough to have gotten Balthazar to stick, but even then, Balthazar was in California. Castiel was here, and his only friends – Dean, Sam, Anna, if you could count siblings and boyfriends as _friends_ – had other friends that they spent time with, so Castiel wasn’t priority.

It was stupid, really, because Castiel had a great life. Sure, he wasn’t entirely satisfied with his nonexistent career, and sure, his dream novel had taken the backburner yet again, but in terms of living, Castiel was lucky. He had a roof over his head, food in his stomach, and people he loved who loved him back. On top of that, he was soon to receive a device that could give him his hearing back, and yet here he was, sulking and moping.

What was bad was that he had _a lot_ of time to himself to fret and feel anxiety roiling in his gut, like hundreds of butterflies with fluttering wings. With school out, Castiel’s work at the Writing Center was on hold, and since he could only work up to nineteen hours at the library – based on some sort of union agreement – he had _long_ , agonizing stretches to himself. At first, it was wonderful. He ran a lot, letting the soothing pattern stamp out his emotions as he tried to focus on his breaths and the Zen part of the exercise that made him keep coming back to it. The weather was gorgeous, too, so that lifted his spirits a good deal.

Only, it wasn’t enough. It was _never_ enough. Castiel found that he quickly grew impatient, feeling dissatisfied for no reason, wanting to _do_ something else, _be_ someone else, but Castiel was crippled with a severe lack of motivation. Compared to Dean, he was a lazy, spoiled brat who had it all but kept complaining. Which is why he didn’t bother Dean with his problems, though he sensed that Dean knew about them anyway and wanted him to open up. But how could he talk to Dean, whose sweat, blood, and tears went into scrounging for every penny, while Castiel barely worked but was privileged to have everything in his life taken care of for him?

Castiel wished he just knew what he _wanted_ , but even that evaded him. He started writing his story again, finally, only to get stuck, reread what he had written, and determine that it was crap. Then, when he went outside to clear his head, he found himself clutching his car keys and driving to Dean’s work at the garage, wanting to see him on his lunch break. When they sat outside a café to eat, of course Castiel had to catch Dean staring at some women as they passed, his eyes darting to all the skin they were showing in the warm weather, and Castiel knew Dean missed them, was tired of hard chests and coarse stubble and stupidly meaningful decisions about sex positions. Dean loved women, especially _hearing_ women. Women were easier, better, smarter, warmer.

Women like Lisa.                         

Castiel hadn’t quite forgotten about her and the mysterious few weeks Dean had spent helping her sort out some kind of family emergency. Even now, Dean remained tight-lipped whenever Castiel tried to ask about what had happened. With the way Dean was acting, she had to be an ex, but there was something more to it, something Dean refused to talk about. Castiel was afraid to pry and afraid not to, so he instead tried not to think about it, burying it with all his other frustrations and letting himself get lost in Dean’s body, allowing sex to take him to happier places in his mind.

Castiel knew it was a bad coping mechanism, but he couldn’t stop. Not even when he could tell Anna was gearing up for another lecture. After all, he and Dean had stopped trying to go out more, finding more comfort in each other’s arms than in the public eye, and while Castiel knew that that wasn’t unusual, he also knew it was verging on problematic, especially when he didn’t leave his apartment for days in between shifts at the library. Even with the weather so gorgeous, Castiel just felt tired and listless most of the time. 

* * *

 

One day in late June, Castiel and Dean were finally outside walking through the park, not saying anything but just enjoying the weather. They were holding hands and swinging their arms as they walked, and it was one of those increasingly rare moments when Castiel felt perfectly content with who and where he was. With Dean as a warm presence at his side, it felt like he could do anything and be happy, and the way Dean’s freckles were really starting to pop made Castiel’s chest ache with love every time Dean grinned down at him, his face hallowed by the afternoon light. God, Castiel loved this man, every fiber of him, and Castiel halted so he could turn and kiss Dean right on his lips, startling him and making him smile against Castiel’s mouth.

They resumed their lazy stroll, Castiel leaning heavily against Dean now, making them stray all over the path. Dean was mockingly shoving him away when his smile froze and a series of emotions flitted across his face. In the next moment, he was being tackled by a young, dark-haired boy that Castiel recognized from the library. Sure enough, another familiar face trotted into view, her expression as equally mixed as Dean’s until she settled on fond amusement.

The boy squeezed Dean’s legs tightly and Dean laughed as he kneeled down to look at him properly, the edges of his eyes crinkling as the boy began to tell him something, gesturing grandly. The woman eyed Castiel, approaching him and speaking something that made Castiel grimace apologetically.

“I’m sorry. I’m Deaf and I can’t lip-read very well.”

The woman’s eyes lit up in understanding as she nodded. She spoke and Castiel read his name on her lips, causing him to frown.

How did this stranger know who he was?

A second later Dean swooped in, offering introductions, and of _course_ this was Lisa. The boy turned out to be her son, Ben.

Ben gawked at Castiel and Dean, interested in the signing as Dean interpreted, and Castiel was shocked when Dean _reminded_ Ben that Castiel was Deaf. How Dean been talking about Castiel to Ben? Did this have something to do with that family emergency Dean helped with?

Lisa was speaking now, and Dean interpreted for her.

 _“_ _It_ _’_ _s nice to finally meet you. I_ _’_ _ve heard a lot about you._ _”_ Her smile was warm, but Dean was cringing guiltily at Castiel, who could only stare at him. Now Lisa looked confused, and Castiel ignored Dean’s interpreting as he spoke with her, Castiel’s mind spinning.

What was going on?

Castiel startled when he felt a tug on his arm and he glanced down at Ben, who was gazing up at him while Dean and Lisa were still conversing.

“You. Can’t. Hear?” Ben said, or at least that’s what Castiel figured he said, as the boy was exaggerating his speech so much that even a lip-reader would have a tough time. Ben pointed at his ears and shook his head, and Castiel sighed.

“No, I can’t hear anything.”

“How. Come. You—”

“You can speak normally, Ben,” Castiel said, and Ben ducked his head, mumbling something to his feet that was probably an apology. When he glanced up, his expression was quizzical. He repeated his question, and it took a few moments for Castiel to follow what he was saying, but then Ben waved his hands in front of his mouth and Castiel nodded.

“Yes, I can speak. I became deaf when I was eight.”

Ben’s eyes widened, and Castiel realized Ben was probably nearing that age now.

“How?” Ben asked, no mistaking the fear and curiosity battling for position on his young face.

“I got sick,” Castiel said, and Ben nodded slowly, grimacing.

“That sucks,” he said, and Castiel agreed when he made out the words. After a moment, Ben added, “You can’t hear _anything_?” Castiel had to squint as he figured out what Ben was saying, and then he nodded somewhat dazedly.

“But Sam can hear,” Ben continued, having to point to Dean and then raise his hand up higher than his head before Castiel understood.

So, Ben knew Sam. How? Just how close were Ben and Lisa to Dean that they had met _Sam_ but not Castiel? And why had Dean barely spoken a word about Lisa to him, but apparently she knew all kinds of things about him?

“Sam uses devices called hearing aids,” Castiel explained, swallowing his emotions. “They help him hear some sounds, but not others. My ears are too damaged, so hearing aids don’t work for me.”

Ben nodded thoughtfully. Suddenly, he latched onto Castiel’s wrist and pulled, yanking him off the path and away from Dean and Lisa, who watched them go, Lisa with a nod of approval and Dean with a hesitant smile.

Ben dragged Castiel over to a tree, where he pointed out some two pairs of letters, initials carved into the bark – DW and BB. There was no heart around them, and they were small enough to not be noticed by casual passersby, but Ben excitedly indicated himself and the BB and then pointed over to Dean and the DW, grinning widely. Castiel tried to hide his shock because _what was going on_? Dean obviously cared about them, and they obviously spent time together, but that was news to him!

Ben held up a hand to make Castiel stay, and then he raced away, looking for something on the ground. When he found it, he jogged back over to Castiel, displaying a stick. Castiel didn’t know what to say before Ben was reaching into his pockets, rummaging around for an item revealed to be a pocket knife. Castiel was taken aback, but apparently it wasn’t a big deal as Ben grabbed the stick and sank to the ground, biting his lip as he carefully peeled off the park, and then, with the edge of the knife, started to whittle it down.

Castiel knelt beside him, overwhelmed. Did Dean teach Ben to do this? He glanced over to Dean and Lisa and saw the two smiling at each other. Something nasty flared in his gut, even as Castiel’s heart sank.

Ben tapped on Castiel’s arm to get his attention, proudly showing him the progress he had made in filing the edge to a point. He made Castiel touch it to see how sharp it was, and Castiel tried a smile that satisfied Ben enough to get back to work, striving to make the whole thing smooth.

Castiel gazed back at Dean and Lisa, watching as she touched his arm and made crinkles appear at the edges of his eyes. He was too far away to gage Dean’s full reaction, but their body language indicated closeness, a sense of intimacy and familiarity, and as she inched more into Dean’s space, a coil of jealousy unfurled in Castiel’s gut. He wanted to stand up and shout that Dean was his, grab Dean’s hand and drag him away from these strangers, prove that Castiel had a more valid claim than this woman Dean had barely mentioned.

But then Dean threw back his head, laughing with his whole body, and Castiel couldn’t remember if he had ever made Dean react like that, so freely, so wholly. The wave of possessiveness currently raging in his stomach simmered down at that, cooling, as Castiel stayed right where he belonged – with Ben, on the sidelines. He had to be grateful for the kid – he had put up with Castiel for a lot longer than most kids who dared to interact with him. Then again, Ben knew Sam, so interacting with Deaf people probably wasn’t entirely unfamiliar.

Castiel’s throat tightened as he finally stood up, jumping when Ben lightly poked him in the shin with the point of his new wooden spear. Ben held up a hand again and then darted off to grab another stick, returning to shove it into Castiel’s hands, along with the pocket knife. Castiel understood that Ben was going to teach him now, and he let his mind focus on this task instead of the painful thoughts demanding attention. After all, he had _a lot_ of questions. He couldn’t help but remember something Sam had said once, that Dean had only had one long-term relationship in his life, and since Castiel was his first man, obviously he had been with a woman before.

_Lisa?_

Glancing back at the pair of them, even Castiel could see their chemistry. Stomach acid churned up his throat, and he winced as his fingernails dug into his palms. He could sense himself panicking, and he ground his teeth. What was wrong with him? Dean wouldn’t leave him, not when things were going so well. Right?

And yet he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Over the next week, he couldn’t get Lisa out of his mind, and he kept picturing the way she and Dean had carried on like old friends, smiling and laughing. Only, they weren’t just friends; there was still a spark there, so they could be something more if they really wanted to. A part of Castiel knew he was just being paranoid, but he had seen how Dean looked at Ben and vice-versa, how they thought the world of each other when Ben finally dragged Castiel back to his mother and they all decided to go out for ice cream. Castiel was invited, of course, but he had felt like a ghost haunting a former lover. He could see how they had once operated as a domestic unit, and it made him sick.

Dean wasn’t oblivious to Castiel’s reaction. He had rounded on him in the Impala as soon as they sat inside, about to drive home. He haltingly filled in Castiel on his past relationship with Lisa, how they had met in high school and coincidentally reconnected when Dean moved here after Dean caught Ben for her when he was about to rush into the parking lot of a grocery store. He explained how Ben had become like a son, and how he had wanted to do right by him since Lisa was struggling to raise him on her own. Dean moved in with them and the year they spent together was happy, but it wasn’t perfect.

 _“_ _I didn_ _’_ _t love her,_ _”_ Dean had signed, and his imploring facial expression was very convincing. _“_ _Not like I love you,_ _”_ he added, and Castiel swallowed around the lump in his throat, refusing to meet Dean’s eyes.

 _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t do this,_ _”_ Dean signed. _“_ _Look at me. Tell me you believe me._ _”_

 _“_ _How come you never mentioned this before?_ _”_ Castiel signed, not trusting himself to speak, bitter that he had been right about one thing at least.

 _“_ _Because I hardly see them as is and it doesn_ _’_ _t matter._ _”_

Dean realized his mistake the instant Castiel’s eyes widened.

 _“_ _You still see them?_ _”_

Dean glanced away. _“_ _Just on the occasional weekend. You know._ _”_

Castiel swatted his shoulder to draw his attention back. _“_ _I know? You mean like when you tell me you_ _’_ _ve got work and not that you_ _’_ _re going to be spending time with your ex? Or, wait, this is your personal errand, isn_ _’_ _t it?_ _”_

Dean rolled his eyes. _“_ _Come on! It_ _’_ _s not like that! I just help babysit Ben sometimes._ _”_

 _“_ _So what was that family emergency before?_ _”_

Dean grimaced, attempting a shrug. _“_ _Ben broke his arm and Lisa had to work extra to cover the bills._ _”_

Castiel was silent for a long moment. _“_ _Why did you lie to me?_ _”_ he signed at last, and Dean swallowed.

 _“_ _I_ _…_ _didn_ _’_ _t think you needed to know. I didn_ _’_ _t think it was that important._ _”_ At Castiel’s expression, Dean’s shoulders slumped and he added, _“_ _Look, I screwed up. I_ _’_ _m sorry. Can you_ _…_ _forgive me?_ _”_

Castiel’s whole chest ached as if a giant were stepping on him, crushing his ribs.

 _“_ _Do you even still want to be with me?_ _”_ he signed.

 _“_ _Of course I do! I love you!_ _”_ Dean signed back, his face falling. _“_ _Unless_ _…_ _you don_ _’_ _t want to do this anymore_ _…_ _?_ _”_

 _“_ _Is it because of the surgery? How stressful it will be?_ _”_

Dean stared at him, aghast. _“_ _No! I want to be with you, Cas. I made a mistake, okay? I told you I_ _’_ _m not good at this. I_ _’_ _ve never had to balance an ex and a boyfriend at the same time. I_ _’_ _m still figuring this out. But we_ _’_ _re okay, aren_ _’_ _t we?_ _”_ He paused to glance at Castiel’s face before hurrying to sign, _“_ _I_ _’_ _m not worried about the surgery. Whatever happens, happens. I told you, it doesn_ _’_ _t matter whether you can hear or not. Really, I don_ _’_ _t care. I just_ _…_ _I want you. Come on, Cas, I_ _’_ _m sorry. Please._ _”_

Castiel nodded slowly. “Okay,” he had said, but the word had felt cold, leaving him deflated as it left him. Dean had eased back, blinking at Castiel and smiling awkwardly in relief, though his eyes were still creased with worry.

 _“_ _So, are we good?_ _”_

Castiel had nodded again, too tired to speak.

With that, Dean had turned the ignition, making his car rumble to life, and silently, they had driven home.

Now, as Castiel sat in his room, he realized he should’ve been better at sensing the truth.

Dean wasn’t happy being with Castiel. That was it, wasn’t it? Dean wouldn’t have kept such a big secret otherwise. Dean knew that he was Castiel’s first relationship, and hadn’t wanted to hurt him. It was a classic move, the whole prolonged _it_ _’_ _s not you, it_ _’_ _s me_. At some point, Dean would’ve spilled the truth, but since Castiel had stumbled upon it early, Dean had been forced to cover his ass. Castiel couldn’t trust anything he said anymore.  

The worst part, though, was that now, Castiel was left to desperately figure out where it had gone wrong. He obsessed over every decision, every moment of their relationship, rehashing events and words and trying to pinpoint exactly when Dean had realized he was in over his head and needed an outlet with Lisa and Ben. What had Castiel done to drive him away?

Unfortunately, he had far too much time to ponder that question. Running, washing dishes, shelving books at the library; no matter what he did, his mind always drifted back to when they had first met and how they had come to be where they were. Dean was such a wonderful person – how had he ended up with Castiel? That was a mystery from the very beginning, since Dean was far too good for him, and far more interesting than Castiel, not to mention a hearing person who could’ve been with anyone in the world. Why had he chosen to be with Castiel, a Deaf college graduate who was going nowhere with his life?

It was no wonder he had ended up unhappy.

Because Dean _was_ unhappy, right?

Right?


	23. Chapter 23

After a week of wallowing in his own self-pity and doubt, during which Castiel had refused to even see Dean, fobbing him off with weak excuses and lies, he got an anxious text from Sam that had him sitting up on his bed, staring down at his phone in alarm.

**we need u to come over NOW**

Castiel inhaled sharply as his paranoia overflowed, filling his head with the worst possibilities, and he scrambled for his shoes and his keys seconds after he sent his frantic reply.

 **What** **’** **s wrong? Is Dean okay?**                          

Castiel knew Dean didn’t feel the same way about him, but Castiel cared about him too much to ignore Sam’s text. Pathetically, he still needed Dean. Though, at least if things didn’t work out with them, Sam would still be his friend. He hoped.

**just come if u can**

**BUT IS HE OKAY?**

Castiel chewed on his lip as he waited for Sam’s response.

**yeah but he** **’** **s going crazy and ur better at calming him down we** **’** **ll explain when u get here can u come?**

Castiel answered with an affirmative and headed out the door, his mind racing as he drove to the Winchester’s home. His gut squeezed as he thought about how he had canceled the few times they could’ve been together this week. Dean’s disappointed replies hadn’t hinted at anything dire, but maybe something had suddenly happened…oh god, what if Dean got in an accident? What if Mary fell ill? What if…what if?

Castiel practically fell out of the car in his haste to get out as he threw open the door and bolted to the house. Inside, the Winchesters were in clear distress at the table, and Dean was pacing furiously, a quiet storm in his chest ready to explode. Mary and Sam were sitting at the table, attempting calm, though both of them had tight expressions.

 _“_ _Are you alright?_ _”_ Castiel signed as he approached the group, and his heart squeezed when Dean saw him and made a beeline, pulling Castiel into a fierce hug. Castiel could feel him shaking and Castiel just held him, burying his nose in Dean’s neck, waiting for this to all make sense and greedily hoarding any physical contact he could get, not knowing how long it would last.

When Dean finally pulled away, Castiel could barely speak at the haunted look in Dean’s eyes.

 _“_ _Dean, what_ _’_ _s going on?_ _”_ Castiel signed.

Dean swallowed heavily. _“_ _I missed this month_ _’_ _s mortgage payment. I told Mom I_ _’_ _d do it but then I forgot and we just got the notice and_ _…_ _now we have to make two payments for next month and I spent extra on food because I thought we had already paid for the house and now_ _…”_

 _“_ _Now what?_ _”_ Castiel signed, his heart breaking.

 _“_ _We_ _’_ _re in pre-foreclosure._ _”_

Castiel frowned. _“_ _What does that mean?_ _”_ He cast his gaze over to Mary, who sighed.

 _“_ _It just means that if we miss another payment, they can start official foreclosure proceedings._ _”_   

Castiel nodded, processing that. _“_ _Okay, so nothing_ _’_ _s official yet._ _”_

Dean glanced away, shaking his head. _“_ _But how are we going to make two payments in time?_ _”_

 _“_ _We_ _’_ _ll manage,_ _”_ Mary signed firmly, and Sam started to add something but was interrupted by Dean.

 _“_ _No, Sam, the money you make is for your hearing aids._ _”_

Sam scowled, rising to his feet in an imposing move. _“_ _How will those matter if we lose the house? Stop being such an idiot! Of course I_ _’_ _ll help out!_ _”_

 _“_ _You shouldn_ _’_ _t have to!_ _”_

 _“_ _And why should you? You_ _’_ _re not Dad, Dean!_ _”_

Sam’s words hung in the air. Mary looked stricken while Dean worked his jaw furiously, his hands clenched tight.

 _“_ _No, I_ _’_ _m not, but I need to take care of you_ _—”_

 _“_ _Why, Dean? You don_ _’_ _t have to take care of everyone, you know!_ _”_ Sam signed, taking in a deep breath. _“_ _I can take care of myself, and I can take care of this family, too. I_ _’_ _ll look for another job, just for the summer. And if things get bad, I can take a semester off._ _”_

At that, Mary surged forward, cutting in with, _“_ _No, your education is important. We_ _’_ _ll make it work, but I won_ _’_ _t see you both working to death because of my mistakes._ _”_

 _“_ _Your_ _mistakes?_ _”_ Dean signed, suddenly re-animated. Sam was looking at his mother with the same aghast expression, and Castiel was struck with how very similar the Winchesters were in their willingness to blame themselves for things that weren’t their fault. Both Sam and Dean signed as much, but Mary shook her head, her eyes watery.

 _“_ _I am just as much to blame for the divorce as your father,_ _”_ she insisted, holding up her hands to prevent Dean and Sam from speaking. _“_ _Believe what you want, but I_ _’_ _m happy that you came with me. I_ _’_ _m_ _…_ _so_ _happy you both sided with me and are working so hard to make this work. But if things happen, we can move. We can look for a smaller house, a more manageable one. It_ _’_ _ll be alright. We_ _’_ _ll_ _be alright._ _”_ She walked forward and wrapped both her boys in a hug, and Castiel shifted backward to give them a moment, feeling awkward to be witness to such a private scene, even as he was amused at how Sam and Dean towered over their mother.

But then Mary pulled back and gestured for Castiel to join them, and he did, reluctantly at first, but relenting when they crushed him tightly, unifying them all. Castiel felt like he belonged for a moment, that this family had _chosen_ him for no other reason than they liked him and believed in him. The fact was, though, that he wasn’t good enough for any of them, and he would never deserve to be part of their family. The thought left him feeling hollow, scraped out on the inside. He backed out of their embrace, ignoring the looks Sam and Dean shot him, and made some poor excuse so he could escape.

Outside, he gulped in lungfuls of air and tried hard not to cry.

* * *

The next few weeks were some of the worst of Castiel’s life, though he pretended they weren’t. After all, going Deaf soon after their mother’s death hadn’t been a walk in the park, so this should’ve been easy…or at least easi _er_. Instead, Castiel wasn’t sleeping. Every time he closed his eyes, he thought about Dean, and then he thought about his surgery, and what his mother would think. She had always insisted that he wasn’t broken, that there wasn’t anything wrong with him even though he was a strange child and had no friends. And that was _before_ he went deaf.

Sometimes, that thought made Castiel laugh in the night. It didn’t really matter what world he belonged to – the hearing world, the Deaf world; he would still be an outcast in both, so what did the surgery even matter in the end? Wouldn’t it all just be a waste of time?

Still, he somehow managed to scrounge up Amelia’s number, the Deaf woman from the clinic who had just gotten implants. He arranged to meet with her for lunch, and felt good about doing something for a minute before he was seized with a violent headache and forced to call out sick.

Castiel knew Anna was getting worried about him, especially when he accidentally missed his shift at the library once, having read his schedule wrong since he could barely keep his eyes open.

When she tried to talk to him about it one day, her brows creased in worry, he stood up and left without a word, driving all the way out to the cemetery to sit at his mother’s grave, staring at it for over an hour and getting his pants soaked from the grass. It smelled cleaner out there, more pure, and Castiel wondered what would happen if he never went back, if he sat in this cemetery until he, too, died. At least that way, he wouldn’t be bothering anyone anymore.

Castiel didn’t know how long he stayed out there. The sun was arcing across the sky, but it would remain light out for a long time since it was the height of summer. Castiel felt hot, sticky, with sweat dripping down his back and bugs swarming him, feasting. If he could hear them, they would’ve been buzzing like the phone in his pocket, no doubt full of missed calls and texts at this point.

Castiel let his mind drift, and it was in this state of dazedness that he was brought back to reality when something hit his back. He felt through the grass and found a soggy acorn, which wouldn’t have been out of place if he had been sitting under a tree. Except the sky was open above him, and he hadn’t seen a squirrel since he sat down. Turning around slowly, he locked eyes with none other than Gabriel, who was throwing and catching another acorn in his left hand.

Gabriel waved and smiled, but something was off. His eyes were dull, almost serious, and the instant his smile slipped away, it was replaced by a thin line.

“Gabriel,” Castiel said, because it didn’t seem possible his brother was there. After all, the last time they had seen each other was at his first appointment with Dr. Shepard several weeks ago. Since then, his brothers had retreated to hear news from afar, allowing them to still work at their respective jobs and not waste any more precious time off.

“What are you doing here?” Castiel asked, while Gabriel twirled the acorn in his fingers, not looking at him. Suddenly, Gabriel caught it and his eyes snapped to Castiel’s. He flung the acorn away so he could sign.

 _“_ _Want to disappear with me?_ _”_

Castiel cocked his head. Had he read that right? “What?”

 _“_ _What to disappear with me?_ _”_ Gabriel repeated, his signs urgent. Castiel gazed at his face, taken aback by how earnest he was.

“Disappear?” he said, the word strange in his mouth. He wasn’t sure he pronounced it correctly, but Gabriel nodded.

 _“_ _Like before,_ _”_ Gabriel insisted, and Castiel remembered losing contact with Gabriel soon after their mother died. His older brother had never been good at handling tough emotions, and had simply vanished one day. Since there was too much to take care of – jobs, Castiel’s sickness and resulting depression, the house –Michael and Lucifer had decided not to expend any effort to find him. They all knew he’d turn up eventually, or at least they hoped he would.

And he did, on a spectacular 4th of July with illegal fireworks bundled in his arms.

No one knew where he had gone and why he had come back, but now, as Castiel observed his brother and the slope of his shoulders as he sagged to the ground, he found he didn’t care. Instead, the thought of disappearing was…exactly what he wanted.

“Yes,” Castiel said, and Gabriel broke into a real smile.

 _“_ _I thought so,_ _”_ Gabriel signed. He gestured for Castiel to come with him, and together, they went to the parking lot. _“_ _Which car is better?_ _”_ Gabriel asked, and Castiel shook his head at his own.

 _“_ _Not mine. Why?_ _”_

 _“_ _We want it to be reliable._ _”_

 _“_ _Why? Where are we going?_ _”_

Gabriel gazed at him. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t know. Where do you want to go?_ _”_ And with that question, Castiel smiled for what felt like the first time in ages. Here was freedom, at long last.

 _“_ _Can we stop at the apartment so I can pack?_ _”_

Gabriel paused on the way to unlocking his car. _“_ _Not unless you want Anna to try to stop us. She called in sick so she could wait for you._ _”_

Gabriel waited expectantly as Castiel mulled it over, and finally, he nodded. Gabriel opened the car, unlocked the doors, and Castiel settled inside. It wasn’t like the Impala, full of leather and the scent of Dean. No, Gabriel’s car was tiny, economic, and full of candy wrappers. He busied himself cleaning it all up as Gabriel pulled out of the parking lot and started driving.

Where they going? Castiel had no idea. But for the first time in a while, he felt like he could breathe.

* * *

Castiel should’ve known they would catch up to them eventually. It was a rookie mistake, apparently, leaving his phone on and allowing his family to track his GPS, even though he was only using his phone for directions to motels or restaurants. Gabriel had chucked his own phone, having been an expert on running, but had forgotten to mention it to Castiel, so it was a surprise when police showed up at their motel door and demanded that they come with them.

It had been a week since they ran away, only a week, and yet Castiel felt…well, he still felt high, honestly, because Gabriel had finally convinced him to try pot, and now Castiel wanted nothing else. It had been so funny the first time, feeling the acrid smoke in his lungs and almost throwing up. But once it hit his head, he couldn’t stop laughing, feeling like the muscles in his face were made only for smiling, so smile he did.

Even when Gabriel dragged him to a bar, Castiel couldn’t stop. Everything was just so _funny_ , especially when a few scantily clad women tried to hit on him, and it took him _ages_ to even realize they were there, since he couldn’t hear them! Castiel could only laugh when he revealed that he was Deaf, and they made matching, uncomfortable expressions and high-tailed it out of there. Gabriel had clapped him over the shoulder and they had both wheezed till they were red in the face. They stumbled back to their motel – which Gabriel had paid for with a huge wad of cash, the origins of which Castiel didn’t want to know – and then they were breaking into the mini-bar. At some point, there was singing involved, though Castiel wasn’t the one doing it, and he couldn’t hear Gabriel – thank God – but apparently one of their motel neighbors wasn’t pleased and there was a short scare where they both thought this was going to be the end for them.

Luckily, the steroid-driven man had only banged open their door to yell at them before stomping out. He hadn’t had have any visible weapons, though Castiel had prepared to fight, and the adrenaline left him in a rush as soon as the man was gone. He and Gabriel turned to each other and giggled, deciding to calm down with some crappy TV movies. Castiel fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night to a heterosexual porn channel, though Gabriel was passed out and drooling on his bed. Castiel had felt adventurous, and definitely didn’t think of Dean when he pulled himself out and jerked off, cleaning himself with tissues before going back to sleep.

No, there were no thoughts of Dean at all. And definitely no thoughts about his surgery, or about how worried his family must be, or what they would’ve told his boss or his doctor… No, coming down from an orgasm – even though it wasn’t nearly as good as those he’d had with Dean – Castiel’s mind was blissfully blank.

They slept the whole of the next day and kept driving, stopping when something looked interesting and spending exorbitant amounts of cash on pointless things like bouncy balls (which they dropped off of giant ledges once, to see how high they’d go), a long chain of candy necklaces, and an elaborate five-course dinner at one of the best restaurants in Colorado. Because that was where they ended up, driving west, and Castiel couldn’t complain. Maybe they’d make it to California, and this time _he_ could drop in on _Balthazar_ unannounced.

But of course, that didn’t happen because they were caught, all due to Castiel’s naivety. He had never run away before, so how was he to know? Thankfully, Gabriel didn’t appear too upset as they sat in the police station lobby. Apparently, Anna was on her way to meet them, and Michael was no doubt on the phone, currently blowing up their police officer’s ear as he paced behind the front desk, a missing person report clutched in his free hand.

Castiel could only sit there numbly, waiting, distracted by Gabriel’s fingers as his brother drummed them impatiently on his thigh.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel said at last, and Gabriel grinned at him.

 _“_ _Why? That was the most fun I_ _’_ _ve had in a while._ _”_

Castiel smiled sadly. “Me, too. Thank you for this. But now we have to go back.”

Gabriel’s humor melted and he leveled his gaze with Castiel, his entire face serious.

 _“_ _We may have to go back, but that doesn_ _’_ _t mean we have to do things we don_ _’_ _t want to do. Get it?_ _”_

Castiel shook his head. “What are you saying?”

 _“_ _You don_ _’_ _t have to do the surgery if you don_ _’_ _t want to._ _”_

Castiel sucked in a breath. “What are you—?”

Gabriel cut him off with a swipe of his hand. _“_ _No, okay? If you don_ _’_ _t want to do the surgery, you can say no. It_ _’_ _s your decision. Not mine. Not Michael_ _’_ _s. Not Anna_ _’_ _s. Not Dean_ _’_ _s_. _It_ _’_ _s yours. You have to do what_ _’_ _s best for you._ _”_

Castiel blinked back tears. “You’ve gotten good at signing.”

Gabriel winked at him. _“_ _Of course. I_ _’_ _m a man of many talents. Want to see how big a bubble I can blow when I chew six pieces of gum at the same time?_ _”_

And that was that for inspiration, though the sentiment lasted long after Gabriel was peeling gum off his face. When he departed for the bathroom to clean up, Castiel was left with those thoughts, and he chewed them over carefully.

Gabriel was right, of course, but it wasn’t like Castiel was taking the easy way out…or was he? Everything involved with the surgery was complicated, but in a way, it was a lot easier to handle than the constant pressure from everyone else, especially Michael. And…well, _Dean_.

Oh, he really did _not_ want to think of Dean right now. Castiel knew he had left during a tumultuous time, with the Winchesters needing to get money for rent, or risk their house going into pre-foreclosure. Dean, being Dean, took that to mean he had failed his family, and probably could use some level of comfort. But what could Castiel possibly offer him?

Apparently, Castiel was about to find out, because a few hours into their wait, Anna burst through the police station entrance with Dean in tow, both of them looking harried until they saw Gabriel and Castiel. Castiel’s high was long gone, chased away by the weight of reality back on his shoulders. No, now he would have to face the consequences of his actions, one of them being Dean Winchester, right up in his face.

 _“_ _How could you just do that?_ _”_ Dean demanded, barely able to sign he was brimming with so much fury.

Castiel dully raised his eyes and shrugged.

 _“_ _What the hell does that mean?_ _”_ Dean continued, but when Castiel didn’t answer, Dean gripped him by the lapels of his shirt and lifted him up, shocking Castiel enough to widen his eyes and stumble. Castiel struggled out of his grasp and glared at Dean, his gaze softening when Dean’s face broke. His expression was so vulnerable, so raw and filled with pain, that Castiel ached, and it was like they were the only two in the room.

 _“_ _I thought you were gone,_ _”_ Dean signed. He absently ran a hand through his hair. _“_ _I was going nuts. I_ _’_ _m sorry. God, I_ _’_ _m such an idiot. I won_ _’_ _t ever talk to Lisa again. I swear. I promise_ _._ _”_

Castiel let out a breath and stepped closer to Dean, remembering what it felt like to be close to him, snuggled into his warmth, breathing him in.

 _“_ _It wasn_ _’_ _t you. It was_ _…_ _everything,_ _”_ Castiel signed, gesturing grandly. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t know what to do._ _”_ He felt pinpricks behind his eyes and then Dean was holding him tightly, squeezing hard, and when he pulled away, he was replaced by Anna, who punched him, tears shining in her eyes.

 _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t do that! I_ _’_ _m done losing people. Don_ _’_ _t you ever do that again, you hear me?_ _”_

Castiel buried his face in his sister’s neck, smelling her shampoo, and they breathed for just a moment before they stepped apart, all of them taking stock of each other. Gabriel was the only one who looked unaffected by their reunion, and had somehow found a Twizzler to twirl in his mouth.

When Dean turned to him, his posture aggressive, Gabriel held up his hands and the two exchanged words Castiel couldn’t figure out. It wasn’t difficult to tell what was going on, though, with the way Dean was flexing his arms and Gabriel was cowering slightly.

“Dean, don’t,” Castiel said. They were in a police station, after all. “I chose to go with him.”

Dean just shook his head, his shoulders drooping as he let out a long breath.

 _“_ _Can we just go home now?_ _”_ Anna signed as she spoke, and the party collectively nodded. _“_ _I_ _’_ _ll go with Gabriel,_ _”_ she added, pointedly eyeing Dean and Castiel.

Once they had checked out with the police officers, they separated in the parking lot, Castiel finding himself standing with Dean as they looked at his car.

 _“_ _You drove all this way in your baby?_ _”_ Castiel asked.

 _“_ _I would_ _’_ _ve driven anywhere,_ _”_ Dean answered, stubbornly staring at the ground.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel said, moving to put a comforting hand on his arm, though he knew he shouldn’t.

Dean tugged away at the last second, moving to the driver’s side, and Castiel followed his example to the passenger’s, swallowing the sting in his throat.

The drive back home was quiet. Dean barely took his eyes off the road, and Castiel couldn’t help but feel guilty that Dean had used his own money to get out here, and had taken time off work – losing more money – just to find Castiel. Not to mention the undoubtedly awkward ride up with Anna, considering their history. Once things settled down, Castiel would have to ask her just how she and Dean had ended up driving in the Impala together.

Castiel was exhausted by the time Dean parked outside his and Anna’s apartment. They desperately needed to talk, but neither moved to initiate anything as Castiel finally unclipped his seatbelt and got out. He barely waved before Dean was peeling away, and that sat hard in Castiel’s gut, churning unpleasantly, though it had no right to, considering what Castiel had done. As his body had not yet fully recovered from all his gallivanting, Castiel immediately went to shower and then curled up in bed.

Castiel slept for hours, uninterrupted, and the first thing he woke to was the smell of bacon. He wandered into the kitchen to find his sister at the stove, furiously beating some eggs. Her eyes were hard when she saw him, and she jabbed her finger at the table, broaching no arguments and staring fiercely until he obeyed. They ate breakfast together once the food was cooked, not saying a word, and it was only after their stomachs were full that they talked.

Anna had learned from Gabriel just what had happened – apparently not sparing any lurid details, which made Anna roll her eyes – but she was more concerned about Castiel’s frame of mind.

 _“_ _If you don_ _’_ _t want to do the surgery, all you have to do is say so. I_ _’_ _m here for you, whatever you choose._ _”_

Castiel sucked in a breath. “Thank you,” he said quietly, his throat tight. “But I don’t know. I don’t know!”

Anna just chewed on her lip before shaking her head. _“_ _Well, I_ _’_ _m not going to decide for you. It_ _’_ _s your life. Do what you want._ _”_

 _“_ _What if I don_ _’_ _t know what I want?_ _”_

Anna smiled sadly, and Castiel helped her clear the table, amused that he was mirroring words had said weeks ago.

Later that day, they were visited by Sam and Mary. Castiel was shocked that they had made the effort – especially Mary, who had only been to their apartment a few times. Apparently, they were out touring houses in between jobs and decided to stop by once they heard that Castiel was back, safe and sound. After a round of tight hugs, squeezing out apologies from Castiel for scaring them, he decided to change the subject.

 _“_ _Touring houses?_ _”_ he signed, and Mary explained that they were looking to move as they shifted to the kitchen table. Anna pulled out some mugs and sat with them.

 _“_ _We originally got our house because it was so much like our old one, but it_ _’_ _s just too much right now. We can get by in a smaller home. I know we can._ _”_ She squeezed Sam’s hand on the table, smiling as Anna appeared with some tea. _“_ _People are more important than things, and I would rather spend time with my sons than watch them work themselves to death just so we can have a leaky roof over our heads._ _”_

Castiel nodded thoughtfully.

 _“_ _Plus,_ _”_ Mary continued, _“_ _I_ _’_ _ll be living alone soon enough. It_ _’_ _s easier to maintain a smaller house when you_ _’_ _ve got fewer people._ _”_ Mary smiled, sharing a private look with Anna. _“_ _I_ _’_ _ve been doing a lot of thinking, as you see._ _”_

Castiel smiled back. _“_ _It all makes sense, and I hope it works out for you._ _”_

 _“_ _And I hope things work out for you, too,_ _”_ Mary said, a knowing look in her eye.

 _“_ _Yeah, maybe you can talk Dean around. He_ _’_ _s being an ass,_ _”_ Sam cut in and Mary swatted at him.

 _“_ _Don_ _’_ _t talk about your brother like that._ _”_

_“_ _Why not? He_ _’_ _s being stupid! We_ _’_ _re not going to be living with you forever, so we should get a smaller house. That_ _’_ _s just_ _…_ _how it is! That_ _’_ _s how life works. Why can_ _’_ _t Dean see that?_ _”_

 _“_ _Your brother is stubborn,_ _”_ Mary said. _“_ _It takes him time to build a home, and when he does, he doesn_ _’_ _t want to leave it._ _”_ Her gaze was wistful.

 _“_ _He_ _’_ _ll be fine. He_ _’_ _s a grown man. We dealt with moving once, and we can do it again. Besides, he lived with Lisa for like, half the time we_ _’_ _ve been here!_ _”_ Sam signed, and Castiel’s gaze snapped to him. Sam noticed and winced. _“_ _You know about Lisa, right? And Ben?_ _”_

Castiel swallowed, ignoring the familiar name signs Sam used, which Dean must’ve helped him come up with for them. Of course Sam knew Dean’s ex, and Mary, too. So why was it still upsetting to hear Lisa’s name?

Castiel blinked when he realized Sam was trying to get his attention.

 _“_ _You do know about her, don_ _’_ _t you?_ _”_

Castiel said nothing, ignoring the look Mary and Sam shared while Anna just looked on, confused.

 _“_ _Is she Dean_ _’_ _s ex or something?_ _”_ Anna asked, and Sam nodded.

 _“_ _Yeah. And they_ _’_ _re still close. I mean, he still babysits Ben. I thought_ _…_ _You didn_ _’_ _t know about her. Is that why you guys haven_ _’_ _t been hanging out lately?_ _”_

 _“_ _Sam, that_ _’_ _s none of our business,_ _”_ Mary signed, stilling her son’s hands with a stern look.

Sam just shook his head. _“_ _You should talk to him._ _”_

 _“_ _I will,_ _”_ Castiel promised. _“_ _I will._ _”_


	24. Chapter 24

Castiel was a coward, and now he was paying for it.

It took several days for him to catch up everyone, including his bosses, doctors, and even Amelia, on what had happened and why he had missed his various appointments with them. In the case of his job, Castiel had to beg for understanding, feeling much like Dean when he lost his job at The Roadhouse. The parallel was uncomfortably accurate, though Castiel found himself wanting to face his _boss_ rather than his brother. According to Anna, Michael had gone insane trying to track him and Gabriel down. Only, Castiel knew Michael didn’t care so much about Gabriel. Castiel was his current investment, and he needed to make sure that it was stable again so he could keep funding it, keep poking and prodding and making sure it did his bidding, like some trained pet at the circus.

Castiel didn’t want to talk to him, though Michael Skyped with Anna and demanded to see him several times. Castiel granted him that – he walked in front of the screen with a quick wave – but he couldn’t, and wouldn’t, stay to chat. Number one, he didn’t want to go through Anna for that kind of conversation. And number two…what exactly was he hoping to talk to his brother about? Why he ran away? Why he was slowly but surely changing his mind about the surgery? Why he fantasized ripping up the check and blowing it into his brother’s face, or better yet, cashing it and handing it over to the far more deserving Winchesters?

No, he wanted nothing to do with Michael, though he knew it was just a matter of time.

So, Castiel focused on his job and on re-gaining Anna’s trust. He tried hard not to think of Dean, but since he had gotten back and finally looked at his phone, he saw all the messages from him and knew that he was being unfair. Sam kept texting him to see Dean, because all Dean did was mope around, but Castiel didn’t know how to talk to him. What was he supposed to say? I’m sorry I’m such a mess? I’m sorry I’m so hopelessly insecure that it would make sense for you to not want to be with me? I’m sorry I hurt you, but you’re better off without me?

It all came to a head one day when Castiel was heading back from running. The days were hot, and he was sweating profusely under his jogging clothes, ready to take a shower and drift away under the cool spray. Thankfully, his mind was clearer than normal, steadfastly on the present, so he was shocked when he came into view of his apartment and found Dean in the parking lot below it, leaning against his car and smoking a cigarette. It was so like before, when Dean had gotten fired, that Castiel knew something was wrong and he should strive to comfort him, but as they had barely spoken in three weeks, that was hardly something he could do.

Dean looked up at Castiel’s hesitant approach, and despite what had happened between them, he let a small smile play at his lips. He dropped the cigarette and stubbed it out on the asphalt, jerking his head at his car.

“I’m sweaty,” Castiel said, and he thought it was the first time he had uttered that word. He had missed an appointment with Erica during his time with Gabriel, another side-effect he hadn’t considered because he was an idiot.

Dean looked him up and down, making Castiel shift uncomfortably, but then he just nodded to the car again.

_“_ _Come on. We should talk._ _”_

Castiel nodded slowly, running his hands over the sleek finish as he crossed over to the passenger side and opened the door. He copied Dean’s example and took a seat, his hands absently brushing over the dashboard and feeling the leather of the seats. It smelled like Dean, and Castiel was instantly overwhelmed with longing, an ache he had refused to acknowledge when he went to bed alone. How quickly he had gotten used to the warmth of another body curled against his. He had been so out of his mind with Gabriel that it hadn’t registered, and it was ten times worse sober and in his apartment where they had made so many memories.

Surprisingly, Dean didn’t speak and instead turned the car on and pulled away from their lot. Dean signed Anna’s name at a stoplight, and Castiel nodded, letting his sister know via text that he was with Dean.

_“_ _Bobby gave me the afternoon off,_ _”_ Dean explained at another stoplight, and Castiel recognized where they were going. They were heading to the Winchester’s home, and his heart ached when they pulled into the driveway and there was a “For Sale” sign in the yard.

There were no other cars visible, and Castiel realized they were alone as he reached for the door handle. Dean stopped him with a hand on his wrist.

_“_ _Stay,_ _”_ he signed, and Castiel waited patiently for him to continue.

Dean drew in a long breath, his eyes heavy with sadness. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m sorry._ _”_

“Please don’t apologize,” Castiel said, hating that he had made that look appear on Dean’s face. Without thinking, he reached forward to trail his fingers along Dean’s jaw and cup his face. “I’m the one who messed up,” he continued slowly, hoping he was enunciating clearly enough. “I was so scared of everything. I didn’t know what I wanted.”

Dean tried to yank away at that, but Castiel held him firmly.

“But one thing I did know was I wanted you to be happy. And if it wasn’t with me—”

“Cas,” Dean said, forgetting himself as shooed away Castiel’s hands. _“_ _What makes you think I didn_ _’_ _t want you? I know I lied. But I was scared, too. I was scared you wouldn_ _’_ _t want me if I mentioned Lisa and Ben. It happened before. There was a girl_ _…_ _Ellie. I thought we would be something, but she found out about Ben and_ _…”_ Dean broke off, inhaling a deep breath and meeting Castiel’s eyes. _“_ _Cas_ _…_ _I think Ben_ _’_ _s mine._ _”_

Castiel sat back with a gasp. “What?”                        

Dean glanced down shamefully. _“_ _I met Lisa in high school, right? Well, we fooled around after we graduated_ _…_ _and I found out she had Ben when she was eighteen. It matches up._ _”_ There were tears in Dean’s eyes, and Castiel was horrified when he started shaking. _“_ _I don_ _’_ _t know for sure, and Lisa tells me it wasn_ _’_ _t me, but that kid_ _…_ _he_ _’_ _s so like me. And I_ _’_ _m so like my dad._ _”_ Tears spilled over and landed on his fist, which Dean pounded on the steering wheel. 

“Oh, Dean,” Castiel said, unsure of what to do.

Dean retracted his fist, gathering himself. _“_ _You know about the affair, right? That my dad had?_ _”_ Castiel nodded as Dean wiped at his face, his eyes red and puffy, though snot still dripped from his nose. Wordlessly, Castiel passed him a wad of tissues from one of his pockets which Dean gratefully accepted, quickly blowing his nose. When he was done, he sighed, his shoulders slumping in exhaustion.

_“_ _You know how we found out about it?_ _”_

Castiel shook his head.

Dean’s eyes were dull. _“_ _A kid showed up at our door when Dad was at work one night. He couldn_ _’_ _t have been more than 10. Said his name was Adam, and he was looking for his dad. He had run away from home, had taken a frigging bus and then walked there all by himself. Thank god he wasn_ _’_ _t kidnapped or something. I guess some people helped him out, and some app on his phone showed him what to do and where to go. You can imagine my mom_ _’_ _s face._ _”_ Dean sighed, not looking at Castiel, his gaze distant.

_“_ _She thought the kid was nuts. Kept asking him why he thought our dad was his dad, and then he started talking. The more he said, the more we realized_ _…_ _maybe those car shows Dad went to every year weren_ _’_ _t actually car shows. Maybe they were birthday parties, since the kid wouldn_ _’_ _t shut up about his dad taking him to the baseball stadium and crap like that._ _”_

_“_ _Then Dad got home, and that really kicked it. The kid ran right up to him, no hesitation, and we could tell my dad knew him. He forgot to be surprised._ _”_ Dean’s face was blank now, still showing the residual effects of tears, but otherwise his emotions were smothered, silenced beneath a memory he had lived countless times.

_“_ _Dad called Adam_ _’_ _s mom, and by then, my mom knew. I knew. Sammy was in middle school but he knew. We couldn_ _’_ _t get mad in front of Adam, but boy, I wanted to punch something. When Adam_ _’_ _s mom showed up, she looked apologetic but my mom was so mad she didn_ _’_ _t say a word. I_ _’_ _ve never seen her be so mean to a stranger before, and I guess that really hit me hard, made me realize just what was going on._ _”_

_“_ _My parents fought for a long time. By the time I graduated, I couldn_ _’_ _t remember what it was like before, when they weren_ _’_ _t fighting. I thought a divorce would help, but that just made it worse, because my mom didn_ _’_ _t want me or Sam to spend time with him at all. She said Dad already had another family; clearly he didn_ _’_ _t need ours. But of course Dad fought it. Sammy and me, we didn_ _’_ _t know what to do._ _”_

Dean paused to take a deep breath, his gaze returning to the car.

_“_ _I got mad one day. Took a crowbar to Baby, here. It felt so good. I spent my summer after graduating fixing her up. Sometime in there I had a weekend with Lisa, and then Sammy chose to live with Mom, and I did, too. I never said goodbye. I just packed up and left, and here we are._ _”_

Dean’s smile was bitter, and his eyes were watery again. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m just like my dad. Abandoning my family. Hurting people because I wasn_ _’_ _t smart enough to plan ahead. Ben didn_ _’_ _t have a dad this whole time. I should_ _’_ _ve been there for him. And now I_ _’_ _ve fucked you over, too._ _”_

“Dean…it’s not your fault.”

Dean whipped around to glare at him. _“_ _It_ _’_ _s all my fault._ _”_

Castiel didn’t trust words to convey his feelings, so he signed fervently, _“_ _It_ _’_ _s not all on your shoulders. You and Lisa made a mistake. You couldn_ _’_ _t have known. You were going through so much at the time. Of course you were distracted and left without thinking about it. But she knew, and she could_ _’_ _ve called you, but she didn_ _’_ _t. You can_ _’_ _t blame yourself for that._ _”_

Dean lifted his eyes away from Castiel’s hands, meeting his eyes.

_“_ _And you don_ _’_ _t know for sure,_ _”_ Castiel added, his signs smaller, softer. _“_ _You love Ben, and you_ _’_ _re doing your best for him, but he_ _’_ _s not your responsibility. He_ _’_ _s Lisa_ _’_ _s. She_ _’_ _s made decisions for him his entire life. It_ _’_ _s not up to you. It_ _’_ _s up to her. And I know you want to do your best by him, but Dean_ _…_ _you can only do so much, but even that makes such a difference. You_ _’_ _re not like your father._ _”_

Dean scoffed, shaking his head. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m exactly_ _like my dad. I lied to you, I abandoned Lisa, left her alone to raise Ben. And I didn_ _’_ _t tell you a single thing._ _”_

Castiel watched Dean let out a burst of laughter, though tears brimmed in the corners of his eyes.

_“_ _See? I_ _’_ _m a horrible person,_ _”_ Dean continued, eyeing Castiel. _“_ _I should never have asked you out. I don_ _’_ _t know why I did. You deserve someone better._ _”_

Castiel’s whole body was in pain as he lifted his hands, his muscles tense when he signed. _“_ _I know I_ _’_ _m not hearing like Lisa, and I_ _’_ _m sorry I freaked out about her and Ben. But the thing is, you are a good person, Dean. How could a bad person do so much for his family? You care, and you try so hard and you never give up.  I_ _’_ _m_ _the one who doesn_ _’_ _t deserve you_ _._ _”_

At Dean’s incredulous expression, Castiel shook his head. _“_ _Just look at me. A college graduate with two stupid jobs that pay almost nothing. I_ _’_ _ve been at them for two years. Two years! And even in all that time I still don_ _’_ _t know what I_ _’_ _m doing with my life! Now I_ _’_ _ve let my brother control me and I_ _’_ _ve said yes to something I don_ _’_ _t know that I want! I_ _’_ _m lazy, I_ _’_ _m stubborn, I_ _’_ _m boring, I_ _’_ _m desperate, I_ _’_ _m pathetic_ _…_ _I_ _’_ _m scared._ _”_ Castiel inhaled a shaking breath. _“_ _I_ _’_ _m a mess. And you don_ _’_ _t need that in your life._ _”_

Castiel was almost too afraid to look at Dean, but when he snuck a peek, there was a disbelieving smile on his face, and then Dean threw his head back and laughed, not one that lit up his face and eyes, but one that made Castiel frown. Dean caught his eye and his lips bared into an even wider grin.

_“_ _So let me get this straight. You_ _’_ _re blaming you, and I_ _’_ _m blaming me, and we both think the other is spewing complete bullshit. Oh, and we think we don_ _’_ _t deserve each other. Sound about right?_ _”_

Castiel drew up at that, frowning, until he puffed out an amused breath, acknowledging Dean’s point with a nod. _“_ _Yes. That appears to be a good summation of this conversation._ _”_

_“_ _So I guess that means_ _…_ _we_ _’_ _re probably meant for each other, huh?_ _”_

Castiel’s heart pounded as he met Dean’s eyes and they spent a long, lingering moment just looking at each other.

_“_ _I love you,_ _”_ Dean signed at last.

_“_ _I love you, too,_ _”_ Castiel signed back with a sigh, and then Dean was reaching to caress Castiel’s face. Castiel leaned into it, closing his eyes as Dean pressed forward to gently kiss him all over, starting with his mouth and then trailing up his jaw, never taking away his warm hand ghosting along Castiel’s cheek. Castiel felt the puffs of his breath and shuddered.

Suddenly, he pushed Dean away.

Dean glanced at him, hurt, but Castiel just shook his head.

“Dean, will you fuck me?”

Dean’s eyes widened.

“Please?” Castiel continued, and Dean swallowed hard, licking his lips.

_“_ _You sure?_ _”_

_“_ _More sure than anything in my life,_ _”_ Castiel signed fervently.

Dean sucked in a breath, nodding. _“_ _Okay. No one_ _’_ _s home. We can shower first. And then_ _…”_

“Yes,” Castiel cut him off. “Okay.” Now Castiel leaned forward to kiss him, pulling back to bite at Dean’s lips and then nip at the bolt of his jaw, feeling the burn of stubble on his face. Dean sighed and then grabbed Castiel’s head so he could mash their lips together, sliding in with his tongue. Castiel had no choice but to retaliate, and then they were pushing at each other, neither of them offering an inch as their blood heated and their breaths stuttered.

When they at last parted for oxygen, Castiel saw that Dean’s pupils were dilated, and he could feel his hardness pressing against his thigh. They were both breathing hard, and wordlessly, they got out of the Impala and went into Dean’s house. The journey up to his room was quick, and then they were tearing off their clothes and joining each other in the fogged-up bathroom, squeezing into the stall and just enjoying the closeness as they scrubbed each other down, their erections soft.

Castiel sighed, finally feeling clean after his run, and he laughed when Dean squirted shampoo at him. Castiel chased him out of the bathroom to clean himself, and Dean pinched his ass on the way out, shooting him a smoldering look.

Castiel made quick work of his cleaning, making sure to be thorough. The thought of _Dean_ replacing Castiel’s fingers or toys was enough to get him half-hard, wondering how it would feel to have a thick, hard cock inside him. Before Dean, Castiel had thought some of his dildos were accurate enough, but now he knew that real cocks were different. They were hard, but soft, ridged but smooth, and so deliciously _warm_ …something a toy could never replicate.

Castiel had been waiting for this for a long time.

When he appeared in Dean’s bedroom, Dean was waiting for him much like Castiel had for their first time. Only this time, Dean was the one who looked nervous, fiddling anxiously with the towel under him. He glanced up at Castiel when he noticed him, and Castiel watched him swallow.

_“_ _How do you want to do this?_ _”_ he signed.

_“_ _On my stomach,_ _”_ Castiel responded, and Dean had to close his eyes and visibly inhale to control himself. When he regained composure he opened his eyes again, a question in his expression, and Castiel nodded, his hands fumbling in his excitement. _“_ _Yes. Doggy-style. Please. I_ _’_ _ve wanted_ _…_ _for so long_ _…_ _I just_ _…_ _Please._ _”_

 It was true. Castiel loved his toys, and loved the idea that he could pleasure himself in so many ways, but the fact was, there were limits to what he could do on his own. As he quickly discovered, it was hard to multi-task, and, even more frustrating, it was hard to try different positions when your reach was limited to your own arms. Castiel had never been able to fully enjoy the position on his stomach, and he had known that only with a partner would he get what he wanted.

And now he had Dean.

Without another word, Castiel settled on the bed and reached for Dean, pulling him into a long kiss. He flicked his tongue into Dean’s mouth, licking around his lips, and then Dean was man-handling him down, taking control as he ravaged him. Dean’s mouth was hot and insistent, and when Dean nibbled at Castiel’s lip, Castiel keened, arching slightly off the bed. Then Dean was kissing lower, pausing to nip at his neck, sucking and biting and Castiel shuddered, beyond happy that Dean knew how much he loved to be marked up, how much he loved to mix pain with pleasure.

They were like that for a while, Dean just ghosting over Castiel’s body, making Castiel’s stomach muscles jump. Castiel realized that this was Dean’s way of relaxing himself, so Castiel allowed it, though he was impatient to get started. It was when Dean was dipping lower and lower that things finally got heated. Opening his mouth, Dean dragged his tongue up Castiel’s hardening cock, nosing into the hair down there as he swirled over the length, coating it all with spit. When Castiel reached down to help, Dean swatted his hands away, and with one hand, he gripped Castiel at the base, and with the other, he stroked behind him, fondling his balls and the space in between. The pleasure was immediate and intense, and Castiel threw his head back, breathing hard, whining when Dean picked up the pace.

When Dean stopped rolling his balls, Castiel raised himself up questioningly, but then lay back down because Dean’s finger was prodding at his hole, rubbing around the nerves on the edge and making Castiel’s body zing with heat. There was another pause, which Castiel used to try to get his breath back, but then it was slammed out of him again when somewhat cold, now-lubed fingers pressed at his hole, poking inside. Dean’s other hand kept up a good rhythm on his cock as he slowly opened Castiel up, stretching the muscle until Castiel couldn’t help but spasm around Dean’s fingers, needing more, needing to be _filled_.

“Dean…I need…” Castiel panted, but Dean was just smirking cruelly, crooking his fingers inside and making Castiel see stars. “No, stop…wanna…wanna come with you inside…” Castiel managed, and that finally made Dean sit back. He was breathing hard, his whole face flushed. Castiel could feel Dean trembling…or was that just him? Either way, he was beyond ready.

Making motions with his hands, Castiel had Dean scoot to the side so he could crawl to the edge of the bed, draping his legs over the back and hoisting his ass in the air. It was not the most comfortable position, as it left a lot of weight on his elbows and upper arms and his back was bent, but Castiel nodded at Dean, who was frozen, staring with wide eyes.

“Come on,” Castiel said, jerking his head to get Dean moving. Finally Dean scrambled off the bed, the bottle of lube and a condom in his hand. Castiel jiggled his ass invitingly and was rewarded with a playful slap as Dean’s fingertips tickled his spine. That was the only way for Castiel to know where he was, besides just sensing him and feeling his heat, and at that thought, his heart immediately thumped harder, endorphins singing through his veins.

Dean kept a warm hand on Castiel’s back, circling his thumbs gently, just teasing, and then when they stopped, Castiel tensed, feeling Dean’s hand clench. At the same time, the blunt head of Dean’s cock pressed at his hole, and Castiel groaned, bowing his head and nodding furiously. Dean responded by pushing, and Castiel whimpered as the lubed head caught and then shoved past his rim, breaching him fully. Castiel kept nodding so Dean kept going, pushing and pushing and pushing until he bottomed out, his balls just brushing Castiel’s ass.

Castiel couldn’t breathe. The stretch he was used to, the initial resistance and then giving way familiar, but the warmth was new, and the thickness… _god_ he felt so full, so stuffed with Dean’s cock. Castiel had so many toys but none felt this big, this _huge_ inside him, and none had ever gone so deep before. Castiel wondered that his body could take so much and not be split apart, and he sucked in a ragged breath when warm fingertips trailed along his back again, as if seeking permission. Castiel shifted his feet, groaning when every movement made him hyper-aware of just what was inside him, impaling him, stretching him wide open. Dean’s fingers on his back tensed at that, and then Castiel clenched around him, and Dean’s nails dug into his skin.

Castiel could imagine how wrecked Dean looked, how he was shaking so hard from not moving that he was on the verge of collapse. Castiel decided to help him, and rocked forward on his elbows, letting Dean slip out of him just a little. He did it twice more before Dean’s hands came to Castiel’s waist and he gripped hard to brace himself, pulling out most of the way and then slamming back in, thrusting long and deep, his balls slapping against Castiel’s ass. Castiel moaned, finally noticing that his cock was hanging stiffly between them. He just had the thought of shifting so he could tug on it, relieve the pressure pooling in his gut, when Dean removed a hand from Castiel’s hips to do it for him.

One pull was all it took, and Castiel was coming all over the towel, sagging forward as his body spasmed, his balls drawing up tight and releasing, his muscles clenching down on Dean, who drove himself harder to meet it.

Sucking in huge breaths, Castiel felt himself shaking, and he nodded anxiously.

“Get on with it!” he breathed, opening his legs even more, and Dean obeyed. He snapped his hips ferociously hard and fast, pausing only once to get more lube when his skin started catching. Then it was smooth again, and Castiel leaned back into it, trying and failing to find a rhythm to match Dean’s. At long last, he just let Dean plow into him, crying out when he angled just right and the head of his cock rubbed over Castiel’s prostate. Castiel’s oversensitive nerves sang with pleasure, and finally Dean’s pace stuttered. With two last thrusts he stopped and came into his condom, draping himself so Castiel could just feel the hot weight of him pressed on his back. Dean shuddered through his orgasm, still pushing into Castiel with his softening cock, and when he finally pulled out, Castiel was empty. He reached back, amazed at how stretched his hole was, how wet with lube, and then he was shakily turning to sit on the bed.

His whole body was still quivering, his ass was sore and his muscles were aching from straining in one position for so long, but Castiel couldn’t have been happier. He gave Dean a dopey smile, and Dean returned it, brushing a hand down Castiel’s facing and then moving in for a long, sloppy kiss.

_“_ _You_ _’_ _re so good to me, Cas. So beautiful. So perfect,_ _”_ Dean signed, and Castiel leaned into his touch as Dean continued stroking his face.

After a moment, Dean parted to dispose of the condom, and Castiel used the towel he was sitting on to clean himself. Folding it up, Castiel pulled on his underwear, his ass still feeling odd, but he ignored it once he sank into Dean’s bed. Dean joined him after getting rid of the towel and pulling on some boxers. They lay together, and burrowing into Dean, his head on the crook of where his arm met his shoulder, Castiel closed his eyes. Dean’s arm curled around him, tucking him in. Only, it wasn’t for long, because Dean poked at him, regarding Castiel with a concerned expression.

Dean grimaced, signing, _“_ _You_ _’_ _re okay, right?_ _”_

Castiel huffed as he knocked his forehead against Dean’s chest. “Of course. I’m better than okay.” Then there were fingers carding through his hair, and Castiel hummed, feeling absolutely, perfectly content until Dean poked him again. Castiel made a disapproving noise and glared at him, but Dean’s expression was serious.

_“_ _Hey, Cas, I just wanted to say_ _…_ _you_ _’_ _re not pathetic. I_ _’_ _ve never thought you were. So you don_ _’_ _t have your life figured out. Who does? It_ _’_ _s okay, you know._ _”_

Castiel swallowed, trying to look away, but Dean waved at him again, holding his attention.

_“_ _And Cas_ _…_ _you_ _’_ _re awesome. You work hard. You care just as much as I do. I mean, look at how hard you wanted to make us work. You_ _’_ _re_ _…_ _loyal and I trust you. I_ _’_ _ve never_ _…_ _I_ _’_ _ve never trusted someone outside my family as much as I trust you. I feel like I can say anything and you won_ _’_ _t_ _…_ _you won_ _’_ _t hate me, or judge me._ _”_ He scoffed. _“_ _Hell, you still want to be with_ _me after all that shit I said._ _”_ Dean squeezed him. _“_ _I love you. Just for you._ _”_

Castiel struggled against a lump in his throat. “I love you, too, Dean,” he said at last, hoping the words sounded as full as he intended. His heart was near to bursting, and he needed Dean to know just how much he meant it.

And it was there, as he was lying against his boyfriend, his head rising and falling with Dean’s breaths, that Castiel realized that the decision had been staring him in the face the whole time.

Castiel wasn’t broken. He had people who loved him just for being him. Just like his mother had told him, so long ago – there was _nothing wrong_ with him. So he had been socially awkward as a child? Things were different now. He was grown up. He had family he cared about, a boyfriend he loved, friends he adored… He wasn’t alone.

And for the first time, Castiel understood that it was fear that was holding him back.

Fear of change, fear of losing those he loved, fear of not knowing who he was, of not being accepted, of being alone.

But they were pointless fears now.

When Castiel got home that night after spending the rest of the afternoon with Dean, the first thing he did was email Amelia, apologizing for having to cancel their lunch date again. It turned out he wouldn’t need to speak with her anyways, because the second thing he did was grab Michael’s check from the desk drawer and rip it in half once. Twice, then a third time just to be safe.

It was unfair that the money had to be wasted, but the Winchesters were a stubborn breed, and Michael wouldn’t have consented anyway.

And speaking of Michael…

Castiel emailed him his decision, with a P.S. asking when he was free so they could talk it over.

After that, he would need to cancel his doctor appointments and let everyone else know.

Then, of course, there was the matter of what to do with the rest of his life.

And Castiel? He had no idea.

But he was taking charge of _now_. Because if now was okay, the future couldn’t be that bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's all folks! Hope you enjoyed it! :D
> 
> Can you tell I was using this story to work through my own post-grad issues? Hehe I still don't know what I'm doing with my life...but I'll figure it out eventually! (Maybe...hopefully!)
> 
> I'd love reviews and to hear if you have any headcanons for the future of this story! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I very much appreciate it!
> 
> Until the Big Bang next year~!


	25. Timestamp: Christmas, 15 Years Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Christmas timestamp for Hear You Me, though it could be read as a standalone piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, everyone! Enjoy this fluffy timestamp that I couldn't help but write when the idea struck! This is how I imagine Castiel and Dean, 15 years after the end of Hear You Me.

It was their first Christmas together as a family.

Castiel looked on as their youngest son, Rowan, bounced with barely-concealed excitement while Dean dragged the boxes of ornaments into the living room, where the tree had already been set up. Helping Dean was Patrick, and though the seven-year-old still hunched into himself, a small smile graced his lips.

Patrick was the newest addition to their family. Castiel and Dean hadn’t planned on adopting an older child, thinking they wanted a baby so that Rowan, at four years old, could be the big brother. But life had a funny way of surprising them, and when they met Patrick at his then foster-mother’s home, Castiel had seen the way Dean fell in love with him.

For one thing, Patrick was hearing, like Dean. Unlike both Castiel and Rowan, who were Deaf, Patrick could bond with Dean in a way Dean had never experienced before, having grown up as a CODA, a child of Deaf adults. Not to mention his younger brother Sam, who was also Deaf.

Castiel had been the one to first bring it up, all those months ago, a few years after Rowan had charmed his way into their lives. The boy had grown up to be an adept signer, and had even invented his own special brand of it. Castiel and Dean were fluent in ASL, but they’d had to learn Rowan-speak, and though it’d been both joyful and frustrating, Castiel had loved getting to connect with his son, who was like him. It’d occurred to him soon after that if they opted for a second child, they should try for one who could connect with Dean in the same way, by being hearing. Then the baby could grow up bilingual, learning to speak from Dean, and to sign from both. It’d be perfect.

And then Patrick appeared. He was six-years-old when they met him, and he was quiet and withdrawn, but had wide, curious eyes that absorbed everything with thoughtful consideration. Castiel had been pleasantly surprised at the boy’s reaction to their presence, that first time he and Dean had sat down to talk to him. Patrick hadn’t been alarmed that they were two men married to each other. He’d simply blinked at them, unmoved.

And then Dean had started speaking while interpreting for Castiel with his hands. That had the boy staring in wonder and intrigue as Dean explained that Castiel was Deaf, and could speak, but preferred using sign language.

A flurry of questions erupted from Patrick’s mouth after that.

Had Castiel listened to something too loud, and that was why he couldn’t hear? Did he lose his voice, too? How did their hands know how to dance like that?

Dean and Castiel patiently answered every inquiry, with Dean interpreting for Castiel when he responded to questions directed to him. Patrick caught on quickly that he should face Castiel when speaking to him, though Dean conveyed his words since Castiel wasn’t that good at lip-reading.

Castiel had been impressed, but disheartened when the social worker returned and Patrick hunkered back down into himself, suddenly a shy, quiet boy rather than the animated one they’d been conversing with.

When they got home, and they’d tucked Rowan into bed, Dean and Castiel discussed Patrick in the kitchen.

 _“I’ve got a good feeling about him,”_ Dean signed.

 _“Me, too,”_ Castiel agreed. _“But he’s older than Rowan. And don’t you think he’d get too overwhelmed, being surrounded by Deaf culture before he can really understand it?”_

_“I’m sure Rowan will help us teach him.”_

Castiel snorted. _“I’m sure. But I don’t want to stress Patrick out. It’s a big commitment.”_

Dean shrugged. _“He’s a kid. He’ll pick it up fast.”_

_“I just worry he’ll come to rely too much on you. That he won’t try to communicate with Rowan and me.”_

_“Give the kid a little credit. Did you see the way his face lit up when I started signing? He was interested, and he’s smart. He’ll learn it in no time. Seriously. Sam picked up signing from me like, two seconds after he was born.”_

Castiel rolled his eyes. _“Right.”_

_“They’ll help each other out, just like me and Sam. They’ll be brothers.”_

_“_ If _we can adopt him.”_

_“And why wouldn’t we be able to? You think he wouldn’t want it?”_

_“I don’t know. Perhaps we should…ease him into it, more. We could take turns visiting him, and then let him decide.”_

_“Good idea.”_

And so, they commenced the month’s long process of introducing Patrick to their way of life. They’d visit him together, or separately, and the first time Dean met him alone, he came home with a huge smile on his face. At Castiel’s quirked brow, he explained that he’d shown Patrick his car, Baby, and that the boy had been utterly fascinated with it and asked him a million questions.

 _“He’s such a smart kid. Reminds me of you, actually,”_ Dean signed, and Castiel decided to swallow his nerves rather than tell Dean he was worried about meeting Patrick by himself. His husband was just so ecstatic, and Castiel didn’t want to ruin it.

But he shouldn’t have worried when it was his turn to visit Patrick alone. Though Patrick didn’t know ASL, Castiel had provided him a notebook where he could write what he wanted to say. Castiel, meanwhile, practiced using his voice, which, according to Dean, sounded completely natural.

Patrick was shocked that he could speak, and most of the questions he scribbled down pertained to how Castiel learned to talk so well. So, Castiel told the boy an abbreviated version of his life story. He lost his hearing at age eight due to sickness, and it was only after college, when he met Dean, that he’d decided to speak again, as he had become mute around the same time he became Deaf.

Their conversation was comfortable, though somewhat stilted due to the time it took for Patrick to write his responses or questions. But as Dean had said, Patrick was clearly eager to learn, and before they parted, the boy asked Castiel to teach him some signs. Castiel showed him how to spell his name, and as he headed out of the door, he threw a look over his shoulder to see Patrick biting his lip and repeating the fingerspelling to himself over and over.

Castiel wanted him, and so did Dean. The final piece fell into place when they brought Rowan to meet his potential big brother. The giggly four-year-old won Patrick over almost instantly, and Castiel had met Dean’s watery eyes with his own.

Patrick was their son. He just had to be.

So they sat down and asked Patrick if he wanted to become part of their family. Agonizing seconds had gone by where Patrick refused to look at them, and then he raised his head and nodded. Castiel couldn’t contain his smile and immediately embraced the boy, who’d been fighting a smile of his own.

Patrick turned seven before the adoption fully went through, but he was officially a Winchester-Novak by the time Thanksgiving rolled around. Meeting the whole extended family was overwhelming, and Patrick had barely spoken to anyone, though he’d watched the ASL exchanges with rapt attention. By the end of the day, though, he’d picked up a few more signs from Dean’s mother, Mary, and Castiel’s sister, Anna.

Now it was the Christmas season, and they had to decorate their home.

Rowan had already pried open the boxes and was digging through the ornaments, picking out his favorites: a popsicle-stick sled, a tiny stuffed teddy bear, and a candy cane with a bell on it. He grabbed them in his hands and approached the tree, where he stretched to hang them up as high as he could reach. Dean helped him secure them on the branches, and then shuffled over to the stereo system on the corner shelf of the living room. He turned it on and immediately began swaying his hips and singing along.

On the other side of the room, where Patrick was sitting on the ottoman, Castiel could see his lips moving. Rowan turned around and noticed both Dean and Patrick singing, so he demanded what song it was. Dean began to sign the song to him. 

Ah, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. [See an ASL video of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGV3rD-NX4I)].

That got Rowan excited. He hopped up and down and signed, enthusiastically, that he’d just learned that song in pre-school. They carried on for a few lines when Castiel finally made his way over to Patrick.

“Want to learn the song?” he asked.

Patrick looked up at him. He nodded, and then raised his fist to sign ‘yes.’

“Your thumb shouldn’t be tucked in like that,” Castiel said gently, and Patrick frowned. He loved to learn, but Castiel had witnessed how frustrated he got when he made mistakes. The boy was a perfectionist, something Castiel was very intimately familiar with. Still, he allowed Castiel to shape his hands in the proper position, and he smiled shyly in thanks.

They were both interrupted when Rowan appeared between them. He yanked at Patrick until he was standing, and then he started showing him the signs for Rudolph. Castiel interpreted with his voice, and he grinned when the boys made the sign for ‘deer,’ where their hands looked like antlers coming out on either side of their heads.

Suddenly Dean made a flurried movement at them and signed that the song had changed to one of his favorites: Jingle Bell Rock. [See an ASL video of Jingle Bell Rock [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFHsIVUD8pQ)].

He mimed an air guitar and started signing. He danced, too, and it was so good that Castiel just had to join him. They signed the song to their boys and then Dean raced to pull Patrick forward so they could shake their stuff. Patrick was reluctant at first, but Dean looked so silly he couldn’t help but move his body goofily, too. Castiel took Rowan’s hands and spun him around. His heart felt close to bursting with joy when a wide smile split the younger boy’s face, and Castiel caught Dean and Patrick’s laughing expressions out of his periphery.  

It was their first Christmas together as a family.

And so far, it was perfect.


End file.
